Peeps(tm), those little chick and bunny-shaped candies, are incredibly popular, but Wanda Wunder wants to know:
Wanda Wunder #37
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Resolution #22
I, like many of you, endeavor to become a better person for the next year. How do we do this? By making new year’s resolutions.
And keeping them.
“I’ve never strayed from all I believe.
“I’m blessed with an iron will.
“Had I been made the partner of Eve
“We’d be in Eden still.”
– from the musical Camelot
Ahem.
Anyway, here are my new year’s resolutions:
1) Give up lutefisk.
2) Give up mushrooms.
3) Never murder anyone who blocks aisles in supermarkets with their cart.
4) Not even when a customer and a checker chat for ten minutes. Like today, for instance. They’re both alive because of the previous year’s resolutions.
5) Go to exercise classes twice a week.
6) Go to arts and crafts class once a week.
7) Learn a new word every day.
8) Forget a new word every day.
9) Take a positive attitude.
10) Especially with laundry. Always do my very best to make sure all my socks pair.
11) Accept my limitations and jettison resolution #9.
12) Read as many bath books as I can.
13) Limit my television watching to programs I like.
14) Say, “Bunny!” everytime I see a rabbit.
15) Same thing for cows.
16) Halve the number of hours I spend watching curling.
17) Never bring up at parties how Sweden got screwed at the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.
18) No matter how many times people bring up the topic.
19) Join the At Least One Egg Eaten in a Year Club.
20) Eat tacos.
21) Limit spending to the things that cost money.
22) Have tea with a rabbit.
23) Make my resolution last from now until the end of 2023.
There.
Wish me luck.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Is anything more soothing as a bunny eating a flower?
There’s one below.
Bunny! Because it’s in all our genes to say, “Bunny!” whenever we see one.
You need to see #31
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Billions of years* ago the first viruses appeared on Earth. (The very first one called herself, “Frieda.”) Hundreds of millions of years* ago, the first critters made their way on to land to dry off. 3.2 million years back, Lucy of Olduvai Gorge celebrated the very first sweet sixteen party for young girls. Sure, we’ve all evolved considerably since, but what has remained constant all that time? What does your DNA have in common with that of Frieda the Virus?
Just two things. They’re shown below.
* = Within two weeks, precision has its limits.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I know you’re cool, but are you flower bathbomb, frothy bunny bathbomb, and pineapple bath bomb cool?
.
Please let me know the things that make you super cool.
Thanks,
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Gourmet bunny
There’s a bunny outside my outside window! I have to watch it.
It likes to eat weeds. I like that it likes weeds.
Specifically, it prefers stray bits of weed that have been cut off by my weed whacker and have started to turn brown.
I have gourmet bunnies living out front in the hedge.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
½ tablespoon yeast
½ cup warm water
1¾ cups flour
¼ teaspoon salt (1 teaspoon more later)
1 pound beef chuck, round roast, or rump roast
2 garlic cloves
2 medium onions
9 dates. (If fresh, remove pits)
4 tomatoes
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (2 tablespoons more later)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup tomato sauce
¼ teaspoon aniseed
1 bay leaf
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1⅔ cups water
Serves 5. Takes 2 hours 20 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add yeast and ½ cup water to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until yeast dissolves. Let sit for 15 minutes. Add flour and ¼ teaspoon salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork. Make a small depression in the middle of the flour. Pour yeasty water into depression. Knead flour/yeasty water until you get a big, non-sticky dough ball. Cover medium mixing bowl and let dough sit for 1 hour.
While dough sits, cut beef into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves and onions. Dice dates and tomatoes. Add beef and 2 tablespoons oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until beef is completely browned. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Remove beef from heat.
Add 2 tablespoons oil, garlic, and onion to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add tomato paste and return beef. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Add tomato sauce, aniseed, bay leaf, cinnamon, cumin, pepper, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1⅔ cups water to pot. Stir. Add diced dates and tomatoes. Cover stew and simmer on low heat for 25 minutes.
While stew simmers, divide the dough into 8 small dough balls. Cover with damp cloth and let sit for 30 minutes. Gently add small dough balls to pot. Simmer at low heat for another 40 minutes. Stir occasionally and gently. Remove bay leaf and serve.
TIDBITS
1) Tukasu is a stew.
2) “Stew” is an anagram for “wets.”
3) It is also as anagram for “west.”
4) Culinary anagramists will note that stew can be rearranged to form the word “stwe.”
5) Stwe is rarely used in normal conversation.
6) Oh my gosh, there’s a bunny outside my office window.
7) Bunny wants me to tell you there’s no such word in the English. Not even in medical terminology. Which is why none of the medical TV shows even say, “stwe.”
8) Bunny also says it not a French word, a Dutch word, nor even one in Latin.
9) Why did Bunny help me with this information? Because I feed him carrots and raisins.
10) My fair city, Poway, is justly proud of its multilingual rabbits.
11) Another arrangement of stwe is “twes.”
12) Twes is the plural form of twe.
13) As in, “Shall I take two twes or just one twe to the party?
14) My word! I forget the anagram “stew.”
15) Every word is its own anagram.
16) Like “onion” is an anagram for “onion.”
17) Oh sure it’s blindingly obvious now, but did you know that before you got to tidbit 16?
18) If you know of any real anagrams for “stwe” existing in other languages, please inform me.
21) And I’ll pass on your discovery to Bunny. Bunnies devote nearly all of theirs life searching for rabbit and watching out for hawks. The only real pleasure rabbits indulge in their rare leisure moments is creating new anagrams or finding out about new ones. Bunny and I thank you in advance for your help and consideration.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I saw a new baby bunny today. It was munching away at weeds. It was so tiny. Surely, this is ample reason for celebration. So, I catered a feast for the Bunny Family.
BUNNY FEAST MENU
First course: carrot, delightfully broken into three pieces.
Second course: raisins, no sugar.
Third course: A beautiful leaf of romaine lettuce. It’s vivid greenness contrasts splendidly with the muted, nearby colors.
Fourth course: apple bits, a magnificent dessert to top off a memorable meal.
And why not? Today we celebrated a bunny’s first societal appearance. Three cheers, for the bunny debutante.
Don’t fret, I served Mr. Squirrel some rather yummy peanuts on his private table.
All in all, the wildlife and I enjoyed ourselves immensely.
Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Bunny Entree
INGREDIENTS
1 large carrot
½ Roma tomato
3 tablespoons raisins.
Serves a bunny family. Takes 5 minutes.
PREPARATION
Break carrot into 2 or 3 pieces. Dice Roma tomato. Do nothing to raisins. Place carrot pieces, diced Roma tomato, and raisins on separate flat surfaces. The separation of ingredients allows the bunnies to create their own three-course meal.
The best time for the bunny feast is just before dusk when it’s dark enough for our furry friends to feel safe and light enough for us to see.
TIDBITS
1) The Chinese dedicate every twelveth year to the rabbit. The Aztecs held that the Centzon Totochtin (say that quickly) are 400 rabbit gods who party all the time. They are the gods of drunks. Ancient Asians believed a rabbit lived on the moon with its friend the moon goddess. Nanabhozo was a Native American creator god who liked to appear as the Great Rabbit.
2) Crusader Rabbit appeared on early television as a force for good. The kindly Velveteen Rabbit appeared in books. Peter Rabbit delighted kids for decades.
3) However, we spurned the good lapins of literature for less savory rabbits. Brer Rabbit and Bugs Bunny were tricksters. To be fair, Bugs Bunny did promote war bonds during World War II.
4) Bunnicula, of literature fame, sucked juice from carrots while the movie, Curse of the Were-Rabbit showed these furry creatures to be other worldly.
5) Rabbits turned deadly in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. “That’s no ordinary rabbit.” 1972’s horror flick, Night of the Lepus treated viewers to thousands of mutated rabbits killing and eating the inhabitants of small towns along their Chicago. Spoiler alert, Chicago survives.
6) See? Even the nicest of rabbits can go rather bad without attention. Go to the library with your kids. Check out Peter Rabbit books. Do it today. Civilization hangs in the balance.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Oh my gosh. It’s Saturday already. I missed getting the advice on Friday. My excuses are:
1) Work took longer than expected.
2) I was helping a friend.
3) I dislocated my shoulder. (It popped back in this morning.)
So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice. As a bonus, it is untimely as well.
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ME asks: Should I focus my efforts on writing, jewelry making, art, accounting, or Amazon prime deliveries by dog sled? What will reap the greatest financial and personal reward?
Dear ME: The markets for writing, jewelry, making, art, and accounting are quite clogged with competition. Brilliant as you are, you must find a niche market that employs all your talents. Simply make artistic jewelry, then etch your novels on them. You will have to write small. Instead of books taking 423 pages, your magnum opuses will require 1,623 rings or 421 bracelets. This endeavor can’t fail to make you millions. Just imagine, a man gives his sweetheart a gold ring, platinum even. She oohs and aahs over the ring’s beauty. The man gets lucky. Next morning, she reads your wring. She becomes entranced, then she gets to the cliffhanger. She must read more. She pesters her man until she gets another of your rings. She loves this ring’s understated elegance and again loves your writing, as who would not? The man gets lucky once more. He sees a pattern. He encourages his love to ask for another ring. She eagerly agrees. Soon he has bought all 1,623 rings and they have 17 kids. You will have grossed $1,623,000 in sales to the energizer-bunny man. Naturally, he will have had to sell cocaine to pay for the rings, but maybe he was tired of his old job. Of course, you will be making so much money that you will need all of your accountant training to keep track. And yes, you should deliver all your novel jewelry by dog sled. The press will love it; you will get free publicity. The public will think the dog-sled delivery so cute that they will order your jewelry just to see the dog sleds come to their doors. These new customers will be hooked by your cliff-hanger writing and will buy and buy and buy. I don’t see a downside to this.
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MK states: I can’t… I just… can’t.
Dear MK: Yes you can. You need a chant, a mantra if you will, to give yourself a positive outlook. May I suggest chanting, “I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.” Changing your attitude doesn’t happen immediately. You must chant this mantra all day long no matter whether you find yourself in a stall in a public restroom, or positioning a dentist’s drill towards your patient in your office. Eventually, you’ll feel better. I guarantee it.
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MA asks: I can? I have always wondered if one synchronized swimmer drowns, why the other ones don’t too? Please advise…
Dear MA: The other synchronized swimmers better darn well drown as well or the team will receive horrible scores from the judges. How synchronized–gosh, synchronized is hard to spell– is it to have one swimmer drown and not the others? Not at all. It’s an all-or-nothing sort of thing, like the Three Musketeers motto of “All for one and one for all.” Those swordsmen certainly knew how to impress judges with their synchronized sword fighting. And for goodness sake, remember that judges don’t care in the slightest, if the drowning team member is saying “Good bye, cruel world,” having a heart attack, or offing himself for his creative independence. If you don’t immediately synchronize your routine to this extemporaneous event, you will get zeroes from the judges. Then you really will want to kill yourself. You might as well kill yourself in competition and leave this world in a blaze of glory.
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BRW asks: Relax . . . We’re all crazy. It’s not a competition. Is this true?
Dear BRW: It is certainly not true. Murders and terrorists thrive on the adrenaline and the notoriety they get from being the craziest. And they surely are crazy. Would they kill people if no one noticed? Heck no. They know the rule, “No style, no attention.” At one time, people considered pie throwers to be the craziest people. The world was at peace, happy even. The motion pictures took over and did the pie-throwing thing to death. Pie throwers were no longer deemed the craziest. People desiring the title of “Mr. Craziest” gravitated to murders. That worked fine for a while. Then other people joined in and just killing someone just wasn’t considered all that crazy anymore. So, people started offing people in larger numbers and more dramatic ways. This is all bad. This is where you step in, BRW. Come up with a non-violent activity that is even crazier than murder and terrorism. The news media will cover only you, the new King of Crazy. Soon those mass killers will seem suddenly so blah. No one will pay them any attention. The masters of mass murders will go home and sulk and stare at their ceiling for years at a time. The world will thank you for this. I see a Nobel Peace Prize in your future.
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LHH asks: What’s that crawling through your hair?
Dear LHH: That’s a great lyric for a song. Look what a great lyric and title, “Hey Children, What’s That Sound” did for Buffalo Springfield. He became a hit singer. Your lyric is also so so similar to Bob Dylan’s “the answer is blowing in the wind.” Mr. Dylan became incredibly successful. I’m confident that if you build a song around “What’s that crawling through your hair?” you too will become a superstar singer. Now the only fly in the ointment is that if you suffer from writer’s block and cannot think of additional lyrics. Should this happen to your, simply walk up to as many strangers as possible and ask them, “What’s that crawling through your hair?” I’m positive you’ll garner many rich and lengthy responses. In no time, you’ll have written your hit song. Go platinum, LHH!
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WK asks: I’ve submitted questions before but have never received a response. So what’s the point?
Dear WK: I have answered at least one of your questions. Please click on the following link, https://pauldelancey.com/2017/05/20/bad-advice-friday-1-may-20-2017/. Honestly, this question is almost enough to make me give you neutral words of wisdom, if not downright good advice. Be that as it may, you should never give up your quest for bad advice. Acting on bad advice provides the witnesses of your crazed activity with a welcome diversion from their boring existence. You know you haven’t been brightening peoples lives if you’ve never had to occasion to say, “Hey, watch me do this.” And if you haven’t brightened peoples lives, the terrorists win. My job is to provide you with a “watch me do this” activity, but I can only do so when you ask. Oh, and I blame missing any questions from you on plate tectonics.
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KGV asks: What is the proper etiquette when entertaining Russian spies in your office?
Dear KGV: I’m glad you used the phrase “proper etiquette” in your question. Good manners are always in style whether you’re holding the door open for your mother or entertaining spies bent on destroying your country’s democracy. Always be courteous. This means saying things like “thanks for coming,” “nice tie,” “what a beautiful dress,” “some caviar, perhaps,” and would you like some alone time in my communications room?” At no time should you broach unpleasant topics such as their invasion of the Ukraine or their support for that brutal dictator in Syria. That would be a faux pas. Word would get around or people would stop coming to your soirees. And wouldn’t that make you feel bad?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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