Author Archives: pauldelancey

Mauretanian Chicken Vegetable Stew (maru we-ilham)

Mauretanian Entree

MARU WE-ILHAM
(chicken vegetable stew)

INGREDIENTSMaruIlWelham-

3 chicken breasts
1 small cassava root
1 small eggplant
⅔ head cabbage
2 carrots
2 garlic cloves
1 large onion
1 pili pili pepper (or other red chile pepper or ¼ teaspoon cayenne)
4 tablespoons butter
4 cups chicken broth
1 bay leaf
2½ tablespoons Dijon or prepared mustard
2 cups rice
½ teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon salt

Makes about 12 bowls. You can make only 6 bowls by cutting the ingredients in half, but what will you do with that ½ cassava root and ½ eggplant that’s left over? E-Bay perhaps?

PREPARATION

Slice chicken breasts, cassava root, and eggplant into 1″ cubes. Shred cabbage. Cut carrots into ½” thick slices. Mince garlic cloves. Dice onion. Remove seeds from pili pili or other chile pepper and dice. Add butter, chicken cubes, garlic, and onion to large pot. Sauté on medium-high for 5 minutes or until onion softens and chicken starts to brown. Stir frequently. Add chicken broth. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low. Add bay leaf, eggplant, carrot, cabbage, cassava, chile pepper, Dijon mustard, rice, black pepper, and salt. Cover and simmer for 45 minutes or until rice becomes tender.

TIDBITS

1) Eggplant is important to Mauretanian cooking. This mighty vegetable figures prominently in other Saharan cuisines as well such as: Ivorian, Nigerien, and Burkinabe.

2) Why? Because in 1073 A.D., culinary warriors from the forgotten Saharan city of Aubergine started a war of conquest. The cleaver wielding Aubergine warriors could not abide the vegetable selections to be found in their newly added lands. So they imposed their eggplant on the Sahara. They diverted entire popultations to the production and harvesting of eggplant. Eggplant became a mandatory part of every meal. Over the years, the natives came to love the vegetable and wouldn’t think of dining without it. Gosh, I sure hope there won’t ever be any lutefisk-loving armies.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How to Outdraw Marshal Dillon

I love the old western series Gunsmoke. I enjoy testing my gun slinging skills with Matt Dillon at the start of  the show. The result is bad for the marshal of Dodge City. I’ve won everyone showdown except three. My secret?

Don’t try to draw first, even when standing your ground. You’ll waste precious moments deciding when to draw and when you do that you’ll find a lead bullet burrowing through your chest. And that’s a bummer. However, when you wait for the other fella to draw your reflexes will take over and you’ll clear leather first.

I got the idea the idea from scientist Niels Bohr and fellow Ph.D.* He loved westerns and enjoyed fake gunfights with his grad students. He won everytime using the above method.

There you have it. There’s no downside to this. The annoying stranger is dead, you’re alive, and he made for his gun first so the killing is in self defense.

And as always, have a nice day.

* = Unfortunately, we are not fellow Nobel Prize winners.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  gunslinger

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Helpful Cooking Tips, #1

 People often ask me, “Paul, how do you make your food so, so edible?” Well, in the interest of culinary advancement, I shall pass on my cooking tips to the world.

1) Food generally heats up quicker if you turn on the heat or plug in the oven.

2) You are allowed to turn the burner or toaster oven off after cooking.

3) A hard-boiled egg left unattended will explode.

4) You meal will take on a whole new taste if you confuse cinnamon with cayenne pepper.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Mosquitoes, The Future Doctors

 syringe

I heard on the radio that scientists are planning to rid the world of that dread curse, malaria! Hooray! What an admirable goal. Excelsior. But how are they planning to this?

By injecting mosquitoes with malaria resistant bacteria. Um, this presents problems to my mind.

1) How are they going to get mosquitoes to show up for their injections? I like to think I am rather smarter than a mosquito, but I still put off visits to the doctor.

2) What’s in for the mosquito? Injections are painful and let’s face it, how much street cred do we have with them what with one mosquito eradication campaign after another.

3) Mosquitoes are tiny. The needle to be used on the mosquitoes must be tiny indeed. How is any doctor going to give the mosquito an injection if he can’t even see the needle?

4) How do you find a suitable vein on the tiny mosquito, particularly if the critter insists on flying around the room?

5) How do we get the doctors to this public service? Is there a fund set up to do this? Does spending government money on injecting mosquito enjoy widespread public support? Witness the controversy over Obama’s health care plan and as far as I know he didn’t include even one dollar for injecting mosquitoes.

One final thought. Why can’t we inject the mosquitoes with vitamins, so that every time we get bitten by them we also get needed nutritional supplements?

Just saying.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  medical correspondent

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Ifisashi From Zambia

Zambian Entree

IFISASHI

INGREDIENTSifisashi-

1 pound unsalted peanuts
1 onion
2 tomatoes
½ pound collard greens
½ pound spinach
1 small sweet potato
2 tablespoons peanut oil
1¾ cups water
¾ teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

Makes 6 bowls. Takes about 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Chop peanuts into fourths. Dice onion and tomatoes. Dice or shred collards greens and spinach. Peel and dice sweet potato.

Add onion and peanut oil to Dutch oven. Sauté onion on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add water. Bring water to boil on high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to medium. Add peanuts, tomato, and salt. Cook on medium heat for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add collard greens, spinach, and sweet potato. Cook for about 15 minutes or until liquid thickens to a thick buttery sauce.

Ifisashi often is paired with nshima or cornmeal dumpling. Don’t panic over the nshima, ifisashi also goes well over rice.

TIDBITS

1) The sound of people snoring is often described as, “Zzzz..” Because of their pleasant climate, nighttime temperatures, and comfy beds, Zambia and Zimbabwe are the best places for pleasant, refreshing zzzs.

3) Indeed, The International Sleeping Association (IFA) awarded its highest honor possible to these two nations, the Order of The Z which gives the lucky land the right to rename themselves with a word starting with a z. Well done, Zambia, Zimbabwe.

4) Sad to say, in 1997 sleeping conditions in once restful Zaire deteriorated to the point that the IFA took away Zaire’s “Z.” This sad land now calls itself The Democratic Republic of the Congo.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #24, Resolutions

BadArtist24RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #1

I won’t eat any

Lutefisk, mushrooms, and haggis

No matter how tempted.

 

RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #2

I hereby resolve

Not to misplace my glasses

More than once daily.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bad Artist #23, Christmas

CHRISTMAS HAIKU #1BadArtist23

I will always know

Why this day is so special.

Thank you, Jesus.

 

CHRISTMAS HAIKU #2

Didn’t shop Walmart.

Christmas lights up for next year.

I must have been good.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cartoon, humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kedjenou (chicken stew from Ivory Coast)

Ivory Coast

KEDJENOU
(chicken stew)

INGREDIENTSKedjenou-

2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 eggplant
3 tomatoes
2 jalapeño or other hot peppers
3 garlic cloves
2 onions
3 tablespoons peanut oil
¾ cup chicken stock
1 bay leaf
1 tablespoon ginger
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon thyme

Takes about 2 hours
makes 8 bowls

SPECIAL UTENSILS

large oven proof pot or casserole dish with tight fitting lid
tin foil, if lid does not fit tightly

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Peel and cut eggplant into ½” cubes. Seed and dice tomatoes. Dice chile peppers, garlic cloves, and onions.

Combine all ingredients into large, oven-proof pot. Stir. Cover pot with lid. If the lid doesn’t make a tight seal, cover pot with tin foil and then the lid. DO NOT remove lid while baking. Bake at 325 degrees for 90 minutes. Use oven mitt to shake pot every 10 minutes to prevent chicken and other ingredients from sticking to the bottom and sides.

After the 90 minutes of baking has passed, check to see if ingredients are tender. If not, replace foil and lid, bake for another 30 minutes, and check once more for doneness. Again, use oven mitt to shake pot every ten minutes. Goes well with rice or attiéké, made from grated, fermented cassava. Attiéké can be found in African food markets.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe call for skinless chicken breasts.

2) It would have been exciting if one of the ingredients were shinless chickens.

3) I don’t know if chickens have proper shins.

4) Or even improper shins.

5) You need to wear shin guards if you play soccer.

6) This advice holds if you are human or a chicken.

7) Have you ever beheld a chicken playing soccer without shin guards?

8) No, I don’t think so.

9) Ivorians, people from the Ivory Coast, love to play soccer and often play in the World Cup.

10) They also love chicken.

11) So we can conclude they love to see chicken play soccer.

12) Of course, chickens can play soccer. Their tiny size enables them to dribble the ball easily through the legs of any defender.

13) And my gosh, chickens sure can head the ball into the net. Their brain is so tiny that concussions really can’t damage their intellect. And the best chickens can fly for up to  200 feet. They can indeed get to any ball in the air. One flick of the hen’s head and there’s another goal for poultry.

14) Ivorian chicken soccer is of the highest level.

15) Ivorian chickens would play in the World Cup except for the fact that the men’s national soccer team is still somewhat better than the poultry squad and a nation may only enter one team in the tournament.

16) Greenland’s human soccer team garners few victories and never qualifies for any international tournaments. The land’s chickens hatch from the shell with moves that would have put Pele to shave. One would think that the Greenlandic chickens might have a good chance for soccer fame.

17) Unfortunately, it’s a tough life for any chick yearning for soccer glory. Actually, it’s a short life. Greenland’s arctic freezes one chicken after another. Sure, they could survive playing indoor soccer, but as of press time, no Greenlandic municipality has budgeted for an indoor poultry soccer arena.

18) This isn’t so much of a concern for human soccer players, but Greenlandic chickens are terrified of being eaten by polar bears on their way from the coop to the indoor soccer arena.

19) An obvious solution would be to send Greenland’s soccer chickens to a country without a top-level human team, Albania for example. However, the process of navigating the bureaucratic mazes to get poultry visas to Albania has stopped everyone so far. We can only dream.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Vice President Doesn’t Like Me

 

Some time ago*, Joe Biden, the Vice President, of this august land sent me a post titled, “I’ve had it up to here.” I don’t know what I’ve could have done to upset him. I’ve never even met him. If someone teepeed his house, all I can say is that I didn’t do it. Sure I ran for the presidency back in 2012, as part of the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Sure I could have won. Sure, I could have taken enough votes away from the democrats for the republicans to have elected Romney. But I didn’t. Obama’s president and Biden’s vice president and I’m not and Candace Bowen isn’t the VP, and that’s that. We got over the election. I thought Obama and Biden could do the same.

And just when I thought it had all calmed down, I got the following post from the Vice President:

“Dig Deep, Paul”

Again, Joe, I protest. I didn’t do anything. If someone sent you a pizza to your home, I’m not paying for it. This is a typical college prank. I’m not digging deep.

My I suggest you calm down with a nice, cold root beer. Life’s too short.

* = I have no idea when. Indeed, the sequence of events might be off. Having a poor memory could be a good thing if I ever have to deny knowing anything.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  presidential candidate for the Bacon & Chocolate Party.

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Bad Artist#22, My Wish

BadArtist22

MY WISH HAIKU #1

May 2015

Be as wonderful to you

As you are to me.

 

MY WISH HAIKU #2

You brighten my life,

Friend, with everything you do.

I am so grateful

 

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cartoon | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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