This is what I would have looked like if Pablo Picasso had painted me. If only the great artist had more time.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 cups heavy whipping cream
5 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
⅛ teaspoon salt
SPECIAL UTENSILS
food processor or blender
3 cup Mason jar
Makes 2½ cups. Takes 20 minutes to make and 4 hours to firm in freezer.
PREPARATION
Add chocolate chips to pan. Melt using low-medium heat. Stir constantly. Add melted chocolate chips and all other ingredients to 3 cup Mason jar. Make sure that the lid to Mason jar is screwed on tightly. Shake jar vigorously for 5 minutes or until mixture thickens to the consistency of batter. Put jar in freezer. Let sit for 4 hours or until firm.
TIDBITS
1) Family dinners can often be quite contentious.
2) Why?
3) There’s always someone who doesn’t like some dish that you made for the gathering on the clan.
4) And you spent up to two days making your feast.
5) And someone always brings up politics, which always gets people riled.
6) But this argument gets forgotten when someone offers to help and puts your grandmother’s cast-iron skillet in the washer. 30 minutes your angel of a daughter, Sally, looks up at you with soulful eyes. Tears drip down as she quavers, “Mommy, you were going to give that skillet one day.” Her distress punches you in the feels as you review the ingratitude and argument of the dining room. You wish, you really wish that just once serenity could prevail while eating with those oafs.
7) With this recipe your wish is granted. Everybody, absolutely everyone loves chocolate ice cream. Eating this dessert makes everyone so happy that they become strangely pleasant. Furthermore, this dish takes almost no effort to make and is so easy to clean. What more could you want?
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 4-ounce skin-on salmon fillets
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
1¼ teaspoons minced garlic
1¼ teaspoons lemon juice
1 lemon
¼ teaspoon parsley (⅛ teaspoon at a time)
SPECIAL UTENSILS
air fryer
parchment paper
Serves 2. Takes 40 minutes.
PREPARATION
Pat the salmon fillets dry with a paper towel. Rub salmon with pepper and salt. Add butter, garlic, and lemon juice to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Brush salmon fillets all over butter/lgarlic/emon juice. Cut lemon into 4 quarters.
Place parchment paper in bottom of air fryer. Preheat air fryer to 390 degrees. Cook for 10 minutes at 390 degrees or until salmon flakes easily with fork. Garnish with 2 lemon quarters and ⅛ teaspoon parsley. Repeat for 2nd salmon fillet.
TIDBITS
1) The ancient Sumerians, who lived in what would become modern Iraq, developed writing in 3500 B.C. They wrote on garlic-butter salmon fillets, using dried parsley instead of ink.
2) The above photo is a Sumerian haiku. It says:
You are so pretty
Leave that oaf of yurs and we’ll
Flee this here city*
* = Haikus were hard to write even back then, especially without spell and grammar checkers.
3) But Sumerian salmon haikus quickly died out. It was simply too expensive to get salmon from Alaska to Sumeria. All the salmon went bad on that ten-year voyage. The lovely object of a man’s affection never got close enough to the reeking salmon to read to love poem. Summeria’s birth rate briefly crashed to zero until a bright young woman thought of etching symbols in clay. Whew!
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2½ pounds tuna steaks
2 bay leaves
½ cup brown sugar
1 cup dry white wine
¼ cup lemon juice
1 tablespoon pepper
1 tablespoon soy sauce
vegetable oil
cherry or apple wood chips
*4 steaks of 10 ounces or 5 steaks of 8 ounces. Steaks should be about 1½” thick.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
smoker
meat thermometer
Serves 4. Takes 6 hours.
PREPARATION
Add bay leaves, brown sugar, dry white wine, lemon juice, pepper, and soy sauce to large
mixing bowl. Blend thoroughly with whisk. Add tuna. Make sure to add enough water to cover tuna steaks. Cover and put in refrigerator for 3 hours. 15 minutes before steaks have finished marinating, preheat smoker to 220 degrees.
Brush grills in smoker with vegetable oil. This prevents the fish from sticking. Remove tuna steaks from mixing bowl and pat dry with paper towels. Place tuna on wire rack. Put steaks and rack in refrigerator for 45 minutes.
When temperature of smoker reaches 220 degrees, place tuna steaks on grills. Smoke tuna until its internal temperature reaches your desired temperature. (Rare = 110 degrees, medium rare = 125 to 135, medium = 140 to 145, well done = 145 degrees, USDA minimum safe temperature = 145 degrees.) It should take 2 hours, depending on your smoker. The tuna steaks turn light brown and flake easily.
TIDBITS
1) This dish takes a long time punctuated by intermittent checking. May I suggest reading an engrossing novel, by a lake. Chill out, you magnificent chef.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
“Chatting With Chefs” is hoping to foster interaction between chefs and all who love food and food preparation. We would love to see you and anything of the following:
Recipes
Food pictures
Food reviews
Reviews of wines
Food and wine pairings
Restaurant reviews
Recommendations of restaurants and hotel with great food
Listings and description of food tours
Where to find ingredients that are hard to find in some regions or how to find them online
Information on legislation to help restaurants and workers in the food industry.
Information on restaurants that are hiring
Information on restaurants that are the best or worst to work for.
I’d like people to advertise* themselves, their restaurants, and their cookbooks.
* = For the time being, advertising will be on Fridays only. Advertising will also be limited to people and restaurants who contribute, at least a little, to discussions on this group’s site. We don’t want to get spammed. Also, advertisements of a non culinary nature are considered spam.
And, of course, we welcome discussion on anything that’s posted.
Again, please feel to visit and participate.
Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D., an administrator of Chatting With Chefs
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 cups fresh, crushed strawberries (about 1 pound whole)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
4¼ cups sugar
¾ cup water
6 tablespoons (1 1.75 oz box) fruit pectin powder
SPECIAL UTENSILS
potato masher or food processor
6 * 1-cup hot, sterilized* Mason jars (They really must be hot and newly sterilized.)
Makes 5-to-6 cups. Takes 1 hour plus maybe 3 hours to set.
PREPARATION
Remove green stems from strawberries. Cut each strawberry into 8 bits. Smash strawberry bits with potato masher until thoroughly crushed. (Or bits add to food processor. Pulse processor until thoroughly crushed, but not yet pureed.) Some strawberry bits should remain.
Add strawberries and lemon juice to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Add sugar. Mix with fork or whisk until sugar dissolves completely. (Sugar that doesn’t dissolve make the jam grainy.)
Add water and pectin to pan. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir constantly. Boil for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Pour boiling water over strawberry/sugar mix. Stir constantly for 3 minutes. The mixture should start to jell and thicken.
Pour strawberry mixture into Mason jars. Leave ½” gap at the top. Stir until strawberry bits, gel, and juice blend. Cover and let stand until set, but not longer than 24 hours. If desired, serve some immediately. Store the rest in the refrigerator for 3 weeks or in the freezer for up to 1 year.
TIDBITS
1) Mason jars are round.
2) Not everything is round. Sometimes pizzas are rectangular. Flower pots can be square. Refrigerators are never round. No, not ever.
3) However, Mason jars must be round. It would be impossible to screw on or off a square lid.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
6 ounces cooked bacon
¾ pound cooked chicken breast
2 tablespoons chives
2 stalks green onions
2 cups grated mozzarella
½ cup grated provolone
½ cup grated Parmesan cheese
½ cup creamy Caesar dressing
1 pound pizza dough
¼ cup creamy Caesar dressing (2 teaspoons at a time)
6 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese (1 tablespoon at a time)
SPECIAL UTENSILS
rolling pin
large baking sheet.
parchment paper
Takes 1 hour 15 minutes. Serves 6.
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Dice cooked bacon, cooked chicken breast, chives, and green onions. Divide pizza dough into 6 balls. Add bacon, chicken, chives, green onion, mozzarella, ½ cup Parmesan cheese, provolone, and ½ cup creamy Caesar dressing to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands or fork until well blended.
Roll each dough ball into a 9″ * 7″ rectangle. Add 1/6, about 1 cup, of the chicken/cheese mixture to the bottom middle of a dough rectangle. Smooth mixture over dough rectangle, leaving a ½” border. Fold in sides and roll up like a burrito. This is the bake log. Pinch ends of bake log closed. Gently press seam of bake log until closes. Repeat for each dough rectangle.
Place parchment paper on baking sheet. Place bake logs, seam side down on parchment paper. Brush each bake log with 2 teaspoons Caesar dressing. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon Parmesan cheese over each bake log. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes or until tops turn golden brown.
TIDBITS
1) Naval submarines are called that because they have the same profile as a submarine sandwich. American submarines, at the start of WWII, used torpedo sandwiches to sink Japanese ships. These torpedoes faired poorly as did similarly shaped sandwiches such as the one is this recipe. Eventually the Navy turned to metallic torpedoes armed with explosive warheads to turn the tide in the Pacific.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1½ tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon chili powder
¼ cup garlic salt
½ tablespoon paprika
9 pounds beef brisket
½ cup beef broth
1 12-ounce can beer
SPECIAL UTENSILS
wood chips (apple or oak)
smoker
electric thermometer
baking pan
tin foil
sonic obliterator
Serves 10. Takes at least 10 hours, perhaps up to many more. Smokers vary, the marbling of the fat in the brisket varies. Perhaps the Incan monkey god is angry with you. In this case, your brisket will take a long time. Perhaps eleventy hours is the most accurate. I strongly suggest putting that brisket in the smoker at the crack of dawn. If you’re up to it, start it at midnight and monitor periodically through the night. Will this make you lose sleep? Yes. Also, a small brisket will take less time.
PREPARATION
Get up at dawn, 6 a.m., or even earlier. Add wood chips to smoker. Preheat smoker to 235 degrees. Start cooking after getting up in the morning. Add brown sugar, chili powder, garlic salt, and paprika to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Rub mixture all over brisket.
When temperature of smoker reaches 235 degrees, place brisket on grill with the fatty side closest to the heating coil. Put thermometer in the thickest part of the meat. Smoke until brisket’s internal temperature reaches 165 degrees. This should take about 6 hours, varying greatly depending on your smoker and whether or not you have led a virtuous life. I hope you have. ☺
Pause and reflect, pause and reflect until the temperature of the brisket reaches 165 degrees. Using cooking gloves carefully remove the brisket and put it in the baking pan. (Close door quickly as possible to minimize loss of heat and smoke. Pour beef broth and beer evenly over brisket. Cover brisket with tin foil. Put covered brisket back in smoker. Put thermometer back in the thickest part of the brisket. Cook until internal temperature reaches 205 degrees.
Remove brisket and let sit for 40 minutes. Cut meat across the grain to ¼” thick slices. This is large and lengthy meal. Use sonic obliterator on any guest making even the slightest complaint.
TIDBITS
1) Our spaceships have visited every planet and all the big asteroids in the Solar System.
2) We’ve even sent our spacecraft past the Oort Cloud and into outer space.
3) It seems as if our spaceships have nothing left to explore.
4) This page has a lot of space left. Let’s explore the rest of this page.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
6 p.m.: We fly over the battlefields of Verdun, where 350,000 of our countrymen died fighting the brutal German invaders. What is this? Jean points out a crowd of German pig-dog tourists. Enraged, we throw bottles, cabbages, and the contents of our chamber pots at them. Ha! Ha! Suddenly, and without warning, our balloon descends. Horrors! I recognize Président Pommefrite and Chancellor Erwtenzup of Germany. They are very filthy and very angry. They shout and shake their fists at us. We also notice French soldiers firing at us. Jean opines that perhaps we should ascend quickly. Stirred to action, I increase the flame. Our balloon fills with hot air and we leave them far below. Jean and I are so upset by the whole incident that we delay dinner by a full hour.
14 November, 10 a.m.: We find ourselves over the town of Amiens. Jean informs me that Jules Verne used to be its mayor. He astounds me with the information that he had been reading Verne lately. So, that’s what he has been doing with his afternoons. I thought he was cheating on his mistress.
Noon: We reach the town of Calais on the English Channel. We commemorate our successful journey across France with a simple meal of French bread, onion soup, salade Niçoise, and shrimp scampi. We examine the looming channel, but are not frightened.
3 p.m.: A great jolt rouses Jean and me from our naps. What has annoyed us? Oh, our basket has smashed to bits the radar of a French destroyer. “Vive la France!” we amiably cheer. But incredibly, the sailors shout angrily back. Jean suggests that we quickly leave those clods. I once again increase the size of the flame and we climb back into the clouds.
The sailors fire their rifles and the ship’s big guns at us. Boom! But they cannot see us as we are hiding in the clouds and have broken their radar dish. We shout our apologies to our countrymen and fellow adventurers. We toss down cases of caviar and our best champagne to make up for our faux pas. However, this noble gesture does not appease them. Strange to say, they are becoming even angrier. The lack of manners in our navy appalls Jean and me.
6 p.m.: We are over Dover, England. Hurrah! The great race is coming to an end. We see a great crowd below us. It cheers us wildly, so ours must be the first balloon. The throng includes the Queen and most of the Royal family. We also notice an enormous number of police and soldiers. No doubt, they are there to protect us from our enthusiastic admirers.
Jean and I drink several toasts to England, to the Queen, and to a successful race. I stand up and stagger towards the lever to lower the flame. However, I trip on Jean and fall with all my weight on the lever. Instead of lowering the flame, I shut it off completely. We fall precipitously and hit the ground with a squish.
We dust ourselves off and march proudly towards the Queen. For some reason she appears to be upset. However, we attribute her emotion to the passion of the moment. We present her with the first Chardonnay bottle of the season.
But, the Queen, she is not thankful. No, she accuses us of murdering her Corgi. What dog, we ask? “The one under your balloon,” she cries.
Before we think to apologize, ill-mannered British policemen clasp handcuffs on us and lead us away. We hear behind us German and French voices arguing vociferously for the right to arrest us. Their argument appears to be escalating into a brawl. We shrug our shoulders.
* * *
“Bah! Monsieur le reporter, the food here in this jail is horrible! But yes, I have been without Dom Perignon for three days! Why are these stupid English treating me this way? Can it be that they do not care that I won the Chardonnay race?
“Monsieur, tell my friends to hurry and get me out of here. The Tour d’Artichoke starts next week! Sacre bleu!”
****
I hope you enjoyed this chapter from my book. Please let me know what you thought of it. Thank you.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
We’re French and You’re Not, my cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
CHAPTER 1–CHARDONNAY MAN
Mom and Dad never talked much about the visit of Robert and his friend Jean, but I still remember how my French heroes smashed into our propane tank, burned down our barn, and tried to drive away with Mom.
Their stay, while arguably bad for Mom, a nondescript, faded beauty of 5’ 5” who now looked like a Russet potato with red hair, and Dad, an incredibly typical Republican farmer, inspired me to court my Frenchwoman.
Her name was Yvette Airelle. She wore dresses instead of overalls, dyed her hair blue to match her eyes, and smelled wonderful on the days that she showered. Her Parisian parents had sent her to Wheaton High to learn English, but she just wouldn’t talk to us brutes from Wisconsin.
But she would, if I learned how to act French like Jean and Robert. But I could do that, for I had Robert’s slightly charred diary. It was a wonderful book.
At first, just picking it up would make me daydream about them. Later, its passages came more and more to resemble my life.
Yes, I remember picturing them at their favorite café sipping their champagne when . . .
* * *
“There he is, the Premier of Belgium! At this very café, at this very table! Monsieur Le Secraisin, I must act.”
“Monsieur le reporter, I too am outraged. He is sitting at our table. But how shall we get rid of him? Ah, he is eating pêche flambé.”
Fwoosh!
“You set the man on fire! The head of Belgium! They are taking him away.”
“Monsieur, have a seat. Our table just became available. Calm yourself. I, Robert Le Secraisin, am a much better interview.
“You, of course, wonder, ‘what makes me so wonderful?’ You notice my dashing good looks and effortless charm. But still you think, ‘But this is not enough. These qualities only make me one in a thousand. What makes me the center of everyone’s attention?’ Well, for the few who do not know me, I race balloons. Yes, I do this with such style for such a worthy cause. I race for wine!
“But yes, I am a splendid 38 year-old, and in just eleven days, I shall take to the skies for the honor of my venerable vineyard, ‘Le Cerveau Malsain,’ and my fellow ‘Lords of Fun.’
“My goal is to bring the first bottle of Chardonnay wine to the British market in the annual Chardonnay balloon race. I am most assuredly the best.
“Ho! ho! I will spend the prize money on the best wine, talk to my many admirers, and say pretty things to all the beautiful women who wish to be seen with me. Yes, my life is one that all people should have.
“Ah! Here is my good friend Jean Bouillonner. Jean, will you join us for some pêche flambé?”
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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