My Long and Failed Quest to Buy Puff Pastry

The Holy Grail

I needed puff pastry to make meat pies. Just pastry. This was My quest. And keep in mind, I suffer from fatigue from the time I get up.

1) I went to Stater Bros. First, I went to buy flowers. No prices on the flowers. No prices on the shelves. An employee who was working there didn’t know. I did not buy flowers.

2) The store wasn’t stocking puff pastry.

3) I went to Sprouts. I couldn’t find it.

4) I asked an employee. He didn’t know  what puff pastry was. I had to spell p-u-f-f.

5) He then said they had cream puffs.

6) I asked two employees were chatting with each other. I was told they needed to check in and walked away.

7) I then went to WalMart.

8) The aisles were packed with people not looking where they were going.

9) Or leaving their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle.

10) I went to buy tomatoes. A woman was investigating every tomato.

11) I couldn’t find puff pastry.

12) I asked an employee. No real response.

13) I asked a second employee. She didn’t know what it was.

14) I had to spell p-u-f-f.

15) It’s a pastry, I said again.

16) Is it frozen or fresh?

17) I said frozen.

18) Then it’s probably in the frozen section.

19)  Frozen food is in the frozen section. Whoa.

20) I found puff pastry on my third pass of the frozen section. I found one. The last one. It was on the bottom shelf. Push to the back.

21) I went back to buying tomatoes. The same woman was still picking up tomatoes and examining them.

22) I bought a cluster of vine-ripened tomatoes instead.

23) They fell through my cart twice.

24) I went to checkout. I forewent the self-checkout because I don’t work at Walmart, and I want WalMart to hire people. And there were lines even on the self checkouts.

25) I tried to stand inline. But the lines stretched into oblivion because only a handful of the checkout stands were open.

26) So I tried to go to the gardening department to buy my puff pastry. Two employees were standing around. But the check out stands there were not open.

27) I went home.

28) I went on Amazon for delivery. Puff pastry would have been horrifically expensive what with the cost for the product, delivery fee, and tips.

29) And even then, I could not receive my puff pastry until 10 pm.

30) I tried seeing if puff pastry was available at Target.

31) Target kept insisting its closest store was 40 miles away.

32) I typed in my zip code.

33) It said the nearest store was in Minneapolis. Was that correct?

34) Finally, I got the site to acknowledge I do indeed live in Poway, CA.

35) I asked the site to check for puff pastry sheets.

36) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

37) Okay, I asked for puff pastry.

38) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

39) I typed in puff pastry again.

40) A major step forward. The site suggested Pepperidge Farm puff pastry sheets.

41) I clicked on that.

I just want puffed pastry.

42) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

43) The site then suggest another brand of puff pastry sheets.

44) I clicked on that new brand.

45) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.

46) For sh*ts and grins, I looked at Instacart.

47) Same problem as with Amazon. Too expensive and no delivery before 10 pm.

Now I have no puff pastry and I’ve used up all my energy.


– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on







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