Suppose you simply must lose weight in the next two days. How is this possible you ask? I am glad you asked. I am here to help. The best thing to do is give up desserts for the next 48 hours. However, when desserts look like the following it is clear an alternative path to quick weight is needed.
May I suggest the following?
1) Do nothing. Your cells are busy doing all sorts of tasks. This takes energy. Making energy depletes your fat cells.
2) Brush your hair. Dandruff is excess weight.
3) Cut your hair. Hair is excess weight.
4)Dice an onion. Tears are excess weight.
5) Have sex. Bodily fluids are excess weight. Good aerobic exercise, too.
6) Worry a lot. Worrying uses up energy.
7) Weigh yourself in the morning. It’s been quite a while since you’ve eaten anything.
8) Visit the toilet before weighing. Which brings us to a great, sure weight loss method.
9) Get a colonoscopy. A proper colonoscopy is good for an easy six-to-eight pound loss. Be sure to set aside a full twenty hours before the colonoscopy for Toilet Day. Kinda gross, but are you dedicated or not?
10) Oh wait, wait, wait, this is critical. The weight reading on your scale varies considerably depending on where you stand on it and how you stand, upright or listing to the side. Indeed, if you do this simple trick well enough, you can eat all the yummy desserts you want and skip all those pesky suggestions above.
Bon appetit.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
