Zombies, has this ever happened to you? You’re on the way home to your lovely wife’s birthday party–You were smart enough to know that death and zombification wouldn’t fly as an excuse to miss it–and oh no, you have brain bits all over your hands. You can’t show up at her party like that. Her relatives never really liked you when you were alive. They sure as shooting, aren’t going to like you with messy mitts.
“I told you, Martha, he was a slob,” your mother-in-law would say.
“I told you he never amount to much,” says your father-in-law. “Not even a bum. Just a no good zombie.” Then he spits on you. And speaking of shooting, messy hands are all the excuse those relatives will need to get out the ol’ shotgun.
People can be so unfeeling to the undead. You want to be spiffy. But how is that possible when your neighborhood HOA kicks you out of your home? When you can’t even get a room and a shower at the YMCA? The song does say, “Young man” not, “Undead man.” When gas stations won’t let you use their restrooms to spruce up? Just one time, a zombie in Oklahoma left a hand in the men’s room. The news went viral and now no gas station in America will let you wash up.
But at heart–Does it still beat when you’re undead? I don’t know–you still take pride in your appearance. What is the anal-retentive zombie to do?
I’m glad you asked. Try Zombie Wipe-tm by Zombie-On-The-Go, LLC. Zombie Wipe gives your hands that minty fresh scent. And there’s more, Zombie Wipe is designed for easy opening, so losing a finger getting at those wipes-for-humans will be a thing of the past.
Now go to your wife’s birthday gala, you party animal, you.
– Paul De Lancey, health reporter
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.