The Holy Grail
I needed puff pastry to make meat pies. Just pastry. This was My quest. And keep in mind, I suffer from fatigue from the time I get up.
1) I went to Stater Bros. First, I went to buy flowers. No prices on the flowers. No prices on the shelves. An employee who was working there didn’t know. I did not buy flowers.
2) The store wasn’t stocking puff pastry.
3) I went to Sprouts. I couldn’t find it.
4) I asked an employee. He didn’t know what puff pastry was. I had to spell p-u-f-f.
5) He then said they had cream puffs.
6) I asked two employees were chatting with each other. I was told they needed to check in and walked away.
7) I then went to WalMart.
8) The aisles were packed with people not looking where they were going.
9) Or leaving their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle.
10) I went to buy tomatoes. A woman was investigating every tomato.
11) I couldn’t find puff pastry.
12) I asked an employee. No real response.
13) I asked a second employee. She didn’t know what it was.
14) I had to spell p-u-f-f.
15) It’s a pastry, I said again.
16) Is it frozen or fresh?
17) I said frozen.
18) Then it’s probably in the frozen section.
19) Frozen food is in the frozen section. Whoa.
20) I found puff pastry on my third pass of the frozen section. I found one. The last one. It was on the bottom shelf. Push to the back.
21) I went back to buying tomatoes. The same woman was still picking up tomatoes and examining them.
22) I bought a cluster of vine-ripened tomatoes instead.
23) They fell through my cart twice.
24) I went to checkout. I forewent the self-checkout because I don’t work at Walmart, and I want WalMart to hire people. And there were lines even on the self checkouts.
25) I tried to stand inline. But the lines stretched into oblivion because only a handful of the checkout stands were open.
26) So I tried to go to the gardening department to buy my puff pastry. Two employees were standing around. But the check out stands there were not open.
27) I went home.
28) I went on Amazon for delivery. Puff pastry would have been horrifically expensive what with the cost for the product, delivery fee, and tips.
29) And even then, I could not receive my puff pastry until 10 pm.
30) I tried seeing if puff pastry was available at Target.
31) Target kept insisting its closest store was 40 miles away.
32) I typed in my zip code.
33) It said the nearest store was in Minneapolis. Was that correct?
34) Finally, I got the site to acknowledge I do indeed live in Poway, CA.
35) I asked the site to check for puff pastry sheets.
36) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.
37) Okay, I asked for puff pastry.
38) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.
39) I typed in puff pastry again.
40) A major step forward. The site suggested Pepperidge Farm puff pastry sheets.
41) I clicked on that.
I just want puffed pastry.
42) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.
43) The site then suggest another brand of puff pastry sheets.
44) I clicked on that new brand.
45) The site showed dozens of bed sheets.
46) For sh*ts and grins, I looked at Instacart.
47) Same problem as with Amazon. Too expensive and no delivery before 10 pm.
Now I have no puff pastry and I’ve used up all my energy.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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