– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
It looks blurry because you’ve drunk too much.
Most of us have never had a DUI offense. We simply don’t drink enough to have an illegal Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) high enough for a citation. In California, the limit for alcohol in your blood stream is 0.08%.
But suppose your celebrating your darling daughter’s wedding. You’d like to toast her future life. You’d like to unwind with champagne at such a wonderful event, but you don’t want to drive drunk. It’s not safe. It’s against the law. A DUI offense could cost you thousands. You could lose your license. This would cripple your traveling flea-circus tour.
As it stands, the safe and legal BAC depends of the number of drinks you’ve had, your weight, and your sex as can be seen in table on the right.
Sobering numbers, and rightly so, but the celebrating driver has been given two signficant loopholes, changing your weight and your sex if you’re a woman. Let’s examine these loopholes.
1) Massive weight gain.
BAC is calculated by dividing the alcohol in your blood stream by your weight. Doubling your weight halves your BAC. I’m allowed to drink more alcohol, because of my weight, than are most men. So there is a huge incentive for the drinking man to tub up as the following table shows.
Drinks Legal for man if he Legal for woman if she
weighs more than weighs more than
—————————————————————–
1 75 67
2 150 133
3 225 200
4 300 267
5 375 333
6 450 400
7 525 467
8 600 533
9 675 600
10 750 667
2) Sex Change – Works only for some women
As the DMV’s table (at the top) shows, a woman who weighs 160 will be legally intoxicated if she has two drinks. However, if she opts for a sex-change operation to become a man, those same two drinks will leave her legal to drive.
Similarly, a woman who weighs 240 pounds will also benefit from a gender change.
Note well, these two options might not be the right choices for you. Side effects, consequences, etc.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Listen to Archer Woman.
Archer Woman #13
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Nearly all of us have, at one time or another, blended ingredients to make smoothies, cakes, stews, or other culinary delights. These beverages, desserts, or entrees turned out quite tasty. But what about the blending process itself? How did that make you feel? There’s simply no word for this concept.
It’s high time to correct this oversight.
TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
Plend
Awesome entry #10
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
6 baking potatoes, not the itsy bitsy kind
1 green chile
4 garlic cloves
6 stalks green onion
1 tablespoon grated Parmesan cheese
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon dill weed
½ cup diced tomatoes
2½ cups shredded Four Mexican cheeses
¾ cup sour cream
4 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 12-ounce package bacon
4 tablespoons shredded Four Mexican cheeses
PREPARATION
Rinse potatoes. Bake potatoes according to instruction on bag; often about 50 to 60 minutes in oven preheated to 425 degrees. While the potatoes are baking, remove seeds from green chile. Cut chile lengthwise into 8 equal pieces. Mince garlic and green onion.
Combine garlic, green onion, Parmesan cheese, salt, paprika, dill weed, diced tomatoes, Mexican cheese, and sour cream in mixing bowl.
Slice all strips of bacon lengthwise into 8 equally long pieces. Separate small pieces of bacon in a no-stick frying pan. Cook at medium-high heat until all pieces turn crispy and turn golden. Stir frequently. Tilt the pan away from you so you don’t get splattered by grease. Be sure to monitor the bacon constantly. Bacon goes from a golden crispiness to charred ash faster than a politician forgets campaign promises.
Take bacon out and put on plate covered with a paper towel. Put a paper towel on top on the bacon pieces. Press down. This should remove much of the grease.
Remove potatoes from oven. Close oven door to save its heat for later. Cut baked potatoes in half lengthwise. Remove the inside white part until only ¼-inch remains all around the skin.
(For Pete’s sake, when your sweetheart asks you what plans you have for the white stuff, look him or her firmly in the eye for about five seconds and say with a strong voice, “I will make mashed potatoes with them. The mashed potatoes will be magnificent. Angels in Heaven will sing their praises. This speech works.
Do not! Do not say, “I don’t know. The recipe didn’t say.” Your significant other will not believe you. Harsh words will ensue. Your beautiful relationship will dissolve and all you will have left are these wonderful potato skins; which might or might not be sufficient compensation for the loss of your sweetheart.
Oh, and if after the spat, you write an apology do not start with, “Dear Sweatheart.”)
Meanwhile, back at the kitchen. Brush vegetable oil all over the insides and outsides of the potatoes. Spoon garlic/green onion/cheese/sour cream mixture into the hollowed out potato halves. Use no-stick spray on a baking sheet. Put filled potatoes on the baking sheet. Place sheets in oven. Cook at 450 degrees for 8 minutes.
Remove filled potatoes from baking sheet. Place green-chile strip, its inside part face up on filled potato. Place bacon bits on top of that. Sprinkle lightly with remaining cheese.
Have an ice-cold root beer and serve potato skins to adoring guests. (Assuming you didn’t alienate them to the point of leaving over what to do with the scooped out potato pulp.)
TIDBITS
1) A survey by Maple Leaf FoodsTM found that 43% of people would rather have bacon than sex.
2) Why not have both? Instead of lighting up a cigarette afterwards, try frying up a pound of bacon.
3) I suspect far less than 43% would prefer raw bacon to raw sex.
4) The Chinese have been salting pork since 1,500 B.C., and look how many Chinese there are.
5) People from India don’t eat any bacon or any pork and yet there are over a billion of them.
6) Still, Chinese outnumber Indians by about 300 million. So if you want a hot and heavy night, treat your sweetheart to a bacon dinner.
7) Oh, chocolates, flowers, and champagne don’t hurt your chances either.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Bacon & Chocolate is finally ready to hit the campaign trail for 2022.
We would have started earlier, but our campaign chest was empty, $0,00, And let me tell you, you can’t buy many ads with that kind of cash,
However, B&C just came into two windfalls.
1) A lawsuit settlement of $9.83. A toll-booth company had been overcharging and got caught.
2) $1.85 in loose change found under the sofa cushions.
The B&C Party is ready to party. Vote for us. All you need is a time machine.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
FB version*
Get excited at the Kangasniemi’s Kutemajarvi Sex Festival. It’s held in July when 5,000 Kangsniemians go sex mad. See live acts from the biggest adult film stars. Cheer on the nude mud wrestlers. Wonder at the sex-toys exhibits. Be entranced at lectures on sex from prominent sex-and-sexuality theorists. Yes sex, just like all subjects, has both empirical and theoretical aspects. But at Kangasniemi you can investigate both of them. If that doesn’t get a rise out of you, what will?
But why content yourself with being a bystander? Don’t have a thing to wear? Then enter the Aphrodite nude beauty competition.
Go there. There’s a lot to see.
* FB threatened me with all sorts of things if kept the original title and picture
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Angolan Entree
INGREDIENTS
2 boneless chicken breasts
2 boneless chicken thighs
1 garlic clove
1 medium onion
1 bay leaf
1½ tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon salt
1 12-ounce can beer
1 tablespoon olive oil
1½ tablespoons palm oil
2 teaspoons tomato paste
2 teaspoons vinegar
Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.
PREPARATION
Cut chicken breasts and chicken thighs into 1″ cubes. Dice garlic clove and onion. Put all ingredients in pot. Simmer at low-medium heat for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to low and stir for another 15 minutes. Stir occasionally.
TIDBITS
1) Chickens d’Angola look fierce.
2) They do everything as a flock. Indeed traveling as flock on the ground–Oh, I so want to use the word herd–is the only activity that stimulates to urge to mate.
3) There you have it; chickens d’Angola are fierce and engage in mobile, group sex.
4) Which, are of course, the two requirements for a successful play.
5) Indeed, in 1932, the great playwright Bertold Brecht wrote the satirical play, Chicken Angolana.
6) Unfortunately, chickens d’Angolana are black and Himmler, had just issued black uniforms to his evil SS. He felt that the black chickens were a metaphor for the SS, took offense, and banned the play.
7) Indeed, Himmler hounded Brecht until the great playwright left Germany. Bertold’s brilliant play remained shelved for decades. Even now, productions of Chicken Angolana can only be found in neighborhood theaters in Berlin and, strangely enough, in Paducah, Kentucky.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.
RP asks: Pop Tart wine pairings, please.
Dear RP: While many people and all wine connoisseurs and cannibals know that white wine goes with white food and red wine goes with red food, it’s amazing how few people are aware that blue wine pairs with blue food, as in blueberry Pop TartsTM, brown wine with brown food, such as root-beer Pop Tarts. If you are unsure of the color of the paste inside the Pop Tart, may I suggest adding sprinkles to a fine rose? Sprinkles in wine always pair well with sprinkled food.
************************
KM asks: Can you make ice cream from Coffeemate?
Dear KM: Yes, if you have a sufficiently powerful energy source. We in Southern California have a nuclear reactor in San Onofre doing absolutely nothing. Go inside the complex while the guards are celebrating. (Well of course, their partying. It’s my birthday.) Be sure to have all the necessary ingredients for brewing before you start. You’d feel awful if you fired up a hurriedly decommissioned nuclear reactor only to discover you forget the coffee filters.
************************
LHH asks: Cheese Whiz or organic palm oil for that get-away weekend?
Dear LHH: It all depends. If your sweetheart is the type who prefers Cheeze WhizTM or even VelveetaTM then by all means take the Cheez Whiz. There’s nothing so arousing as having your body scented like a good burger. Also, Lots of rain forests are being cut down to produce palm oil. This is a turn off to environmentally concerned lovers. However, guys whose dates cancel at the last moment should probably bring along palm oil
************************
SWW asks: I’m going to interact with others, this weekend. So which should I bring up–sex, politics, religion, or all of them? If it’s all, can you give me a sentence or two that combines them?
Dear SWW: Any topic is okay as long as your suitably armed. There is nothing so frustrating as to listen to some ignorant clod go on and on incorrectly on some topic and having no way to stop the rant. Many people carry an assault rifle for this very reason. However, if you’re anti-gun, that’s okay, too. In this case, I suggest carrying a kitchen mallet. It’s dual purpose. It tenderizes meat as well as dispatching people. If however, your heart is set on offending people with the minimum of words, may I suggest the following sentence? “God demands you have frequent sex with Democrats.” (Be careful though to substitute in the word “Republicans” if talking to a Democrat. There’s nothing worse than an avoidable faux pas.)
************************
KD asks: What should I do if I come in contact with a one-eyed, two-toed flying purple people eater (not to be confused with a trump supporter).
Dear KD: It was never clear to me if the song referred to a purple monster that ate all people or merely a monster that ate purple people. If the later interpretation is true, than I am safe as I am note purple. However, I never ever take blueberry baths. I don’t want to look purple in case I run into a purple-people eating monster. However, things get existential if the monster devours everyone. You have two options. One, spout theoretical econometrics at the flying monster. You will rapidly put the critter into a coma. Don’t know theoretical econometrics? Surprisingly few people do. Two, smear yourself all over with lutefisk. That is the nastiest smelling stuff on God’s green Earth. The monster will stay far away from you as will all other nasally equipped beings.
*************************
JAS asks: Is there life on Mars?
Dear JAS: There’s only one way to know for sure. Go to Mars yourself. Of course, once you arrive, there will be life on Mars as you will be there. Oh, I suppose you could look for pre-your-trip-to-Mars life. Honestly. Okay, you’ll need a powerful rocket to get there. NASA has powerful rockets. If, as I suspect, their rockets as scheduled already for future missions, you’ll have to create your method of space travel. Your space capsule should be a Smart CarTM. They’re small and have a radio and a CD player. Attach thousands upon thousands of bottle rockets underneath and along the sides of your car. Light the bottle rockets and quickly, oh my gosh quickly, get in your car and close the door. Put on your seat belt. Safety is important. And away you go.
************************
MH asks: Donut holes? What gives? Why should I pay more just for a bag of holes separately?
Dear MH: This is a contentious issue. Deep, secret societies are at work. President Bush wouldn’t touch this issue. Neither would Obama. His health care plan was a just an excuse to avoid tackling the doughnut-hole issue. President Trump plays golf every time some brings this up. Clearly, you’re going to have become president if you hope to find out. And be brave, be very brave.
************************
OM asks: Are we there yet?
Dear OM: No, we are not there yet. We want to visit the Sun. This will not happen as long as the Earth continues to orbit it. Honestly, it really seems as if we are really just going round and round. The only way to get to the Sun is to shove our planet out of orbit. To do this, we simply need to get about two billion people to jump sixty feet to the ground at the same time. Clearly, we need the cooperation of the Chinese and Indians. Travel to those countries, flash your winning smile and persuade those nations’ leader to cooperate. Should their rulers balk for some unforseen reason, they’re foreigners after all, threaten them with nuclear weapons. Don’t have nuclear weapons? Tsk, tsk, it always pays to be prepared. In that case, break into the White House and steal the attache case that launches everything. If security stops you say, “Oops, forgot this. I’d forget my head if it weren’t attacked.” Make your getaway while they laugh at your joke,
************************
KE asks: Is the moon really made of cream cheese?
Dear KE: Only the Cream Cheese Association (CCA) knows and they won’t tell without a million dollars in unmarked bills. If you have that much money fine, ask them. Otherwise, you’ll have to save up through hard work, rob a bank, or make counterfeit bills. Do a good job though, the Treasury Department takes a lot of interest in high quality counterfeit $100s. And gosh darn it, you should be taking pride in your work for its own sake.
************************
KM asks: Will masturbation really make you go blind?
(long pause)
Dear KM: No. See? I’m typing this. Ok, with touch typing I don’t need to see, but no.
************************
LHH asks: What happens when you smoke the filters?
Dear LHH: You see God. Do this only if your conscience is clear as you will get judged right there and then.
************************
NB asks: When a stranger asks me – what do I do? – how should I answer. (I think you know what I do.)
Dear NB: Oh my gosh, don’t tell them the truth. Their eyes will glaze over. Their life force will escape shrieking from their nose. Tell them you taste test artichokes. That’s what I say. Unless, of course, you can’t abide the questioner. Then by all means, tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy.
************************
WK asks: Where was the clock that Bill Haley rocked around?
Dear WK: No one knows for sure. It was once spotted at a flea market in Stockton, California back in 1989. Time to follow up this lead. There can’t be more than 10,000 flea markets in America. Right?
************************
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.
Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.
But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*
So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.
Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline. Tada! The world is saved.
Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.
So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.
* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 