cuisine

Chow Chow

American Appetizer

CHOW CHOW

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INGREDIENTS
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⅓ green cabbage or 2½ cups shredded
⅔ green bell pepper**
⅓ red bell pepper**
1 green tomato*
⅓ sweet onion
2 teaspoons coarse salt
¼ teaspoon celery seeds
¾ teaspoon mustard seeds
¼ teaspoon allspice
¼ teaspoon mustard powder
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes
¾ cup sugar
¼ teaspoon turmeric
¾ cup white distilled vinegar
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* = Substitute with green-colored heirloom tomato, tomatillo, or just-picked tomato
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 4-cup Mason jars.
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Makes 1¾ cups. Takes. 8 hours 40 minutes
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PREPARATION
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Shred, or coarsely chop, green cabbage. Seed and dice green bell pepper and red bell pepper. Dice green tomato and sweet onion. Add cabbage, green bell pepper, red bell pepper, green tomato, onion, and salt  to Mason jar. Cover and let sit in refrigerator for at least 8 hours. Drain liquid.
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Add celery seeds and mustard seeds to pan. Toast for 1 minute at medium-high heat or until seeds become fragrant. Stir frequently. Add allspice, mustard powder, red pepper flakes, sugar, turmeric, and vinegar to pan. Stir occasionally. Add cabbage/veggie mixture. Bring to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low-medium. Simmer for 15 minutes. Stir occasionally. Ladle contents into Mason jar. Leave ¼” gap at the top of the jar. It should keep for up to 6 weeks in refrigerator.
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TIDBITS
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1) Chow Chow is tasty dish. Chow Chow is also a type of dog. Do not confuse them. You might be wanting a dog for companionship only to find out that the dog you brought home was really relish. You could say hi to it, but it won’t respond. If, however, you made relish chow for chow chows and named it after  your chow-chow dog,”Chow Chow, you could sell Chow Chow Chow Chow’s Chow Chow Chow. This opportunity awaits you. Go for it.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Pappardelle with Wild Boar Sauce

Italian Entree

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PAPPARDELLE WITH WILD BOAR* SAUCE

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INGREDIENTS – MARINADE­
2 pounds wild boar* or pork shoulder, slow reared pork, lamb, venison, or duck
1 carrot
1 stalk celery (1 stalk more later)
3 garlic cloves (2 more cloves later)
1 small onion (1 large onion later)
3 bay leaves
1 tablespoon juniper berries
½ teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons peppercorns
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon sage
3½ cups red wine (1⅓ cups more later)
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* = Wild boar can be quite difficult to find nearby. It is also expensive online and you might be required more than you need. But if you can find it in your price range, please go for it.
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INGREDIENTS – SAUCE
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1 carrot
1 stalk celery
2 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 bay leaves
1⅓ cups red wine
¾ teaspoon salt
1¾ pounds (28 ounces) peeled tomatoes
1 pound pappardelle pasta
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SPECIAL UTENSIL
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sonic obliterator
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Serves 4. Takes 18 hours to marinate and 2 hours 45 minutes to cook.
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PREPARATION  – MARINADE
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Cut wild boar into ½” cubes.  Dice 1 carrot, 1 stalk celery, 3 garlic cloves, and 1 small onion. Add to all marinade ingredients to 1st large mixing bowl Mix with large spoon until well blended and boar cubes are well coated. Cover and let sit in refrigerator for at least 12 hours or 18 hours, if possible. Remove wild-boar cubes and set aside. Discard the marinade.
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PREPARATION – SAUCE
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When the time for marinating is 30 minutes from being done, dice 1 carrot, 1 stalk celery, 2 garlic cloves, and 1 medium onion. Add olive oil carrot, celery, garlic, and small-onion bits to large pot. Sauté for 2 minutes at medium heat. Stir frequently. Add wild boar. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium heat or until all sides are browned. Stir frequently. Increase heat to medium-high. Add 2 bay leaves, 1⅓ cups red wine, and salt. Cook for 10 minutes until the alcohol from the wine evaporates or until the amount of liquid reduces by half. Stir enough to prevent burning. Reduce heat to medium and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir enough to keep from burning.
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Add peeled tomatoes. Mix with spoon until well blended. Cover and simmer for 1 hour 30 minutes. Stir enough to keep sauce from burning. Add water as needed if sauce starts to disappear.
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When sauce is 15 minutes from being done, cook pappardelle pasta according to instructions on package. Drain pasta. Add pasta to pot. Mix with large fork until well blended. Zap unappreciative guests with sonic obliterator. You don’t need that negativity in your kitchen.
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TIDBITS
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1) Extroverts love parties. Introverts abhor them. They’d rather visit a dentist than go to them.
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2) Introverts avoid all types of people. Extroverts evade boring people.
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3) So extroverts and introverts have something in common! Let the great rapprochement begin.
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4) How?
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5) Have the social people hire the party shirkers as bouncers. The introvert bouncers will snatch bores and toss them into the hall; never out the window, that’s wrong.
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6) Anyway, the removal of the bores ensures a lively, party filled with bon mots and sparkling wit.
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7) In return the partyphobes get paid well and get a separate room equipped with a buffet and quiet dogs and cats to pet.
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8) Party-hating bouncers belong to the Fraternal* Order of Introvert Bouncers (FOIB).
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9) How do party hosts hire the FOIBs? After all, tossing guests into the hall could very well be illegal. (It certainly is if your bouncers throw the bores out the window. Again, I say don’t do this; the law takes a rather stern view about manslaughter and grievous bodily harm.)
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10) Sorry. Anyway, bore-hating hosts follow the following script when calling FOIB.
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Bore-hating host:: Hi. We’d like to hire three bouncers for our little soirée tonight. We’re serving Pappardelle with Wild “Boar” Sauce.
FOIB: Certainly, will “guests” leave by the window or by the door?
Bore-hating host: No, no, no window. The door will be fine.
Note: In jobs like this one, the ability the speak in quotes is a great, legal plus.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international, life tips | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Creamy Lemon Chicken

American Entree

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CREAMY LEMON CHICKEN

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INGREDIENTS
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1 lemon
1½ pounds chicken breasts
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup flour
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1 cup chicken broth
2½ tablespoons lemon juice
1¼ cups heavy cream
2 teaspoons parsley
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Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cut lemon into 4 slices. Cut chicken breasts in half. Cut chicken halves along their width to make thin cutlets. Rub pepper and salt evenly onto chicken cutlets. Add flour to mixing bowl. Dredge cutlets through flour. Shake off any excess.
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Add butter and olive oil to large pan. Use medium heat to melt butter. Swirl pan until butter and oil combine. Carefully add chicken cutlets to pan. Sauté for 4 minutes on each side or chicken turns golden brown on both sides. Stir enough to keep from burning.
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Remove chicken and set aside. Leave butter and olive oil in pan. Add minced garlic. Sauté for 1 minute at medium heat. Stir frequently Add chicken broth and lemon juice. Bring to boil using medium heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer. Add heavy cream. Simmer sauce for 3 minutes. Stir enough to keep from burning. Return chicken cutlets to pan. Ladle sauce over chicken. Simmer for 6 minutes or until sauce starts to thicken. Stir occasionally. Garnish with lemon slices and parsley.
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TIDBITS
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1) Q: Why did the creamy lemon chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side so it could wash off the heavy cream and lemon juice some oaf dumped on it.
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2) Culinary hygienists in France are currently giving chickens regular showers and towel drys to see if that improves poultry-product safety. There’s also evidence that, gosh darn it, chicken just like being clean. As culinary mystic Farine du Ble said, “Of course they wish to be clean. They’re just as vain as we are. The spirit of Helen the Chicken contacted me and told me so.” Now you know.
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­- Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, observations, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Persimmon Bread

American Entree

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PERSIMMON BREAD

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INGREDIENTS
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3 Hachiya persimmons
½ cup butter, softened
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
1⅓ cups sugar
3 eggs
1¼ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 cups flour
½ cup chopped walnuts
no-stick baking spray
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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food processor
electric beater
9″ * 5 ” loaf pan
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Makes 1 loaf. Takes 1 hour 55 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut tops off of persimmons. Scoop out pulp. Add pulp to food processor. Puree pulp. Add butter and vanilla extract to large mixing bowl. Use high setting on electric beater until butter becomes creamy. Add sugar. Use high setting until butter and sugar become thoroughly blended Add eggs. Use medium setting on electric beater until well blended.
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Add baking soda, flour, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Gradually add flour mix to the butter/sugar mix while blending with electric beater set on medium. Add persimmon pulp. Mix completely with electric beater set on medium. Fold in walnuts with spatula. This is the batter.
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Spray loaf pan with no-stick baking spray. Pour batter into loaf pan. Smooth surface with spatula. Bake for 1 hour at 350 degrees or until toothpick inserted into center comes out clean. Let cool for 10 minutes. Run knife or small spatula around loaf’s edge. Remove bread from loaf pan and place cupcakes on wire rack for 30 minutes or until cooled completely.
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TIDBITS
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1) Persimmon bread tastes great  It makes you so happy that you burst with get up and go. NASA’s scientist Carl La Fong theorized that the energy  in persimmon bread would make NASA rockets get up and go easily out of Earth’s gravitational field. But the persimmon-bread powered rocket got up and went out of the Solar System in just one week. Now no one knows where the rocket might be.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, science | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pumpkin Milkshake

American Dessert

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PUMPKIN MILKSHAKE

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INGREDIENTS
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3 graham crackers*
1¼ cups milk
3½ teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
1 cup pumpkin puree
3 cups vanilla ice cream
whipped cream (optional, or is it?)
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* = I’ve seen the amounts called different things. Here, a graham cracker is the entire individual rectangle that you pull out of the graham-cracker bag.
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SPECIAL UTENSIL
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electric blender
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Serves 4. Takes 15 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Add all ingredients to electric blender. Blend using milkshake, or middle, setting until well blended. Top to your heart’s content with whipped cream.
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TIDBITS
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1) Gasoline is incredibly popular. Every single day, millions and millions pull to the gas pump to fill up their cars.
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2) Pumpkin Milkshakes rival gasoline in popularity. In fact, there remains a colossal, untapped thirst across the width and breadth of this great land this soothing beverage.
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3) Indeed, Pumpkin Heaven(tm) has been monitory this pent up demand, merely waiting for sufficient capital to grow.
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4) And for many years now, Tiny Rhombus Oil(tm) has waited impatiently to expand, to take its place along the big boys, aka the Boys of Gas. So it was inevitable that the two companies would merge.
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5) As Tiny Rhombus Oil’s CEO, Carl La Fong said, “We’re proud to announce the inclusion of Pumpkin Heaven’s pumpkin milkshake to our gas pumps. Yes, we’re now able to service your motoring and dessert beverage needs. And oh,  don’t worry, gas and pumpkin milkshake will have their own separate nozzles. Thank you.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thanksgiving Dinner

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. This will be a relatively short post as I slept rather poorly last night and I am tired from the effort of so much cooking.

I made brined turkey breast, cranberry sauce, gravy, dinner rolls, creamy garlic mashed potatoes, pumpkin pies, and whipped cream. Number Two Son made stuffing. I’ll try to make pumpkin milk shakes tomorrow. No other cooking tomorrow as there are lots of leftovers. Again, best wishes to everyone.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, my life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Zereshk Polo Morgh (Barberry Rice Chicken)

Persian Entree

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ZERESHK POLO MORGH

(Barberry Rice Chicken)

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INGREDIENTS – SAFFRON BLOOM
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½ teaspoon saffron threads
⅓ cup hot water
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INGREDIENTS – CHICKEN
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1 large onion
½ red bell pepper
3 pounds bone-in chicken pieces (breast, thighs, or legs)
2 teaspoons saffron bloom (obtained below in preparation, 4 more tablespoons later)
½ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon turmeric
2 tablespoons butter
1½ tablespoons olive oil (3 tablespoons more later)
1 tablespoon olive oil (2 tablespoons more later)
¾ teaspoon advieh* (Persian spice mix) or coriander
2 tablespoons tomato paste
2 tablespoons saffron bloom (obtained below in preparation, 2 more tablespoons later)
1⅔ cups water
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INGREDIENTS – BARBERRY RICE
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1 cup dried barberries*
1⅔ cups long-grain rice or basmati rice
2 tablespoons saffron bloom (obtained below in preparation)
1 tablespoon butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
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* = May be obtained at Middle Eastern supermarkets or online.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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Dutch oven
rice cooker
colander
4 ramekins or cups
sonic obliterator
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Serves 4. Takes 2 hours.
PREPARATION – SAFFRON BLOOM
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Add saffron threads to 1st small mixing bowl. Use fingers to crush saffron threads. Add crushed saffron to small bowl. Pour ⅓ cup hot water on crushed saffron. Let steep for 10 minutes or until liquid turns deep orange.
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PREPARATION – CHICKEN
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Dice onion and red bell pepper. Add chicken pieces, 2 teaspoons saffron bloom, pepper, salt, and turmeric to large mixing bowl. Turn chicken parts over until thoroughly coated. Marinate in refrigerator for 20 minutes. Add marinated chicken, 2 tablespoons butter, and 1½ tablespoons olive oil to Dutch oven. Sauté for 10 minutes at medium-high heat or until chicken turns golden brown. Stir and flip occasionally . Remove chicken and set aside. (Keep remaining olive oil in Dutch oven..)
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Add 1 tablespoon olive oil, diced bell pepper, onion, and advieh to Dutch oven. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add tomato paste. Sauté at medium-high heat for 2 minutes. Stir constantly.
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Add 2 tablespoons saffron bloom and 1⅔ cups water to Dutch oven. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir frequently. Add back the set-aside chicken. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes or until chicken pieces become tender.
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PREPARATION – BARBERRY RICE
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While chicken simmers, While barberries sit, rinse rice in colander. Add rice to rice cooker. Cook rice according to instructions that come with rice cooker or on rice package. (You might need to cook in batches.) Add barberries to 2nd small mixing bowl. Add enough water to cover. Let sit for 15 minutes. Drain barberries in colander.
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Add 2 tablespoons saffron bloom to the barberries in the 2nd small mixing bowl. Mix with spatula or spoon until barberries become well coated. Add 1 tablespoon butter and 2 tablespoons olive oil to pan. Sauté at low-medium heat for 2 minutes or until barberries swell. Stir frequently.
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PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
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Fluff rice with fork. Add rice and sautéed barberries to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Fill ramekins with sauce from Dutch oven. Add a chicken to each guest’s plate. Place barberry rice next to chicken. Set ramekin next to chicken and rice. By all means, use your sonic obliterator on any oaf who gives you guff, any guff at all, about this creation of yours or if he arrives to dining table more than two minutes late.
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TIDBITS
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1) What if a man comes running toward you yelling, “Zeresk polo morgh?” Your frantic brain might think he’s saying, “I want to bury you in zucchinis.” That’s terrifying. Now if you know he’s saying “Barberry rice chicken,” you’d be less frightened. Okay, a man charging you shouting, “Barberry rice chicken” is still intimidating. Best to run away, but not as fast as when he wanted to bury you in zucchinis. So, never shout your country’s entrees while running toward someone or not.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

S’mores Latte

American Dessert

S’MORES LATTE

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INGREDIENTS
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½ teaspoon chocolate syrup (1½ tablespoons more latter)
2 tablespoons crumbled graham crackers
1½ tablespoons chocolate syrup
⅔ cup whole milk
⅔ cup espresso or strongly brewed coffee
1½ tablespoons mini-marshmallows
1 teaspoon chocolate shavings* (optional)
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* = Can be made using chocolate bar and grater.
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Serves 1. Takes 15 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Wet both sides of the mug’s rim with ½ teaspoon chocolate syrup. Roll mug  in crumbled graham crackers. Use hands to pat crumbled graham crackers to inside rim. Add 1½ tablespoons chocolate syrup and milk  to small pot.  Heat mixture using medium heat until nearly boiling. Stir constantly. Add coffee to mug. Add heated syrup and milk. Stir with spoon until well blended. Sprinkle latte with mini-marshmallows. Top with chocolate shavings.
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TIDBITS
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1) People love S’mores. People crave latte. So which is better in a head-to-head catchup, S’mores or S’mores Latte?  But first what is a S’more? A S’more consists of toasted marshmallows and chocolate sandwiched between two graham crackers.
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2) Which has the more toastable marshmallow? S’mores does. The large marshmallow used in S’mores lends itself better to toasting on stick over a campfire. The min-imarshmallows perform poorly here. S’mores – 1, S’mores Latte- 0.
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3) Do you have a campfire in your home? Probably not. S’mores – 1, S’mores Latte – 1.
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4) Do you want to go camping out in the creepy, crawly cold woods just to use a campfire? Probably not. S’mores Latte – 2, S’mores: -1.
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5) Which is better at fighting off a charging Tyrannosaurus Rex? I suppose you could hit the T-Rex with your S’more, but at best it’ll just stick to the fearsome beast, because of the melted marshmallows. Or, you could throw your hot S’mores into the monster’s eyes, blinding it for minutes while you make your getaway. S’mores Latte – 3, S’mores – 1. A convincing victory for S’mores Latte. Yay.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I am But a Simple Man

I am known for my simple ways. I cringe at every addition to our cell phones: additions that frequently turn out to be death by enhancement.

No, I like the simplicity of sunrises, kittens, and baking.

Baking involves measuring amounts of butter. The standard American stick of butter contains 8 tablespoons or ½ cup.

Fairly simple, right? But many recipes call for 4 tablespoons or ¼ cup of butter. The standard American butter stick does mark off every tablespoon. However, the wrapper for the butter is often off. So, when we cut the butter at what we think is ¼ tablespoons, we have actually sliced off maybe 4.23 tablespoons butter.

If only there were a simple way for simple souls to accurately measure 4 tablespoons of butter.

Now thanks to Land O Lakes(tm) I have butter sticks that measure 4 tablespoons.

A simple solution for a simple man, All is well. I am content.

An old-style 8 tablespoon stick is there for reference

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Çilbir (Turkish Eggs)

Turkish Entree

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ÇILBIR

(Turkish Eggs)

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INGREDIENTS
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2 garlic cloves
1 cup Greek yogurt or yogurt
¼ cup olive oil
1 tablespoon Aleppo pepper or red pepper flakes
4 eggs
3 tablespoons white vinegar
4 slices bread or flatbreads
1 teaspoon dill (optional)
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Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Mince garlic. Add garlic and yogurt to mixing bowl. Mix using fork or whisk until well blended. Add olive oil to pan. Heat olive oil at medium heat until a tiny bit of Aleppo starts to dance. Add Aleppo pepper. Cook at medium heat for 1 minute or until Aleppo pepper becomes fragrant. Remove from heat.
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Add enough water to pot to poach 4 eggs. Bring water to boil using high heat. Add eggs and white vinegar to pot. Poach eggs for 3 minutes or until the egg whites are cooked through, or until the eggs are done to your liking. While eggs poach, toast bread.
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Add toast to plate. Evenly spread the garlic/yogurt mix on the 4 pieces of toast. Use slotted spoon to transfer a  poached egg to each slice of toast (Let water drain from spoon.) Drizzle Aleppo pepper/oil evenly over the toast slices. Garnish evenly with dill.
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TIDBITS
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1) A horse is a horse, of course, of course. But who ever heard of a talking horse?
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2) “Çilbur!”
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3) Çilbur is Turkish for the name of this dish.
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4) It is also what all Turkish horses say. Turkish don’t neigh, they çilbur.
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5) The first Turk, Adlee Badem, to make this dish was quite pleased with it, and why not? But he didn’t have a name for it? How could he boast of it when it didn’t know what to call it?
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6) As luck would have, the exact moment Badem plated his entree, his horse said, “Çilbur.” “That’s a great name,” thought Adlee. Ever since then, we’ve all called this dish, “Çilbur.” Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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