Uncategorized

“eDating the Old School Way” by Maura Stone – Book Review

Posted on December 3, 2014 by pauldelancey

eDating the Old School Waymauracover

Maura Stone, the Bubbameistah, gives hilarious advice to those looking to the internet for matchmaking. Beware! Okay, okay, that’s a bit too succinct. But you will laugh out loud. You will find out that you are a catch, people out there are crazed murderers who want to see naked pictures of yourself and even worse than will want to meet you at a Dunkin Doughnuts. How do you avoid this fate? By listening to the Bubbameistah. She’ll tell you such secrets as how people make themselves sound better online than in real life and that if it’s meant to be, your e-dating sweetheart will call you back within three days. It’s twue!

Written in such a way that even a economics nerd can relate, eDating the Old School Way is sprinkled with such sage topics as “E-Women are Lunatics.” And on the other hand, what woman would not want the know the following motherly advice, “Would your interest be piqued when he markets himself with “I put the toilet seat down”? If that’s the best he can say for himself, then you know his bar is set way too low.”

eDating the Old School Way is the only self-help book I’ve read all the way through and the world is a better place for it. And the world will still be a better place after the Zombie Apocalypse, for Ms. Stone navigates us through the treacherous waters of eDating for zombie men and Dunkin Doughnut dating.

eDating the Old School Way is available on amazon.com

Check out her  author page on HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com

– Paul R. De Lancey, author of Beneficial Murders and Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ugandan Chapati

Posted on November 16, 2014 by pauldelancey

Ugandan Appetizer

CHAPATI

INGREDIENTSChapati-

1 garlic clove
¼ red onion
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
⅔ cup water (about)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil (additional 12 tablespoons later)
12 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 tablespoon per side of chapati)

PREPARATION

Mince garlic and red onion. Add flour and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Make dough by slowly adding water. Knead or smoosh with hands after each addition of water. The dough has enough water when it sticks together and is just a bit moist. Add 1 tablespoon oil to dough. Knead with hands. Add minced garlic and red onion and knead dough once more. Cover dough and let sit for 20 minutes.

Separate dough into 6 balls. Roll dough out into circles ¼” to ½” thick. Add 1 tablespoon oil to pan for each side of chapati. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Fry dough circles, chapati, one at a time. Fry each side for 1-to-1½ minutes or until golden brown. Monitor the frying of the chapati. You will need to reduce the cooking time or temperature as the temperature of the oil increases.

Chapati goes great with rolex, Ugandan rolled eggs.

TIDBITS

1) It is not advisable to keep nitroglycerine around the house when making chapati.

2) What if you dropped the mixing bowl on the floor? Well, the loud noise it would make might cause the nitroglycerine to explode.

3) Then where would you be?

4) All over the place. All over the neighborhood in fact.

5) Even if you managed to pull yourself together after all this fuss, your chapati would be a goner. And how would you start over with your kitchen destroyed? Don’t even think of asking your neighbors to use their kitchen. You now have a reputation as a messy cook. People will shun you until you give them chocolate doughnuts and chocolate doughnuts are mighty hard to share.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Getting Rich with Magic

Posted on November 3, 2014 by pauldelancey

I recently took the clothes out of the dryer and found $1.36. I didn’t put that financial windfall in there. My wife says she didn’t. The two boys don’t go near clothes dryers.coins

It must be magic or perhaps I went into the future and put the money in there. But I’m entertaining doubt about this theory. You see, I have no time machine. It must be magic. I’ll be doing a lot more laundry from now on. And I’ll find more and more money, enough to build a financial empire. You’ll be invited to visit me at my corporate offices in Paris and Tahiti.  Ho, ho, mais oui.

Now if you’ll excuse I need to make more money.
Heads to the clothes dryer.

“Abra cadabra
Iggy piggy poo,
“Give me money
“A hundred thousand dollars will do.”

– Paul R. De Lancey, Master Magician

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: finance, humor, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bad Artist #12, Writing

Posted on November 1, 2014 by pauldelancey

BadArtist12FIRST WRITING HAIKU

My novel’s stalled.

How shall I save the hero?

So I write haiku.

 

SECOND WRITING HAIKU

I can’t write the scene.

Words fail me. I  keep hearing,

Iggy piggy poo.

 

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cartoon, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Baseball, the Game of Failure

Posted on October 31, 2014 by pauldelancey
  In hardly any aspect of life can a man be if a failure if he succeeds .700 of the time. However, a pitcher stinks if he gets .700 of his batters out. A fielder is wretched if he succeeds on only .925baseball
of his plays. Indeed if he fields the ball or throws the ball when there is no chance to get a runner out, he can only lower his fielding average by making an error. He cannot raise it. But there’s a silver lining in all of this. Every time a major-league pitcher gives up a grand slam you can proudly say, “I’m just as good as he is. ” And indeed you would be. You’d probably uncork a wild pitch and walk the next batter, but the point is you’d be letting only one run in as opposed to four. And just how many pitchers in Major League Baseball can say they could save their team three runs. Time to sit by that phone and wait for those big contract offers.- Paul R. De Lancey, philosopher

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Borhani, Bangladeshi Spicy Yogurt Drink

Posted on October 29, 2014 by pauldelancey

Bangladeshi Appetizer

BORHANI
(spicy yogurt drink)

INGREDIENTSBorhani-

½ teaspoon coriander seeds
½ teaspoon cumin seeds
½ teaspoon brown mustard seeds or regular mustard seeds
2 green chiles.
4 tablespoons fresh mint leaves
½ teaspoon black salt or rock salt or coarse salt
1 teaspoon coarse or regular salt
3½ cups plain yogurt
1¼ cups water

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Add coriander seeds, cumin seeds, and mustard seeds to pan. Cook using medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until seeds start popping. Grind popped seeds in spice grinder. Seed and mince green chiles. Mince mint leaves. Mix green chile and mint together with finger to form a paste. (Be sure to wash hands afterwards. Finger can stand handling chiles. The other parts of yourself cannot. They will burn.)

Add ground seeds, chile/mint paste, black salt, coarse salt, yogurt, and water to blender. Puree until smooth. Put borhani, yogurt drink, in refrigerator until it is cold. Note this drink is definitely an acquired taste.

TIDBITS

1) Borhani is an anagram for Ho Brain.

2) Ho Brain was a punk-rock band from Seattle. On April 17, 1984, they performed their smash hit single, “Culture War.” Although this song was written to be scathing, if unintelligible, satire of America’s cultural imperialism, their frenzied audience took it to mean that the government was tampering with the city’s yogurt supply.

3) The Seattle Yogurt Riots of 1984 lasted for four days during which thousands were arrested and newspaper headlines everywhere ended in exclamation points. The riots petered out as the rowdies gradually realized they never really ever ate plain yogurt. Ho Brain went on to do a world tour of Washington and Oregon before getting lost in an infinite berry patch. And so it goes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #11, Manners

Posted on October 28, 2014 by pauldelancey

BadArtist11

Manners Haiku

Be nice and say please
Clean up after your murders.
Always say thank you.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Make Vote Buying Fun For The Whole Family

Posted on October 27, 2014 by pauldelancey
 grasshoper

 

The campaign spending season is in full swing with well-funded politicians claiming that an enemy victory will result in a plague of locusts o’er the land. (It won’t happen at my home. I have a rather aggressive lizard patrolling my office window.) Anyway, I see all sorts of articles, posts, emails claiming that hopeful politicos might be raising hundreds of millions of dollars. Indeed, in 2010 Meg Whitman spent the colossal sum of $150 million to run for governor of my state of California. This outrages me to no end.

This will happen if you vote for the wrong candidate.

How come I didn’t get any of it?

Look at it this way. Meg–may I call you Meg?–spent about $4 per every human being in this state. Did she get elected? No, she lost. She got nothing. Did we get anything? No, just an endless sea of ads that sapped our wills to live. What should she have done?

Bought our votes. Directly.

We could have gone to her website and pledged  all our eligible votes to her. That would have been two in my case. In return, Meg would have given us $4 in vouchers, per family member,  good to any fast-food restaurant of our choice, $16 for me and my brood! Yum! Yum! Would any votes ever have been sold so tastily

Could her gubernatorial opponent Jerry Brown with his paltry $4 million could have competed? No.

Think about it next time,  candidates. My idea is good for you, it’s good for American voters and it’s good for Taco Bell.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Concerned Citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

Categories: finance, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #10, Computers

Posted on October 25, 2014 by pauldelancey

BadArtist10

 

Love Haiku

My dear sweet darling

I love you even more than

I hate computers.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: cartoon, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great Excuses For Late Homework

Posted on October 22, 2014 by pauldelancey
 1) Teacher, I wrote my homework on paper made of matter. While I was walking to school, my homework paper collided with homework paper made of anti-matter. Woowee! It was almost theSurlyPotatoes end of the universe. Thank goodness, it wasn’t, huh? Anyway, my homework and the anti-homework obliterated each other.

– (your name here)

2) My homework got contaminated with ebola.  Turning it in would only put you at great risk.

3) Plate tectonics, need I say more?

4) I was so tired when I did my homework that I inadvertently switched over to the ancient Incan language. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Ancient Incan, so I’ll need more time to redo it in English.

Surly potatoes

5) Lutefisk vendors moved into the neighborhood. Things got ugly.

6) I wrote my homework on edible paper. Then the dog ate it.

7) The dog ralphed the homework back up, but I figured you wanted something with clean, attractive margins.

8) My homework was erased from the hard drive by the NSA before I could print it out.

11) I took a shortcut to school through Boko Haram territory and they burned my homework in hatred for all Western teaching.

12) I got depressed over Sweden’s treatment in the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.

13) I’m living backward in time like Benjamin Button. I just haven’t unwritten it yet.

14) The mysterious forces that take single socks from the clothes dryer have switched to taking my homework.

15) Spontaneous combustion. Hoo boy! Good thing it didn’t happen while you were grading it.

16) I wrote it on ancient papyrus. London’s Museum of Egyptology wanted the papyrus back.

17) My homework got sucked into a black hole that’s parked outside my front door. Come in through the back if you want to speak to my parents.

18)  There were surly potatoes between me and my homework.

– Paul R. De Lancey, friend of students everywhere.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.