Yesterday was a tough day. Today was a busy day. So much adulting for me. I needed to see a little girl blowing bubbles. This picture makes me happy. I hope it does the same for you.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
FB version*
Get excited at the Kangasniemi’s Kutemajarvi Sex Festival. It’s held in July when 5,000 Kangsniemians go sex mad. See live acts from the biggest adult film stars. Cheer on the nude mud wrestlers. Wonder at the sex-toys exhibits. Be entranced at lectures on sex from prominent sex-and-sexuality theorists. Yes sex, just like all subjects, has both empirical and theoretical aspects. But at Kangasniemi you can investigate both of them. If that doesn’t get a rise out of you, what will?
But why content yourself with being a bystander? Don’t have a thing to wear? Then enter the Aphrodite nude beauty competition.
Go there. There’s a lot to see.
* FB threatened me with all sorts of things if kept the original title and picture
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – MEAT FILLING
1 pound ground beef or lamb
1 medium onion
⅛ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes or cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (3½ cups more later)
INGREDIENTS- SPINACH FILLING
1 pound fresh spinach
¼ cup vegetable oil (¼ cup more later)
2 tablespoons flour (3½ cups more later)
¼ cup water
INGREDIENTS – DOUGH
3¼ cups flour
1 cup warm water
INGREDIENTS – FINAL
no-stick spray
3½ cups (1½”) vegetable oil
Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 40 minutes.
PREPARATION – MEAT FILLING
Mince onion. Add all meat-filling ingredients to large mixing bowl. Blend with hands.
PREPARATION – SPINACH FILLING
Add enough water to cover spinach to large pot. Bring water to boil using high heat. Add spinach. Boil for 4 minutes. Drain. Add ice water and spinach to 2nd bowl. The ice water stops the spinach from continuing to cook and prevents its leaves from wilting. Drain.
Add ¼ cup vegetable oil to pan. Heat using medium-high heat until a little bit of flour dances in the oil. Add 2 tablespoons flour. Reduce heat to meat and cook for 1 minute or until flour starts to brown. Add ¼ cup water. Still with whisk or fork until well blended. Add back spinach. Stir until well blended. Remove from heat.
PREPARATION – DOUGH
Add 3¼ cups flour, 1 cup warm water, and ¼ cup oil to 3rd, large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until you get a smooth dough ball that is not sticky. Add a bit more flour if necessary. Cover and set aside.
PREPARATION – FINAL
Spray flat surface with no-stick spray. Divide dough into 16 smaller dough balls. Roll out small dough balls until they become rounds ⅛” thick. (The rounds should be about 6″ across.) Divide meat filling equally over on the right half of the rounds. Distribute the spinach filling equally over the sides with meat. Leave a small uncovered edge on all the round.
Brush the edges with little bit of water. This will help the pastries to seal better. Fold uncovered half of the dough rounds over the covered side to make your gutap pastries. Seal the edges together by pressing down with the tines of a fork. Prick top of gutap with fork. This allows hot air to escape while cooking. (It also helps for even browning of both sides.)
Add 3½ cups oil to large pot. Heat oil at medium heat until a little bit of dough in the oil starts to dance. Carefully add 2 or 3 gutaps to pot. (Do not let them touch It also helps the flip side brown evenly.) Fry 3 minutes on each side or until gutaps turn golden brown all over. Add more oil as needed. Remove with slotted spoon and drain on paper towels. Serve hot.
TIDBITS
1) The Sun and the Moon are round. The Ancient Romans worshiped them as gods. Pizzas are round. Pizzas are made round to honor the Sun god, Sol, and the Moon goddess, Luna. Why did the Romans honor these gods with pizzas? Because Sol and Luna loved pizzas. Who doesn’t?
2) Sol wanted the heavens to himself during the day. This is how we get the modern word, solo.
3) Luna would go insane when the Earth hid her beloved Sun. Her face sported a tic during these events. Her followers would worship her during lunar eclipse by scrunching their faces to resemble tics. This is how we get the word, lunatic.
4) The supreme Roman god, Jove, certainly played the field. He took the form of a dove and made passionate love to a Gallic lass called Carla La Fong. You’d think Carl would taken a man for a lover rather than a dove, but there’s no accounting for taste.
5) Carla named the fruit of this union, Gutap. Gutap was a handsome and muscular lad. Indeed, he killed the requisite number of wild beast expected of a demigod, but his passion was making meat pastries. He didn’t even half to follow the recipe above. He just pressed dirt between his hands and presto, he’d made a semicircular pastry. Jove’s fellow Olympian loved these pastries, calling them gutaps after Juno’ son. Indeed, they found them so tasty, that they esteemed Gutap above, Juno, head goddess and wife of Juno.
6) This adulation pierced Juno’s vanity so much that she cast Gutap down to Earth. Gutap fled Juno’s wrath until he reached Turkmenistan, a land so far away that even the gods could not see it. The demigod fed his meat pastries to his new neighbors. They loved the pastries so much that they found a way to make their own gutaps. Now you know.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Facebook(tm) uses all sorts of algorithms to determine whose posts we get to see and what types are allowed. These algorithms often vary with what its legions of users wish to view. If only we could have an algorithm that would make everyone happy.
I’m glad you spoke up. I am proud to present to you the world famous Al Gore Rhythm Bard. Here it is, performing on stage in Nashville, Tennessee.
Al Gore (left), Carl La Fong (right)
The Al Gore Rhythm Band
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Orange World, what fun!
People, especially kids, love theme parks. However, dissension often splits apart the happy family. Everyone wants to go to a particular ride or attraction. The bickering never ends. When an agreement is finally reached, you and the surly siblings enter into a seemingly infinite line.
So if the lengthy lines mean you’re never really going to get on a ride, why not go to Orange World instead? The genius of Orange World comes from the fact that its one line does not merely appear to be infinite, it is infinite! And with one line, there will be no discussions about which one to join. And how is this one line infinite? It’s a circle! Like the second hand on a clock, you shuffle endlessly forward around the circle.
Sure, you won’t get on a ride at Orange World, but you weren’t getting on a ride at the major theme parks anyway. And at one-third the price of a major theme park, you can’t afford to not venture into Orange World.
Why is it called Orange World? In the middle of the circular line sits a giant orange. It’s soothing to look at an oversize orange. And don’t we all need more serenity in our lives? I know I do. Go to Orange World and find the inner peace you’ve been craving. Take your family to Orange World. Take them today.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Can’t speak Finnish, but still love to make yourself heard? Alapitka, Finland, puts on the renowned Cattle Calling Championship. Techniques of the champions are closely guarded secrets. However, successful participants tend to know the names of the cows. Courtesy while chatting with your cow goes a long way to winning the championship.
And you can get good rooms for $35 a night, making Alapitka, Finland a must-see destination for the budget-conscious* traveler.
* = after airfare.
Will she come to your call?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – PIZZA CRUST
2 cups all-purpose flour (1 tablespoon more later)
¾ cup water
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ teaspoon sugar
½ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon active dry yeast
no-stick spray
1 tablespoon flour
INGREDIENTS – TOPPINGS
½ pound spaghetti
no-stick spray
1½ cups pasta sauce
½ pound sausage meat*
¼ pound sliced pepperoni*
2 cups mozzarella cheese
* = Substitute with your preferred toppings, if you like.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
bread maker
16″ pizza pan
Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 50 minutes.
PREPARATION – PIZZA CRUST
Add flour, water, oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. Do not put the yeast directly on top of the salt. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise. “Ask not what your yeast can do for you. Ask what you can do for your yeast.”
Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait for the required time, maybe up to an hour. In the meantime preheat the oven to 400 degrees and liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan.
Take the dough out of the bread maker and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not possess a rolling pin, any canned food can will do as long as it is at least six inches tall. Spray the pan and coat it with 1 tablespoon flour before spreading the dough.
PREPARATION – TOPPINGS
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Read instructions for spaghetti on package. Subtract 3 minutes from the suggested time. (The spaghetti will continue to cook in the oven.) Drain.
Spray pizza pan with no-stick spray. Put pizza crust on pizza pan. Spread pasta sauce over entire crust. Make ½” sausage balls. Arrange sausage balls and pepperoni slices evenly over sauce. Distribute spaghetti evenly over pizza. Sprinkle cheese over everything. Bake pizza in oven at 400 degrees for 16 minutes or until cheese turns golden brown.
Note: This another version of pizzaghetti that simply has spaghetti and sauce served next to one or two slices of pizzas. To me, the version presented here is much more exciting.
TIDBITS
1) I must say that this is an exciting dish.
2) It’s so simple now, yet so many never had the wit to combine pizza with spaghetti.
3) But Patrice Grandchat did. Culinary financial analysts report that Mlle. Grandchat now has so much money that she’s about to launch a hostile takeover of AmazonTM. “I have a lot of things in my closets and attic that I’d like to sell,” said the billionaire Quebecoise.
4) I want to be as rich as Mlle. Grandchat. If I were that wealthy, I’d never have to think twice about spending ten cents on a recyclable plastic bag at the supermarket checkout stand. So, here are my forthcoming money-making food dishes.
A) PB&S: Peanut Butter and Steak. Simply slather your steak with peanut butter. There’s a version of this entree where the steak gets stuffed with peanut butter. This is the famous Stuffed PB&S.
B) Ravioli Burger: Substitute the meat patty in your burger with ravioli.
C) Camcowpigturducken: This is a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey inside a pig inside a cow inside a camel. Vegetarians are warned away from this dish. It’s also a diet-busting meal.
D) Taco Ice Cream: Who doesn’t love tacos? Who doesn’t love ice cream? I tell you, putting a crushed taco inside cream is a stroke of genius.
E) Roast Marshmallow Beef: It’s often called RMB by its legion of fans. Nothing’s more fun than roasting marshmallows over a campfire. And roast beef is the tastiest meat entree around. And what better way to get food fussies to eat their roast beef than hiding it inside a dessert?
F) Coke Dogs: Coca ColaTM is the world’s favorite soda. The hot dog is America’s most beloved meal. Simply boil your frankfurters in a pot of Coca Cola instead of water.
G) Bean Kabobs: Finally a way to grill beans! We never could before because beans would, of course, fall through the grill. But they won’t when they’re skewered between pork cubes and onion slices.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Give callers a purpose in life. Leave work feeling refreshed. Work as a Customer Service Rep. Claim your dream job. And start napping!
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
We all know that if we drop a slice of buttered bread, it will land buttered-side down. Pizzas, however, often fall dough-side down. But it’s a certainty that something will land atop the newly dropped pizza.
We know this. So does NASA. Sure, their geniuses delight in solving mathematical formulas, after all who doesn’t? But their staff also prides itself on its powers of observation. They will be using the pizza observation to perfectly land their Landing Modules. For NASA does cranky if after untold hours of development at a cost of several billion dollars, their Landing Module lands upside down or tips over.
NASA’s solution? Their New Landing Module (NLM) ejects four pizzas 100 feet before they want to land. The only possible way for the Landing Module to make contact with each and every pizza is for the module to pierce the pizzas with all four landing arms , as shown in the picture below. They plan to use this technique on their next mission to Mars. They also have a long run plan to do this on Uranus.
20 weeks or your pizza is free.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1½ tablespoons yeast
1 cup milk, warm
1½ tablespoons water, warm
⅓ cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon rum extract or 1 tablespoon brandy (optional)
1 teaspoon salt
½ cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 eggs
6 cups flour (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons flour
1 quart lard or vegetable oil
½ cup confectioners’ sugar
½ cup of your favorite jam or jelly
SPECIAL UTENSILS
electric beater (with dough hook, if you have it)
sonic obliterator
Makes 20 doughnuts. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add yeast, milk, and water to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until yeast dissolves. Add butter. rum extract, salt, sugar. and vanilla. Stir with whisk until sugar dissolves. Add eggs. Mix with electric beater on medium setting until well blended and mixture thickens. Add 6 cups flour gradually and blend with electric beater set on low. (Use beater’s dough hook if you have one.) Mix until dough is smooth and will not stick to your hands. Cover and let rise for 1 hour or until dough doubles in size.
Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Roll out dough until it is ¾” thick. Cut dough into 3″ wide circles. (A cookie cutter and upside-down glass work well here.) Let rise for 1 hour on until dough circles double in size.
Add lard to large pan. Heat lard using medium-high heat until a tiny bit of dough dances in the lard. Carefully add as many dough circles as possible without having them touch each other. Fry for 1-to-2 minutes or until the bottom of the dough circles turn golden brown. (Please monitor to prevent burning.) Carefully flip dough circles. Fry for another 1-to-2 minutes or until the second side turns golden brown as well. Remove and place on towel-covered plate. Repeat for the following batches. (Please note that frying times tend to go down with successive batches.)
Let doughnuts cool until they can be handled. Add confectioners’ sugar to mixing bowl. Add doughnut. Turn doughnut until covered with confectioners’ sugar. Use sharp knife to cut a 2″ slit in the middle of a doughnut’s side. Use spoon to insert ½ tablespoon jam into doughnut. Use sonic obliterator on anyone who gives you guff in any way. I mean, geezo flip, you’ve been working with hot grease to make them a super yummy dessert. And no jury would ever convict you.
TIDBITS
1) German bombers attacked London during The First World War, 1914-1918, and World War Two, 1939 -1945.
2) The British, understandably, didn’t like this at all, no not one bit. But what to do? Until the advent of the British radar defense system, the RAC, and later the RAF, found it nearly impossible to find and intercept the German bombers. So, the bombing continued unmolested.
3) Then, on May 19th, 1915, Polish immigrant and master baker, Jan Kowalski, made 20,000 pączki (using this very recipe according to culinary historians) to celebrate the wedding of Antoni Adami and Maja Bartosz.
4) Unfortunately, just before the wedding the father of Antoni told a “Your Mama” joke to the Maja’s mom. It was now well received. Maja’s mom told her husband. Words were said. A few fist fights broke out. The Bartoszes cancelled the wedding. Jan the baker didn’t get paid.
5) Jan’s friend, Bazyli Blaszak, owner of Blaszak’s Catapults was also at the wedding. “I know you feel. I have 500 catapults doing nothing. The British army put in a big order for catapults, but at the last moment they decided to go for75 millimeter artillery pieces instead. Wanted to modernize their army, they said.” He spat. “Dranie.”
6) “Well pierdolić,” said Jan. “We might as well use your catapults to fling my pączki as high as they can go into the sky.” So, the two friends flung up one paçzek after another into the heavens.
7) As contrived luck would have it, a squadron of German Gothas dropped by that very moment to bomb London. The squadron cleared the barrage balloons designed to keep Hun bombers away.
8) But they did not pass through Jan’s and Bazyli’s Polish Doughnut barrage unscathed. Pączek after pączek went through the bombers’ wings, shredding them completely. 31 bombers fell from the skies.
9) The British Army noted the failure of the barrage balloons and invested in anti-aircraft guns, a beefed up fighter force, and 500 polish catapults because hey, they worked.
10) The German air force also took note. All future planes would be designed to fly higher than any catapulted doughnut could achieve. Once the spirit of innovation spread through the Luftwaffe, it never really stopped. Their air planes got better and better. And in May, 1940 the German aircraft played a vital role in overrunning France. Aerial combat had gotten real. So next time, make sure you pay your doughnut caterers.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 