Posts Tagged With: kale

Are You A Restaurant Dick?

Are you a restaurant dick? Do you make other diners so miserable that they wish they were at the dentist instead? Take this test and find out.

Do you:restaurantdck

1) Yell at the waitress? (1 point)

2) Have the waiter take your picture, but don’t tip extra? (1 point)

3) Use the restaurant’s free wi-fi long after you’ve finished your meal even though the place is jammed and don’t extra-tip the waitress? (2 points)

4) Sit at a table with a friend for several hours drinking cup after cup of coffee, only to leave a 50 cent tip? (2 points)

5) Not tip the waitperson anything? (2 points)

6) Leave a note explaining you, “I can no longer afford” to leave tips (although you can still eat out) because the state raised taxes to help the poor? (1 point)

7) Do the same as 6) but say, “I don’t tip illegal Muslim immigrants to a Catholic waiter from Arizona? (2 points)

8) Pinch the waitperson’s behind? (2 points)

9) Have the pianist/singer/other musicians perform a special request for you and don’t give them a tip? (2 points)

10) Ask the singer/pianist/other musicians to be quiet so that someone at your table can read a special poem or other piece of sappy literature for the benefit of someone else at your table? (1 point)

11) Talk on your cell phone at your table? (1 point)

12) And so loudly that nearby people’s heads explode? (1 point)

13) And at fancy restaurant where people are trying to celebrate an anniversary? (1 point)

14) Constantly send back food, but never compliment the chef? (1 point)

15) Order for your partner without even consulting? (1 point)

16) Wait in line at McDonald’s for ten minutes and look at the menu above for the first time when you get to the cashier? (1 point)

17) Take two spots when parking your car? (1 point)

18) Bring a screaming child to a fancy restaurant where people are trying to be romantic and propose and other adult things? (1 point)

19) Make no attempt to take your shrieking baby outside or quiet it in anyway? (1 point)

20) Do nothing when your older kids throw tantrums? (1 point)

21) Make no attempt to corral your free-range children? (1 point)

22) Bring all the neighbor’s kids, making prevention of school-recess behavior impossible? (1 point)

23) Man-spread on the waiting seats? (1 point)

24) Loudly blow you nose? (1 point)

25) Pick your nose? (1 point)

26) Clear your throat like you are hacking up a lung? (2 points)

27) Talk loudly about your stomach surgery? (2 points)

28) Brush your hair at the table? (2 points)

29) Wear so much perfume or cologne that it destroys the taste of the food for everyone around? (2 points)

30) Set phone and/or keys on the table, because you’re frickin’ BatmanTM, and Commissioner Gordon needs to know you’re at the ready? (1 point)

31) Insist on dividing the check evenly between everyone at the table, even if there are people who did not expect this and whose meals cost considerably less than the average? (2 points)

32) Show up smelling like an unhygienic Dragon ConTM attendee? (1 point)

33) Talk with food in your mouth and smack, slobber, and slurp? (1 point)

34) Use profanity in conversion? (1 point)

35) Shout your conversation? (1 point)

36) Ask for an unlisted appetizer or entree? (1 point)

37) Order a signature entree, but making so many changes that it’s now an entirely different dish. (no mushrooms, chicken instead of shrimp, hold some of the onions but not all, baked instead of broiled, add blue cheese sprinkles but not too much, “instead of angel hair pasta, can I get that other kind?”) (1 point)

38) After 36) or 37), complain loudly and demand to speak to the owner? (1 point)

39) After 36) or 37), stiff the server? (1 point)

***********************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a restaurant dick. Congratulations.

1-3 points: It’s still okay for you go into a restaurant unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable. You will be seated by the kitchen.

4-6 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be seated right by the men’s restroom.

7-9 points: You’re awful. You will be given a menu consisting only of kale/beet juice and lutefisk.

10-12 points: Your groin is starting to tingle! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. The greeter will taze you if you try.

13-15 points: You’re nearly erect! You will have your have your mouth wired shut .

16-18 points: You dick! Stiffed waitresses will circumcise you. They’ll finally get their tip.

21 points and up: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you even try.

 

Paul, concerned diner

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Jamaican Pepper Pot

Jamaican Entree

PEPPER POT

INGREDIENTS

1 chicken breast
2 garlic cloves
1 medium yellow onion
1 tablespoon olive oil (1/2 tablespoon more later)

1/2 tablespoon olive oil
1 large fresh red tomato
1 small sweet potato
2 ounces kale (about 2/3 of a bunch at my supermarket)

2 cups chicken broth
1 teaspoon scotch bonnet sauce
1/4 cup unsweetened coconut milk
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1 bay leave
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 tablespoon brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon celery seed
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon cilantro
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/2 tablespoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon thyme
1 8 ounce can kidney beans, drained

UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Chop chicken into 1/2-inch cubes. Mince garlic cloves and onions. Dice tomatoes. Peel and dice sweet potato. Remove leaves from kale’s stem and cut them into small pieces. (Sorry, your food processor does a poor job on kale leaves.)

Put 1 tablespoon olive oil in Dutch oven. Cook chicken cubes, garlic, and onion at medium-high heat for about 5 minutes or until chicken begins to brown and has changed color on the inside. Remove chicken/garlic/onion and set aside.

Put 1/2 tablespoon olive oil in Dutch oven. Add tomatoes, potato, and kale. Cook on medium-high for about 5 minutes. Add chicken broth, scotch bonnet sauce, coconut milk, allspice, bay leaves, black pepper, brown sugar, celery seed, chili powder, cilantro, coriander, ginger, sea salt, thyme, and kidney beans.

Add chicken/garlic/onion to Dutch oven. Bring to boil at high heat, stirring frequently. Lower temperature to low-warm and simmer for 30 minutes. Cover and stir occasionally. (You will need to, of course, remove the lid to stir the contents of the Dutch oven. If you don’t need to take off the lid to stir, please let me know. A Nobel Prize in Physics would look very nice on my mantlepiece.)

TIDBITS

1) Scotch bonnet peppers are about 40 times hotter than the esteemed jalapeño pepper.

2) That’s important information to know if you’ve been dared to eat the scotch bonnet pepper at a party. You’ve got to ask your taste buds, “Do you feel lucky today?”

3) And if you eat the fiery pepper without the aid of milk to coat the pain receptors in your mouth, the knowledge that these peppers possess a deeply inverted rounded apex won’t help you at all.

4) However, as you stagger around the party, sweat streaming down your burning face, other parts of your body are benefitting from the helpful fruit. You see, the mighty scotch bonnet pumps goodly amounts of vitamins B and C, iron, niacin, thiamine, magnesium, and riboflavin.

5) These vitamins help bobsledding athletes excel.

6) Jamaican athletes eat scotch bonnet peppers while British athletes never eat them. Jamaica has a better bobsledding team.

7) So eat your scotch bonnets if you wish to enter the Winter Olympics.

8) You might want to eat the fiery peppers as part of a meal such as this one.

9) If you do enter the Winter Olympics because you ate this recipe, please let me know. I’ll be sure to watch and cheer for you.

10) My wife recently won the challenge at Orochon Ramen Restaurant in Los Angeles by eating a huge bowl of their spiciest ramen in 30 minutes; a feat accomplished by only fifty-four others. I am proud to say her picture now hangs on the restaurant’s Wall of Bravery. You can find out more about this dish by watching an episode from the show, Man v. Food.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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