Are you a restaurant dick? Do you make other diners so miserable that they wish they were at the dentist instead? Take this test and find out.
1) Yell at the waitress? (1 point)
2) Have the waiter take your picture, but don’t tip extra? (1 point)
3) Use the restaurant’s free wi-fi long after you’ve finished your meal even though the place is jammed and don’t extra-tip the waitress? (2 points)
4) Sit at a table with a friend for several hours drinking cup after cup of coffee, only to leave a 50 cent tip? (2 points)
5) Not tip the waitperson anything? (2 points)
6) Leave a note explaining you, “I can no longer afford” to leave tips (although you can still eat out) because the state raised taxes to help the poor? (1 point)
7) Do the same as 6) but say, “I don’t tip illegal Muslim immigrants to a Catholic waiter from Arizona? (2 points)
8) Pinch the waitperson’s behind? (2 points)
9) Have the pianist/singer/other musicians perform a special request for you and don’t give them a tip? (2 points)
10) Ask the singer/pianist/other musicians to be quiet so that someone at your table can read a special poem or other piece of sappy literature for the benefit of someone else at your table? (1 point)
11) Talk on your cell phone at your table? (1 point)
12) And so loudly that nearby people’s heads explode? (1 point)
13) And at fancy restaurant where people are trying to celebrate an anniversary? (1 point)
14) Constantly send back food, but never compliment the chef? (1 point)
15) Order for your partner without even consulting? (1 point)
16) Wait in line at McDonald’s for ten minutes and look at the menu above for the first time when you get to the cashier? (1 point)
17) Take two spots when parking your car? (1 point)
18) Bring a screaming child to a fancy restaurant where people are trying to be romantic and propose and other adult things? (1 point)
19) Make no attempt to take your shrieking baby outside or quiet it in anyway? (1 point)
20) Do nothing when your older kids throw tantrums? (1 point)
21) Make no attempt to corral your free-range children? (1 point)
22) Bring all the neighbor’s kids, making prevention of school-recess behavior impossible? (1 point)
23) Man-spread on the waiting seats? (1 point)
24) Loudly blow you nose? (1 point)
25) Pick your nose? (1 point)
26) Clear your throat like you are hacking up a lung? (2 points)
27) Talk loudly about your stomach surgery? (2 points)
28) Brush your hair at the table? (2 points)
29) Wear so much perfume or cologne that it destroys the taste of the food for everyone around? (2 points)
30) Set phone and/or keys on the table, because you’re frickin’ BatmanTM, and Commissioner Gordon needs to know you’re at the ready? (1 point)
31) Insist on dividing the check evenly between everyone at the table, even if there are people who did not expect this and whose meals cost considerably less than the average? (2 points)
32) Show up smelling like an unhygienic Dragon ConTM attendee? (1 point)
33) Talk with food in your mouth and smack, slobber, and slurp? (1 point)
34) Use profanity in conversion? (1 point)
35) Shout your conversation? (1 point)
36) Ask for an unlisted appetizer or entree? (1 point)
37) Order a signature entree, but making so many changes that it’s now an entirely different dish. (no mushrooms, chicken instead of shrimp, hold some of the onions but not all, baked instead of broiled, add blue cheese sprinkles but not too much, “instead of angel hair pasta, can I get that other kind?”) (1 point)
38) After 36) or 37), complain loudly and demand to speak to the owner? (1 point)
39) After 36) or 37), stiff the server? (1 point)
What does your total score mean?
0 points: You are in no way a restaurant dick. Congratulations.
1-3 points: It’s still okay for you go into a restaurant unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable. You will be seated by the kitchen.
4-6 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be seated right by the men’s restroom.
7-9 points: You’re awful. You will be given a menu consisting only of kale/beet juice and lutefisk.
10-12 points: Your groin is starting to tingle! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. The greeter will taze you if you try.
13-15 points: You’re nearly erect! You will have your have your mouth wired shut .
16-18 points: You dick! Stiffed waitresses will circumcise you. They’ll finally get their tip.
21 points and up: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you even try.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.