Posts Tagged With: American

Honey-Mustard Sauce

Posted on August 31, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Appetizer

HONEY-MUSTARD SAUCE

INGREDIENTS

1/3 cup yellow mustard
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard

PREPARATION

Use whisk to mix all the above ingredients in a small bowl. This is so easy and so tasty. Try it!

TIDBITS

1) Mustard was found in the pyramids of Ancient Egypt. Apparently, properly spiced food was just as important in the afterworld as it was in the land of the living.

2) There are 250,000 seeds in a pound of mustard. If you were to count one seed a minute, it would take you almost three days.

3) May I recommend that you a 1/4-teaspoon spoon instead?

4) Canada produces ninety percent of the world’s supply of mustard seeds. Go, Canada!

5) People in the 19th century put packs of mixed hot mustard with a lot of flour on their chests to relieve congestion. They passed this remedy on to succeeding generations.

6) People who used only plain hot mustard on chests were in too much pain to make succeeding generations.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chicken Noodle Soup

Posted on August 29, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Soup

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 1/4 pounds chicken breasts
4 ounces carrots
3 celery stalks
1 medium yellow onion
4 garlic cloves
9 cups chicken broth, a bit more than 2 quarts
1/2 teaspoon basil
2 bay leaves
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon tarragon
1 teaspoon thyme
1 1/2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoon olive oil
12 ounces egg noodles

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts into 1/2-inch cubes. Dice carrots. Devein, or remove long, silky strings from outside of celery stalks by breaking stalk in half and pulling apart. Dice celery and onion. Mince garlic cloves. (Whole garlic cloves rarely fare well in recipes.)

Pour chicken broth into large soup pan. Add chicken cubes, basil, bay leaves, pepper, poultry spice, coriander, oregano, tarragon, and thyme. Cook at medium high for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, back at the saucepan, melt butter at medium heat. Don’t turn your back at this step; butter melts fast. Add olive oil and the diced, minced, and otherwise dazed and defeated veggies mentioned above. Cook and stir at medium heat for 5 to 7 minutes or until vegetables are soft.

Add these sauteed vegetables to the soup pan. Keep cooking the soup at medium-high heat for another 5 to 7 minutes. Add noodles to soup and cook according to instructions on noodles’ package or for about 8 minutes more.

Chicken-noodle soup is good for your health, goes well with biscuits and has been an American favorite for years; even before the Cubs’ last World Series win.

TIDBITS

1) Oregano looks a lot like marijuana, but it cannot get you high or cure glaucoma.

2) As of yet, there are no medical-oregano stores, not even in the most progressive states.

3) Another food that both starts and ends with an “o” is the mighty OreoTM cookie. Most nutritionists hold that this delicacy is not the healthiest of foods.

4) The OreoTM is, however, one of the tastiest morsels on this Earth.

5) As long as you don’t spice it with oregano.

6) Or even garlic.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chicken Strips

Posted on August 27, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Entree

CHICKEN STRIPS

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds chicken breasts
1 big garlic clove
1 cup flour
4 eggs
2 cups bread crumbs
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon lemon-pepper
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon tarragon
1/2 cup peanut oil
1/2 cup sesame oil

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1-inch wide strips. This will be easier when the chicken is already partially thawed. Mince garlic clove.

Get three mixing bowls. Put flour in first bowl. Beat 4 eggs in second bowl. Put bread crumbs in large, third bowl. (You can make bread crumbs by putting toasted bread or old, dried bread in a food processor and mincing it.) Add minced garlic, cayenne, coriander, lemon-pepper, white pepper, salt, and tarragon.

First, roll a chicken strip in flour until all sides are covered. Second, submerge the strip in the egg bowl. Third and last, roll the chicken in the bread crumbs until it is completely covered with bread. Repeat these three steps for all chicken strips. The order for this procedure is particularly important.

Put peanut oil and sesame oil in electric skillet. Heat at 350 degrees. Drop the coated chicken strips in the oil. (Be sure to keep the skillet’s lid between you and the skillet as hot oil might splatter out toward you when you drop the chicken into the skillet.) Cook for 4 minutes, or until golden brown, and turn all strips. Cook for another 4 minutes until the same wondrous color shows up on all of them.

Put paper towels, or napkins, on plate. Put strips on towel. This dish is even tastier with the honey-mustard sauce recipe listed in the next recipe. (A culinary cliffhanger!)

TIDBITS

1) Time to reveal a secret. No one will believe you’re a serious cook unless you say the words, “golden brown,” every five minutes.

2) In the same five minutes, a rocket achieving escape velocity will have soared 2,100 miles.

3) That rocket will fall apart as stage after stage separates and plummets to the Earth.

4) You, however, will not fall to pieces by saying, “Golden Brown.”

5) The famed country singer Patsy Cline fell to pieces whenever you walked by.

6) Country music usually mentions: infidelity, beer, and trucks, but never chicken dipped in honey-mustard sauce.

7) Time to expand the genre.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Eggs Benedict

Posted on August 23, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Entree

EGGS BENEDICT

INGREDIENTS

16 tablespoons or 2 sticks butter
6 egg yolks
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon thyme

8 slices Canadian bacon
8 eggs
2 teaspoons white vinegar
2 teaspoons rice vinegar
4 English muffins
2 sticks butter

Note: this recipe is made for people allergic to undercooked eggs. If you prefer runnier eggs, please halve the times below.

PREPARATION

Melt two sticks of butter in sauce pan. Add 6 egg yolks, lemon juice, salt, cayenne, Worcestershire sauce, and thyme. Mix thoroughly with whisk. Cook on medium high for 6 minutes or until sauce thickens. Stir frequently.

While sauce is cooking, put bacon in frying pan. Cook on medium heat for about 8 minutes flipping the bacon (BACON!) occasionally until both sides turn brown.

While you are cooking the sauce and frying the bacon, (BACON!) start poaching the eggs. Fill a large sauce pan 2/3 to the top with water. Add rice vinegar and white vinegar. Lower the heat until low and wait until the surface of the water is smooth. (You most certainly do not want to be burnt with bubbling water when you add the eggs.) Crack the shells and slide the eggs in the water. Raise the heat to medium and cook for 8 minutes.

In the spare seconds between attending to the sauce, bacon, and poached eggs, toast 4 English muffins or 8 half muffins. (As you can see this is not a dish where you can safely read Moby Dick.)

Butter the cranny-filled side of a muffin half. Add a slice of Canadian bacon, then a poached egg. (Use a spoon with holes in it to retrieve the egg.) Top with Hollandaise sauce.

Be sure to thank vigorously anyone who helps you clean up after this one. If your date cooks you this dish and has everything completely cleaned up by serving time, consider proposing.

TIDBITS

1) Canadian Bacon comes from Canada. Canada has lot of “a”s in it.

2) So does the Mexican city of Guadalajara.

3) America went to war with Mexico in 1846. As a result, America won the entire southwest part of the modern U.S.

4) America never went to war with Canada. Oh sure, we invaded it in 1812, but it was still part of Britain. That war ended in a tie. We got nothing.

5) Maybe it’s because Guadalajara has one more “a” in it than Canada.

6) But everything’s okay now between America and Canada.

7) But who is Benedict and why did he get eggs named after him? Seems like a great idea for product placement.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Powegian Peanut Noodle Soup

Posted on August 22, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Soup

POWEGIAN PEANUT NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

3 chicken frankfurters
2 10.5 ounce cans condensed chicken noodle soup
2 10.5 ounce cans filled with water
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
3 eggs

PREPARATION

Chop frankfurters into pieces about 1/2-inch long. Pour condensed chicken noodle soup into soup pot along with the same amount of water. Add peanut butter, sesame oil, and poultry spice.

Peanut butter is sticky. It sticks to the roof of your mouth and to your measuring cups. You can overcome this vexing property by coating your measuring cup with a thin layer of vegetable oil before measuring. The oil should make the peanut butter slide easily out of the measuring cup and into the pot. If only all of life’s problems were so easily solved.

Cook soup for about 5 minutes on medium-high, stirring occasionally. Add eggs. Increase heat to high until soup boils. Stir frequently until eggs are cooked to your liking.

Keep cookbook open by placing soup  can in the space below.

TIDBITS

1) One of my favorite restaurants from my boyhood is The North Woods Inn near my boyhood home in Arcadia. The owners encouraged their customers to throw their peanut shells on the floor.

2) The restaurant still exists. It took awhile to convince my two sons that such activity was okay and that they were not taking part in a rumble by doing so. After all, such behavior was not tolerated at home.

3) After awhile, they warmed to the idea and soon peanut shells flew in every direction. And so, a fond childhood memory got passed onto the next generation.

4) Aren’t these tidbits more interesting than the “fun fact” I found online that the peanut is not a nut, but a legume related to lentils and beans.

5) Another “fun fact” is that peanuts are an excellent source of folate.

6) Oh, the excitement! I can’t go on.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Stuffed Bell Peppers

Posted on August 18, 2012 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

STUFFED BELL PEPPERS

INGREDIENTS

1 cup brown rice
6 bell peppers (any color)
2 cups water (diet water is okay)
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil
1 teaspoon Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM pice
1/2 teaspoons Prudhomme’s Vegetable MagicTM spice
0 teaspoons salt (too much salt is bad for you. Boo, salt, boo)
1/2 teaspoons black pepper
olive oil
1/4 teaspoons paprika
pig sweat (not really)
1 sweetheart to help you find all the ingredients. Some of the fixings will be lurking behind jugs of milk in the refrigerator

SPECIALTY ITEM

Rice cooker

PREPARATION

The most important thing in this recipe is having the ingredients. But you do have flexibility. For example, if you don’t have Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM spice, use poultry seasoning, coriander, or dill.

The first step is to cut off the tops of the bell peppers and remove the stem and seeds. Fill a pot with water and put a steaming rack over the pot. Put the peppers on the rack. Boil the water in the pot for ten minutes. (Enough time for a three-mile-run if you’re really fast.) All this is done to soften the peppers.

You really ought to know how to cook rice, especially for this recipe. Theoretically, having a rice cooker ought to be idiot-proof. Ha, not for this idiot.

I had never used this rice cooker before. I measured a cup of rice and poured it in. I measured another cup of water and poured it in. There didn’t seem to be as much water as I had thought there would be. I poured another cup. Same result.

The water pooling onto the counter told me something was amiss. “Honey,” I said, “water’s coming out the rice maker.”

She strode into the kitchen, cleaned up the water, looked at the cooker, and at me. “You didn’t put the black plastic pot into the cooker. You probably ruined it.”

“I didn’t know there was a plastic pot,” I said in my defense. My synapses were really firing.

After much spirited debate, I unscrewed the bottom of the cooker and extracted the remaining 223,192 kernels. My wife took the cooker to the bathroom and dried the contraption with a hair dryer. We put it back together, this time with the plastic pot.

Oh, I combined the stupid rice with the turkey meat and all those spices. Mixed them thoroughly with my hands. Don’t shake hands with people while doing this.

Carefully scoop the rice/meat mass into the peppers. Pour some olive oil on top of the peppers and coat the seeds with the oil. Yes, olive oil is oily. If your fingers got coated, you’ll have to wash your hands again. Sprinkle a good amount of paprika on top of the peppers and meat to obtain a nice browning.

Place the stuffed peppers in a baking dish and cook for 35-50 minutes at 350 degrees until the meat is completely cooked. Please do not let anyone fiddle with the timer during the baking. If so, you’ll have to take the peppers out of the oven more than once and poke at the meat to see if it’s done. DO NOT do this without a pot holder.

Any excess rice/meat mass can be combined with ranch beans to make a tasty side dish.

Well, there you have it. These bell peppers made a scrumptious main course. My family loved it. I don’t know if I’ll make it again, though. I’m powerful afraid of that rice cooker.

TIDBITS

1) Asians eat close to forty times as much rice per year as the average American.

2) Although you can puff rice, it does not “pop” as well as popcorn.

3) Rice is a symbol of fertility. That’s why people used to throw handfuls at weddings. The practice stopped when lawyers and insurers stepped in. One might also imagine couples wishing to remain childless objecting.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Juice And Sugar-Glazed Ham

Posted on August 14, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Entree

JUICE AND SUGAR-GLAZED HAM

INGREDIENTS

8.84 pounds spiral-cut ham
1/2 cup pear juice
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1 tablespoons grated orange peel or orange zest
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons honey
1 15-ounce can peach halves

SPECIAL UTENSILS

baster
oven thermometer

Serves 8. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

(If you can’t find a spiral-cut ham that weighs exactly 8.84 pounds, then anything from 6 to 10 pounds will do. Remember improvise, improvise, improvise. For example, if your recipe calls for Moroccan camel cheese to be sprinkled atop your Saharan crepe and your guests are arriving in five minutes and all you have is Four-Mexican cheese blend, use the Mexican cheese. At that point you can hope no one notices the substitution, lie about the substitution, or brag about your ability to cook Moroccan-Mexican fusion.)

Meanwhile back at the recipe, grate an orange peel. Place ham, cut end down, in large baking pan. Cook ham according to directions on its package.

Combine pear juice and orange juice in mixing bowl. After one hour of cooking, take the ham out of the oven and baste the ham with the orange-and-pear-juices mixture. This step really is easiest with a baster. Put ham back in oven.

Take ham out of oven. Combine brown sugar, grated orange peels or orange zest, 1/2 cup honey, and 1/4 cup of drippings from ham in second mixing bowl. Picking up the drippings is easiest and safest with a baster. (If you have already cleaned your mixing bowl, you are an outstanding chef and worthy of the admiration of everyone.) Brush this mixture all over the exposed portion of the ham about an hour before the ham is supposed to be done. (You did save the cooking instructions that came with the ham, didn’t you?) Put ham back in oven.

TIDBITS

1) Eating pig is forbidden to Muslims. Eating beef is forbidden to Hindus. Even biting something cooked in the fat of those animals is impermissible.

2) Cartridges used by the world’s armies in 1856 were often coated in animal grease.

3) In 1856, many of the British Army’s soldiers in India were native Muslims or Hindus. The Moslem soldiers thought their cartridges were coated with pig fat. Religious outrage. The Hindus soldiers felt their bullets were dipped in cow fat. Religious outrage.

4) So the native Indian soldiers rebelled against British rule. Thousands and thousands of people died and many atrocities were committed before the British gained the upper hand.

5) See, proper spicing matters, whether in cooking or maintaining a world-wide empire.

6) If only the British had used duck grease to coat their cartridges. Hardly anyone has religious reservations about duck grease.

7) And everyone likes doughnuts.

8) However, may I recommend frying doughnuts made with vegetable oil, acceptable on every continent? We have a lot of nuclear weapons littering the Earth and the next World War is bound to be a downer.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Hawaiian Eggs

Posted on August 12, 2012 by pauldelancey

Hawaiian Entree

HAWAIIAN EGGS

INGREDIENTS

2 medium onions
1 8 ounce can pineapple pieces
1 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
2 tomatoes or 1 pound can diced tomatoes
2 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon corn flour
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
6 hard-boiled eggs
1 cup rice
2 cups water

PREPARATION

Mince onions. (You have purchased a small processor, haven’t you?) Drain water from diced tomatoes. Saute the onion in butter. Remove the pineapple pieces. Keep the juice.

Blend the corn flour, 2 tablespoons reserved pineapple juice, vinegar, ginger, diced tomatoes, pineapple pieces, cinnamon, salt, and pepper. Add this mix to pan and half of the remaining pineapple juice.

Heat on medium heat for 2 minutes. Simmer for 8 minutes more. Peel eggs. Cut eggs in half lengthwise. Cook rice according to instructions on package.

Cook rice and water according to instructions on bag. Spread this exciting rice on plate. Add eggs. Spoon sauce over rice and eggs.

TIDBITS

1) “Pineapple” is slang for “hand grenade.” This term derives from the appearance of American hand grenades during World War II.

2) Hawaii is one of the only two states not to allow gambling. The other is Utah.

3) Pineapples were unknown to the ancient Romans.

4) Pineapples were originally native to Brazil and Paraguay. Brazil has won the most World Cups in soccer. Coincidence? Perhaps …

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Chinese Hamburger Bash

Posted on August 7, 2012 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

CHINESE HAMBURGER BASH

INGREDIENTS

1 medium onion
2 green bell peppers
2 garlic cloves
1 1/2 ground turkey
1 pound ground beef
12 ounces extra-firm tofu
1/2 tablespoon peanut oil
1/2 tablespoon sesame oil
1/3 cup honey
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1 cup diced tomato
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons cornstarch
About 16 buns
No-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Large spatula

PREPARATION

This recipe is rightly called a bash. It makes about 16 to 20 patties.

Mince onion, bell peppers, and cloves. In large bowl, mix all ingredients except buns. (Don’t mince your own buns; that would be a disaster.) Be sure to make patties smaller than your spatula.

Coat bottom of frying pan with no-stick spray. Cook burgers on medium-high heat. These hamburgers are moister and more prone to crumble than their American counterparts. So, make sure you have the entire patty on top of the spatula before you turn them over. Turn them over carefully. Do not flip them. Turn them over once.

TIDBITS

1) There have been many mass migrations and conquests throughout history. Some examples are: Alexander the Great’s conquests, Rome’s conquest of the Mediterranean, Germanic tribes overrunning the Roman Empire, Arab conquests of North Africa, Mongol invasions of China, Persia, and Russia, and Spanish victories in Central and South America.

2) What do all these bloodthirsty conquerors have in common?

3) None of them ate hamburgers.

4) With or without cheese.

5) They didn’t even eat sliders.

6) Geez, the Romans ate thrush tongues, for goodness sake. What would it have hurt them to eat a Chinese Hamburger?

7) And the Vikings ate lutefisk. Lutefisk! Think of all the monasteries, towns, and libraries that were sacked because the Vikings ate lutefisk instead of Mexican hamburgers.

8) And then there would have been no Dark Ages. Learning would have flourished. We would have had colonies on the moon by the 17th century if only the Vikings had eaten burgers.

9) Or even sliders.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Greek Hamburgers

Posted on August 6, 2012 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

GREEK HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTS

3/4 pounds ground beef
2 tablespoons feta cheese
1/4 teaspoon oregano
1/4 teaspoon parsley
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/3 cup bread crumbs

1/4 cucumber
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 garlic clove

4 hamburger buns

PREPARATION

Crumble the feta cheese. Mix beef, cheese, oregano, parsley, pepper, salt, egg, and bread crumbs. Make four patties. Cook on grill until meat is no longer pink.

Mince cucumber and garlic clove and add to yogurt and mayonnaise. Mix with whisk to make sauce.

Toast the hamburger buns. Put patties in buns. Top patties with sauce. Yum.

TIDBITS

1) As far as I know, Greek hamburgers might be an invention of Greek Americans.

2) Florida leads America in cucumber production.

3) Cucumbers are 95 percent water.

4) Feta is a bad word in Western Sweden.

5) Garlic gloves hung around the neck are supposed to ward off vampires. We have no vampires in Poway, California, so I don’t wear them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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