Posts Tagged With: toilet

Searching For Toilets: My Travels Through Europe

This book will be coming out on April 1st. Traveling around Europe is a lot like the cover. You can spend a lot of time looking for a public bathroom or even a restaurant with bathrooms for its customers. Yes, I’m looking at you Venice. But many Europeans cities are nearly as bad. And the restaurants and the cafes keeping wanting us to drink, yet they don’t let us pee there. And if you want water with your meal you have to pay for it. But be careful, where will you pee it out? Thank goodness for the U.S. of A. with toilets in every restaurant. USA! USA!

Paul De Lancey, Intrepid Traveler

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Surefire Two-Day Weight Loss Program

Suppose you simply must lose weight in the next two days. How is this possible you ask? I am glad you asked. I am here to help. The best thing to do is give up desserts for the next 48 hours. However, when desserts look like the following it is clear an alternative path to quick weight is needed.

HawPiRo-

VanilCu- BluebCh-

 

 

 

 

 

May I suggest the following?

1) Do nothing. Your cells are busy doing all sorts of tasks. This takes energy. Making energy depletes your fat cells.

2) Brush your hair. Dandruff is excess weight.

3) Cut your hair. Hair is excess weight.

4)Dice an onion. Tears are excess weight.

5) Have sex. Bodily fluids are excess weight. Good aerobic exercise, too.

6) Worry a lot. Worrying uses up energy.

7) Weigh yourself in the morning. It’s been quite a while since you’ve eaten anything.

8) Visit the toilet before weighing. Which brings us to a great, sure weight loss method.

9) Get a colonoscopy. A proper colonoscopy is good for an easy six-to-eight pound loss. Be sure to set aside a full twenty hours before the colonoscopy for Toilet Day. Kinda gross, but are you dedicated or not?

10) Oh wait, wait, wait, this is critical. The weight reading on your scale varies considerably depending on where you stand on it and how you stand, upright or listing to the side. Indeed, if you do this simple trick well enough, you can eat all the yummy desserts you want and skip all those pesky suggestions above.

Bon appetit.

– Paul R. De Lancey

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Loving Poem About Evil People

Evil People

Did Hitler start a global war
And form death-armies
Because he had to augur a toilet
One too many times?

Did Stalin starve millions,
Kill millions, imprison millions
Because someone ahead of him
in the ten-items-or-fewer line had eleven?

Did Pol Pot exterminate
one Cambodian in six
Because his laptop froze
That thousandth time?

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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