The Bean Burrito
Oh bean burrito,
Oh bean burrito,
You’re oh so neato.
You need no meato.
Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
American Dessert
INGREDIENTS
3 cups flour
½ teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
½ cup white chocolate flavored cocoa, or an extra ½ cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Makes 55 cookies. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
cookie gun (optional, it’s faster without it)
cookie sheet
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Preparation is easier if the butter is already soft. You can accomplish this by simply taking the butter out of the refrigerator an hour before you’re ready to start. (Or you can pretend you’re Rocky Balboa getting ready for a big fight and batter those butter sticks into submission with your fists of steel.)
Use whisk to blend flour, baking powder, and baking soda in a large mixing bowl. Set aside. Place butter, sugar, flavored cocoa, egg, and vanilla extract in another mixing bowl. Mix with hands or electric beater set on “cookies.” Gradually add in the blended flour mixture. Again, blend thoroughly. If you have a cookie gun or cookie press to make shapes, great. If not, roll dough into little balls 1″ wide. (Keep dough covered until ready to use in a batch.)Place dough onto ungreased cookie sheets.
Bake for 12 minutes or until golden brown. Let stand on cookie sheet for 2 minutes and then cool on wire racks for faster cooling. If you don’t own a wire rack, either let the cookies cool for a long time on the hot sheet or transfer them with a spatula to a cold plate. And who says you have to wait until the cookies are completely cold to eat them? Just as long as the cookies aren’t hot enough to burn your fingers or your tongue.
TIDBITS
1) Don’t try to go through airport security with a cookie gun. I just have a bad feeling about it. Does airport security like doughnuts as much as local police?
2) Britain invaded Afghanistan in the 19th century. Russia invaded it in 1980. Both countries got kicked out. Neither nation’s army carried chocolate doughnuts. However, America there in 2002 with 100,000 soldiers armed to the teeth with chocolate doughnuts. We’re still in Afghanistan.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Laundry
O pile of laundry.
O pile of laundry.
Lying securely in
The walk-in closet.
Walk out, laundry
I say, walk out.
Clean yourself.
Come back clean.
But the laundry
never listens.
Bad laundry,
Go to your room.
There will be laundry
Until we die.
Does life cause laundry
or does laundry cause life?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Poway, Vacation Getaway
Oh Poway! Oh Poway!
You’re such a vacation wowie.
You beat the pants off Maui.
With Your Lake Poway.
Paris just can’t compare
With our Old Poway Fare
Not even on a dare
Would I go over there.
Italy with its many grand plazas
Or Sinai with its teeming Gaza
Can’t beat Taco Bell’s enchilada.
For me, I’ll have Poway or nada.
Why go to Nice with its weather fair
Or to Moscow for a Russian bear?
Come to Poway, mon frère.
Enjoy our constant street repair
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Oh time machine!
Oh time machine!
When did you go?
I need you so.
I washed my clothes three days ago.
Then I forgot them so.
Now I must rewash them-o.
What a pain. Oh no!.
But with my time machine
I could go back two days
And put them in the dryer, eh?
And save the extra washing.
Bad time-machine use? Not at all.
Washing uses up all my Tide.
To get more detergent I shall
Find your house and break inside..
Sorry.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
My sons love Lego pieces
And I love my sons so.
And I love my nieces,
But I don’t love Lego.
Lego pieces, built to last.
They withstand such forces vast..
Quietly, they take our many blows.
But they hurt my shoeless toes.
They multiply. O how they multiply.
Are those more pieces that I spy?
I’ve sucked up millions with my vacuum.
Yet there are millions more, hence my gloom..
We could repave our streets you know
Coast to coast with crushed Lego.
They’d outlast our asphalt roads
Our kids would build them a la mode.
I can rhyme no more.
My foot hurts.
I’ve just stepped on a Lego.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
What if the Bacon & Chocolate Party actually influenced this presidential election? Remember the fuss in Florida in 2000? There were several analyses of who should have won that state. One had Al Gore winning by three votes. It’s entirely possible Bacon & Chocolate could get three votes in a state in November
Bacon & Chocolate – For a Tasty and Influential Tomorrow.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
First there was Governor Romney’s health-care legislation.
Then there was President Obama’s health-care act.
Now great news! Here’s
BACON & CHOCOLATE PARTY’S
Comprehensive AFFORDABLE CARE ACT >>>>>>>
Vote Bacon & Chocolate in November
For a Tasty Tomorrow
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Dear Bacon & Chocolate supporters, the sad fact remains despite our best non-existent efforts,
our glorious party hasn’t been able to raise vast sums of money for our campaign. Indeed, we’ve raised the negligible sum of $0.00. So, we are forming our own superpac.
B&C hopes to raise just as many millions as our main competitors, Mr. Romney and President Obama. As one of our brilliant cabinet members said, “Why not ask the pork producers?” Indeed, it is in their best interest to get us elected. Same goes for the chocolate makers.
I can hear you saying, “But won’t you beholden to the bacon & chocolate interests?”
We certainly will. But with cheap bacon & chocolate spreading o’er the land, who cares? With millions and millions behind us, Bacon & Chocolate cannot lose in November. Vote Bacon & Chocolate for a tasty tomorrow.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I want chocolate.
Give me all the chocolate
And no one gets hurt.
My sweetheart left me.
But he left the chocolate.
So, it’s all okay.
Oh my chocolate,
Wonderful gift of the gods,
You make the sunrise.
Milk chocolate and
Dark chocolate, yum, yum, yum
You’re the basic food groups.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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