To all the mothers, to all those who wish to be mothers, and to all who mother and help strangers, Happy Mother’s Day. You are utterly magnificent and wonderful.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – PICO DE GALLO
4 Roma tomatoes
1 medium white onion
1 tablespoon fresh cilantro
1 jalapeno pepper (or ½ if you like it milder)
4 teaspoons lime juice
½ teaspoon salt (½ teaspoon more later)
INGREDIENTS – MAIN
1⅓ cups rice
1 pound pork belly*
2 garlic cloves
1 medium yellow or white onion
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon olive oil (2 tablespoons more later)
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 15-oz can red kidney beans, drained
2 tablespoons salsa Lizano* or Worcestershire sauce
INGREDIENTS – FINAL
2 avocados
1 cup tortilla chips
* = Pork belly can be found at CostcoTM. They tend to sell in 5-to-6 pound packages. However, what you don’t use, can be sliced to make bacon.
* = Salsa Lizano can be found online and in ethnic supermarkets.
Serves 4. Takes 1 hour.
PREPARATION – PICO DE GALLO
Dice tomatoes, white onion, and cilantro. Seed and dice jalapeno. (Wash hands afterward. If you touch your face before washing, it will burn.) Put tomato, white onion, cilantro, jalapeno, lime juice, and ½ teaspoon salt in bowl. Mix with spoon until well blended.
PREPARATION – MAIN
Cook rice according to instructions on package. Cut pork belly into ½” cubes. Dice garlic cloves and yellow onion.
Add pork-belly cubes, garlic, cumin, pepper, and ½ teaspoon salt to small mixing bowl. Mix by hand until pork-belly cubes are well coated. Add 1 tablespoon olive oil to pan. Heat olive oil using high heat until a tiny bit of garlic starts to dance in the oil. Add coated pork belly cubes. Sauté cubes for 10 minutes or until cubes turn golden brown and become mostly crispy. Stir frequently, especially so when they start to brown.
While pork belly sautés, add 2 tablespoons olive oil and yellow onion to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until yellow onion softens. Stir frequently. Add red kidney beans and salsa Lizon. Reduce heat to medium. Cook until beans are warm. Stir occasionally
PREPARATION – FINAL
Peel avocados and cut them in half lengthwise. Remove pits. Cut avocado halves into 4 slices each. Add equal amounts of cooked rice to 4 serving bowls. Top rice with red kidney beans and yellow onion,. Top red kidney beans with pork belly cubes (chicharrone). Finally, top chicharrone with pico de gallo. Garnish with avocado slices and tortilla chips.
TIDBITS
1) This dish uses Roma tomatoes.
2) Roma is Latin for Rome. The Romans had a word for everything.
3) The Roman legionnaires carried Roma tomatoes into battle.
4) When the Roman soldiers got close to the enemy’s forces, they’d hurl Roma tomatoes.
5) The tomatoes splattered on the faces of the opposing infantry. Tomato juice got into the eyes of the foe.
6) Clear-sighted Romans charged into the ranks of the blinded enemy. The professional Roman army would gain a decisive victory within minutes.
7) “LycopersiciSusceptibility et gladii,” “Tomatoes and Swords.” was the slogan of the Roman soldiers.
8) Indeed, early Roman emperors wore a purple robe with vivid red Roma tomatoes on it.
9) But in late 405, extreme frost conditions totally destroyed the entire Roman Empire’s crop of tomatoes. Barbarian hordes crossed the frozen Rhine River and plunged into the heart of the empire.
10) It had been quite a long time since the legionnaires had fought without tomatoes. They didn’t know how to fight without them. The confused Roman army could no longer hold the barbarian forces at bay.
12) So Rome lost battle after battle. The barbarian conquered everything. Mighty Rome was no more. This is why you should stock your pantry with tomatoes.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 garlic clove
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
¼ cup olive oil
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
1 16-inch baguette or 2 ciabatta rolls
½ green bell pepper
¼ cucumber
¼ cup Nicoise or Kalamata olives
2 hard boiled eggs
⅓ red onion
1 large tomato
2 5-ounce cans solid white tuna, drained
2 ounces anchovies (optional)
Serves 4. Takes 55 minutes.
PREPARATION
Mince garlic clove. Add garlic, Dijon mustard, olive oil, red wine vinegar, pepper, and salt to small mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Cut baguette along its length. Use brush to spread garlic/ mustard/olive oil over both baguette halves.
Seed bell pepper. Cut bell pepper and cucumber into slices ½” thick. Cut olives in half. Dice hard boiled eggs. red onion, and. tomato. Spread tuna over baguette bottom. Place bell pepper and cucumber slices on tuna. Sprinkle bell pepper and cucumber with diced egg, olive halves, red onion, tomato, and anchovies.
Place baguette top on egg, onion, and tomato. Place baguette between 2 flat surfaces (such as cutting boards, baking sheets). Place heavy object (such as a skillet) on flat surface. Let sit for 20 minutes. Cut baguette into 4 mini baguettes.
TIDBITS
1) This dish, Pan Bagnat, is an anagram for “Tan Pan Bag.”
2) How do people in France transport their pans? They use bag pans.
3) Tan is the color of the baguette, a food vital to emotional well being So, in France, only chefs may own a tan pan bag. France. All other people must pick a different color. But if you do own a tan pan bag and you’re not a chef, you may expect a midnight visit from the police. Now you know.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 slice white bread
2 teaspoons butter, softened
1 tablespoon chocolate sprinkles or Dutch chocolate sprinkles, hagelslag, if you can find it
Serves 1. Takes 3 minutes.
PREPARATION
Spread butter all over bread. Sprinkle with sprinkles.
Ponder on what an amazingly versatile and speedy chef you’ve become.
TIDBITS
1) In 1633, little Pieter van Voorburg went outside to play.
2) He got hungry. He went inside for food. Mama took time to give Pieter a slice of bread.
3) He ate the bread. Little bits of bread fell from his mouth on to an ant hill.
4) The black ants swarmed the crumbs and took them back to their hill. The ants’ antics entranced the little boy for over an hour. Then he grew hungry once more. He went inside for more food.
5) “Oh Pieter!” cried his very busy mother, “Here, have two slices and some butter too. Now leave me be.”
6) Pieter buttered the bread with his fingers. But now he also wanted meat on his bread. He started back to the house. Then he remembered how cross Mama had been. What to do? Aha! Ants were meat, weren’t they?
7) He grabbed some ants and spread them on the buttered bread. Pieter, ate his slice. It was good. He’d give the other ant-smeared slice to Mama. She’d be pleased at his thoughtfulness.
8) Mama’s scream told Pieter she thought otherwise. Once the shrieking abated, she said in between sobs, “There’s so many black ants that they look like chocolate sprinkles..”
9) Pieter and Mama looked at each other. Looked again. Mama said, “Why I declare, bread with butter and chocolate sprinkles would be very tasty.” And so, a national breakfast was born.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
And you need to see it looking at floating petals. Right away. Think of this picture while sitting through another interminable meeting. The very thought of this little hedgehog will help you survive.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 small onion (1 more later)
1¼ pounds lamb or beef steak
1 bay leaf
¼ teaspoon pepper
water to cover steak, about 4 cups
½ teaspoon salt
1 egg
½ cup water (about)
1¼ cups flour (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons flour
1 medium potato (optional)
1 tablespoon ghee or butter
1 small onion
Serves 4. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.
PREPARATION
Cut 1 small onion into slices ¼” thick. Add onion slices, steak, bay leaf, pepper, and enough water to cover steak and 1″ more. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 1½ hours. Stir every 20 minutes. Keep steak covered with water.
While meat simmers, add salt and 1¼ cups flour to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork. Whisk egg in cup. Add egg to mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Gradually add ½ cup water, as needed, until you get a smooth dough. Mix with hands each time you add water. Knead dough for 5 minutes. Cover dough and let it sit for 20 minutes.
Sprinkle flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Divide dough into 2 dough balls. Roll out a dough ball on flat surface until it is about ⅛” thick. Cut flatten dough into 3″ squares. Repeat for each dough ball.
When meat has been simmering for 1½ hours, cut potato into ½” cubes. Add potato to pot. Simmer on low for 35 minutes or until meat and potato are tender to the fork. Keep potato and steak covered with water. Remove simmered onion and potato and set aside on 2 different plates. Cover to keep warm. Keep broth in pot.
While steak still simmers, cut 1 small onion into slices ¼” thick. Add onion slices and ghee to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Remove sautéed onion slices from heat.
Divide broth into 2 pots. (This will speed things up and keep meat and potato from getting cold.) Bring broth to boil using high heat. Add ¼ of the dough squares each to the 2 pots. (Add squares one at time to prevent sticking. Reduce heat to medium. Simmer for 4 minutes. Remove dough squares with slotted spoon. Repeat for remaining 2 portions of dough squares.
While dough square boil, cut steak into 1″ cubes. Cover again to keep warm. Remove bay leaf. Divide pasta squares between 4 plates. Top pasta squares with meat cubes. Top meat with simmered onion slices and potato cubes. Garnish with sautéed-onion slices. Spoon remaining broth over sautéed onion. Serve immediately.
TIDBITS
1) This dish, Beshbarmak, is undeniably tasty. This is why some many Kazakhstanis eat it so often.
2) However, take a look at the picture at the above picture. The tablecloth depicts, among other things, an oversized pineapple.
3) This is because all Kazakhstanis love pineapple. I mean, who doesn’t it?
4) But the inhabit of Kazakhstan really, really love the pineapple.
5) Whence sprang this deep and abiding taste?
6) From Genghis Khan.
7) Here how it started. It’s remarkable that we all the words in the following conversation.
8) Genghis Khan: Yo ho, Beshbarmak tastes great, but I really have a yearning for something sour and tart.
Kublai: And something with lots of Vitamin C to ward off colds. I do so hate the sniffles.
Subotai: How do you know about Vitamin C?
Kublai: I went to a fortune teller. She told me that 1,000 years from now, people would be eating pineapples to fight off sniffles.
Genghis: Well, there’s nothing more useless than a sniffling warrior. By heavens, we’ll get us some pineapples even if we have to destroy entire civilizations to do so.
All the Mongols: Yay! Yay!
9) But pineapples, back then, grew only in Brazil. So the Mongols conquered their way ever westward, stopped only in Hungary when their pineapple-lacking army came down with sniffles.
10) But in return for widespread destruction of Kazakhstan, the Mongols gave the locals the recipe for Beshbarmak. So, some good came out of the invasion. The Mongols also passed on their hunger for pineapples. Hence, the frequent pineapple imagery seen in Kazakhstan.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – MARINADE
2¼ pounds beef, chuck, top round
3 garlic cloves
3 lemongrass stalks or 1 tablespoon lemongrass paste
¼ teaspoon annatto powder
2 teaspoons Chinese five spice
½ tablespoon minced ginger
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons fish sauce
1½ tablespoons soy sauce
1 tablespoon palm sugar or brown sugar
INGREDIENTS – STEW
3 carrots
3 shallots
1 tomato
1 green chile or Thai chile
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cinnamon stick
3 kaffir, curry, or bay leaves
3 star anise pods
2⅓ cups coconut water, beef stock, or beer
¼ cup fresh* Thai basil or basil
⅓ cup fresh** mint leaves
* = or 4 teaspoons dried Thai basil
** = 5¼ teaspoons dried mint
Serves 4. Takes 2 hours 10 minutes.
PREPARATION – MARINADE
Cut beef into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves. Remove white outer leaves from lemongrass stalks. Mince remaining green part of lemongrass. Add all marinade ingredients to mixing. Mix with hands until well blended and beef cubes are well coated. Marinate for 30 minutes.
PREPARATION – STEW
Dice carrots, shallots, and tomato. Seed and mince chile. Dice Thai basil and mint. Add vegetable oil to large pot. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Oil is hot enough when a little bit of shallot starts to dance in the oil. Add marinated beef cubes. Sauté at medium-high heat until beef cubes turn completely brown. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Add shallot. Sauté at medium-high heat until shallot softens.
Add tomato, chile, cinnamon stick, kaffir leaves, and star anise. Stir until well blended. Add coconut water. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Stir until well blended. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add carrot. Simmer for 30 minutes more or until beef cubes and carrot become tender. Remove cinnamon stick, kaffir lime leaves, and star anise pods. Garnish with Thai basil and mint.
1) The Western Roman Empire fell in 476.
2) Too many barbarian armies attacked Rome for its vast supply of eggs.
3) The barbarians loved to eat Pionono.
4) For every single meal.
5) This meant they needed Rome’s eggs.
6) Rome had lots of eggs and chickens. All civilizations have them.
7) So, the invading hordes destroyed Rome. The lands descended into anarchy.
8) With the collapse of Western Civilization, came the disappearance of the poultry industry.
9) Hardly anyone had eggs.
10) If word got out that you had a chicken ranch, cutthroat gangs would raid your lands and carry you off to lead a hard existence in some faraway land.
11) And you’d never eat another egg.
12) Not ever. And without eggs, you could never eat Pionono again. Who’d want to go through life knowing that?
13) Clearly, this was an untenable existence.
14) But would could be done?
15) As we all know, the gene that directs some people to chicken ranching, also makes them extremely poor fighters. These ranchers needed brave, sturdy fighters to protect them.
16) Indeed in the sixth century, strongmen emerged all over Western Europe to protect the chicken ranchers in return for eggs. This arrangement soon extended to all aspects of agriculture. This system became known as feudalism.
17) Now, no inventions occurred under feudalism as thinking stagnated. But hey, eggs.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS – PIONONO
4 eggs (2 hard boiled eggs later)
2½ tablespoons sugar (2½ tablespoons more later)
½ cup flour
2½ tablespoons sugar
⅓ cup sugar
⅛ teaspoon salt
no-stick spray
INGREDIENTS – FILLING
2 eggs, hard boiled
5 ounces ham
1 tomato
1 cup grated cheese (your favorite)
5 tablespoons mayonnaise
* = This is often made as a dessert. To do so, ladle dulce de leche over the rolled up pionono and substitute sweet ingredients for the above savory ones.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
electric beater
10″ x 14″ baking sheet
parchment paper
sonic obliterator
Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.
PREPARATION – PIONONO
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Separate eggs into yolks and whites. Add yolks and 2½ tablespoons sugar to medium mixing bowl. Whip yolks with electric beater until mixture becomes creamy. Add flour. Mix with whisk until well blended.
Add egg whites, 2½ tablespoons sugar, and salt to small mixing bowl. Whip until mixture until soft peaks form. Use electric beater set on lowest level to fold egg whites into yolk/flour mixture.
Spray baking sheet with no-stick spray. Cover baking sheet with parchment paper. Spray parchment paper with no-stick spray. (This makes removing the pionono easier late on.) Gently pour in the egg yolk/egg whites/flour mix onto the parchment paper. Level mixture with spatula. Make sure mixture reaches all the sides of the baking sheet.
Bakes 400 degrees for 8 minutes or until egg mixture turns golden brown and becomes spongy and flexible.. Use edges of parchment paper to remove egg mixture from baking sheet. Keep pionono or doughy/egg mixture on parchment paper. Cool doughy egg mixture by placing it on a damp towel. Gently roll up pionono and parchment paper. Surround pionono with damp towel. Let Cool.
PREPARATION – FILLING
While pionono cools, dice hard boiled eggs, ham, and tomato. Add all filling ingredients to 3rd mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
Gently unroll the pionono. Gently separate pionono from parchment paper. Use spatula to evenly and gently spread filling over pionono. Carefully and tightly roll up filled pionono. Carefully cut pionono into 6 pieces along its width. Serve to adoring guests. Use sonic obliterator on those who thought you weren’t gentle or careful. You don’t need such negativity in your kitchen.
TIDBITS
1) A black op is a clandestine, usually illegal, action launched by a government agency or private organization to wreak havoc on another country. These tend to be rather secretive affairs and never discussed on social media. Nope, neither before or after the operation.
2) “Pionono is an anagram for “onion op.”
3) An onion op is a clandestine, usually illegal, action launched by a government agency or private organization to wreak havoc on another nation’s cuisine.
4) Typically an onion op will do something like inserting minced onion into every aspect of a nation’s dairy supply.
5) After a successful such op, the victim country will have all its milk taste like onion. Its buttered toast will taste like onion. Ice cream will taste like onion. Malts will taste like onion. Oh this is too horrible to contemplate any further.
6) Suffice it to say, this onion op would decimate the dairy industry forever. The effects then cascade to all other industries. The nation’s economy collapses.
7) The afflicted country would be ripe for take over. All the invaders would need to say is, “Our dairy products taste like dairy products. All you need do is to get them to reply, “We accept you as our new overlords.” And that will be that.
8) This recipe uses no onions.
9) So if someone cooks you this recipe and uses onions, he is a foreign agent trying to carry out an onion op on your homeland.
10) I thought you should know.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 12-ounce can Dr. PepperTM
3 tablespoons brown mustard
¾ cup brown sugar
5 pounds boneless or 5½ pounds bone-in ham
SPECIAL UTENSIL
slow cooker
Serves 8. Takes 4 hours 45 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add Dr. Pepper, brown mustard, brown sugar, and brown mustard to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Add ham. Turn ham until well coated. Poke holes in ham with toothpick or skewer. Add ham to slow cooker. Ladle Dr. Pepper mixture over ham. Cook on high for 2 hours 15 minutes. Turn ham over. Cook on high for another 2 hours 15 minutes. Slice ham while hot.
That’s it! That’s the length of the ingredients’ list. That’s the length of the preparation; just one paragraph, I love cooking. I find it therapeutic and satisfying. So, I sometimes love complicated and time-consuming dishes. But every one in a while, it’s such fun to make something simple.
TIDBITS
1) Ham is red. Dr. Pepper is reddish.
2) Mars is red.
3) Mars is a gigantic Dr. Pepper ham.
4) It was made in a huge slow cooker.
5) Mars has almost no atmosphere. Our Earth has quite a good atmosphere. We’re very proud of it.
6) So, it stands to reason air-breathing Martians came to our planet quite a long time ago.
7) How do we know this? We Earthlings eats lots of ham, just like the Martians. Also, we love MarsTM bars. QED.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 large avocados
6 ounces crabmeat
2 tablespoons minced bell pepper
2 tablespoons minced celery
2 teaspoons lemon juice
¼ cup mayonnaise
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon minced shallot or onion
4 leaves lettuce
6 olives
Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.
PREPARATION
Peel avocados and cut them in half lengthwise. Remove pits. Add crabmeat, bell pepper, celery, lemon juice, mayonnaise, pepper, salt, and shallot to mixing bowl. Mix with fork until crab mix is well blended. Shred lettuce.
Arrange lettuce evenly over 4 plates. Fill avocado hollows with crab mix. Top avocado halves with neat little mounds of remaining crab mix. Cut olives in half. Garnish each avocado half with 3 olive haves. Place filled-and-topped avocado halves on shredded lettuce.
TIDBITS
1) The early peoples of Central America subsisted on avocados. The tribes living along the Pacific coast of South America lived on potatoes. Naturally, no one likes to eat only potatoes or even just avocados. So, soon a lively avocado-potato trade developed. Then culinary ingenuity propelled these peoples into a golden age with the harnessing of corn into tortillas. Before long a brilliant mind, Chef Ozomatli, constructed the first potato taquito with guacamole sauce.
2) This golden age didn’t last. Robbers ambushed the potato and avocado traders. To meet this threat, the great Aztec empire arose around Mexico. Its armies threw volley after volley of avocado pits at the heads of the robber gangs until the thieves broke and fled. The Incan warrior, however, was invulnerable in his suit of potatoes. These innovations were enough to maintain the great empires until the arrival of the musket carrying, metal-armor wearing Conquistadors.
3) In desperation, local chieftains attempted to attack the Spanish fleets by making canoes out of gigantic avocados. Unfortunately, crabs ate these vessels as soon as they put out to sea. Resistance collapsed. Spain would rule this corner of the world for 300 years. This dish commemorates the destruction of the avocado fleets by the crabs. So some good came out of all this turmoil.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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