1) Guys, do not scratch your balls immediately after removing seeds from an habanero pepper. Watch your hands first. Thoroughly.
2) Warm beer cools downs faster in a sink of cold water than it does in the fridge or freezer. This is because water has a much higher heat-transfer coefficient than air.
3) Is microwaving taking up too much of your time, time that you could have been using to build a financial empire? Well then, this tip is for you. Punch in 6-0 for sixty seconds instead of 1-0-0 for one minute. It results in the same amount of microwaving, but you will have saved yourself the time required to press that third button. You will now have an extra tenth of a second to do investment analysis. Enjoy your millions.
4) Speaking of saving time, how many times have you made your perfect meal, the best meal of your life where everything turned just right, and your guests literally walked to their cares singing your culinary praises? Well, just once. But it doesn’t have to be that way with the Bushnell 303 Time Machine. Whenever your more likable guests show up for dinner, simply fire up the ol’ reliable 303, go back in time to that special night when you made that perfect meal, return with your food fit for the gods, and serve it to your guests. And best of all, with your Time Machine, you’ll never have to cook a perfect meal again. You’ll say, “Thank you, Bushnell.”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.