cuisine

Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies

American Dessert

GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

INGREDIENTS

1¼ teaspoon baking soda
2¼ cups gluten free flour*
¾ teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup sugar
2 eggs
1½ teaspoons vanilla
12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips

* = I used King Arthur Gluten-Free Measure For Measure Flour.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
2 cookie sheets

Makes 50 cookies. Takes 1 hour. (Varies with the number of batches.)

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add baking soda, flour, and salt to 1st, large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until thoroughly blended. Add butter, brown sugar, sugar, eggs, and vanilla to 2nd, larger mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium until mixture becomes fluffy. Gradually add dry mixture from 1st mixing bowl to the butter/sugar mixture in 2nd mixing bowl. Mix with beater at medium setting until thoroughly mixed. Fold in chocolate chips. Mix with hands until well blended.

Roll dough into little balls about 1″ wide. Leave a 1″ gap between chocolate chip/dough balls. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 minutes or until golden brown. (Baking times for successive batches may vary.) Let cookies cool for 2 minutes before transferring with a spatula to wire rack or cold plate. Cool for an additional 5-to-20 minutes or as long as you can stand waiting.

TIDBITS

1) Culinary archaeologists hold Lucy of Olduvai Gorge baked the first cookies 3.2 million years ago. Lucy cookies inspired her hominid neighbors to evolve into humans and to develop agriculture. Farming freed people from non-stop hunting and gathering. This left time for adults to get frisky. Frisky adults sparked a population explosion that ate up all the wheat. Whole tribes left Africa searching for new lands suitable for wheat and gluten-free substitutes. Humanity’s ascent had begun.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Toasted Rice-and-Bean Burrito

Mexican Entree

TOASTED RICE-AND-BEAN BURRITO

INGREDIENTS

¼ medium onion
½ red bell pepper
1 avocado
¾ cup rice
1½ cups water
1 15-ounce cans pinto beans with jalapeno peppers
1 7-ounce can diced tomatoes
2 ounces Cotija cheese
¼ cup sour cream
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon onion powder
½ cup grated Four Mexican Cheeses
8 medium flour tortillas
8 teaspoons Parmesan cheese
4 slices Swiss cheese

 

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Dice onion and bell pepper. Peel avocado, remove pit, and slice the good part into thin slices. Cut each Swiss cheese slice into 3 strips.

Cook the rice according to instructions shown on bag. (Unless, of course the instructions are in a foreign language. In this horrible case, take the appropriate intensive three-minute foreign language course.) If you are fortunate to own a rice maker, follow its instructions. (If you don’t own a rice maker, ask for one for Christmas. Make gentle hints as well for a gun to protect the first gift from increasingly desperate gangs of rice-maker thieves.)

While rice is cooking, drain water from pinto beans and diced tomatoes. Add onion, bell pepper, pinto beans, diced tomatoes, Mexican cheeses, Cotija cheese, sour cream, cumin, and onion powder to large frying pan. Cook on low-to-medium heat. Stir occasionally. (Unless, of course you are a hibernating polar bear, then just chill.)

When rice is ready, add it to frying pan. Stir. Put about 4 tablespoons of frying-pan mixture in lower-center part of tortilla. Fold edges in and roll up from the bottom. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Put burrito on cookie sheet with folded side down. Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on top of burrito.

Put cookie sheet with burritos on it in pre-heated oven. Bake for 10 minutes, or until tortilla or most of the Parmesan cheese is turning golden brown.

Remove cookie sheet from oven and cover the top of each burrito with thin avocado slices. Add a half slice of Swiss cheese on top of each burrito. Bake for 2 minutes or until the Swiss cheese turns brown or begins to melt.

TIDBITS

1) Avocado comes from a Native American word meaning “testicle.” Apparently, they thought avocados looked liked that. My Gosh, these early Americans must really have bulged in their loincloths.

2) Rocky Mountain Oysters are beef testicles. Yuck. Who would eat them? Deliberately?

3) Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company is, not surprisingly, famous for its chocolate.

4) Chocolate has been confirmed to have a slight–-slight means slight, guys-–effect on women. This is why, over the decades, men have given women chocolate when going on dates.

5) And if the woman refuses the chocolate, it wasn’t meant to be and the man has something to eat.

6) But, at least, the man has much higher chance of success with his date if he offers chocolate instead of Rocky Mountain Oysters.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Swiss Steak

American Entree

SWISS STEAK

INGREDIENTS

1 garlic clove
½ green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 large onion
1 pound round or cube steak
½ cup flour
½ teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
½ teaspoon oregano
½ teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup vegetable oil
½ tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
3/4 cup beef broth
1 14.5 cans diced tomato
½ tablespoon tomato paste

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Meat tenderizer or mallet
Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

Mince garlic. Take out the innards of the green and red bell peppers. Slice bell peppers and onion into rings.

Take your meat mallet, unleash your anger, and tenderize the steak until it is ¼-inch thick. (Show this to your daughter’s date when you tell him to have her back by ten.)

Mix flour, Meat MagicTM spice, oregano, paprika, pepper, and salt in large bowl with fork or whisk. Take steak and turn it over in the bowl until it is thoroughly covered on both sides with flour. Set aside. Repeat for more than one round or cube steak.

Pour ¼ cup vegetable oil into Dutch oven. Cook at medium-high heat. Once oil starts to show currents or bubble, reduce to medium heat and add a steak. May I suggest using a spatula or tongs, so that your hand is far away from the hot oil? Or holding the lid in your other hand? (Don’t want the kids to learn new words.)

Cook the steak for 2 minutes on each side or until the sides are golden brown. Remove the steak and repeat until all steaks are cooked.

Using the same Dutch oven combine onion, bell peppers, and garlic. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Stir in diced tomatoes, tomato paste, Worcestershire sauce, and beef broth. Add tenderized steak(s).

Cover Dutch oven and put in middle rack of oven. Bake at 325 degrees for 90 minutes to 2 hours or until meat is tender or is falling apart. (Falling apart is not necessarily an allusion to the author.)

TIDBITS

1) Swiss steak does not come from Switzerland anymore than does Enchiladas Suiza.

2) Instead, it is the name of the method for pounding meat or running it through rollers to soften it.

3) Swiss steak is not as popular as it used to be as people became more able to buy better cuts of meat, had less time for cooking, or became vegetarians.

4) All supermarkets have sections full of expensive meat substitutes ranging in quality from “Not bad, tasting like meat,” to “Ugh, I didn’t know soap could be made edible.”

5) Fortunately, chocolate makes meat eaters and vegetarians alike happy.

6) Which is why Switzerland remained at peace during both World Wars. Whenever armies sidled up to the Swiss borders, the Swiss would give their would-be foes bars upon bars of the finest Swiss chocolate and the warriors would go away happy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Southwest Stuffed Bell Peppers

American Entree

SOUTHWEST STUFFED BELL PEPPERS

INGREDIENTS

1 green chile
5 green bell peppers
½ red onion
2 garlic cloves
1 cup pepper jack cheese
2 ounces Cotija cheese
1 pound ground turkey
1 7-ounce can diced tomatoes (1 can more later)
4 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon oregano
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
3/4 cup water
4 tablespoons sour cream
2 stalks green onion
1 7-ounce can diced tomatoes
¾ cup water

Serves 5. Takes 55 minutes.

PREPARATION

Remove seeds from green chile. Cut bell peppers in half lengthwise. Remove stem, white innards, and seed from green bell peppers. Dice green chile, red onion, garlic cloves, and green onion. Grate or shred pepper jack cheese and Cotija cheese.

In a large frying pan or skillet, cook the turkey, green chile, red onion, and garlic over medium-high heat until meat is no longer pink. Stir occasionally.

Add 7-ounce can diced tomatoes, chili powder, corn starch, cumin, oregano, cayenne, green onion, and 3/4 cup water. Bring to boil then reduce heat. Simmer uncovered for about 15 minutes. (No, this does not mean to get angry and cook in the nude. Sauces can splatter.)

Place bell-pepper halves in a microwavable dish. (You’ll need a 3-to-4 quart dish if you want to use just one.) Add 3/4 cup water to dish. Cover and microwave on high for 7 to 8 minutes. (Microwaves vary in strength, so in general it’s best to heat for a short time, check the food and, if necessary, microwave some more.)

Pour any water out of the bell peppers. Fill each bell-pepper half to the top with ground-beef mixture. Put an equal amount of sour cream, 7-ounce can diced tomatoes, and cheese on the bell peppers.

Serve to adoring guests.

TIDBITS

1) Bell peppers have recessive genes that prevent them from having capsaicin, the stuff that makes other peppers hot.

2) Red bell peppers are important in Portuguese cuisine.

3) In 1801 my great-great-great-grandfather Napoleon I directed an invasion of Portugal by French and Spanish troops.

4) In 1808, Napoleon I invaded Portugal again. Say what you will about his megalomania and the countless deaths he caused, he did possess an admirable work ethic.

5) Oh, and he invaded Spain as well in 1808, unleashing more bloody, unrestrained guerrilla warfare.

6) Strange to say, most Napoleonic historians fail utterly to mention how six years of conflict in that region affected red-bell-pepper production in Portugal.

7) It seems likely, though, that red-pepper planting and harvesting fell precipitously in previously culinarily happy Portugal.

8) One’s mind recoils at the thought of wary-weary Portuguese reduced to eating beef-and-red pepper sandwiches without red peppers.

9) Bad French emperor, no éclaire.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Spicy Italian Sausage

Italian Entree

SPICY ITALIAN SAUSAGE

INGREDIENTS

1 medium white onion
2 large garlic cloves
6 mild Italian sausages
water enough to mostly cover sausages
1 cup olive oil
1½ tablespoons oregano
6 slices sourdough bread

Serves 6.

PREPARATION

It really is a good idea to thoroughly defrost the sausages. If not, you will have a tough time judging when they are cooked through. Frozen sausages cook quickly on the outside while still remaining cold, if not frozen, on the inside. You’ll either burn the outside before the inside is done or spend a lot of time at a low-to-medium temperature to cook it evenly. (And what if your guests are ravenous vampires? You don’t want to keep them waiting.)

Be sure to jab each sausage with a fork before cooking. Hot grease builds up inside the sausage if it doesn’t have an escape route. Jabbing a cooked sausage with a fork can result in a jet of hot grease heading toward you. Owie!

Mince onion and garlic cloves. Put sausages in a saucepan. Pour water on them until they are nearly covered. Pour in olive oil. Add garlic, minced onion, and oregano. Bring water to a boil. Reduce heat to a warm and simmer for 30 minutes.

Toast the sourdough bread while the sausages simmer. Sourdough bread goes great with Italian sausage. Put the sausage in the bread. Serve it like you would a hot dog. Spoon some of the olive oil/water mix along with some of the onion and garlic. Let the oil seep into the bread. Add a little of the liquid at a time to the toasted bread so that it doesn’t soak all the way through.

Wouldn’t buying spicy Italian sausage be easier than this? Yes, of course it would, but good cooks will want to have their blend of spices accenting the sausage rather than someone else’s. Also, pre-spiced sausages can never taste better than those with fresh onion marinated in olive oil.

TIDBITS

1) Sausages and legislation are the two things you should never see being made, only the final product. The Swedes like to mix in potatoes with meat to make their sausages. The Swedish word for sausage is korv.

2) I’ve never seen a sausage explode, but I’d bet it would be spectacular, if not dangerous. A frozen sausage makes a better hand-to-hand weapon than a defrosted one.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Vanilla Pudding 2

American Dessert

VANILLA PUDDING

INGREDIENTS

2 egg yolks
3 tablespoons cornstarch
⅛ teaspoon salt
½ cup sugar
2⅓ cups whole milk
1½ tablespoons butter, softened
½ tablespoon vanilla extract

SPECIAL UTENSILS

4 dessert dishes or ramekins
plastic wrap

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Beat egg yolks in mixing bowl. Add cornstarch, salt, and sugar to saucepan. Mix with spatula. Add whole milk slowly, while stirring gently with spatula. Cook using medium heat until mixture boils and thickens. Stir constantly to prevent burning. Boil for 1 minute, stirring constantly.

Add ½ of the cornstarch/sugar/whole milk mixture to egg yolks. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add this mixture to saucepan. Bring to boil using medium heat. Boil for 1 minute. Stir constantly and gently.

Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. Stir gently until well blended. Pour pudding into dessert dishes. Cover with plastic wrap. Chill in refrigerator for 1 hour mixture firms into pudding.

TIDBITS

1) Stars are made from vanilla pudding. How do we know this? Stars are white. So is vanilla pudding white. The Sun is hot. That is because it’s yellow and not made from vanilla pudding.

2) If you were somehow able to catapult your vanilla pudding millions of light years away it would be far too small to be seen, even by the Hubble telescope. Indeed, you would need to buy trillions of pounds of: cornstarch, salt, sugar, milk, butter, and vanilla extract to fling a visible vanilla-pudding star into the far reaches of space. But don’t do it. Every van in the world would be needed to deliver your ingredients. The global economy would collapse. Oh my gosh, we’d have nothing left to make cake! For millions of years! What would we do for birthdays? I beg of you, reconsider this giant-star project!

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Slow French Dip Sandwiches

American Entree

SLOW FRENCH DIP SANDWICHES

INGREDIENTS

2 ½ pounds beef loin top sirloin
1½ pounds beef sirloin tip
1 10.5 ounce can condensed French onion soup
1 cup beef stock or broth
½ cup water
8 peppercorns
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon thyme
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon beef base or 1 beef bouillon cube
½ teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
¼ teaspoon black pepper
10 slices provolone cheese or about 10 ounces
5 French rolls

SPECIALTY UTENSIL

3 quart, or larger, slow cooker.

PREPARATION

Cut the top sirloin and the sirloin tip enough so that it will fit inside your slow cooker and be covered with the liquid you will add later. Dice garlic cloves.

In fact, here comes the liquid now. Pour French onion soup, beef stock, and water into slow cooker. And now for addition. Add peppercorns, bay leaf, rosemary, thyme, garlic, beef base, sea salt, meat spice, and pepper. And wait.

And wait. Oh and the turn the cooker on low for 6-to-8 hours. (Egads, you’ll have time to collect all receipts that you’ve stashed all around the house in preparation for tax time. Then you forgot where you put them. Now you have time to find them. Go! Go! Look for those receipts. I’m with you on this one.)

It really pays to get an early start on this one, especially if you are using your cooker for the first time. Many but not all slow cookers will get the job done on low in 6-to-8 hours. (My crock pot however needs to be set on high to cook anything in less time than it takes a city to repair a major street.)

Use spoon with holes in it to remove beef from cooker to serving bowl. Open French rolls. Put a slice of provolone cheese on each half. Use spoon with holes in it to put a generous portion of beef on the roll. Spoon juice remaining in cooker onto open sandwich. Close sandwich. Spoon more juice onto closed French roll. Eat. Dream of Heaven.

TIDBITS

1) The sandwich was invented in 1762 when the Earl of Sandwich was too busy to leave the gambling table to eat. Instead, he had a waiter bring him roast beef between two pieces of bread.

2) See, gambling has been good for society.

3) Indeed, many people believe professional sports came into being because gamblers hired players to be on the team they were backing with their bets.

4) The Earl asked for slices of bread to keep the grease from the roast beef from marking the playing cards.

5) While the Earl earns a spot in any culinary hall of fame, he was indeed a flawed man: opinionated, drunken, corrupt, incompetent, a sex fiend, a Satan worshiper, and all that.

6) There is no word, however, if he over spiced.

7) But he did weaken the Royal Navy to such an extent that the French Fleet beat it in 1781, ensuring America’s victory in the American Revolution.

8) A lot to think about when you bite into your next sandwich.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Powegian Vacation Potato

American Entree

POWEGIAN VACATION POTATO

INGREDIENTS

4 russet potatoes
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 garlic cloves
1 stalk green onion
½ small yellow onion
2 ounces diced green chiles
2 eggs
¼ cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
4 deli slices ham
4 deli slices turkey

PREPARATION

Wash potatoes. Bake potatoes at 425 degrees for about 50 to 60 minutes or according to instructions shown on bag.

While the potatoes are baking, put olive oil in frying pan. Mince garlic, yellow onion, and green onion. Put garlic, yellow onion, and green onion in frying pan. Sauté at medium high for about 3 minutes or until yellow onion is tender.

Also while potatoes are baking, boil eggs for 12 minutes. (Roger Bannister was the first man to run the mile in under four minutes with a time of 3:59.4. It is thus really cool to think how he could have left his kitchen, run the mile three times, and come back in time with 1.8 seconds to spare.) Cool eggs, peel off the shell, and mince the eggs.

Cut baked potatoes in two lengthwise. Put an equal amount of the sautéed mixture and the minced eggs on each potato half. Add half a ham slice and half a turkey slice to each potato half. Top each potato half with an equal amount of the grated cheese.

Put 8 fully assembled potato halves in the microwave for about 2 minutes or until cheese is completely melted.

TIDBITS

1) The Powegian Vacation Potato has a long tradition.

2) Where “long” is an hour. I was going on vacation and using up perishable ingredients.

3) My wife kept asking when it would be done. I had to say I didn’t know; it was a new recipe.

4) Everything is all right now. The dish came out well and I’m listening to my neighbor’s garage band. They’re quite good.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Powegian Salisbury Steak

American Entree

POWEGIAN SALISBURY STEAK

INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
2 stalks green onion
3/4 pound ground turkey
¼ pound ground beef
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
½ teaspoon onion powder
½ teaspoon sage
½ teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon thyme
½ teaspoon coriander
7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 cup water
1 package, or cube, beef bouillon

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves and green onion. Puree diced tomatoes.

Mix ground turkey, ground beef, garlic, green onion, cider vinegar, meat spice, onion powder, sage, basil, thyme, and coriander. Make 4 patties. Fry patties in frying pan on medium-high head. Do this for about three minutes on each side or until meat is no longer pink. Remove patties. (Take time to think clearly on economic issues.)

Add pureed tomatoes, water, and beef bouillon to the pan. Cook on medium heat and blend until bouillon is completely dissolved and mixture is thoroughly blended.

Return the patties to the pan. Spoon sauce over the patties and let the patties and sauce simmer for 5-to-10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) The 19th century Dr. Salisbury inspired the creation of the Salisbury steak. This fascinating man believed people should eat hamburgers three times a day followed by a cup of hot water.

2) He also believed all food should be thoroughly shredded. The good doctor would have fallen in love with the CuisinartTM food processor I bought yesterday.

3) If I only had a time machine, I surely would go back in time and buy him his very own food processor. Because I’m not giving up my processor, even to a culinary hero.

4) Salisbury Steaks first became popular during the First World War since we were fighting the Germans and hamburgers were created in Hamburg, Germany. So hamburgers became unpatriotic for the duration of the war. War is all hell.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pow Mex Chicken Noodle Soup

Mexican Soup

POW MEX CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

2 10.75 cans of condensed chicken noodle soup
¼ cup crumbled Cotija cheese
4 turkey dogs
3½ ounces diced green chiles
⅓ cup grated Four Mexican cheeses

PREPARATION

Pour the condensed chicken-noodle soup into a saucepan. Fill the soup cans with any water. (You may use Norwegian glacier water if you feel the need to impress gourmet friends.) Pour the water into the pan.

Don’t read this sentence.

Cut turkey dogs into ½” slices. Add hot-dog slices, Cotija cheese, green chiles and Four Mexican cheeses. Heat to boiling and serve. Stir frequently to keep the cheese from burning on the bottom.

This is a family favorite and also death to nasty cold bugs lurking in your throat or sinus.

TIDBITS

1) “Pow-Mex” is a fusion between Powegian food and Mexican.

2) Poway is the name of my fair city.

3) At one time Mexico owned the land on which Poway stands.

4) Green chiles spice up and spiff up any food.

5) Poway has its own train park complete with a 1903 Baldwin steam engine.

6) How many of us survived on condensed soups in college?

7) Poway has two live theaters and one bowling alley. It also boasts a low crime rate and a superb school system. I don’t know if that is a coincidence.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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