I saw this car sticker while walking around the clock and it gladdened me enormously.
It also pleases me to say, “Moo,” whenever I see a cow. I just that sort of guy.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Hi, gentle readers, people often ask me, “How I do I say, ‘Go feck yourself’ in French?
As always, I’m happy to address my readers’ concerns. Also, I’ve just come from an appointment for an MRI. Even though I’d booked the appointment a week ago online, the receptionists said they had no such appointment. I could, however, schedule an appointment for September 21. Unfortunately, my regularly scheduled appointment with my primary doctor is on September 16.
So this.
Just to remind you, just as Americans say, “Sleep with” instead of “I fecked,” the French use “Baiser,” or “to kiss” as their euphemism.
OK, tell the offending Frenchmen, “Allez baiser une vache.”
This is the polite way to tell him to feck a cow. However if you wish to be insulting, substitute the formal conjugation of “go” or “allez” with the informal “vas.” Use of the informal conjugation is reserved for listeners who are young kids, married folks, or your palpable inferiors.
So, if you aim to insult the French clod, say, “Vas baiser une vache.”
I hope this helps enhance your French vactions.”
À toute à l’heure.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been mean to someone. Moments later, the sky rains down cows. One of them lands on your foot. That’s karma. Or you foil a bank robbery by tripping the thieves as they head to their getaway car. Moments later, you find a shiny quarter on the sidewalk. That’s karma, too.
We all know what happens whenever you do something really evil and vicious. Two cows rain down on your head. Well all know this as CARMA. Don’t want that.
But what happens when you act really, really nice to some people? What happens then? Why you’ll receive a free, incredibly tasty taco.
If only there were a word to describe this wonderful type of karma. And now we have.
TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
TARMA
Awesome entry #42
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Clarabelle of Twenty Pines Farm is quite the talented cow. She can enter her nostrils with her tongue. Can you do that? I thought not, but I bet you wish you could.
When asked to talk about her bovine talent, the laconic Clarabelle said, “Moo.”
Clarabelle
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Resolution #22
I, like many of you, endeavor to become a better person for the next year. How do we do this? By making new year’s resolutions.
And keeping them.
“I’ve never strayed from all I believe.
“I’m blessed with an iron will.
“Had I been made the partner of Eve
“We’d be in Eden still.”
– from the musical Camelot
Ahem.
Anyway, here are my new year’s resolutions:
1) Give up lutefisk.
2) Give up mushrooms.
3) Never murder anyone who blocks aisles in supermarkets with their cart.
4) Not even when a customer and a checker chat for ten minutes. Like today, for instance. They’re both alive because of the previous year’s resolutions.
5) Go to exercise classes twice a week.
6) Go to arts and crafts class once a week.
7) Learn a new word every day.
8) Forget a new word every day.
9) Take a positive attitude.
10) Especially with laundry. Always do my very best to make sure all my socks pair.
11) Accept my limitations and jettison resolution #9.
12) Read as many bath books as I can.
13) Limit my television watching to programs I like.
14) Say, “Bunny!” everytime I see a rabbit.
15) Same thing for cows.
16) Halve the number of hours I spend watching curling.
17) Never bring up at parties how Sweden got screwed at the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.
18) No matter how many times people bring up the topic.
19) Join the At Least One Egg Eaten in a Year Club.
20) Eat tacos.
21) Limit spending to the things that cost money.
22) Have tea with a rabbit.
23) Make my resolution last from now until the end of 2023.
There.
Wish me luck.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Billions of years* ago the first viruses appeared on Earth. (The very first one called herself, “Frieda.”) Hundreds of millions of years* ago, the first critters made their way on to land to dry off. 3.2 million years back, Lucy of Olduvai Gorge celebrated the very first sweet sixteen party for young girls. Sure, we’ve all evolved considerably since, but what has remained constant all that time? What does your DNA have in common with that of Frieda the Virus?
Just two things. They’re shown below.
* = Within two weeks, precision has its limits.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Bovine warrior
.
Praise to the noble cow.
Its flesh gives us beef.
Its hide gives us baseballs.
Its udder gives us milk.
What does the cow get from us?
A little bit of food in a small pen.
Artificial insemination.
Then we kill it with whirling knives.
Bovine silence can’t be good.
It’s thinking up something.
Chomping. Chomping. Plotting revenge.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Swedish Entree
INGREDIENTS
1¼ pounds round steak (½” thick or 8 slices)
2 yellow onions
1½ pounds brown potatoes
1½ tablespoons butter (1½ tablespoons more later)
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
1 bay leaf
1 cup beef broth
12 ounces dark beer
1 teaspoon parsley
SPECIAL UTENSIL
kitchen mallet
casserole dish
makes 8 bowls
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Pound steak slices until they are ¼” thick. Cut onions into thin slices. Peel and cut potatoes into THICK slices. Add 1½ tablespoons butter and onion slices to large pan. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until onion softens. Remove onions and set aside. Add 1½ tablespoons butter and steak slices to large pan. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until steak slices brown on both sides.
Add an initial layer of potato slices to casserole dish. Add steak slice. Add a layer of onion slices, then a layer of potato slices. Add some pepper and salt. Repeat steak/onion/potato sequence until all steak slices are used. (Note: there should be an equal amount of potatoes, onion, pepper, and salt above each steak slice. The topmost layer should be potatoes.) Add bay leaf. Pour beef broth and beer over top layer. Sprinkle parsley on top.
Cover and bake in oven at 375 degrees for about 1 hour or until meat is tender.
TIDBITS
1) There’s a museum in Stockholm, Sweden that houses a ship, the Vassa, that sunk in the 1600s. The shp didn’t get very far, sinking in the town’s harbor on its maiden voyage.
2) There is not, however, a muesli museum. I love how muesli museum is so alliterative.
3) But there is a Mooseum in Alabama. It’s Alabama’s only children’s museum to extol the cattle industry. And it’s interactive. Are there more children’s interactive cattle museums?
6) Swedes interact with cattle by eating hamburgers. Ketchup goes well with burgers . Swedes consume more ketchup per capita than any other nation.
7) Ystad, Sweden hosts the Cow Bingo festival. A cow gets led to a 9-by-9 field of squares. You bet on one of the 81 squares. If the cow poops on your square, you win. Watch out Las Vegas!
8) Sweden had a thirty-day February in 1712. Any cow born on February 30, 1712 would never have had another birthday.
9) Cows aren’t the only important critters in Sweden. Heck no! For years, the medieval town of Hurdenburg let a specially selected louse pick its mayor. If the louse crawled into your bread and stayed there, you were the town’s new leader.
10) Town chroniclers are frustatingly mute on how the Hurdenburgers picked the louse that would anoint their mayor. Maybe they had a better political system than our current one.
11) But maybe not. Maybe the louse-selecting system could have been corrupted. After all, any man wishing to be mayor could have stuffed his beard with all sorts of louse delicacies. That certainly given the candidate an advantage over his rivals.
12) Also, the system is inherently unfair to those civic-minded individuals who can’t grow a beard.
13) Today we vote to select our mayors, senators, and president.
14) Voting is not without its faults. It’s long, expensive, and prone to deceiving partisans ads on T.V..
15) The louse, however, cannot be influenced money, no matter how many millions you have.
16) The louse picks the mayor, etc., within minutes, a vast improvement over our apparently never-ending electioneering.
16) But way back when, Sweden’s Queen Christina, had a miniature cannon made, which fired tiny cannonballs at fleas. Resentful at this royal treatment to its insect brethren, lice everywhere immediately forever gave up all political participation.
17) Lice still like to crawl into people’s beards. Old habits die hard.
18) Drinking coffee is a fun habit. Swedes drink more of the caffeinated beverage than any other people.
18) If you ever go to Sweden for its ketchup and coffee, don’t forget to sample the country’s surströmming, fermented herring. The first day for selling this dish is the third Thursday in August. So mark your calendars and start planning that vacation.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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