Posts Tagged With: Paul R. De Lancey

Paddle Their Butts, A Loving Poem

Posted on January 15, 2023 by pauldelancey

I don’t recall how many years I wrote this, in 2008 maybe, but my muse was surely angry.

Paddle Their Butts

AIG lost wellover $100 million.
AIG got $170 billion in bailouts.
AIG gave its top execs $170 million in bonuses.
Paddle their butts.

America is outraged.
We are losing our jobs.
We are losing our homes.
Paddle their butts.

When things well well, they kept it all.
When things went sout, we bailed them out.
Heads they win, tails we bail.
Paddle their butts.

AIG almost brought down the world’s finances.
AIG almost caused a world-wide depression.
The architects of this got paid $170 million.
Paddle their butts.

A good spanking might make future execs
think twice before raping the economy.
You can’t enjoy your riches with a sore bottom.
Paddle their butts.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Five Layer Chicken Florentine

Posted on January 14, 2023 by pauldelancey

Italian Entree

FIVE LAYER CHICKEN FLORENTINE

INGREDIENTS

FIRST LAYER – BOTTOM SAUCE

1 10.75-ounce can of cream of celery
½ cup mayonnaise
¾ cup grated sharp cheddar cheese
1 tablespoon lemon juice
⅛ teaspoon salt (⅛ teaspoon more in FOURTH LAYER)
⅛ teaspoon pepper
⅛ teaspoon Mediterranean rice spice
2 tablespoons rice vinegar

SECOND LAYER – RICE

½ cup rice
1 cup water

THIRD LAYER – CHICKEN

2 chicken breasts
2 tablespoon vegetable oil

FOURTH LAYER – TOP SAUCE

1 10-ounce package creamed spinach
½ cup milk
¼ cup grated Swiss cheese
1 small onion
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
⅛ teaspoon thyme
¼ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
⅛ teaspoon salt

FIFTH LAYER – BREAD CRUMBS AND CHEESE

½ cup bread crumbs
1 tablespoon butter, melted
¼ cup Parmesan cheese

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

Large casserole dish
Medium casserole dish
Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

The five layers are from bottom to top:

First: bottom sauce
Second: rice
Third: chicken breast
Fourth: top sauce
Fifth: cheese and bread crumbs

FIRST LAYER – BOTTOM SAUCE

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add celery soup, mayonnaise, Cheddar cheese, lemon juice, Mediterranean rice spice, ⅛ teaspoon salt, pepper, and rice vinegar to baking dish. Mix thoroughly with fork or whisk. Bake in large casserole dish for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. (You can save time by preparing the fourth layer and putting in the oven after you have put this layer in the oven.)

SECOND LAYER – RICE (Above bottom sauce)

Take 1 cup rice and cook according to instructions on package. Spread evenly over FIRST LAYER in large casserole dish when both are done.

THIRD LAYER – CHICKEN BREAST (Above rice)

While at the bottom sauce is baking and the rice is cooking, cut each chicken breast into 12 pieces. Add chicken and vegetable oil to non-stick frying pan. Sauté chicken on high heat for 10 minutes or until it starts to brown. Stir occasionally. Put chicken breasts on top of the SECOND LAYER of rice when all three layers are done. (Resist the temptation to drive to KFC.)

FOURTH LAYER – TOP SAUCE (Above chicken breast)

Dice onion. Add creamed spinach, milk, Swiss cheese, onion, Dijon mustard, thyme, coriander, poultry spice, and ⅛ teaspoon salt to medium casserole dish. Bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove and set aside.

FIFTH LAYER – BREAD CRUMBS AND CHEESE (Above top sauce)

After you have taken the casserole dishes out of the oven, and have placed the first four layers in order, spread the bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese evenly over the FOURTH layer. Pour the melted butter evenly, as always, over everything. Put the five layers in the large casserole dish back in the oven.

Bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. The sauce layers should be set and the chicken cooked through.

Grab a cold mug of root beer. Sip it slowly. Savor the taste. Grab the frying pan with your other hand. Use the pan to threaten anyone who complains about the wait for this dish. Then eat it all yourself. It’s great.

TIDBITS

1) Spinach was cultivated 2,000 years ago in Iran. Now, Iran may very well be contemplating building a nuclear bomb for dubious purposes.

2) The ancient Romans and Greeks cultivated spinach as well and never built a nuclear device.

3) So maybe we shouldn’t worry about Iran.

4) After all Popeye The Sailorman always consumed cans of spinach in times of crisis and always fought for the honor and welfare of his beloved Olive Oyl.

5) California produces half of America’s spinach.

6) Did Popeye’s spinach come from California?

7) Did Popeye ever marry Olive Oyl? I’d like to think so, even if they had to elope to do it.

8) I had a Yogi The Bear lunch box in first grade. I don’t believe I ever had Five Layer Florentine Chicken put in it.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Puff Pastry Quest Ended

Posted on January 12, 2023 by pauldelancey

$19

A previous post detailed all the obstacles that were in my way of getting puff pastry.

I set out the next morning grimly determined to succeed.

1) Disdaining all fears of falling off the edge of the edge, I drove farther west than before.

2) Smart and Final (Don’t you think that’s an ominous name for a store?) wasn’t carrying puff pastry.

3) I then went North Park Produce. (They carry all sorts of produce and many Middle Eastern items.) They had many packets of puff pastry. They even had French puff pastry!

4) Huzzah! Huzzah! I felt vindicated and more than a little proud of myself for my grit and persistance.

5) I bought two packets of plain puff pastry and of the French variety, because you never know.

6) I noticed that the next door Big Lots! store was closing in two days. 😦

7) Everything was 80% off. I bought all sorts of fizzy water drinks, carbonated and not, and coconut-water bottles. I purchased three cans and over 40 bottles for just $19.

8) So everything ended well. I was able to make three nice, big Australian meat pies for the natives.

9) All in all my quest was not quite the epic told in the Illiad, but it wasn’t far away from it either.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Chicken Kiev From Ukraine

Posted on January 11, 2023 by pauldelancey

Ukrainian Entree

CHICKEN KIEV

INGREDIENTS – SEASONED BUTTER

⅔ cup butter
½ teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon garlic salt (¼ teaspoon more later)
½ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1 teaspoon parsley
1 teaspoon tarragon
6 chicken breasts

INGREDIENTS – SMALL MIXING BOWL

2 eggs
1½ tablespoons water

INGREDIENTS – SHALLOW BOWL

¼ teaspoon garlic salt
1 teaspoon dill weed
½ cup flour
1½ cups bread crumbs
2 cups vegetable oil

INGREDIENTS – GARNISH

1 lemon
1 tablespoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Kitchen mallet
Kitchen scissors
toothpicks

PREPARATION OF SEASONED BUTTER

Leave butter out until it softens. 30 minutes should be sufficient. In small bowl, thoroughly mix softened butter, black pepper, garlic salt, and poultry spice. Spread mixture into 2-inch by 4-inch rectangle on aluminum foil. Freeze for about an hour or until firm.

PREPARATION OF CHICKEN BREAST

Make sure chicken breasts are thoroughly defrosted. You will be sorry when you have to flatten those chicken breasts if they are rock hard or even partially defrosted.

Cut chicken breasts into 6 pieces with your kitchen scissors (Snip! Snip! The scissors sound as if you’re giving someone a haircut.) or if you already have chicken-breast halves, cut them into 3 pieces.

Put chicken-breast sixths between two pieces of plastic wrap or wax paper. Pound away with your kitchen mallet until the entire piece of chicken is ⅛-inch thick. A thin piece of chicken is easy to roll up. It also cooks faster than a thick piece, so you’ll be less likely to dry out the outside of the chicken.

(Note: you are armed with two weapons of destruction, the mallet and the scissors. Don’t make this entree while feuding with your sweetheart.)

After butter hardens, remove it from the freezer and cut it into 12 equal-size pieces. Place one butter pat in the middle of each piece of chicken. Fold in edges of chicken-breast sixth and roll up to completely enclose seasoned butter pat. I suggest keeping the chicken rolls together with toothpicks.

Make seasoned flour by stirring garlic salt, dill weed, and flour together in another bowl. This bowl should be shallow or wide to make rolling chicken in it easier.

Make egg mixture by adding eggs and water to small mixing bowl. Mix well with fork. Put bread crumbs on small plate.

Smother rolled up chicken breasts in seasoned flour. Completely coat chicken rolls in egg mixture. Finally, cover chicken breasts all over with bread crumbs.

Heat oil in large skillet over medium heat. Put chicken rolls in skillet. Turn over after 4 to 5 minutes or after bottom of chicken is golden brown. Cook other side for same length of time or until outside is golden brown and the inside is completely white.

Remove oil by placing chicken rolls on paper towel. Transfer chicken rolls to large serving plate. Cut lemon into 6 slices and arrange slices around plate. Sprinkle parsley over chicken rolls.

(Let us hope your dinner guests appreciate how tasty this dish is and how much effort you put into making it. If not, menace them with your kitchen mallet and kitchen scissors until they do.)

TIDBITS

1) Ukraine, like other nations, is proud of its fast-food heritage. Some of its fast-food chains are: Domashnyaya Kukhnya, Pechiona Kartopolina, Potato House, Rostik’s, and McDonald’s.*

2) Kiev has a skiing hill located downtown. You take an elevator to get to the top.

3) Kiev was fifty times the size of London in the 1000s.

4) Kiev fell to the Mongols in 1240, who so thoroughly destroyed the town that the population fell to a few dozen. The Mongols meted out the same treatment to other cities they conquered.

5) In return, the Mongols have given us Mongolian beef. Not enough.

6) Think of how many cities the French emperor, and my great, great, great grandfather Napoleon 1st seized. Then ponder how many more entrees, appetizers, and desserts the French have given the world.*

7) * = I don’t know the status of Tidbits 1) and 2). As of press time, Putin has been savagely invading Ukraine for ten months.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Australian Meat Pie

Posted on January 8, 2023 by pauldelancey

Australian Entree

MEAT PIE

INGREDIENTS – FILLINGMeatPie-

2½ pounds chuck or round steak
2 onions
2 tablespoons olive oil
½ teaspoon nutmeg
½ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt (1/4 teaspoon more later)
¼ teaspoon thyme
4 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1½ cups beef stock
¼ cup water
3 tablespoons flour (2 cups more later)

INGREDIENTS – BOTTOM PASTRY

2 cups flour
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ cup butter (softened)
10 tablespoons water

INGREDIENTS – TOP PASTRY

1½ tablespoons milk
3-to-4 sheets puff pastry
1 egg
4 tablespoons ketchup

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Dutch oven
4 meat-pie pans with 5″ diameter or 3 pans with 6″ diameter

Makes 4 5″-meat-pies. Takes 2 hours 15 minutes.

PREPARATION – FILLING

Cut chuck into ½” cubes. Mince onions. Add onion and olive oil to Dutch oven. Sauté onion on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add meat, nutmeg, pepper, salt, thyme, Worcestershire sauce, and beef stock. Simmer on low heat for about 1 hour. Stir occasionally.

Combine ¼ cup water and 3 tablespoons flour in mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until you get a smooth, runny mix. Gradually add the flour/water mix into the Dutch oven. Stir with spoon until the filling thickens. Remove from heat and let cool.

PREPARATION – BOTTOM PASTRY

While filling is simmering, add 2 cups flour, ¼ teaspoon salt, and butter to a second mixing bowl. Blend ingredients with whisk. Add 10 tablespoons water. Remove dough and knead on surface dusted with flour. (Martian surfaces will work as well, but be sure to take along a space suit.)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Let dough sit for 20 minutes. Flatten dough with rolling pin. (A large can of soup will do. Plastic explosives are way too risky.)

PREPARATION – TOP PASTRY

Line pie pans with bottom pastry. Add filling to each pan. Moisten rims of pies with milk. (This helps tops to stick with the bottom pastry.) Place a sheet of puff pastry on top of each pie. Trim away the excess puff pastry. Press edges of puff pastry onto rims of bottom pastry with fork. Poke holes in bottom pastry with fork. Beat egg with whisk or fork. Glaze tops evenly and sparely with egg.

Bake pies at 400 degrees for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Spread ketchup over each pie. Enjoy a nice cooling refreshment. Press gang the least appreciative guest into cleaning up.

TIDBITS

1) Kangaroo is Australian Aborigine for, “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

2) Melbourne, Australia has the largest public tram system in the world.

3) Australia is three times bigger than Greenland. So it’s no surprise that Melbourne has a bigger tram system than Nuuk, Greenland.

5) Curly Howard of the Three Stooges said “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk” in many of his movie shorts.

6) The Denver Broncos quarterback often yelled out “Omaha” during plays all through the 2013 NFL season. Some people think he was promoting the city of Omaha, Nebraska.

7) Was Curly really trying to promote Nuuk, Greenland? That would be truly scary for Nuuk was called Godthaab until 1979 and Curly died in 1952.

8) Perhaps Curly had a time machine and visited modern Nuuk. We should all be grateful Curly did not use his time machine to achieve world domination.

9) If you had a time machine you could go back to the point when you had just cooked yourself a wonderful dinner and eat it. You would never have to cook again. You’d just keep going back to that moment and eat that delightful dish over and over again.

10) But then no one would ever need to buy food again. Millions of farmers would be out of business. They’d riot. Worldwide collapse would ensue. And Curly would say, “Nyahh-ahhh-ahhh!”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Long and Failed Quest to Buy Puff Pastry

Posted on January 6, 2023 by pauldelancey

The Holy Grail

I needed puff pastry to make meat pies. Just pastry. This was My quest. And keep in mind, I suffer from fatigue from the time I get up.

1) I went to Stater Bros. First, I went to buy flowers. No prices on the flowers. No prices on the shelves. An employee who was working there didn’t know. I did not buy flowers.

2) The store wasn’t stocking puff pastry.

3) I went to Sprouts. I couldn’t find it.

4) I asked an employee. He didn’t know  what puff pastry was. I had to spell p-u-f-f.

5) He then said they had cream puffs.

6) I asked two employees were chatting with each other. I was told they needed to check in and walked away.

7) I then went to WalMart.

8) The aisles were packed with people not looking where they were going.

9) Or leaving their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle.

10) I went to buy tomatoes. A woman was investigating every tomato.

11) I couldn’t find puff pastry.

12) I asked an employee. No real response.

13) I asked a second employee. She didn’t know what it was.

14) I had to spell p-u-f-f.

15) It’s a pastry, I said again.

16) Is it frozen or fresh?

17) I said frozen.

18) Then it’s probably in the frozen section.

19)  Frozen food is in the frozen section. Whoa.

20) I found puff pastry on my third pass of the frozen section. I found one. The last one. It was on the bottom shelf. Push to the back.

21) I went back to buying tomatoes. The same woman was still picking up tomatoes and examining them.

22) I bought a cluster of vine-ripened tomatoes instead.

23) They fell through my cart twice.

24) I went to checkout. I forewent the self-checkout because I don’t work at Walmart, and I want WalMart to hire people. And there were lines even on the self checkouts.

25) I tried to stand inline. But the lines stretched into oblivion because only a handful of the checkout stands were open.

26) So I tried to go to the gardening department to buy my puff pastry. Two employees were standing around. But the check out stands there were not open.

27) I went home.

28) I went on Amazon for delivery. Puff pastry would have been horrifically expensive what with the cost for the product, delivery fee, and tips.

29) And even then, I could not receive my puff pastry until 10 pm.

30) I tried seeing if puff pastry was available at Target.

31) Target kept insisting its closest store was 40 miles away.

32) I typed in my zip code.

33) It said the nearest store was in Minneapolis. Was that correct?

34) Finally, I got the site to acknowledge I do indeed live in Poway, CA.

35) I asked the site to check for puff pastry sheets.

36) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

37) Okay, I asked for puff pastry.

38) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

39) I typed in puff pastry again.

40) A major step forward. The site suggested Pepperidge Farm puff pastry sheets.

41) I clicked on that.

I just want puffed pastry.

42) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

43) The site then suggest another brand of puff pastry sheets.

44) I clicked on that new brand.

45) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

46) For sh*ts and grins, I looked at Instacart.

47) Same problem as with Amazon. Too expensive and no delivery before 10 pm.

Now I have no puff pastry and I’ve used up all my energy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Buttermilk Pancakes

Posted on January 4, 2023 by pauldelancey

American Breakfast

BUTTERMILK PANCAKES

INGREDIENTS

1 cup cultured buttermilk blend
4 cups water
3 cups all-purpose flour
¼ cup white sugar
¼ cup baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
4 eggs
½ cup butter

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

electric mixer

PREPARATION

Use “batter” setting on electric mixer, or beater, to combine buttermilk blend, water, eggs, and melted butter (You can, of course, buy buttermilk of using buttermilk blend, but your buttermilk will go bad if you don’t use it right away.)

Combine in a second large mixing bowl: flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Melt butter.(Use a mere fraction of an ostrich egg if chicken eggs aren’t available.)

Pour the contents of the second bowl into the first mixing bowl. Mix together with fork until just blended.

Fire up the griddle to 350 degrees. Use a 4-ounce or ¼ cup ladle to pour your batter onto the griddle. Cook for 1 3/4 minutes on the first side and for 1½ minutes on the second side or until brown on both sides.

Makes 22 6-inch diameter pancakes, enough for those neighbors next door so they’ll invite you over for one of their sauna parties.

TIDBITS

1) Buttermilk was originally the non-fat liquid left over after churning milk into butter.

2) Today, buttermilk is made by adding lactic-acid-producing bacteria, usually Streptococtus lactus . . . Oh gosh, I can’t go on. I googled “fun facts about buttermilk” and this is what showed up!

3) People drink buttermilk to soothe their stomachs.

4) But not before reading the expiration date on the carton.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Vote Bacon & Chocolate – Doughnuts

Posted on January 3, 2023 by pauldelancey

The unrelenting grimness and humiliation of Bacon & Chocolate Party from November’s election sobered up its leadership something considerable. I’m glad to say that we’ve learned from our mistakes and will move on. To glory.

We will now doing our campaign before the election and not after it was we have just done. Sure, that seems obvious now. But that’s all in the past. As indeed, is everything we’ve ever done.

Any way here is B&C’s first campaign promise.

Vote Bacon & Chocolate #2

Take that, mainstream parties.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wanda Wunder Wonders About Internet Addresses

Posted on January 2, 2023 by pauldelancey

Wanda Wunder #30

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cajun Hamburgers

Posted on January 1, 2023 by pauldelancey

Cajun Entree

CAJUN HAMBURGERS

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds ground beef
1 medium onion
1 teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
½ teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon thyme
½ teaspoon coriander
No-stick cooking spray
6 slices provolone cheese
6 hamburger buns

PREPARATION

Completely defrost hamburger meat. Mince onion in food processor. Preheat skillet to 350 degrees. Mix onion, paprika, salt, cayenne, poultry spice, cumin, thyme, and coriander on large plate. Form 6 hamburger patties. Coat both sides of the patties with no-stick spray.

Place the patties on plate and move them around until they are coated with spices on both sides. Place patties in skillet, gently turning them over every 1 minute, or until spices are blackened. Keep skillet’s lid on while frying.

This is a great dish if you wish to impress people at a barbeque or at an embassy if somehow you manage to get past the guards.

TIDBITS

1) I’ve never seen a Cajun hamburger, but if I were Cajun and was hankerin’ for a burger this is how I would make it.

2) Hamburg is a major seaport in northern Germany. A panhandler at its main train station kicked me in my shin when I declined to give him a handout. On the other hand, one of the city’s prostitutes smiled and said, “Have a nice day,” after I had said no.

3) I had Chinese food on that stopover in Hamburg. I couldn’t find German food near the train station. I went to Tijuana once with a friend. We couldn’t find Mexican food, so we settled for Chinese. What is it with Chinese food being everywhere? If I went to Beijing, would I only be able to find German or Mexican cuisine?

4) Provolone cheese is not really very Cajun. But its inclusion is in keeping with the theme of “Cooking with what’s handy.” I had provolone cheese, so I used it. Besides, it made a nice culinary contrast and complement to the Cajun spices.

5) Or maybe it is not too hard to imagine a French-Italian couple kicked out of Acadia, Canada by the English in the 18th century settling in the bayous of Louisiana sustaining themselves by selling Cajun burgers with provolone cheese.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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