Posts Tagged With: surveillance

Cut Rounds Revisited

British Dessert

CUT ROUNDS

INGREDIENTS

5 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour (1½ tablespoons more later)
¼ teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons softened butter
1⅓ cups buttermilk
1 tablespoon flour (so more later)
flour to dust rolling pin, about 1 tablespoon total flour to dust pastry cutter, about ½ tablespoon total

SPECIAL UTENSILS

baking sheet
2″ round pastry cutter or cookie cutter

Makes 15. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add baking powder, 3 cups flour, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix gently with fork until well blended. Cut butter in ¼ cubes. Fold in butter cubes.

Use fist to make a well in the middle of the flour. Pour buttermilk a bit at time into well. Knead gently with hands only until dough is sticky, but doesn’t stick to hands. (Use only as much butter as is necessary. Also don’t over knead.) Dust flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Add dough ball to flat surface. Dust rolling pin with flour as needed. Gently roll out dough until it is ½” deep. Use pastry cutter to cut out rounds. (This is why this dessert is called cut rounds.) Dust pastry cutter with flour as needed.

Place cut rounds on baking sheet. (Don’t let them touch.) Bake in oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until rounds have risen and tops have turned golden brown. Rounds go well with cream and jam on them. Or put cream and jam between two cut rounds. Use clotted cream if you can get it.

TIDBITS

1) Cut rounds are round. If the jam and the cream that often go inside them were replaced with surveillance devices you could conduct a 360˚ observation. In general, enemy countries are always on the alert for our eavesdropping. But no one would ever suspect a Cut Round. It’s so yummy. So, I propose that the CIA put cameras and listening devices in Cut Rounds and leave them wherever they need to glean foreign intelligence. You could ask the CIA if they already employ Cut Rounds, but they tend not to tell the public things as it is., after all, it is a top-secret organization.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cut Rounds

British Dessert

CUT ROUNDS

INGREDIENTS

7 teaspoons baking powder
3¼ cups flour (4 tablespoons more later)
⅓ cup milk powder
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup softened butter
1⅓ cups buttermilk
2 tablespoons flour (2 tablespoons more later)
2 tablespoons flour

SPECIAL UTENSIL

baking sheet

Makes 12. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add baking powder, 3¼ cups flour, milk powder, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix gently with fork until well blended. Rub butter into flour until you get tiny breadcrumbs.

Use fist to make a well in the middle of the tiny breadcrumbs. Knead gently with hands only until you just get a dough ball. (Don’t use electric beater.) If the dough is dry, add just enough extra buttermilk to make dough soft. Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Add dough ball to flat surface. Roll dough out into a log that is 3″ wide. Cut round log into 12 pieces. (This is why this dessert is called cut rounds.) Press pieces into a round shape ¾” thick.

Dust baking sheet with 2 tablespoons flour. Place cut rounds on baking sheet. (Don’t let them touch.) Bake in oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until rounds have risen and turned golden brown. Split rounds in half. (This is why they are sometimes called splits.) Rounds go well with cream and jam on them. Use clotted cream if you can get it.

TIDBITS

1) Cut rounds are round. If the jam and the cream that often go inside them were replaced with surveillance devices you could conduct a 360˚ observation. In general, enemy countries are always on the alert for our eavesdropping..

2) But no one would ever suspect a Cut Round. It’s so yummy. So, I propose that the CIA put cameras and listening devices in Cut Rounds and leave them wherever we need to glean foreign intelligence. You could ask the CIA if they already employ Cut Rounds, but they tend not to tell the public things as it is, after all, a top-secret organization.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You A Fast Food Dick?

Are you a fast-food dick? Do you make the help or other customers’ time in the fast-food restaurant miserable? Take this test and find out.

Do you:

1) Wait until you get to the head of the line to read the menu? (2 points)

2) Refuse to let someone else order when you can’t make up your mind? (1 point)

3) Bring in the all-you-can drink cup you got from your last visit so you don’t have to pay for a soda this time? (2 points)

4) Write a check? It’s no longer the 20th century. (1 point. 0 points if you can’t get a credit card.)

5) Ask if the food is fresh? (1 point)

6) Ask if the food is fresh if you see it coming out of a freezer? (2 points)

7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (3 points)

8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)

9) Order over forty dollars of food? (0 points. This is okay, just be aware people behind you will hate you even though this is not dickish behavior.)

10)Talk loudly into your cell phone all the time? (1 point)

11) Yell at the low-paid store employees? (3 points)

12) Insist on using expired coupons? (1 point)

14) Get got completely by surprised that you will have to pay for your order? ( 1 point)

15) Try to pay with your order completely with unsorted coins? (1 point)

16) Yell at someone for not speaking your language? (3 points)

17) Steal a bagful of ketchup, mustard, taco sauce, or other condiment packages? (1 point)

18) Cause the fast-food restaurant to stop leaving out condiment packages? (2 points)

19) Have kids shrieking all the time and do nothing to stop them? (2 points)

************************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a fast-food dick. Congratulations.

1-4 points: It’s still okay for you go into a store unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable.

5-8 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

9-12 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you enter any restaurant. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding shoppers, should you ever run up a score of nine or more points.

13-16: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before going into any restaurant. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze if you accumulate a score of thirteen or more points.

17+: You dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you enter any fast-food eatery. A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: are you a dick | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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