Posts Tagged With: honey

Honey Lavender Goat’s Milk Soap

HONEY LAVENDER GOAT’S MILK SOAP

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INGREDIENTS
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1 tablespoon lavender buds
1 teaspoon gold mica powder
2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds goat’s milk soap base
1 teaspoon lavender essential oil
2 tablespoons honey
isopropyl alcohol
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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soap molding
spray bottle
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Makes 10½ bars. 1″ wide. Takes 3½ hours.
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PREPARATION
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Add lavender buds to spice grinder. Grind until the bud bits are small as possible.. Add gold mica and 2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
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Cut goat’s milk base into 1″ cubes. Add goat’s milk base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in 30 second intervals. Stir after every time. Add gold mica powder/isopropyl mix and lavender essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 15 minutes. (This inhibits lavender bits and honey from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add lavender bits and honey. Mix with knife until well blended.
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Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol. Pour melted soap into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
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TIDBITS
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1) Earth has gravity. The gravity of anything on Earth’s surface is defined to be one bar. The gravity of one soap bar is one bar. They’re the same! The same, I tell you! Let’s see if the reverse is true. Does one bar weigh one bar? It does! It does!
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­2) Oh my gosh, gravity comes from soap bars. Without soap’s gravitational field, nothing on Earth would stay on Earth. All of humanity and all our remote controls would eventually float off into space. Without our remote controls, how would we watch our favorite television programs?
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3) So, scatter as many soap bars as you can around your home and for pity’s sake, keep a firm grip on your Honey Lavender Goat’s Milk soap whenever you shower. Your future depends on it.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Food to Die For: Paul’s 365 Meals of Murder, Mayhem, and Mischief – February 25

February 25: This entree from Brunei celebratesbrate a drunken man breaking into a Pizza Hut(tm) on this day to fry wings

You love Pizza Hut(tm). Who does not? You love chicken.  Billions of people devour chicken. You want your chicken wings fried just the way you like it. But there’s that saying, “If you want something done right, you got to do it yourself.” Normally you’d fry your chicken at home. Alas and alack, you don’t can’t find your deep fryer or even a frying pan. Maybe you don’t have electricity or gas as you forgot to pay your utility bills.  Certainly no electricity would cause the chicken wings in your fridge to go bad. Or perhaps your synapses aren’t firing today.

What to do? Most people, at this point, would look harder for the deep fryer and the frying pan. Most folks would get on the phone and use their credit card to pay their utility bills. The rest of us would make our way to a restaurant or fast food joint and order chicken.

Not so for our plucky hero. He thought outside the box. He broke into a Pizza Hut and used their kitchen to fry his chicken wings. Alas, the enterprising fellow found himself being arrested by the police. I don’t know if he managed to eat his chicken wings. Now, he thinks inside the cell. Life can be hard.

The meal you should serve to commerate this day:  Honey Garlic Barbecue Pizza

If only the drunken chicken-wing lover had enough money and patience to fly halfway across the world to Brunei, where there is a Pizza Hut, he could have eaten honey garlic barbecue pizza. But luckily for you, I have a recipe for this dish.  It’s like the pizza served at the Pizza Hut in Brunei. And it has chicken as a topping! You can eat this tasty meal legally and in the comfort of your home.

HONEY GARLIC BARBECUE CHICKEN PIZZA

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1 teaspoon cornstarch
¾ cup water
3 garlic cloves
⅔ cup barbecue sauce
¼ cup honey
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 chicken breast
1 large bulb garlic (about 12 cloves)
½ tablespoon olive oil (1 more tablespoon later)

INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY

2 green onions
1 pre-made crust (store bought or your own)
1 tablespoon olive oil
½ pound grated mozzarella cheese
½ tablespoon sesame seeds

SPECIAL UTENSILS

roasting pan or baking pan
pizza pan
sonic obliterator

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add cornstarch and water to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork until cornstarch dissolves. Mince 3 garlic cloves. Add cornstarch/water blend, minced garlic cloves, barbecue sauce, honey, and soy sauce to pot. Bring to boil at medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Lower heat to low-medium and simmer until sauce thickens. Remove and set aside. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Add chicken cubes to pot. Stir until sauce coats chicken cubes. Marinate until garlic bulbs in next step are done roasting.

Cut off top of garlic bulb. Drizzle ½ table spoon olive oil onto bulb. Place garlic bulb on roasting pan. Roast in oven at 375 degrees for 30 minutes or until garlic starts to bubble. Remove and set aside.

PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY

While chicken marinates in sauce and garlic bulb roasts, dice green onions. Remove chicken with slotted spoon. (This makes spreading the sauce much easier.) Brush crust edge with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Brush sauce evenly sauce over crust except for the edge. Squeeze out the roasted garlic cloves from the garlic bulb. Cut roasted garlic cloves into 3 pieces each. Sprinkle roasted garlic pieces over sauce. Add chicken cubes evenly over pizza. Sprinkle cheese over pizza. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes or until cheese and crust brown. Sprinkle pizza with green onion and sesame seeds.

Serve to adoring quests. Zap unappreciative ones with sonic obliterator

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, food to die for, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sesame and Honey Sticks and a Crossword Puzzle

Malian Dessert

MENI MENIYONG
(sesame and honey sticks)

INGREDIENTSMeniMeniyong-

1 3/4 cups sesame seeds
1 1/4 cups honey
4 tablespoons butter, unsalted
no-stick spray

makes about 40 sticks

SPECIAL UTENSIL

cookie sheet

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Evenly spread sesame seeds on cookie sheet. Toast seeds in oven at 450 degrees for about 10 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Remove seeds and let cool.

Add honey and butter to pan. Simmer on low-medium heat for 5 minutes or until mixture bubbles all over, darkens, and thickens slightly. Stir constantly. Add the toasted sesame seeds to the honey/butter mixture. Stir with spoon until sesame seeds are evenly distributed.

Pour honey/butter/sesame mixture into bowl. Stir again with spoon. Put this bowl in sink filled with enough water to reach half-way up bowl. Let cool until mixture has mostly hardened. Scoop the gooey mass onto the cookie sheet. Spread it out until it is uniformly 1/4″ thick.. Cut mixture into finger-sized sticks. Let cool completely and give finger to everyone. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

TIDBITS

1) Toasting sesame seeds is much easier on a cookie sheet than on a grill.

2) Toasting sesame seeds is quite difficult in outer space where they are weightless.

3) Toasting an elephant in outer space is as difficult as toasting sesame seeds, if not more so.

4) You’d have to find an oven big enough to hold an elephant. Then you’d have to find a cookie sheet large enough for your hapless pachyderm.

5) As of now, NASA has no such ovens and cookie sheets

6) It’s doubtful they’ll be getting them soon. They’re not even in their current budget.

7) MENI MENIYONG CROSSWORD PUZZLE

(Nearly all answers are found in this recipe)

CrosswordPuzzle

ACROSS
2) An anagram for votes
7) Use this contact the Great Beyond
10) Always use the freshest…
11) Open …
13) Give speech while raising glass
14) “… down”
15) Not a dog, but a …”

DOWN
1) A pet name for your sweetheart
3) Healthier than margarine
4) Belongs to the great cook, Julia
5) Always cook until food is… (2 words)
6) The … Monster
8) This cuisine
9) Stressed spelled backwards
12) White as a …

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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More Mostly Highway Culinary Mishaps

Molasses spill in ocean off Honolulu, Hawaii. http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/10/us/hawaii-molasses-spill/

In 2006 truck carrying frozen Steak-umms flipped on Eisenhower Blvd. in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Massive Lego Spill closes West Virginia highway,  

Bee spill in Georgia covers road with honey;  closes highway.

Ketchup spill closes freeway in Reno, Nevada.

Soup spill closes freeway ramp in Racine, Wisconsin.

Tomato spill near Campbell’s soup factory causes road to be covered in tomato-slurry.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Peanut-Butter Ham

American Entree

PEANUT-BUTTER HAM

INGREDIENTSPeanutButterHam-

2 cloves garlic
1 small onion
1/4 cup honey
1 cup smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon ground mustard
3/4 teaspoon orange zest
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon soy sauce
4 1″-thick ham slices (about 1 1/2 pounds)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

2 9″x9″ casserole dishes

PREPARATION

Mince garlic and onion. Add garlic, onion, honey, peanut butter, brown sugar, mustard, orange zest, pepper, and soy sauce to blender. Blend using liquefy or puree setting. Cut each ham slice into 4 pieces. Add peanut butter/honey mixture and ham pieces to casserole dishes. Thoroughly coat ham pieces in peanut butter/honey mixture. Marinate in refrigerator for 4 hours.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 350 for 30-to-40 minutes or until ham is hot all the way through.

TIDBITS

1) Chef Paul gives Jones Soda his coveted “Best Tasting Ham-Flavored Soda Award” for its 2007 Christmas edition of ham-flavored soda. While not needed to win the award, the soda company went the extra mile and made this beverage kosher and caffeine free. Well done.

2) Indeed, 2007 Jones Soda displayed great culinary creativity. Its attention-grabbing Christmas pack included Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham flavors. Its Hanukkah selection gave us Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.

3) In 2006, Jones Soda rolled out: Dinner Roll, Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas for the holiday season. Clearly, this company can’t be ignored by soda connoisseurs.

4) “I have not yet begun to fight.” – John Paul Jones, September 23, 1779, naval battle of Flamborough Head. It is doubtful that the illustrious commander drank sodas during the battle.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dijon Mustard

French Appetizer

DIJON MUSTARD

INGREDIENTSDijonMustard-

1/2 medium yellow onion
2 cloves garlic
1 cup dry white wine
1/2 cup mustard, dry
1 1/2 tablespoons honey
1/2 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSILS

colander
airtight jar

PREPARATION

Mince the onion and garlic. Put wine, onion, garlic in pot. Cook at high heat until wine boils. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally. Pour mixture through colander into mixing bowl. Let liquid cool.

Add mustard to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until mixture is smooth. Add wine/garlic/mustard, honey, vegetable, and salt to pot Simmer for about 10 minutes or until liquid thickens. (Don’t look down too long at pot. The vapor will make your eyes sting.) Let cool. Pour into airtight jar. Keep refrigerated. The Dijon mustard will get slightly milder over the next 5 days.

TIDBITS

1) Ancient doctors used mustard to cure toothaches, epilepsy, and PMS, increase blood circulation, clear sinuses, and stimulate appetite. It had indifferent success in curing death as shown by the mustard found in King Tut’s tomb. Listen to the comedian Steve Martin & the Toot Uncommons sing the praises of King Tut.

2) Many cultures scatter mustard seeds around the home to repel evil spirits. Bear traps are a good way to tackle bad spirits taking on animal form. Leaving lutefisk outside your door wards off all spirits ethereal or corporal, including mimes selling aluminum siding door to door.

3) Indeed, people in medieval Paris could buy mustard by the wheelbarrow. This facts suggests lots of door-to-door mimes ran around back then. On the other hand, there is scant evidence of 13th-century Parisian homes, stone, wood, or otherwise, being adorned with aluminum siding.

4) Canada is the largest producer of mustard. There aren’t many evil spirits in Canada. See?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Powegian Smoothie

American Dessert

POWEGIAN SMOOTHIE

INGREDIENTSPowSmoo-

2 cups plain yogurt
1 cup milk
1 cup mixed berries (strawberries, blackberries, blueberries and raspberries)
1 tablespoon honey
1/4 cup sugar

SPECIALTY APPLIANCE

blender

PREPARATION

Put yogurt, milk, mixed berries, honey, and sugar in blender. (Milk will always refer to cow’s milk. If I mean another sort of milk, such as goat’s milk, or yak’s milk, I will specify it. I hope I never come across a recipe that uses yak’s milk, because I don’t know where to find it either.) Blend at “milkshake” setting for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly blended. Woo hoo, tasty and simple.
TIDBITS

1) Yogurt has been around for 4,500 years.

2) However, don’t get yogurt this old. Look at the expiration dates on the yogurt containers.

3) Plain yogurt can be made from any mammal’s milk, including the yak and the camel.

4) A store in Britain is selling ice cream made from human breast milk. Not sure about this.

5) Eating yogurt can reduce bad breath. It still is easier though to pop a mint in your mouth before kissing a date than to run to your car and eat a pint of yogurt.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Banana Peanut-Butter Honey Milkshake

American Dessert

BANANA PEANUT-BUTTER HONEY MILKSHAKE

INGREDIENTSBaPeBuMilk-

3 bananas (best when ripe)
2 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
1/2 tablespoon honey

SPECIAL UTENSIL

blender

PREPARATION

Peel the bananas. Put bananas, milk,  peanut butter, and honey in blender. Use “milkshake” setting. Blend until shake is sufficiently smooth for your taste.

This tasty milkshake is a diet buster.

TIDBITS

1) Bees must visit two-million flowers to make one pound of honey. The average worker bee makes 1/12 teaspoon in her lifetime. Bees need to unionize for better working conditions.

2) A 15,000-year-old cave painting shows a human stealing honey from a hive. Oh sure, the little bee visits fifty-five millions flowers in her lifetime and then it’s gone. Honestly, it’s enough to make a grown bee cry.

3) Can bees cry?

4) Honey bees do have five eyes.

5) This makes their going to the optometrist a major event, especially as their command of even the simplest human languages is rather limited.

6) This linguistic deficiency often leads to tragedy. The optometrist doesn’t understand the bee’s buzzing. The bee interprets this incomprehension as an aggressive act.

7) The enraged bee stings the optometrist. The optometrist’s face swells up. The optometrist goes to the hospital. The bee dies.

8) No specialized glasses get sold. News of this leaks to Wall Street. The stock market plunges. Economies collapse. Money becomes worthless. And have you stocked up on toilet paper?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kelewele (Hot Plantain Chips) From Ghana

Ghanian Entree

KELEWELE
(Hot plantain chips)

INGREDIENTSKelewle-

4 ripe plantains
1 clove garlic
2 teaspoons honey
1 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon fresh ground ginger
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup oil

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric skillet

PREPARATION

Peel plantains. Slice plantains into round slices no wider than 1/4″. Dice garlic. Put round plantain slices, garlic, honey, cayenne, ginger, salt, and oil into mixing bowl. Mix ingredients with hands until spices coat plantain slices.

Put oil in skillet. There should be enough to cover plantain slices. Heat skillet to 350 degrees. Put a tiny bit of plantain in skillet. Oil is hot enough when the plantain bit starts to dance around. Carefully put plantains slices in hot oil. (Getting splattered by hot oil hurts quite a bit. May I suggest using the skillet lid as a shield between yourself and the oil.) To ensure even cooking of the plantains, make sure that none of the plantain slices touch each other. You will most likely need to cook the plantain slices in batches.

Fry each batch at 350 degrees for 3 minutes. Turn the slices over and fry for 3 minutes more. Remove slices with spoon with holes in it. Put slices in bowl. Remove remaining oil with paper towel. Repeat for each batch.

Serve hot to hungry quests.

TIDBITS

1) A search of fun facts about Ghana reveals that its currency is the Cedi. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve enlivened a party by relating that gem. Well yes, I can.

2) The plantains is not a happening fruit, not like its exciting cousin, the banana. For example, did you know the plantains is part of the genus Musa in the Musacaea family of flowering plants? Now hold on to something sturdy before reading further. Alhough plantains grow as tall as trees, they’re only gigantic herbs because they have succulent stems instead of trunks. I’d go on but my heart is already racing like a jackrabbit.

4) Even though the plantain looks a lot like a banana, people never think of the sexual implications of eating or dreaming a plantain.

5) But it could have been different if the great psychiatrist Sigmund Freud had ever traveled to Ghana. Then he would have said, “Sometimes a plantain is just a plantain.”

6) But as any historian will say, you can only rewrite history so far. The superior slipping properties of the banana over the plantain ensued the complete dominance of the banana in silent films and in early talking motion pictures. We saw bananas. We ate bananas.

7) It’s the same thing with tuna and lutefisk. People eat tuna over lutefisk because we only see tuna being eaten on television and in movies, never lutefisk.

8) Okay, we also never eat lutefisk because it looks bad, tastes bad and smells. Indeed, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to learn that many secret governmental agencies around the world employ lutefisk as an enhanced interrogation technique.

9) Have a plantain instead.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chinese Lemon Chicken

Chinese Entree

LEMON CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cups rice
3 cups water

MARINADE
2 1/2 pounds chicken breasts
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice (1 teaspoon total, with 1/4 tsp. for batter, and tsp. 1/4 for sauce.)

BATTER
3 eggs
1/3 cup cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice (1 teaspoon total, with 1/2 tsp. for marinade, and 1/4 tsp. for sauce.)

vegetable oil for frying

SAUCE
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 1/4 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup lemon juice
1 1/2 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/4 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice (1 teaspoon total, with 1/2 tsp. for marinade, and 1/4 tsp. for batter.)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on accompanying bag. This should take about 30 minutes.

Cut chicken breasts into 1-inch cubes. This cutting is easiest when the chicken is partially thawed. Use a large bowl to coat all sides of the chicken cubes with soy sauce and poultry spice. Put this bowl in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes.

While chickens marinates or rice cooks, use whisk or fork to thoroughly mix eggs with cornstarch, baking powder, and poultry spice. Coat the chicken cubes with this batter.

Put brown sugar, chicken broth, lemon juice, honey, ginger, and poultry spice in bowl. Mix this sauce thoroughly with whisk, fork, or briefly in a particle accelerator.

Heat skillet to 350 degrees. Put chicken in skillet along with excess batter. Don’t stack chicken cubes; cook another batch instead. Cook until the chicken is done; it should be firm and white, not purplish and translucent. Remove cooked chicken cubes and place them on paper towels to remove grease.

Heat 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in sauce pan and mix in the sauce. Stir frequently and cook on medium heat until sauce becomes clear.

Put rice in bowls. Top rice with lemon chicken and sauce and serve.

TIDBITS

1) I have a lemon tree growing in my back yard as well as an orange tree.

2) We had a loquat bush and a guava bush when I was growing up.

3) Lemons grow in California, Italy, Portugal, and Spain.

4) Christopher Columbus discovered the New World in 1492. He hailed from Italy and sailed for Spain. Spain and Portugal were responsible for most of the world’s discoveries in the 16th century.

5) America was really first discovered by intrepid people crossing the land bridge from Asia to Alaska. They did not eat lemons.

6) Neither did the Vikings who discovered America about a thousand years ago.

7) My goodness, America got discovered a lot.

8) People during the Middle Ages served fish with lemon slices. They thought the lemon’s acid would dissolve any fish bones they accidentally swallowed.

9) Lemon juice slows the browning of sliced apples.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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