Posts Tagged With: toilet

Fun Festivals – Outhouse Races and More

On a roll

How many times have you had to run to the toilet? How many times has the toilet sped toward you? None. But it gets you thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if the scenery would change while you’re doing your business? Of course, it would. Look at the immense popularity of dinner trains or  cruises. People on these touristy getaways love to see the great outdoors slowly move by as they eat.

People on toilets are no different. They’d dearly love to see the outdoors move while they move their insides. Let’s face it, this isn’t going to happen with our indoor toilets. Doing so would require extensive structural damage to our home.

But it is possible with outhouses. Simply place the half-moon shed on runners or skis, get something to do the pulling, and Bob’s your uncle. Poetry in motion.

Why not make mobile outhouses fun and competitive?

You can at the Outhouse Races held during the Fur Rondy Festival in Anchorage, Alaska. Sure there are other outhouse races, but Rondy’s is the biggest. Go big or go home.

Would-be participants should know the rules. You need a port-a-potty. You need to put the pooper on a pair of skis. The port-a-potty must be structurally sound. It’s really no fun at all and most embarrassing to be in a exploding or collapsing crapper. Registration costs $100 per team.

Then decide if you wish to enter in the traditional or unlimited divisions. Are you an old-school race pooper or are you a visionary?

Go there. Have fun.

You got to move it, move it.

Register by February 22 to compete in this year’s race. Um no, unless you have a time machine. And if you really had a time machine, would you really use it to compete in an outhouse race? The bright side is, of course, that you have about 354 days to register for next year’s race. Mark the calendar. Don’t be caught with your pants down.

But wait, there’s more! Other events include:

Fur Rendezvous Royal Tea & Coronation
Alaska State Snow Sculpture Competition – (Carving)
ALL Alaska Native Fur Rondy Basketball Tournament
Sled Dogs Downtown
Frostbite Foot Race Bib Pickup
Curling Bonspiel
Rondy World Championship Sled Dog Races
Carnival
Snowshoe Softball
Frostbite Footrace and Costume Fun Run 8am
Ice Bowling
Grand Parade
Blanket Toss
Fireworks Extravaganza Party, Tickets were limited, but you missed it anyway.
World Championship Outdoor Hockey Tournament
Blizzard Bash Concert
Cornhole Ice Breaker Tourney
Family Skate / Skate with the Critters
Running of the Reindeer

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., and travel advisor

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: fun festivals | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Searching For Toilets: My Travels Through Europe

This book will be coming out on April 1st. Traveling around Europe is a lot like the cover. You can spend a lot of time looking for a public bathroom or even a restaurant with bathrooms for its customers. Yes, I’m looking at you Venice. But many Europeans cities are nearly as bad. And the restaurants and the cafes keeping wanting us to drink, yet they don’t let us pee there. And if you want water with your meal you have to pay for it. But be careful, where will you pee it out? Thank goodness for the U.S. of A. with toilets in every restaurant. USA! USA!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Surefire Two-Day Weight Loss Program

Suppose you simply must lose weight in the next two days. How is this possible you ask? I am glad you asked. I am here to help. The best thing to do is give up desserts for the next 48 hours. However, when desserts look like the following it is clear an alternative path to quick weight is needed.

HawPiRo-

VanilCu- BluebCh-

 

 

 

 

 

May I suggest the following?

1) Do nothing. Your cells are busy doing all sorts of tasks. This takes energy. Making energy depletes your fat cells.

2) Brush your hair. Dandruff is excess weight.

3) Cut your hair. Hair is excess weight.

4)Dice an onion. Tears are excess weight.

5) Have sex. Bodily fluids are excess weight. Good aerobic exercise, too.

6) Worry a lot. Worrying uses up energy.

7) Weigh yourself in the morning. It’s been quite a while since you’ve eaten anything.

8) Visit the toilet before weighing. Which brings us to a great, sure weight loss method.

9) Get a colonoscopy. A proper colonoscopy is good for an easy six-to-eight pound loss. Be sure to set aside a full twenty hours before the colonoscopy for Toilet Day. Kinda gross, but are you dedicated or not?

10) Oh wait, wait, wait, this is critical. The weight reading on your scale varies considerably depending on where you stand on it and how you stand, upright or listing to the side. Indeed, if you do this simple trick well enough, you can eat all the yummy desserts you want and skip all those pesky suggestions above.

Bon appetit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Loving Poem About Evil People

Evil People

Did Hitler start a global war
And form death-armies
Because he had to augur a toilet
One too many times?

Did Stalin starve millions,
Kill millions, imprison millions
Because someone ahead of him
in the ten-items-or-fewer line had eleven?

Did Pol Pot exterminate
one Cambodian in six
Because his laptop froze
That thousandth time?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul De Lancey, poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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