Posts Tagged With: recipes

I Simplify the Federal Income Tax Form

Posted on August 15, 2021 by pauldelancey

I hate paying taxes. Everybody does. I do, however, realize we need taxes to pay for many necessary things such as the military and infrastructure. No, what really gets my goat is that frigging complicated tax form. With all the schedules that go along with the main page, a taxpayer could easily fill out over 30 pages. You’ll need to hire a tax preparer. That’ll run you hundreds of dollars. And that’s after spending three days assembling all the information. What makes it even more horrible is that the IRS scans all the returns looking for mistakes.

Looking for mistakes. Let that sink in. That means they already have the numbers you need to type in on the forms. And they will tell you when they think–no, when they now–you are wrong. What can be done to fix all this madness and frustration?

I’m glad you asked. Let the IRS do your taxes for you, They know what they want on your forms, schedules, and attachments anyway. I hereby propose a new and quite simple form to replace all the tree-devouring pages you used to submit.

It’s called the 1040-P. (P stands for Paul, me. I created this glorious, time saving, liberating page. I deserve some recognition.)

Anyway, I give you the 1040-P

 

I see a Nobel prize in my future.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Things I Want in a Cell Phone

Posted on August 14, 2021 by pauldelancey

All it did was work

I just want my cell phone to work. I want it to work every time. I don’t care for the fancy gizmos the manufacturers insist on adding to each new version of their phones. Every time they improve their product, the phone becomes more and more likely to freeze, breakdown, and bust completely. I call such destructive improvement “Death by Enhancement.” I would be  happy beyond measure, if some company manufactured a simple, reliable cell phone. I shall hold my breath until this happens.

Things I Want in a Cell Phone.

1*) It makes phone calls only when I want.

2*) It never, ever, ever, by itself, turns off the ringer volume down to zero and vibrate only. I don’t care if my cell phone lowers the ringtone level to zero when it bumps against my leg when I carry it in my pants pocket. The cell phone should be designed so that cannot happen.

I definitely do not want the cell phone to turn off the ringtone by itself or activates the do not disturb feature all by itself. What the hell? This has happened to me. This has happened to others, especially lately. I’ve missed important calls because of all of this.

3) The icons on the phone always work when pressed.

4) Texting is easy. This is mostly the case with phones.

5) I don’t want to be blamed for pressing the wrong button, or icon, accidently. The cell phone should be designed against this.

6*) I doesn’t produce random ringtones at 3 am. I suppose the manufacture try to make up for the all the muted calls during the day.

7) Easy to use GPS. This is usually true for cell phones.

* Times where the old rotary phones outperformed the modern cell phone. Heck, instances where my grandmothers’ phone from over a century ago did better.

Well, this is my dream. More power to those who aren’t bothered by any of this.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fun festivals, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Potato Sauerkraut Patties (Tierteg)

Posted on August 13, 2021 by pauldelancey

Luxembourg Breakfast

POTATO SAUERKRAUT PATTIES
(Tierteg)

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds potatoes
1½ pounds sauerkraut
1 pound smoked turkey or chicken
¼ cup lard or butter

SPECIAL UTENSIL

potato masher

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Cut each potato into 8 pieces. Put potato pieces into large pot. Add enough water to cover potato bits. Bring water to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes or until potato is tender. Drain potatoes. Mash potatoes with potato masher. Cut smoked turkey into ½” cubes.

Add mashed potatoes, sauerkraut, and chicken cubes to large mixing bowl. Mix thoroughly by hand. Use hands to make patties 4″ wide and 1″ thick. Add two teaspoons lard to pan. Melt lard using medium-high heat. Add patties to pan. (Don’t let them touch each other.) Sauté for 5 minutes or until bottom side turns golden brown. Flip patties carefully with spatula. Add 2 teaspoons lard to pan. (These patties are crumbly. Should they come apart, press separated pieces together with spatula.) Repeat for successive batches. Goes well with a friend who cleans up afterward.

TIDBITS

1) The above photo shows a domesticated potato sauerkraut patty. You may safely leaves these patties alone. It’s even safe to eat them and heavens, they’re yummy.

2) Never put feral sauerkraut patties on a plate. They’ll attack your fingers. And my gosh no, never leave them alone. They know what you have in store for them and they don’t like it one bit. The feral patty, in a whirlwind of activity, will destroy kitchen and then off and hide. At night, they’ll come out and nip your toes before leaving your home, never to be seen again.

3) If you must buy a feral potato sauerkraut patty, for Pete’s sake, buy a plate equipped with electrical force fields. The force field discharges an electric shock strong enough to knock out any patty that gets too close to edge of the plate. It takes but only three or four electric jolts to turn even the wildest patty into a reliably tame one. Get one online at http://www.CulinaryForceFields.com. They’re quite the nifty gizmo.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fun Festivals – Saidaiji Eyo Naked Man Festival

Posted on August 12, 2021 by pauldelancey

If you happen to be in Japan on the third Saturday of February, you might wish to see the Naked Man Festival. The best one is reportedly held in Okayama, although how they decided this is difficult to measure. The men, clad only in loincloths race toward Saldaiji Temple to collect lucky sticks. I can just see a naked man saying, “Honestly officer, I’m not fleeing an enraged husband. I’m participating in the Naked Man Festival.” The officer will roll his eyes. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

Participants need to register in advance with Saldaiji temple and buy a loincloth. It’s February. You will be cold. Then you run around the temple for two hours and through a fountain of frigid water. This purifies your body and soul. Fully purified, the race becomes competitive. Indeed, the event has become quite a team sport with many teams sponsored by local businesses. The goal is to catch one of two wooden sticks, shingi, thrown into the racers midst by a temple priest. Catching a shingi confers good fortune for a entire year.

Spectators vie for 100 lucky items thrown in the crowd. These items aren’t as lucky as the shingi, but you don’t have to strip nearly naked and run through a fountain of icy water either.

Amazingly enough, there’s a more subdued version of this for the local children. This strengthens the bonds between residents.

Tourists can shop at the excitingly named street of Go Fuku Dori.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fun festivals, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Health Advisory – Stop the Spread

Posted on August 11, 2021 by pauldelancey

Do your bit!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Romanian Salata de Boeuf (Beef Salad)

Posted on August 10, 2021 by pauldelancey

Romanian Entree

SALATA DE BOEUF
(Beef Salad)

INGREDIENTS

1 pound thin beef sirloin
1⅓ pounds potatoes
2 carrots
2 eggs
⅓ cup green peas
1 cup diced or sliced pickles
½ cup pickled red bell peppers
1 cup mayonnaise (¼ cup more later)
2 tablespoons mustard
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon fresh parsley

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour. No mayonnaise topping at front, so you can see inside.

PREPARATION

Add sirloin and enough water to cover. Bring to boil at high heat. Boil for 30 minutes or until sirloin is tender. Drain. Remove sirloin, let cool, and chop into ½” cubes. While beef cooks, add potatoes and enough water to large pot. Bring to boil at high heat. Boil for 25 minutes or until tender. Drain. Let potatoes cool. Peel potatoes and chop them into ½” cubes.

While sirloin and potatoes cook, add carrots and water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Boil for 15 minutes or until carrots becomes tender. Drain and cool. Chop carrots into ½” cubes. Add water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Carefully add eggs. Boil for 8 minutes for soft boiled and 12 minutes for hard boiled. Let cool. Peel and cut each egg into 6 slices.

Add sirloin, potato, carrot, peas, pickles, pickled red-bell peppers, 1 cup mayonnaise, mustard, pepper, and salt. Mix by hand until well blended. Add this mixture to a serving plate. Mold by hand into a flat, round shape like a layer of cake. Use spatula to coat cake-shape mixture with ¼ cup mayonnaise. Dice parsley. Garnish with egg slices and parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Prehistoric humans believed the Sun was a god. Egg yolks look like the Sun. Our ancestors reasoned that egg yolks themselves must possess a bit of divinity. The ancient Egyptians went further. Any animal that could birth so much godliness must itself be divine. The chicken became the preeminent Egyptian god. However, during the 18th dynasty, the priests of Amun Ra gained power and destroyed the Chicken Cult. Chickens would never again be worshipped. Their eggs, however, may be enjoyed in this dish.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Simplify Checkers

Posted on August 9, 2021 by pauldelancey

Has this happened to you? You’re playing the part of Jean Valjean for the Broadway premier of Les Miserables. Curtain goes up in about a hour. You’re a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be? So you ask the actor for Javert to play a board game with you. He agrees. He’s nervous as well. The two of you vote against chess. It’d take way too long. So you play checkers. You become engrossed in the game. Neither of you hears the five-minutes call. The producer, frantic with worry, gives your roles to your understudy. Neither of you will ever act again. What could have been done?

Play Paul’s Simplified Checkers. It’s played on a three-by-three board. Each side get two checkers. Now let’s look at a truly exciting game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The start of the game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of first move. Red player has moved  from           End of second move. Black player has jumped
A1 to A2.                                                                       Red’s checker, C3 to A1 and was kinged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End of third move. Red Player has moved from          End of fourth move. Black played has jumped
from A3 to B2.                                                              Red’s, A1 to C3. Black player wins.

My goodness that was exciting. And it was quick. You needn’t ever again lose a Broadway acting job because you checker’s game took too long. In fact, all games will last exactly four moves. What more do you want?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Serbian Gibanica (Cheese Pie) – New Tidbits

Posted on August 7, 2021 by pauldelancey

Serbian Dessert

GIBANICA
(Cheese Pie)

INGREDIENTS

6 eggs
2 cups cottage cheese
1 cup crumbled feta cheese
1 cup sour cream
¾ cup (1½ sticks) butter
1 pound filo (phyllo) dough

SPECIAL UTENSILS

9″-x-13″ baking pan or casserole dish

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Separate eggs. Beat egg whites until fluffy. Add egg yolks, cottage cheese, feta cheese, and sour cream to mixing bowl. Blend thoroughly with whisk or fork. Fold in egg whites. Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Melt butter using low heat. Brush pan with 2 tablespoons melted butter.

Place 2 sheets filo dough in pan. Drizzle 2 tablespoons melted butter over filo. Spread ¼ cup egg/cheese mix on top. Gently crinkle 2 filo sheets into accordion-like balls. Dip accordion balls into cheese/egg mix from bowl until lightly coated. Place coated accordion-like filo balls over flat filo sheets in pan. Repeat until you have 2 filo sheets remaining. Top with remaining 2 filo sheets. Brush top filo sheets with remaining butter and cheese/egg mix. Bake in over at 360 degrees for 50 minutes or until top is reddish, golden brown. Serve warm or let cool.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe use eggs. When cooking, you really want eggs that stay put. It’s so hard to hold onto eggs that move around. Dancing eggs are the bane of chefs. Cooks everywhere drop thousands of dancing eggs every day. But how do you know if the eggs in the carton are motionless or prone to dance? After all, they can’t move in the carton. Study carefully the photos below for signs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Simplify Where’s Waldo(tm)?

Posted on August 6, 2021 by pauldelancey

 

Where’s Bettie?

Where’s Waldo is quite the amusing diversion. It’s loved by millions. But it can take time to find that rascally Waldo, particularly since he loves to hang with folks wearing nearly identical outfits. Clearly he doesn’t want to stand out in a crowd. I think it would be nigh on impossible to pick Waldo out of a police lineup.

As mentioned above, finding Waldo is quite the pleasant way to pass the time. But what if you don’t have the time to pass? What if your fiancée is flying back from a trip to see her family? You’re supposed to leave the house at at nine at night to get her home from the airport.. However, it’s only 8 P.M.. You decide to pass the time playing Waldo. But you can’t find Waldo. You really, really can’t pick him out. He’s in a crowd of Waldo impersonators. Also the characters in the picture are teeny tiny and you can’t distinguish them since you lost your reading glasses.

You’re really not having a good day. However, you’re not a quitter. You persevere. The minutes pass. The hours pass.  At first, she waits eagerly for the love of her life to come rescue her from airport hell. Soon she looks forward to seeing you. Then she grows antsy. A deep and abiding hatred develops. Eventually, a red mist envelops her.

You break all speed limits to get to the airport. At 3 a.m.. You run toward her and throw open your arms to hug her. She drills you between your eyes with a bullet from her Glock(tm). Ironically, you gave her the Glock for her own protection. You, however, cannot appreciate the irony. You’re dead.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.  You should have played “Where’s Bettie?” I show the game in the picture on the right. The game is rated as being solvable in five minutes, but many people claim to have solved the puzzle in less time than that. Play “Where’s Bettie?” and you’ll never miss a can’t-miss appointment again.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Favorite Serious TV Shows – Part Two

Posted on August 5, 2021 by pauldelancey

I really had to test my brain to remember some of these from way back. I’m probably forgetting some great shows. Some I never saw.
I enjoyed all of the ones in this list.

Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (1984-1985)
Age of Samurai
Alias Smith and Jones
All Creatures Great and Small
Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations
Band of Brothers
Baseball by Ken Burns
Civil War by Ken Burns
Clarkson’s Farm
Daniel Boone
Father Brown
Have Gun Will Travel
I, Claudius
Jack Whitehall : Travels With My Father
John Adams
Kung Fu
Last Kingdom
Little House on the Prairie
Maverick
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
Miss Marple
Mister Roger’s Neighborhood
Mr. Selfridge
Nova
Outer Limits
Peaky Blinders
Planet Earth
Rifleman
Roots
Sesame Street
Troy: Fall of a City
Wagon Train
White Queen
World at War

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., critic

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: critic | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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