Posts Tagged With: Lutheran

Brownies

Posted on September 26, 2015 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

BROWNIES

INGREDIENTS

13 tablespoons butter
1 cup unsweetened cocoa
¼ teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
1¼ teaspoon vanilla extract
3 eggs
½ cup flour
no-stick spray.

Brownies assuming a defensive posture against lions.

SPECIAL ITEM

8″-square baking pan
or 8″-square oven-safe casserole

Makes 16 brownies. Takes 40 minutes to cook and 45 minutes to cool, if you can wait that long.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees if you are using a baking pan and if 300 degrees if you are using a casserole dish. Add butter to pan. Cook using low-medium heat until butter melts. Stir frequently. Add cocoa. Reduce heat to low. Mix thoroughly with whisk until all lumps disappear. Remove from heat. Add salt, sugar, and vanilla extract one at a time to pan. Mix with whisk after each ingredient until mixture becomes thoroughly blended. Add eggs one at time. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add flour. Mix batter with whisk until you can no longer see any flour and there are no lumps.

Spray baking pan with no-stick spray. Pour batter into baking pan. Smooth batter with spatula. Bake batter at 325 degrees for 20-to-25 minutes or until a toothpick stuff into middle of batter comes out clean. Carefully remove 8″-x-8″ brownie from baking pan. Let cool for 45 minutes. Cut into 16 2″-square brownies.

TIDBITS

1) The natural enemy of the feral brownie is the lion. This is why brownies inhabiting the African grasslands travel in threes. (See above picture.) There is safety in numbers.

2) Aerial combat first occurred during World War One. Single planes proved easy prey to multiple enemy planes. However, there was no favored flight formation until Burton Manley from South Africa wrote the Royal Flying Corps how brownies covering territory in a certain pattern–Shown above–rarely suffered losses to even the most ferocious lions and that maybe their pilots should do the same. The Royal Flying Corps gave it a try. It worked! British pilots dominated the skies. The war would be won. A grateful British government gave Manley a medal, a cookie and some milk.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, humor | Tags: aerial combat, American, apocalyptic, British, brownies, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, dessert, government, HumorOutcasts, lions, Lutheran, pilots, planes, recipes, Royal Flying Corps, South Africa, thriller, vanilla | Leave a comment

Space Aliens and My Nose

Posted on September 24, 2015 by pauldelancey

People wonder why we never see any space aliens. It’s because they’re all teeny tiny and they fly their UFOs up my nose. My nose thinks the UFOs are pollen and I have allergies to pollen. So, my nose sneezes them out. I, like most people, sneeze at 200 mph, too much force for the itsy bitsy UFOs. The UFOs get obliterated. So we never see the UFOs.

Of course, the big questions is why would teensy weensy aliens repeatedly try to land or dock in my nose. Who knows?

– Paul R. De Lancey, a great sneezer

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, De Lancey, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, nose, Paul R. De Lancey, pollen allergies, space aliens, thriller, UFOs | Leave a comment

My Not to Do List – 5

Posted on September 23, 2015 by pauldelancey

I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . . I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: apocalyptic, cafeterias, college, culinary, De Lancey, Geneva Convention, haggis, HumorOutcsts, hunks, lutefisk, Lutheran, no to do, Paul, penguin, Scots, Scottish, thriller, university, Vegamite, Viking | Leave a comment

Ask Dr. Economics – Poverty

Posted on September 19, 2015 by pauldelancey

Dear Dr. Economics,

Why is there so much poverty?

– Ms. Anne Thracks, Paducah, KY

Dear Ms. Thracks,

Too many people don’t have enough money.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: finance, humor | Tags: apocalyptic, Ask Dr. Economics, De Lancey, Dr. Economics, economics, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, Paducah, Paul De Lancey, thriller | Leave a comment

Syrian Chicken Casserole (fatti dejaj)

Posted on September 14, 2015 by pauldelancey

Syrian Entree

FATTI DEJAJ
(chicken casserole)

INGREDIENTS – MAIN

1 cup rice
2 cups chicken stock (additional ⅔ cup later)
3 chicken breasts
2 garlic cloves
1 bay leaf
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
⅔ cup chicken stock
3 pita loaves or rounds
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1½ tablespoons lemon juice
¼ cup tahini
2 cups plain yogurt
1½ tablespoon ghee or butter
1 cup almonds, cashews, pistachios, or combination (slivered or halves)
½ tablespoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 casserole dishes

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Add rice and 2 cups chicken stock to rice cooker or pot. Cook rice according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves. Add chicken cubes, garlic, bay leaf, pepper, salt, and ⅔ cup chicken stock to first casserole dish. Coat chicken cubes thoroughly. Bake at 450 degrees for 45minutes. Stir every 15 minutes to keep chicken from drying out. Remove bay leaf.

While chicken bakes, cut pita rounds into 1″ squares. Add pita squares and oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until pita squares turn golden brown. Place pita squares on paper towels.

Add lemon juice, tahini, and yogurt to mixing bowl. Mix gently with spoon. Add ghee and nuts to pan. Toast them on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until they start turning golden brown. Stir constantly.

Add sautéed pitas squares to second casserole dish. Smooth with fork. Add rice. Smooth with fork. Add lemon juice/tahini/yogurt sauce. Smooth gently with fork. Add chicken cubes. Smooth with, oh what the heck, spoon. Sprinkle sautéed nuts and parsley over chicken cubes.

Serve to guests who darn well better appreciate all the effort you made preparing this wonderful dish.

TIDBITS

1) Syrian has many people.

2) People have bones in them.

3) There are enough bones in the human body to enable a person to stand up with enough bones leftover for arms and hands.

4) Arms and hands are used to drink root beer from glass mugs.

5) Root beer tastes like good childhood memories.

6) There is a man in Syria called Ryan.

7) Ryan drank root beer. He had a good childhood.

8) He’s old now, but as a child was very well liked.

9) People used to greet each other with, “Is Ryan healthy?” or “Is Ryan happy?” or “Is Ryan drinking root beer?” or even, “Is Ryan doing his econometrics homework?”

10) This happened so often that when the region became independent of France in 1946 people naturally wanted to call their country “Isryan.”

11) However, Ryan, a perpetually modest man, demurred.

12) But the people persisted. Isryan. Stamps with Isryan were printed.

13) Ryan demurred.

14) Fortunately, the World Anagramist Society met in Damascus a scant two weeks after independence.

15) They suggested Syrian for the name of the country. The people were contented. “As long as ‘Is Ryan’ in their somehow. Ryan was happy as well. He could pretend the country wasn’t named after him.

16) Remarkably, it took until 2002, the year the Angels finally won the World Series, for people to realize than Syrian sounds more like someone from Syria than a country. So after consulting Ryan and getting his permission, the people held a referendum and changed the country’s name to Syria.

17) If ever come across a stamp bearing the word “Isryan” save it, for goodness sake. It’s quite valuable.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: anagramists, bones, casserole, Chef Paul, chicken, cookbook, Damascus, De Lancey, econometrics, entree, fatti dejaj, France, ghee, independence, Lutheran, mushrooms, pistachios, pita, recipes, root beer, Ryan, stamps, Syria, Syrian, tahini, yogurt | Leave a comment

Christmas Gift Idea #1

Posted on August 19, 2015 by pauldelancey

What do you get for that special someone who has everything? Why a gift certificate for a restaurant restroom, of course. This memorable present is sure to take your relationship to an entirely new level.

– Paul R. De Lancey, gift advisor

Categories: history | Tags: apocalyptic, De Lancey, gift advisor, gift certificates, humorous, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, relationship, restaurant, restroom, special someone, thriller | 3 Comments

Indonesian Nasi Goreng

Posted on August 17, 2015 by pauldelancey

Indonesian Entree

NASI GORENG

INGREDIENTS

1½ cups rice
1 pound chicken breasts
2 garlic cloves
2 green onions
1 shallot
1 inch gingerroot
1 large carrot
1 chile pepper, red or green
½ small cucumber
1 tablespoon sesame oil (1 additional teaspoon later)
2 tablespoons peanut oil
1 teaspoon sambal oelek or hot chili sauce
2 teaspoons fish sauce or Hoisin sauce or soy sauce
3 tablespoons ketjap manis or soy sauce
1 teaspoon dried shrimp
½ pound peeled and deveined shrimp
2 eggs

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 40 minutes

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on packet. Shred chicken into thin strips. Mince garlic cloves, green onions, and shallot. Grind gingerroot into fine paste. Dice carrot and chile pepper. Peel and thinly slice cucumber.

Add 1 tablespoon sesame oil, garlic, green onion, ginger, shallot, and chile pepper to first pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion and shallot softens. Stir frequently. Add peanut oil, shredded chicken, carrot, sambal oelek, fish sauce, ketjap manis, and dried shrimp to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes or until chicken turns golden brown. Add shrimp and sauté on medium heat for 4 minutes or until shrimp turns orange.

While chicken and then shrimp sauté, add eggs and 1 teaspoon sesame oil to second pan. Fry eggs on medium heat for about 3 minutes or until done to desired level. Remove eggs and cut into thin strips. Add garlic/onion/gingeroot mix, shredded-chicken mix, rice, and egg strips to large serving bowl. Toss ingredients together. Garnish with cucumber slices.

TIDBITS

1) Shrimp can only swim backward.

2) The ability to walk backward is a highly praised trait among tour guides.

3) You’d think shrimp would be naturals as tour guides, but their limited life expectancy out of water and their, let’s face it, complete inability to speak is a real resume stain.

4) Uncooked shrimp are called “œgreen.” If you know this, you will win on JeopardyTM.

5) Male shrimp cannot get pregnant, just like human males.

6) However, in startling contrast, women usually give birth to one baby, while female shrimp pop out up to one-million eggs.

7) This is why baby-naming books for shrimp are extremely popular and long.

8) If you haven’t seen these books, it is because these books are only found on the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico or the sea floors of other seas where shrimp woo, marry, and engage in whoopee.

9) Shrimp raised in shrimp farms do not have access to baby-naming books. This is why captive shrimp always name their male babies, “Robert” and their female offspring, “Marie.”

10) The average shrimp is about 6″ long, while the longest extended to16″. In contrast, the average penis measures 5.1″, with the longest one topping out at 13.5″

11) Hence the famous saying, “Is that a shrimp in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”

12) People’s eyes have only 3 different photoreceptive cones, while shrimp have 16. We can only imagine what vivid colors these crustaceans see, what vivid art they could produce.

13) Unfortunately, shrimp only paint in water colors which run immediately in their underwater abodes. Their art disappears immediately. We never get to see their creations. So we eat them instead.

14) Shrimp are slowly but surely evolving defense systems to fight back. Indeed, the mantis already possesses fast and powerful claws. They can break aquarium glass.

15) You no doubt recall the chaos and the terror that occurred when ten-million mantis shrimps staged a mass break out of the aquarium at Fort Lagniappe, Louisiana. The entire town disappeared under a wave of crabby crustaceans. It was only when the Air Force bombed the shrimp with hot garlic-butter sauce that the threat was contained. Every May 9th since then has been known as National Shrimp Day.

16) To ensure manageable levels of shrimp, the federal government promotes the inclusion of bacon-wrapped shrimp in school lunches. If your school’s cafeteria does not carry this entree, by all means, contact your congressman at once.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: aquarium, breasts, chicken, congressman, cookbook, crustacean, De Lancey, entree, Federal Government, Gulf of Mexico, hoisin, hunks, Indonesia, ketjap manis, Louisiana, Lutheran, mantis, mushrooms, nasi goreng, Paul, recipes, sambal oelek, school lunches, shrimp, thriller, tour guides | 2 Comments

Bucket List #1 – Scaling a Mighty Mountain

Posted on August 9, 2015 by pauldelancey

I’ve craved all my life the recognition of climbing a mountain. Now I have proof, as you can see in the picture shown to the right. You have to pass the rigorous test of having enough money to buy the decal. Not content with this test, I opted for advanced quizzing as evinced by the following conversation:

Me: I noticed this sticker says, “I climbed Cadillac Mountain.”

National Park Gift Shop Employee (NPGSE): Yes, it does.

Me: That’s different from, “I climbed the entire mountain.”

NPGSE: That’s right.

Me: So, it’s perfectly okay to count the climbing I did around here as climbing the mountain.

NPGSE: I think so.

There you go, not only am I an intrepid mountaineer, but a scrupulously honest one as well. My appetite for exciting adventures has been whetted. I look forward to my next bucket-list item. If danger scares you, feel free to participate at a safe distance through my blogs.

– Paul R. De Lancey, danger seeker

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, bucket list, Cadillac Mountain, De Lancey, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mountaneer, mushrooms, rigorous test, thrller | Leave a comment

Soul Crunching Computers

Posted on August 8, 2015 by pauldelancey

Computers that take forever to load, freeze, or crash make you cuss. Repeatedly. They make you say horrific things that will cast your soul down to the fiery pits of Hell. You don’t want to go there, it’s unambiguously bad. Think of a presidential debate that never ends. But you can’t survive without your Facebook and kitchen pictures. What can be done?

When buying a computer, look for the following five characteristics:

It works.
It works.
It works. If you see this, it’s already too late.
It works.
It works.

For pity’s sake do not purchase a computer lacking any of the above five points. A working computer will give you a chance to go to Heaven. A bad computer will send you to Hell. Choose wisely.

– Paul R. De Lancey, computer owner

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, computers, De Lancey, heaven, Hell, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, Paul R. De Lancey, presidential debate, soul, thriller | 1 Comment

Chicken Prosciutto Sandwich

Posted on July 22, 2015 by pauldelancey

Fusion Entree

CHICKEN PROSCIUTTO SANDWICH

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken breasts
1 cup aioli sauce
6 ounces mozzarella
1 Roma tomato
4 sesame-seed hamburger buns
1 cup bread crumbs
8 slices proscuitto
4 lettuce leaves
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

kitchen mallet
parchment paper
3 cookie or baking sheets

Takes 1 hour 40 minutes. Makes 4 sandwiches.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Flatten chicken breasts with kitchen mallet. Add chicken breasts and aioli sauce to large mixing bowl. Turn chicken breasts by hand until chicken is thoroughly coated. Put in refrigerator and marinate for 1 hour.

While chicken marinates, cut mozzarella and tomato into 4 slices each. After marinating, add bread crumbs to 2nd mixing bowl. Place a mozzarella slice on each hamburger-bun top. Remove chicken breasts from 1st mixing bowl, saving the remaining aioli sauce. Dredge chicken breasts through bread crumbs until they are completely coated. Spray 1st cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes. (You will be adding two more cookie sheets after 13 minutes.)

While chicken is baking, place parchment paper on 2nd cookie sheet. Place proscuitto on top of parchment paper. Place all hamburger bun halves, including the ones with cheese, on 3rd cookie sheet. After the chicken has baked for 13 minutes, add the proscuitto and the cheese-covered buns to the oven. Continue baking for another 7 minutes or until chicken crumbs are golden brown, proscuitto is starting to become crispy, and the cheese on the buns has melted.

Spread saved aioli sauce on hamburger-bun bottoms. Place lettuce leaf on bottom hamburger bun. Put chicken breast on lettuce leaf, then add 2 prosciutto slices. Complete with cheese covered hamburger-bun top.

TIDBITS

1) Have chicken prosciutto sandwiches always been round?

2) No! Prior to the siege of Picanza, Italy by Napoleon’s troops in 1813, they were triangular. The Picanzans found that shape easy to hold while eating.

3) The triangular sandwiches were also deadly weapons in the hands of the town’s ninjas, particularly after the snack had hardened from being left out in the hot Italian Sun for two weeks.

4) Oh! Don’t forget to go to Picanza’s annual Ninja Chicken Prosciutto Sandwich Toss Festival every April 1. Teams from all over the world compete for the Golden Sandwich Trophy, although Italy and Japan have done all the winning. Be sure to get out of the way of the tosses!

4) The odor from two-week old prosciutto often drove away invading armies just by itself. Well, at least until 1767 when it became standard for armies to carry pumpkin-spiced incense sticks.

5) But in 1813, the clever Napoleon constantly moved his troops upwind from the city. The gale forces winds of that summer continually blew the chicken-prosciutto-sandwich-death triangles back into the city whey dealt widespread carnage among the cafe drinkers. To this day, Picanzans always drink their espresso inside.

6) It looked bad for the Picanzans. The French would fire cannon balls into the city. The Picanzans unable to hurl their hardened sandwich resorted to making scary faces at the besiegers. It was an unequal struggle.

7) Thank goodness for the annual Bowling Ball Festival. Unlike most bowling festivals, this one took place on the precipitous Strada Ripido. Why was it held on such a steep street? The competitors used Parmesan wheels as bowling balls and those 200 pound rounds are heavy. Francesco Poblano suggested they crush the French army by rolling Parmesan cheese at them. The mayor said, “Are you crazy! How will we make eggplant Parmesan?” The ever-clever Franceso said, “Why not make our chicken prosciutto sandwiches round. That way, when they don’t get eaten, we can roll the hardened sandwiches down our steep hills and crush the French down below.”

8) The mayor and other notables proclaimed Francesco a genius and erected a statue in his honor made of bread crumbs and eggs. That statue is still there.

9) Anyway, the Picanzans rolled chicken-prosciutto sandwiches dried out to death dealing hardness at Napoleon’s forces. The bowled over French fled the surrounding hill in terror. Napoleon suffered an irreversible blow to his prestige. Nations all over Europe took courage from his humiliation and rose up against him, swamping the French armies by sheer force of numbers.

10) By 1815, the once great French emperor was exiled to the remote island of St. Helena, where he eked out a tenuous living selling French-style hot dogs out of a vending cart.

11) Oh! Don’t forget to go to Picanza, Italy for its annual Bowling Ball Festival. It’s exciting, particularly if you watch the event at the bottom of Strada Ripido. I suggest paying extra for seats at the top of the steep road.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: finance, history, humor, international | Tags: apocalyptic, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, entree, French, fusion, golden, HumorOutcasts, Italy, Lutheran, Napoleon, ninja, Parmesan, proscuitto, recipes, sandwich, St. Helena, thriller | Leave a comment

Posts Tagged With: Lutheran

Brownies

BROWNIES

Space Aliens and My Nose

My Not to Do List – 5

Ask Dr. Economics – Poverty

Syrian Chicken Casserole (fatti dejaj)

Christmas Gift Idea #1

Indonesian Nasi Goreng

NASI GORENG

Bucket List #1 – Scaling a Mighty Mountain

Soul Crunching Computers

Chicken Prosciutto Sandwich

CHICKEN PROSCIUTTO SANDWICH

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Paul’s archives

Posts Tagged With: Lutheran

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CHICKEN PROSCIUTTO SANDWICH

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