Posts Tagged With: Wisconsin

The New Global Threat

Posted on May 28, 2014 by pauldelancey

The stability of the entire world is threatened by an emerging superpower, Papua New Guinea.PapuaNewGuinea1

Hah, you say. Where is Papua New Guinea? North of Australia. What does it produce? Rain, mud, and documentaries about newly discovered stone-age tribes within its borders.

What could such a country do? Buy a lot of SPAM or … conquer the Pacific Ocean.

How? I’m glad you asked. Everyone knows the best mud for beauty care comes from Papua New Guinea, or PNG. The demand for this mud in American and European spas grows fantastically every year. Soon, PNG will be awash with the world’s money. PNG can then allocate its new billions to buy used aircraft carriers, fighter planes, bombers, tanks, and landing craft listed irresponsibly on eBay.

This is where the nightmare starts PNG has a population of 4,600,000. (I counted them twice.) Even if it puts just 10% of its people in the military, it will have a striking force of 460,000. Who has the population, the might to stop them? Not neighboring Nauru with its tiny population of 11,000 and maybe soldiers.

Emboldened by this easy conquest, Tuvalu, Palau, Marshall Islands, Kiribati, and Tonga, with their combined population of 260,000 will fall like leaves in a Wisconsin autumn. This disaster will have worldwide ramifications. Does anyone doubt the Palauan contingent keeping the peace in South Ruritania will remain under such dire circumstances? No, they will go home to fight a war of liberation. The whole idea of UN peace-keeping forces will unravel. Minor skirmishes will become full fledged regional wars. So it goes.

Soon, Micronesia and Vanuatu will topple. I don’t know much about them so let’s move onto the Solomon Islands and Fiji–biggish but still smaller than PNG. We cannot let these two nations fall. We cannot let PNG monopolize the best snorkeling sites in the world. Have you snorkeled at Key Largo? Well, let me tell you, the snorkeling at Fiji is much better. And by the way, conquest of these countries would enable PNG to block all airborne and seaborne trade across the Pacific. The snorkeling industry and the world economy would collapse.

What can Americans do? Simple. Cut off the funds for PNG’s drive for conquest. Whenever getting a mud treatment at your local spa, be sure to ask for good ol’ American mud. It’s good for your face. It’s good for world peace.

– Correspondent Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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More Mostly Highway Culinary Mishaps

Posted on December 4, 2013 by pauldelancey

Molasses spill in ocean off Honolulu, Hawaii. http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/10/us/hawaii-molasses-spill/

In 2006 truck carrying frozen Steak-umms flipped on Eisenhower Blvd. in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Massive Lego Spill closes West Virginia highway,  

Bee spill in Georgia covers road with honey;  closes highway.

Ketchup spill closes freeway in Reno, Nevada.

Soup spill closes freeway ramp in Racine, Wisconsin.

Tomato spill near Campbell’s soup factory causes road to be covered in tomato-slurry.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bosna (Austrian Sandwich)

Posted on November 20, 2013 by pauldelancey

Austrian Entree

BOSNA

INGREDIENTSBosna-

12 bratwursts
6 wide rolls
½ yellow onion
1 tablespoon curry
3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
3 tablespoons ketchup

PREPARATION

Grill bratwursts at low heat for about 5-to-10 minutes or until they start to brown. Turn once. Toast rolls in toaster or panini grill. Slice onion into rings. Place onion rings and sprinkle curry evenly over bottom halves of rolls. Spread mustard and ketchup evenly on top halves of rolls. Assemble roll bottom, 2 bratwursts, and roll top for each sandwich.

TIDBITS

1) For those people who always complain that family vacations are boring, that trips to the Grand Canyon are so old school, may I suggest an exciting tour based on the ingredients of this recipe?

The National Mustard Museum in Middleton, Wisconsin. Come visit the alluring world of mustard.

For the world’s best Dijon mustard, go to Dijon, France and take in the Amora Mustard Museum.

1st German Bratwurst Museum in Holzhausen, Germany. Bratwursts were first mentioned in 1404 and in 1432 became one of the first foods to be regulated. Save your money and fly there.

Vidalia Onion Museum in Vidalia, Georgia, where you can you learn the story of this illustrious sweet onion. “Please do not pick the onions.”

Currywurst Museum in Berlin, Germany. Germans love their currywurst. Indeed, Germany is a great place to do a food-museum trek.

National Bread Museum in Seia, Portugal, where you not only get to see the wonders of bread history, but you get to eat bread made at the museum’s fine restaurant. The museum even has a room dedicated to entertaining children. Does this mean food fights for the kids? They didn’t say.

See these museums without delay. The Yokohama Curry Museum closed its doors in 2007. Do you want to go through life regretting not seeing The National Mustard Museum or the National Bread Museum? I think not.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Gyros

Posted on October 9, 2013 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

GREEK GYROS

 INGREDIENTSGyro-

8 Pita breads or Flat beads
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey meat
1/2 tablespoon Prudhomme Poultry MagicTM spice
lettuce
Greek cucumber sauce or tzatziki sauce from previous chapter

PREPARATION

Mix poultry spice with turkey meat. Cook meat until browned. You may wish to taste at this point. If under spiced, add more. Heat four pita breads in microwave for a minute.

Put meat in pita. Add lettuce. Spoon a liberal–-if that is a dirty word for you, substitute a generous–-amount of cucumber sauce on top. Enjoy.

Dish works well with chicken noodle soup.

Did you have a Mr. Potato Head when you were a kid? Just asking.

TIDBITS

1) The best Greek restaurant during my grad school days at the University of Wisconsin was Zorba the Greek. They had these giant, about four-feet tall columns of lamb-beef cooking all the time. Juice dripped down the sides and they would carve off succulent strips for your gyro. If you have a huge grill like this and can find gigantic columns of Greek meat, go for it!

2) The Greeks decisively defeated the Persian invaders at the battle of Plataea in 479 B.C. This battle saved Western philosophy, sense of the individual, and its nascent democratic ideals. It is comforting to think that this very recipe gave the Greek hoplites the courage to rout forever the Persian spearmen.

3) Ancient Greeks enjoyed food to go.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Cheese-Egg Salad

Posted on January 18, 2013 by pauldelancey

American Entree

CHEESE-EGG SALAD

INGREDIENTSChEgSal-

1 head iceberg lettuce
4 hard-boiled eggs
1 1/2 cups Four Mexican cheeses
1 cup ranch dressing

PREPARATION

Wash the head of lettuce. Peel off any wilted leaves.

Chop up the head of lettuce. (Can you “chop down” a head of lettuce?) This is one of the few times where chopping by hand is far preferred to a food processor. A salad shouldn’t have minuscule strips of lettuce.

Mash or dice the peeled hard-boiled eggs. Again, go for medium size bits. Add the egg bits to the lettuce while they are still warm. Mix in the cheese and dressing.

Simple and tasty.

TIDBITS

1) People from Wisconsin are called “cheese heads.”

2) Nowhere are folks known as “egg-salad heads.”

3) I used to bicycle from Madison, Wisconsin to the tiny town of Paoli to get fresh Swiss cheese.

4) Oh, and I bicycled back, too.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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A Query-Letter Failure October 28, 1994

Posted on November 30, 2012 by pauldelancey

A Query-Letter Failure

October 28, 1994

Mr. Amos Keeto, Editor
Illinois Bankers Association
1313 Mockingbird Lane
Chicago, IL 60606

Dear Mr. Keeto,

For too long the world of fiction has ignored the rich vein of humor to be found in bankers and their mutual funds.

My fictional play, “Let’s Visit Mr. Banker,” illustrates the single-minded advice of a banker who sells mutual funds. For example, if customers ask him about interest rates rising, he advises why they should sell. Similarly, if people question him about interest rates falling, he explains why they should again sell.

I earned a Ph.D. in International Finance from the University of Wisconsin. I base this fiction on my experience with financial experts, especially with those on television.

Please note that there is no need to return the manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Paul R. De Lancey

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Creamy-Zucchini Pita From Forthcoming Cookbook

Posted on July 25, 2012 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

CREAMY-ZUCCHINI PITA

INGREDIENTS

1 huge zucchini
3 teaspoons olive oil
3 medium garlic cloves
1 teaspoon Vegetable MagicTM spice
1/2 teaspoon oregano
3 tablespoons plain nonfat yogurt
2 pita loaves
PREPARATION

Peel off the zucchini’s skin. It won’t feel a thing. Mince the zucchini in a food processor. Mince the garlic cloves as well.

Mix the zucchini, garlic, vegetable spice, and oregano. Heat the oil in a skillet at 350 degrees. Saute the zucchini mix. Cook for 7 to 8 minutes, stirring frequently, or until the zucchini is tender and green.

Put zucchini mix in a large bowl. Add in yogurt and stir. Break two pita loaves into two halves. Warm the pita halves. Put about 1/4 of the mix into each pita half.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe calls for one huge zucchini because a neighbor gave my wife a huge zucchini. (Oh behave! The neighbor was female and a “huge zucchini” is not a euphemism.) This sort of thing happens in California. In Wisconsin, I got tomatoes. Or we went out for a beer.

2) Synonyms for “creamy” are “curdled,” “coagulated,” and “grumous.” But I doubt many people would try “Coagulated Zucchini Pita.”

3) Cook at 350 degrees whenever you are not told the cooking temperature.

4) Yogurt is prepared by the fermentation of milk with added bacteria.

5) I once ordered milk in an Andorran village café. The waitress immediately came back with a big container of sugar. Uh oh. She later returned with a glass of the sourest milk that ever assaulted my taste buds. Lemons had nothing on this beverage. A half cup of sugar didn’t even help. I am a sadder but wiser man for this experience.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Dolmathes

Posted on July 1, 2012 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

DOLMATHES
(stuffed grape leaves)

INGREDIENTSDolmath-

100 grape leaves
4 tablespoons butter
1 1/2 medium onions
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey
3/4 cups uncooked rice
1 teaspoon parsley
1/2 tablespoon Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM spice
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon Mediterranean rice seasoning
1 1/4 cups water
1/4 cup tomato sauce
1 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice

SPECIAL HELP

Your kids, relatives, neighbors, and anyone else who comes within your gravitational field.

PREPARATION

Pick 100 grape leaves. Remove stems. This is a great task for the kids. If you don’t have grapes growing on the side of the hill in your front yard, they can be found at the Greek section of your supermarket.

Dice onion. Saute onion in butter until tender and golden. Pour mix into big bowl. Let it cool for at least five minutes. Your fingers will thank you. Add turkey, rice, parsley, poultry spice, coriander, pepper, rice seasoning, water, tomato sauce, and lemon juice. Whew. Mix thoroughly.

(Memorize the following phrases to sound like a great chef: heat over to 350 degrees, cook to golden brown, use a big pot, mix thoroughly, and stir occasionally.)

Put all the grape leaves in a big pot. (See? Sounds culinary, doesn’t it?) Cover the leaves with water. Cook on medium-high heat until all the leaves turn from a bright green to an olive green. This is called blanching.

Pour out all the water. (Try pouring it on that pan you used to fry eggs. That hot water will loosen the egg bits from the pan right quick.)

Put the leaves on a big plate. Take a leaf and put it on a board, or another plate, with the smooth, shiny side face down. Put about a teaspoon of your meat/rice/spice mix in the middle of the leaf. Fold the bottom of the leaf until it just covers the mix. Fold both sides in so they completely cover the mix. Roll up the leaf like a burrito or spring roll, making sure to keep the sides folded in. This step takes the longest.

Put a few leaves on the bottom of the pot. Put the first rolled up leaves, dolmathes, up against the sides of the pot. Put the next leaves against those leaves and so on. You need the dolmathes jammed together so they don’t unravel. Add layers as necessary.

Add water to pot until all dolmathes are covered. Place a lid that is slightly smaller than the pot on top of the dolmathes to further keep them from unraveling. Cook on low heat for 45 minutes.

You can speed up the process by cooking the rice while mixing the meat and spices together. In this case, reduce the cooking of the dolmathes to 30 minutes.

Don’t throw away the liquid that remains in the pot after you serve the dolmathes. It makes an excellent broth.

TIDBITS

1) Dolmathe is a great ScrabbleTM word.

2) I first made this dish years ago for my wife’s birthday. We are still married.

3) My family and I first ate dolmathes at a wonderful Greek restaurant in Portland, Oregon.

4) I went to graduate school in Madison, Wisconsin. The two Greek restaurants nearest to the school were across the street from each other.

5) The three stages of mathematics are: 1) numbers, 2) lower-case English letters, and 3) Greek letters. If there is a fourth stage, I don’t want to know it. My head would explode.

6) Socrates almost died in battle. If he had, all Western philosophical thought would have been completely altered. Cliff Notes would have put out one fewer booklet.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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GEORGE RANDALL, BADGER FAN – PART 2

Posted on March 29, 2012 by pauldelancey

GEORGE RANDALL, BADGER FAN – PART 2

George returned to a state gripped in the clutches of Badgermania. Madison and other cities were renaming streets after players of the University of Wisconsin’s football team. George’s town of Stoughton honored him as well, by renaming no less than twenty-three streets after George. Yes sir, George was a hero to all.

People all over Wisconsin yearned to see their Badgers stomp their menacing rivals from UCLA. Wisconsin had gone thirty-one years since their last Rose Bowl appearance. Millions of Wisconsinites had grown up without even knowing the location or meaning of the Rose Bowl. As for a Rose Bowl victory, well, there may have been one in the time of legends before writing had been invented. Certainly, no one other than George had ever thought it had been possible. Now, it was possible.

Millions of folks from Wisconsin made every effort to see their beloved Badgers play the Bruins in the Rose Bowl. Entire towns, such as Baraboo, Barneveld, Belleville and Blue Mounds, and many towns that didn’t start with “B” made travel arrangements for everyone in their town to see the game. Millions of folks bought tickets to see the game. Millions of people spent several hundred dollars on air fare and hotels. Millions of people dipped into their retirement funds and their college funds for their children to see the Badgers in Pasadena on New Year’s day.

The airlines honored their commitments to the hardy Badger fans. The hotels honored their commitments to these loyal supporters. Unfortunately, the Rose Bowl seats only a 100,000. So, alas, nearly three million Badger fans could not get in.

What had happened? Apparently, many fly-by-night travel agents promised Badger fans tickets they did not have. Eager to accept the fans’ money, the travel agents did not care that they crushed the dreams of many honest souls.

Our hero’s heart burst with sympathy toward his brethren. He had his tickets for the game within minutes of the Badgers’ clinching a trip to the Rose Bowl. He knew what it meant to be a Badger fan, scorned by the world. Early in the morning of January 1, 1994, he walked to the wailing crowd of Badger fans by the Rose Bowl. With heavy heart, he saw shattered hopes everywhere. Marriages everywhere were being tested to their limits as spouses blamed each other for the mess. As he walked along, a little girl tore away from her mother’s arms and ran crying toward George.

George shook in anguished surprise. This girl was the same age that he was when he first announced his dream of seeing the Badgers win in the Rose Bowl. He remembered his humiliation, his lack of human friends. Tear welled in his eyes when the memory of that awful Fourth of July parade flooded back to him.

“What is your name, little girl?” he asked. “Suzy,” she replied. “My name is Suzy Dock. What is your name?” she inquired. But George could not reply. He fell to the ground, tore open his shirt, and pummeled his naked chest with his fists until he covered himself with bruises. “As God is my witness,” he shouted to the heavens, “this little girl shall not endure the torments that I went through to see the Badgers have a chance at winning the Rose Bowl.” Sobbing uncontrollably, he thrust his packet of tickets toward little Suzy. “Take them and be happy. Go!” he shouted.

Little Suzy ran to her mother just as fast as her little legs could carry her. She showed the tickets to her mother, explained how she obtained them, and pointed out the wretched George. The mother gathered little Suzy to her bosom and rushed to thank George.

“God bless you, sir!” she gushed. “You sir, are my knight in shining armor. You have restored my faith in humanity. You are a true Badger.”

George stopped his crying, looked up at her, and drank in her gratitude.”Thank you,” he choked, “That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Suddenly, he grabbed his chest and sank to the ground.

“You’re having a heart attack!” the mother…

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GEORGE RANDALL, BADGER FAN – PART 1 Our

Posted on March 27, 2012 by pauldelancey

GEORGE RANDALL, BADGER FAN – PART 1

Our hero was born in the small town of Lodi, Wisconsin, in the year 1937. Red-haired George grew up in a house overlooking the small stream that ran through town. Whenever grownups asked him “What do you want to do when you grow up?”, George would always reply “I want to be there when the Badgers win the Rose Bowl!” They all laughed at him. So he shied away from humanity. His one true friend was Suzy the Duck. George sought out his fowl friend whenever his burden of woe proved too much to bear.

He would tell her, “I know that I will see the Badgers win the Rose Bowl. I will be there when it happens.” “Quack,” Suzy always cheerfully replied. She would then bob her head under the water, flap her little wings, and playfully splash George.

George learned to keep his vision of the red-clad Badgers to himself. The strain of doing this was great. He grew moody and his grades suffered. Finally, he lost control and erupted at the worst possible moment.

July 4, 1953 would prove to be a day that the good citizens of Lodi, Wisconsin would never forget. Senator Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin had been invited to be Marshall of Honor for the town’s Fourth of July parade.

All the good townsfolk participated in the festivities in one way or another. The Clark boys rode in a canoe in the back of a pick-up truck to symbolize the expedition of Lewis and Clark. All admired Sally Magnusson as she walked along sewing an American flag, in a perfect imitation of Betsy Ross. The little Thorvald triplets performed a darling re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Miss White’s second-grade debating club entranced all with their re-enactment of the famed Lincoln-Douglas debates.

Then George Randall strode onto the parade route. The crowd gasped. George was dressed all in red. Senator McCarthy stared open-jawed; George must be trying to humiliate him! It became worse. George pointed at the Senator, while jumping up and down and yelling “Go Big Red! Go Big Red!”

“George is mocking me! Me, a great man!” McCarthy fumed. Quickly plotting revenge, he rose to point an accusing finger at George. “Communist!” he thundered. The good townsfolk, including his parents, peeled away in horror from the offending George, shunning him for the disgrace that he had brought to their parade. His mind in a swirl, George fled Lodi that very night.

It transpired that this very incident changed the fate of this great country. McCarthy later confessed in his memoirs Crisis at Lodi that George’s brazen of defiance fatally shook his confidence necessary to carry on in his red-bashing campaign. George had saved American democracy. However, he was unaware of this and would wander the Midwest for some years in sullen despondency.

George eventually settled in the town of Stoughton, Wisconsin and married the lovely Anna Knudson. Together, they operated a small but cheerful Norwegian deli. In November 1962 they had a son, whom they named Vanderkelen after the brilliant Wisconsin quarterback who had just led the Badgers to their first Rose Bowl appearance in decades.

How could they manage to get to Pasadena? Anna and he had gotten deep into debt setting up their deli. “How about selling the store?” he wondered. He broached the idea to his wife. Initially, she resisted, but his infectious enthusiasm overcame her misgivings. So they hurriedly sold the store. They were ready to fulfill George’s lifelong dream.

Disaster struck! Their precious Vanderkelen came down with measles three days before the Game. The cost of fighting the dread sickness, and its complications, used up every dollar gained from the sale of their unused Rose Bowl tickets. George and Anna were at the hospital on New Year’s day when their son’s fever broke. They were so happy they did not mind missing the game, or even the Badgers’ narrow defeat. Their faces did, however, betray small smiles when they read of the heroic exploits of the Badgers’ Vanderkelen….

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