Posts Tagged With: De Lancey

Draniki (Potato Pancakes from Belarus)

Posted on June 3, 2015 by pauldelancey

Belarus Entree

DRANIKI
(potato pancakes)

INGREDIENTS

1 small onion
6 medium brown potatoes
1 egg
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
up to 6 tablespoon vegetable oil
6 tablespoons sour cream (optional)
6 teaspoons dill (optional)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Food processor

Makes 12 draniki. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince onion. Peel potatoes. Use the side of a grater with the tiny raised holes to grate potatoes as fine and liquidy as possible. Oh gosh, don’t do it this all; it’s hell. Preserve your sanity, use food processor to mince potatoes to teeny, tiny bits.

Add potato, onion, egg, pepper, and salt to large mixing bowl. Blend well with whisk. Add 1 tablespoon oil to pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Oil is ready when a tiny potato bit will dance around in the oil. Add 1/12th, about ¼ cup, of potato/onion mixture to pan. Sauté with medium-high heat for 1½ minutes or until bottom of pancake is golden brown. (Lift pancake with spatula to see. X-ray vision works tool.) Flip pancake and sauté for another 1½ minutes or until the new bottom side is golden brown as well.

Repeat for each draniki, potato pancake. Add vegetable oil as needed. If desired, top each draniki with ½ tablespoon sour cream and/or ½ teaspoon dill.

TIDBITS

1) There are probably millions upon millions of people who would go to church more often if its ceremonies were, well, more exciting. If you belong to this group, why not head to Belarus for its Ivan Kupala festival? If your heart races at the sight of fireworks and the opportunity to leap over roaring fires, then this is the ceremony for you. It used to be a pagan festival, but it was taken over by church leaders and converted to a celebration of John the Baptist. It’s on July 6. See you there.

2) By the way, if you’re in line for confession, don’t bother offering to switch sins with the people around you. They will invariably look at you askance and edge away.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: Belarus, Chef Paul, confession, cookbook, De Lancey, dill, draniki, entree, festival, Ivan Kupala, pancakes, potato, potato pancakes, recipes, Saint John, sour cream, X-ray vision | Leave a comment

Pom Casserole

Posted on June 1, 2015 by pauldelancey

Suriname Entree

POM CASSEROLE

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds chicken breasts
2 pounds taro or pomtayer*
2 celery stalks
1 large onion
4 tomatoes
1 tablespoon brown sugar
½ cup orange juice
1¾ tablespoons parsley
2 tablespoons olive oil (2 more tablespoons later)
1 teaspoon allspice
2 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2 cups chicken broth
no-stick spray

* = Pomtayer is so, so hard to find in many parts of American. Give yourself the Culinary Explorer’s Badge if you find pomtayer. So far, the awarding of this badge is on the honor system.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

9″ x 13″ casserole dish

Makes 12 bowls. Takes 1.5-to-2 hours to prepare.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Cut chicken into ½” cubes. Peel taro. Grate or shred taro. Dice celery, onion, and tomatoes.

Add taro, brown sugar, orange juice, and parsley to large mixing bowl. Mix by hand until taro is well coated. Add 2 tablespoons olive oil, allspice, celery, onion, and tomatoes cubes to first pan. Sauté on medium high-heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Reserve 3 tablespoons juice from first pan.

Add 2 tablespoons olive oil, chicken cubes, pepper, and salt to second pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until chicken cubes turn golden brown. Stir occasionally. Add chicken broth and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 15 minutes. Stir occasionally.

Remove chicken from second pan and pour remaining broth into mixing bowl with taro mix. Blend with fork. Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Put half of taro/chicken broth from mixing bowl to casserole dish and spread evenly. Spread celery/onion/tomato mix from first pan on top. Spread chicken cubes evenly on top. Cover with remaining half of taro/chicken broth. Spread evenly. Drizzle top layer with reserved 3 tablespoons of juice from first pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour-15 minutes or until top is golden brown and set.

TIDBITS

1) Because of the font I’m using, Pom, the name of this entree, looks a lot like Porn. Probably more people have indulged in Porn than Pom.

2) Britain found that 50% of women love chocolate more than sex. Clearly, my there is a need for my advice on culinary romance. In the interest of full disclosure, I have a Ph.D. in economics and you know how many of us there are in the world. Here they are, my greatest culinary sex tips. Some of them might even be true.

3) Chocolates make women feel slightly more romantic. So you see, chocolate is a really good gift.

4) Pecans help a man’s sex life. Pecans have a lot of zinc. Zinc helps men produce more testosterone.

5) Just clink glasses together when toasting in France. Clink one glass at a time. Don’t cross any person’s arm while clinking. Follow all these rules or be cursed with seven years of bad sex.

6) The Romans used anchovy entrails to make an aphrodisiac. The process itself of gutting the anchovy, however, is far from being a turn-on.

7) Ancient Romans, and there were a lot of them, held celery to be a powerful aphrodisiac. Modern scientists say celery contains androsterone. This pheromone, released by men’s sweat glands, attracts females.

8) The Karma Sutra says ginger is a potent aphrodisiac The FDA says ginger is generally recognized as safe. There you go.

9) Cabbage is hot, hot, hot. Recent English research has cabbage being the best natural aphrodisiac. Many other dishes are also aphrodisiacs. These include: grilled oyster, grilled asparagus, grilled bananas, honey-grilled shrimp, grilled Parmesan potatoes, and grilled carrots One can only imagine if you serve your sweetheart all of the above at once.

10) Chicago’s Smell and Taste Research Foundation holds that lavender and pumpkin pie produce the most sexually exciting smells for men. Having a man over for lavender chicken and a pumpkin pie for dessert really loads the odds in your favor. Unless, of course, your man has a migraine. But it’s okay even then, for the German nun Hildegard of Bingen (1098-1179) believed drinks mixed with lavender cured migraines. You’re still in action.

11) Korean red ginseng is supposed to increase arousal in menopausal women. A daily dosage of three grams a day is the correct amount. It’s not clear if red ginseng from another country is okay. Or what about Korean orange ginseng? Is it the real sexual McCoy? Does it only give those women a slightly amorous feeling, like one chocolate doughnut? Do you need to get a kitchen scale in order the get exactly the prescribed three ounce of Korean red ginseng? Clearly, future research is needed.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: amorous, aphrodisiac, attracts females, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, entree, German, Karma Sutra, Korean, migraine, pheromone, pom, potent, recipes, Romans, sexual, Suriname, turn-on | Leave a comment

Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?

Posted on May 31, 2015 by pauldelancey

My novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, is coming out soon on Humoroutcasts Press and Shorehouse Books!

Yippee!

Paul R. De Lancey

Categories: book reviews and excerpts, humor | Tags: books, De Lancey, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, press | Leave a comment

Kjottkaker, Norwegian Meatballs

Posted on May 25, 2015 by pauldelancey

Norwegian Entree

KJOTTKAKER

INGREDIENTS

1 small onion
4 slices bread
¾ cup milk
1 pound ground beef
¼ lard or lard or suet
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cup beef stock
2 tablespoons whole wheat flour

SPECIAL UTENSIL

non-stick skillet
shotgun (To scare away Norwegian witches and evil spirits.)

PREPARATION

Mince onion. Add bread and milk to mixing bowl. Let sit for 15 minutes or until all the milk is absorbed. Add onion, ground beef, lard, ginger, nutmeg, pepper, and salt. Mix with hands. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Make 1″ meatballs with hands. Add vegetable oil and meatballs to non-stick skillet. Fry meatballs using medium heat for 5 minutes or until meatballs brown. Gently turn over meatballs at least once to ensure even browning. Remove meatballs and drain on paper towels. Keep beef drippings in skillet.

Add beef stock and flour to skillet. Cook using medium heat for 4 minutes or until sauce starts to boil and thicken. Stir constantly. Add meatballs. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes. Stir occasionally. This dish goes well with mashed potatoes or lingonberries.

TIDBITS

1) On Christmas Eve, Norwegian witches and evil spirits like to fly around on broomsticks and cause mischief. Don’t enable this sort of behavior; hide your broomsticks. Make the witches and evil spirits walk. Maybe if they did some sort of aerobic exercise, they would feel better about themselves. For we all know, when night baddies have better self esteem, they might perform fewer pranks. Some of these happy witches and spirits could even become politicians, the first step on the path to respectability. However, should a nasty night thingy find your broomstick, scare it away with a shotgun. Shotguns, they’re not just for weddings anymore.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: aerobic exercise, broomsticks, Chef Paul, Christmas Eve, cookbook, De Lancey, entree, evil spirits, kjottkaker, Norwegian, politicians, recipes, self esteem, shotgun, witches | Leave a comment

Vidalia Onion Rings

Posted on May 22, 2015 by pauldelancey

American appetizer

VIDALIA ONION RINGS

INGREDIENTS

3 medium Vidalia onions or other onions
1¼ cups flour
¾ teaspoon baking powder
¾ teaspoon salt
1 egg
¼ cup beer (8 ounces left in that bottle for drinking, eh?)
½ cup milk
3 cups peanut oil

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric skillet

Makes 40 onion rings. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel onions. Slice onions into rings ⅓” thick. Punch out onion rings from slices. Add flour, baking powder, and salt to first mixing bowl.. Mix with whisk until well blended. Separate egg yolk from egg white. Add egg yolk, beer, and milk to second mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add egg yolk/beer/milk mixture to bowl with flour mixture. Blend with whisk until smooth. Add egg white to third mixing bowl. Whip with whisk until peaks form. Fold egg white into bowl with flour/beer/milk mixture. Mix with whisk until well blended.

Add enough peanut oil to completely cover onion rings. Heat oil to 375 degrees. Dip onion rings into batter. Turn onion rings until they are completely covered in batter. Make enough battered rings to cover skillet. Sauté at 375 degrees until onion rings turn golden brown, about 4 minutes on each side. Place paper towel on plate. Place onion rings on towel. Put towel on top on onion rings. Gently push down on towel to remove oil.

TIDBITS

1) Onion-festival groupies will want to know that the Vidalia Onion Festival is held in late April in Vidalia, Georgia and features: onion tasting, cooking demos, concerts, chef competitions, and an onion run. Onions are historically rather sedentary, so this last event is only for the patient.

2) Walla Walla, Washington’s onion festival is held during the first week in June. Go there and watch an onion grow. Again, this is an activity only for the persevering and independently wealthy.. They also have onion bowling. If your onion gives you a 7-10 split, why just eat it. Woot!

3) Go to Weslaco, Texas in late March for its onion festival. It’s the only one with dancing horses.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: American, appetizer, Chef Paul, cookbook, dancing horses, De Lancey, festival, Georgia, onion, onion rings, recipes, Texas, Vidalia, Walla Walla, Washington, Weslaco | Leave a comment

Hasselback Potatoes

Posted on May 21, 2015 by pauldelancey

Swedish Entree

HASSELBACK POTATOES

INGREDIENTS

10 tablespoons butter (5 tablespoons for casserole dish. 5 tablespoons to spoon over potatoes.)
10 small potatoes
1 teaspoon dill
1 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons grated Våsterbotten or Parmesan cheese
6 tablespoons breadcrumbs

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

9″ by 13″ casserole dish
baster

Makes, well, 10 potatoes. Takes about 1½ hours to make.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Melt all butter using medium heat. Peel potatoes Cut off a thin slice off the bottom of the potatoes so that they will lie flat in the casserole dish. Slice potatoes every 1/6″ along its width. Make the cut go ⅔ of the way through the potato. (One way to do this is to put the potato on a large spoon. The sides of the spoon will prevent cutting the potato apart.)

Pour 5 tablespoons butter into casserole dish. Add potatoes to casserole dish. Add 5 tablespoons butter, dill, and salt to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Drizzle potatoes with butter/dill mix. Bake potatoes at 425 degrees for about 30 minutes Baste two times with butter from casserole dish. Remove casserole dish from oven and sprinkle potatoes with grated cheese and bread crumbs. Bake for another 20-to-30 minutes or until golden brown. (The potatoes, not you, for goodness sake.)

TIDBITS

1) The Hasselback potato can be served with almost anything. Oh, don’t tempt me with what.

2) This entree was first made for the “Hasselbacken” restaurant in Sweden in 1940 after the start of World War II. This dish was responsible for keeping Sweden at peace when nearly every other nation got sucked into the conflict. The Germans were told that if they invaded Sweden, the Swedish chefs would stop making Hasselback potatoes. The German commanders knew their soldiers, weary from invading one country after another would stop fighting unless they were fed delicious Hasselback taters. So, Germany never invaded Sweden. To this day, Sweden has a small army. It doesn’t need a lot soldiers. It has a legion of Hasselback-potato chefs.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: cheese, Chef Paul, chefs, cookbook, De Lancey, entree, Germany, Hasselback, Parmesan, potatoes, recipes, Stockholm, Sweden, Swedish, Våsterbotten, World War II | Leave a comment

Kourma Shurpa (beef vegetable soup)

Posted on May 20, 2015 by pauldelancey

Uzbek Soup

KOURMA SHURPA
(beef vegetable soup)

INGREDIENTS

1¼ pounds tri-tip or chuck
3 russet potatoes
2 medium carrots
1 green bell pepper
2 garlic cloves
2 medium onions
2 tomatoes
¼ cup vegetable oil
½ tablespoon cilantro
½ teaspoon coriander
¾ teaspoon cumin
2 teaspoons dill
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon pink Himalayan salt or salt
1½ quarts water
2 teaspoons parsley

Makes 10 bowls. Takes about 1½ hours.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut tri-tip into ½” cubes. Peel potatoes. Cut potatoes into fourths. Cut carrots into round ½” slices. Remove seeds from bell pepper. Dice bell pepper, garlic, onions, and tomatoes.

Add tri-tip cubes and oil to Dutch oven. Stir occasionally. Sauté for 4 minutes on medium-high heat or until cubes brown. Add garlic and onion. Sauté for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add bell pepper, carrot, tomato, cilantro, coriander, cumin, dill, parsley, pepper, and salt.

Add water. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to warm and simmer for 30 minutes or until carrot becomes tender. Stir occasionally. Add potatoes. Simmer for 30 minutes or until potato fourths are tender. Stir occasionally. Garnish with parsley and serve to guests who will be agog with your knowledge of Uzbekistan.

TIDBITS

1) Uzbek is an anagram for bezku.

2) Kudzu is an extremely fast growing vine that’s spreading all over parts of the southern United States.

3) Bezku is a fast growing beet that’s growing all over Uzbekistan.

4) For the longest time, the Turkmen government was aghast about the proliferating bezku.

5) Then came last month’s announcement that Beetball would be added as a sport for the Summer Olympics. Now athletes all over the world are clamoring for beets.

6) Beetball is played very much like volleyball but with a beet instead of a volleyball. So, tough agile hands are a must for the successful participant.

7) Oh, also good eyesight, excellent eyesight, superb eyesight. You really don’t want to get hit in the nose by a beet hurtling toward you at 80 miles per hour, because you didn’t spot it in time.

8) The best beetball players hail from Mongolia. Genghis Khan trained his warriors to dodge arrows by hurling beets at them. Sure, he could have trained his fighters by loosing arrows at them, but men with arrows in their heads or heads invariably prove to be slow learners.

9) That reminds me, the phrase, “That beats all,” really came from “That beets all,” and is a deadly serious statement. Nothing beats beets for tough army training.

10) Genghis Khan and the succeeding khans of Mongolia nearly conquered Europe in 1241. No European army could withstand the Mongols. The Mongol horsemen, toughened by months of beet throwing, easily dodged the arrows of Russian, Hungarian, and Polish archers.

11) It looked really grim for the nascent French pastry industry.

12) Then suddenly in 1242, the fiercesome, all conquering Mongol armies withdrew to Mongolia. Their khan, Ogadai, had tied and the Mongols true to their tradition, had returned to their homeland to elect a new leader. How did Ogadai die?

14) Well, Sven Svenson of Sweden poisoned the Mongol leader with lutefisk. Sven knew that just as no Western army could stand up to the Terror of the East, no man could survive eating lutefisk, or even smelling and looking at it. Apparently though, Sven was okay with run-on sentences.

15) Indeed, lutefisk warfare is the primary reason the tiny Viking armies consistently overwhelmed the much larger armies of Ireland, England, France, and Germany. We hear the expression, “God save us from the fury of the Norsemen,” but it used to be, “God saves us from the horror of lutefisk.”

16) Anyway, Svenson was decapitated by the Mongols, which certainly was a bummer for Sven.

17) The United States and the European Union still permit the making and even the selling of lutefisk to adults and innocent children. Why? Why? Because we all know how lutefisk saved Western civilization in 1241. There is even the suspicion that Western armies maintain vast stockpiles of lutefisk, but no one will talk.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: archers, armies, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, Dutch, European Union, Genghis Khan, Himalayan, Hungarian, khan, kourma shurpa, lutefisk, Mongol, Mongolia, Norsemen, Ogadai, pink Himalayan salt, Polish, recipes, Russian, salt, soup, United States, Uzbek, Viking, Western civilization | Leave a comment

Fish and Chips

Posted on May 18, 2015 by pauldelancey

British Entree

FISH AND CHIPS

INGREDIENTS

2½ pounds potatoes (King Edward or Maris if you can get them.)
1⅓ cups flour (3 additional tablespoons later)
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon sea salt or salt
1¼ cups (10 ounces) beer
2 cups peanut oil
5 cups (or enough to cover fish) vegetable oil
4 7-ounce cod, pollock, or haddock fillets
3 tablespoons flour
malt vinegar (to be added by guest)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

deep fryer

Makes 4 servings. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes
Note:: Cooking times vary a lot between fryers or with the amount of food you put in them, so you’ll need to check the fryer periodically.

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Slice potatoes along their lengths into ½” by ½” strips. Add potato strips to first bowl filled with cold water. Let soak for 1 hour to remove starch. Pat the potato strips with paper towels until the strips are completely dry.

This is important. If you leave moisture on your potato strips, then your chips, if you are British, or your French fries, if you’re American, will not turn out well and the Earth will leave its orbit and spiral into the Sun. Enough said.

While potato strips are soaking, add 1⅓ cups flour, pepper, and salt to large, second mixing bowl. Mix thoroughly with whisk. Add beer. Stir with whisk until there are no lumps and mixture has the consistency of whipping cream.

When the potato strips have only 15 minutes left to soak, pre-heat oven to 200 degrees. (You will be making this entree in batches. Put fried fish and completely done fries warm in oven until everything is ready.) Add peanut oil and vegetable oil to deep fryer. Heat oil to 275 degrees. Carefully add ¼ of potato strips to deep fryer. Fry potato strips for 5 minutes or until any of them start to brown. There are now officially French fries or chips. (Pauses for ceremony.) Remove chips from fryer, drain, and set aside. Repeat for each batch of potato strips.

Add 3 tablespoons flour to third bowl. Add fish fillets, one at a time to bowl. Turn fish fillets around until they are coated with flour. This flour keeps the batter from slipping off later. Add flour-covered fish fillets to mixing bowl with batter. Slowly turn fish fillets until they are thoroughly covered with batter.

Increase heat on deep fryer to 375 degrees. Carefully add fish fillets to deep fryer. Fry for 6-to-10 minutes or until batter is crisp and golden brown. Turn fillets two or three times with wooden spoon to ensure even frying. Remove fish fillets with slotted spoon and place on wire rack above plate and let drain.

Add partially cooked French fries to deep fryer for second time. Keep heat at 375 degrees. Fry French fries for 10-to-20 minutes or until they are golden brown and crispy. Remove French fries with slotted spoon and dry with paper towels.

Serve fish and chips and malt vinegar to adoring, appreciative guests. Dredge unappreciative guests through any remaining batter. You were cooking with hot oil, for goodness sake.

TIDBITS

1) Gratuitous Capitalizing of Words has not been allowed in English speaking countries since 1945. Indeed, World War II was fought to preserve our minimalist capitalization approach.

2) You see, Germany capitalizes all nouns. Germany wants the whole world to capitalize nouns. Why does Germany want all this capitalization? Who would benefit from this?

3) The German ink makers. Capitalized letters take more ink than small letters. More capitalized letters means more ink. More ink means more income for the ink makers. No German government from 1814 to 1945 was strong enough to resist the dictates of the German Ink Makers’ League, GIML. So, when GIML told their leaders to invade one country after another to open up new market for ink, their governments obliged.

4) Things looked bad for the minimal-capitalizing countries in mid1940. The British Expeditionary Force was trapped against the beaches of Dunkirk. If this force had surrendered, Britain, the last hold out against German Capitalizing aggression, would have had to give up all resistance.

5) Fortunately in 1940, a young physicist named Peter Sakes, was in a London pub waiting for his fish and chips. Boom! A gigantic explosion blew apart the kitchen walls. Hot cod and hot potato strips flew into the eating and drinking areas. Patrons ran screaming from the establishment. A light clicked in Sakes’ head. Perhaps the same process used to explode fish and chips could be employed to make nuclear fission. A nuclear bomb would surely stop the invincible German armies.

7) Prime Minister Churchill agreed and gathered all British scientists to develop the atomic bomb. Well, the whole thing took longer than expected; the heat from cooking oil proved insufficient to trigger a nuclear chain reaction. So the Americans came on board with their Manhattan Project and by August, 1945, had an atomic bomb to use on Japan.

8) The atomic bomb came too late to use on Germany which had already surrendered. However, the mere hope the bomb had brought to Churchill had given him to will to resist. We owe our freedom and our small-lettered nouns to Mr. Sakes and his idea. Here’s to him and fish and chips!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: atomic bomb, British, British Expeditionary Force, Chef Paul, Churchill, cod, cookbook, De Lancey, Dunkirk, entree, fish, fish and chips, German, ink, Japan, London, malt vinegar, Manhattan Project, potato, pub, recipes, scientists, World War II | Leave a comment

Peanut Brittle (Pé de Moleque)

Posted on May 14, 2015 by pauldelancey

Brazilian Dessert

PE DE MOLEQUE
(peanut brittle)

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons butter
½ cup light corn syrup
2⅓ cups raw, unsalted peanuts
1¾ cup sugar

SPECIAL INGREDIENT

baking pan
big, badass knife

Makes 25 squares. Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Grease baking sheet with butter. Add corn syrup, peanuts, and sugar to pot. Cook using medium-high heat for 5-to-15 minutes or until the mixture has turned dark brown and carmelized. Stir frequently. Remove from heat. Pour caramelized sugar/peanuts into baking pan.

Let peanut brittle in pan cool. When peanut brittle has almost set, mark squares with thin cuts from a knife. This will make breaking the brittle apart easier. At least, that’s the theory. After the brittle has set, you might have to push down on those thin cuts with a big, badass kinfe.

If the brittle shatters into irregular shapes, shrug and say to your guests, “Look at the nice peanut brittle I made for you.” If people fuss, shake your big, badass knife at them. You don’t need that negativity in your life. And after they’ve fled, there’s even more yummy peanut brittle for you.

TIDBITS

1) Road construction was much simpler in early 19th-century Brazil. Workers poured sand where they wanted the road. The specialists took over from there and strew stones over the sand. Adults did not press the stones in the ground. Stones on the ground were beneath them. Literally, hee hee.

Ahem! So, kids, called were hired to walk up and down the road stomping stones into the sand. Kids everywhere, to this day, are excellent stompers. However, the stomping skills of Brazil’s kids during the early 1800s have never been rivaled. Brazil’s smooth roads were the envy of the entire world. Indeed, while people in America have the phrase, “As smooth as a baby’s bottom,” South Americans still say, “As smooth as a Brazilian road.”

2) These roads came to be called pé de moleque or kid’s feet. Similarly, hot dogs are named after the chihuahuas of 18th-century Mexico who tracked down banditos, while the word succotash derives from the not-so-good vacuum cleaners sold by Tash Appliances from 1923 to 1924.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: banditos, Brazil, Brazilian, Chef Paul, chihuahuas, cookbook, De Lancey, dessert, Mexico, pé de moleque, peanut brittle, Peanuts, recipes, succotash | Leave a comment

“Zombie-On-The-Go” Products – ZombieWipe

Posted on May 11, 2015 by pauldelancey

Zombies, has this ever happened to you? You’re on the way home to your lovely wife’s birthday party–You were smart enough to know that death and zombification wouldn’t fly as an excuse to miss it–and oh no, you have brain bits all over your hands. You can’t show up at her party like that. Her relatives never really liked you when you were alive. They sure as shooting, aren’t going to like you with messy mitts.

“I told you, Martha, he was a slob,” your mother-in-law would say.

“I told you he never amount to much,” says your father-in-law. “Not even a bum. Just a no good zombie.” Then he spits on you. And speaking of shooting, messy hands are all the excuse those relatives will need to get out the ol’ shotgun.

People can be so unfeeling to the undead. You want to be spiffy. But how is that possible when your neighborhood HOA kicks you out of your home? When you can’t even get a room and a shower at the YMCA? The song does say, “Young man” not, “Undead man.” When gas stations won’t let you use their restrooms to spruce up? Just one time, a zombie in Oklahoma left a hand in the men’s room. The news went viral and now no gas station in America will let you wash up.

But at heart–Does it still beat when you’re undead? I don’t know–you still take pride in your appearance. What is the anal-retentive zombie to do?

I’m glad you asked. Try Zombie Wipe-tm by Zombie-On-The-Go, LLC. Zombie Wipe gives your hands that minty fresh scent. And there’s more, Zombie Wipe is designed for easy opening, so losing a finger getting at those wipes-for-humans will be a thing of the past.

Now go to your wife’s birthday gala, you party animal, you.

– Paul De Lancey, health reporter

Categories: humor | Tags: anal retentive, beneficial, De Lancey, hand wipes, HOA, murders, undead, wipes, zombie | Leave a comment

Posts Tagged With: De Lancey

Draniki (Potato Pancakes from Belarus)