Elephant Marathons on ESPN8

We’re just five months away from the start of the First Elephant Marathon on ESPN8. And it’s going to be televised on ESPN8(tm)!

“We couldn’t be prouder,” said gamekeeper Absko Otieno of the Reteti Elephant Sanctuary. “We take in injured elephants and try to rehabilitate them. To that end, we constantly take them out for exercise. Got to build up their muscles and endurance, you know.

“At first, we could only get them to walk for a mile at most. A few months later, we stretched their walks to two miles. But you know, a healthy elephant needs to do much more. But we just couldn’t coax them into doing that. What to do?

“Then thank goodness, just as we going to give up again after just two miles, a peanut truck came by. You know, just like an ice cream truck but with peanuts. So this peanut truck came by playing Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.” And you know, just as peanuts are the elephants’ favorite food, “Ride of the Valkyries” is their favorite music. Elephants can’t get enough of Wagner.

“Anyway, all the elephants turned around and ran after the peanut truck. For 26 miles, a marathon! We paid the peanut-truck driver to drive 26 miles around the sanctuary every week. At first, maybe a dozen people showed up to watch. Then a hundred. Then hundreds. Then thousands and tens of thousands. This country went elephant-racing mad.

“Soon wildlife tours made stops to see our elephants race. One of them worked for ESPN. He bought the rights to the elephant marathon. There you go, and oh, don’t try this at home. Hope to see you at our marathon!”

Ellie the Elephant practicing for the marathon.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.