cuisine

Simple Corned Beef 2

Irish Entree

SIMPLE CORNED BEEF 2

INGREDIENTS

6 russet potatoes
3 large carrots
1 large white onion
1 4- pound ready-to-cook corned beef brisket
½ head cabbage

SPECIAL UTENSIL

crock pot

Serves 6. Takes 8 hours using low setting on crock pot and 14 hours using high setting.

PREPARATION

Clean potatoes and carrots. Cut potatoes in two. Cut carrots and onion into slices no thicker than ½”. Add potato, carrots, onion, and corned beef to crock pot. You may need to cut the corned beef into smaller pieces depending on the size of your crock pot. Add water to crock pot until it covers the corned beef. If using low setting on crock pot, cook for 12 hours, possibly overnight. If using high setting, cook for 8 hours (or 2 hours per pound.) Either way, cook until brisket is tender.

Now that you have lots of time, let’s play tic-tac-toe.

 

 

 

 

 

45 minutes before corned beef is ready, cut cabbage into slices no thicker than ½”. (1 hour 30 minutes before if using low heat.) Add cabbage to crock pot. Add water until it covers the cabbage. Cook on high setting for about 45 minutes or on low setting for 1 hour 30 minutes or until everything is tender. Serve to adoring guests.

Tell your spellbound guests corned-beef takes 10 days to prepare. This, of course, is the do-it-yourself corned-beef version. You used ready-to-eat corned beef brisket. But you needn’t tell them that.

TIDBITS

1) Potatoes make great French fries.

2) They’re nutritious and a great source of calories too.

3) They grow in the ground where they can’t be seen by hungry, foraging armies marching back and forth across peasants’ fields.

4) On July 14, 1689 Madame Farine du Blé of Poulet sur Marne noticed invading Bavarians ransacking the granary of her neighbors, the Herbes, while leaving her own field of potatoes untouched.

5) This fact kinda excited the peasantry of France who relied almost exclusively on food for eating.

6) Frederick the Great of Prussia noticed this fact as well. He insisted that all the Prussian peasants plant potatoes.

7) And boy, those peasants were glad they did. Massive French, Austrian, and Russian armies crisscrossed the Prussian kingdom from 1756 to 1763 carting off all the wheat they could find. But the Prussian peasants didn’t starve.

8) Why? These farmers simply waited for the invading soldiers to leave, dug up their potatoes, and cooked them. And if the peasants also had the proper spices and deep fryers, they dined on papas rellena, Peruvian stuffed potatoes.

9) When individual peasants don’t starve, the country as a whole doesn’t starve. A well-fed nation can afford to feed its armies in the field. And those Prussian armies did really well earning both victory and survival at the end of the Seven Years War.

10) Prussia united Germany in 1871. A united Germany caused World War I. A united Germany caused World War II. Both wars were unarguably unpleasant.

11) So think about that when you are asked, “Do you want fries with that?”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Tofu Rice

Chinese Entree

TOFU RICE

INGREDIENTS

1 cup rice
6 hard-boiled eggs
3 garlic cloves
3 stalks green onion
1½ pound package extra-firm tofu
2 teaspoons rice wine vinegar
1 teaspoon sesame oil
⅓ cup soy sauce
1 teaspoon sugar
3 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper

SPECIALTY UTENSIL

Wok (If you have one.)

Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. Boil 6 eggs. Mince the garlic cloves. Mince green onion. Cut tofu into strips ½ inch wide. Cut these strips into ½-inch squares. Mix in bowl, rice wine vinegar, sesame oil, soy sauce, and sugar with whisk.

While rice and eggs cook, heat olive oil in wok or saucepan, preferably non-stick, medium-high heat. Sauté garlic and green onion. Add tofu, salt, and pepper. Cook until tofu is golden brown on both sides. (Pay attention or your tofu can dry out faster than your printer jams paper.)

Add sauce from bowl. Cook for a few minutes or until tofu absorbs the sauce. Serve with rice. Peel eggs and crumble. Cover plate with rice. Top rice with egg. Add tofu squares.

TIDBITS

1) I don’t how many times I accidentally typed “bowel” instead of “bowl.” Don’t worry; I corrected the two or three mistakes. Yes, those typos would change the recipes considerably.

2) China has over a billion people and is growing by millions each year despite having an official policy of one child per family. It sounds as if some couples are cheating. In feudal Japan, tax collectors took rice as payment. All sorts of meat substitutes are made with tofu. One of the best known is TofurkeyTM. This springs up in health-food stores around Thanksgiving and is surprisingly tasty and expensive.

3) Would there have ever been the first Thanksgiving if the Pilgrims and the Native Americans had to eat TofurkeyTM?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pan Fried Chicken Breast

American Entree

PAN FRIED CHICKEN BREAST

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken breasts, boneless & skinless, 5-to-6 ounces each
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
½ cup flour
1 teaspoon garlic powder
¾ teaspoon onion powder
1¼ teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley (1 teaspoon more later)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (ip to 3 tablespoons more, if necessary)
up to 3 tablespoons more, if necessary
1 lemon
1 teaspoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSILS

plastic wrap
kitchen mallet

Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Remove chicken breasts from refrigerator and pat dry with paper towels. Cover with plastic wrap. Pound chicken breasts lightly with kitchen mallet until they are ½” thick or thinner. Rub chicken with pepper and salt.

Add flour, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and parsley to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Dredge chicken breast through mixture in bowl. Shake off any excess. (Excess flour falls off in the oil, adding a burnt taste and look..) Repeat for remaining breasts.

Add 3 tablespoons vegetable oil to large pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat until a little bit of flour in the oil starts to dance. Add 2 chicken breasts to pan. Cover and fry chicken breasts for 2½ minutes or until bottom of chicken breasts turn golden brown. DO NOT move them. (Only lift a corner of a chicken breast to see if the bottom is golden brown. Use spatula to flip chicken breasts. Cover and fry for another 2 minutes or when new bottom turns golden brown as well. Remove breasts to plate and cover to keep warm. Add up to 2 more tablespoons oil, if necessary. Repeat for 2nd batch of chicken breasts. (The 2nd batch might take less time to cook.)

Slice lemon into 4 pieces. Serve each chicken breasts with a lemon slice Garnish each chicken breast with ¼ teaspoon parsley..

 

TIDBITS

1) The title of this dish pretty much tells us that chicken breasts are fried in a pan.

2) Or can we be so sure of this?

3) Sure, the picture to the right is indeed a pan.

4) But maybe, just maybe, pan here means something else.

5) “Pan” is a term used by drama and movie critics to denote harsh criticism of the artistic endeavor.

6) Indeed, Cal Porter’s*, Broadway play, Fried Chicken Breast closed after only one performance.

7) The very next day, the headline on Variety(tm) read, “All Critics Pan Fried Chicken Breast.”

8) Noted acid-penned critic, Farine du Ble called the play, “Fried Chicken Beast” and advised Cal Porter to stick to one-word haikus.

9) To this day, actors morn the quick closing of a play by eating Pan Fried Chicken Breasts. And this is how this entree got this name.

10) But wait, there’s another subtle explanation.

11) In ancient Greek mythology, Pan was the god of the wild, shepherds, rustic music, and great chefs. He had the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat. Yep, he was the original Goat Man.

12) Goat Man loved chicken as what Greek god didn’t?

13) Pan originally ate fire-burned chicken. This recipe involved herding chickens into a brush fire. This frustrated the hooves off Pan. When the blaze finally died, chances were all the chickens had to turned to ash. He’d throw himself down and beat the ground with his fists. This is the origin of the line, “Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.”

14) Plus Goat Man had to wait for lightning to strike the fields near his chicken. And you can’t really count on a lightning strike when you’re hungry.

15) Then happy mythological day, the god Prometheus** gave fire to us mortals. Zeus’s monopoly on fire went up in smoke. Petulant Zeus tied Prometheus to a rock and had an eagle peck away every day at the fire-donor’s liver.

16) Sure, that was bad for Prometheus, but fire was a positive boon to Greek cuisine***. We could now fry things. Pan started Hellenic cuisine off right with his Fried Chicken breast. Grateful Greek chicken diners called it Pan Fried Chicken Breast. So maybe this dish got its name this way.

17) * Cal Porter was Cole Porter’s distant cousin. ** Prometheus twin brother was Antimetheus. *** Fire was also a boon for Greeks wishing to stay warm on cold, like during wintry nights.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Southwest Potato Skins

American Appetizer

SOUTHWEST POTATO SKINS

INGREDIENTS

6 baking potatoes, not the itsy bitsy kind
1 green chile
4 garlic cloves
6 stalks green onion
1 tablespoon grated Parmesan cheese
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon dill weed
½ cup diced tomatoes
2½ cups shredded Four Mexican cheeses
¾ cup sour cream
4 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 12-ounce package bacon

4 tablespoons shredded Four Mexican cheeses

PREPARATION

Rinse potatoes. Bake potatoes according to instruction on bag; often about 50 to 60 minutes in oven preheated to 425 degrees. While the potatoes are baking, remove seeds from green chile. Cut chile lengthwise into 8 equal pieces. Mince garlic and green onion.

Combine garlic, green onion, Parmesan cheese, salt, paprika, dill weed, diced tomatoes, Mexican cheese, and sour cream in mixing bowl.

Slice all strips of bacon lengthwise into 8 equally long pieces. Separate small pieces of bacon in a no-stick frying pan. Cook at medium-high heat until all pieces turn crispy and turn golden. Stir frequently. Tilt the pan away from you so you don’t get splattered by grease. Be sure to monitor the bacon constantly. Bacon goes from a golden crispiness to charred ash faster than a politician forgets campaign promises.

Take bacon out and put on plate covered with a paper towel. Put a paper towel on top on the bacon pieces. Press down. This should remove much of the grease.

Remove potatoes from oven. Close oven door to save its heat for later. Cut baked potatoes in half lengthwise. Remove the inside white part until only ¼-inch remains all around the skin.

(For Pete’s sake, when your sweetheart asks you what plans you have for the white stuff, look him or her firmly in the eye for about five seconds and say with a strong voice, “I will make mashed potatoes with them. The mashed potatoes will be magnificent. Angels in Heaven will sing their praises. This speech works.

Do not! Do not say, “I don’t know. The recipe didn’t say.” Your significant other will not believe you. Harsh words will ensue. Your beautiful relationship will dissolve and all you will have left are these wonderful potato skins; which might or might not be sufficient compensation for the loss of your sweetheart.

Oh, and if after the spat, you write an apology do not start with, “Dear Sweatheart.”)

Meanwhile, back at the kitchen. Brush vegetable oil all over the insides and outsides of the potatoes. Spoon garlic/green onion/cheese/sour cream mixture into the hollowed out potato halves. Use no-stick spray on a baking sheet. Put filled potatoes on the baking sheet. Place sheets in oven. Cook at 450 degrees for 8 minutes.

Remove filled potatoes from baking sheet. Place green-chile strip, its inside part face up on filled potato. Place bacon bits on top of that. Sprinkle lightly with remaining cheese.

Have an ice-cold root beer and serve potato skins to adoring guests. (Assuming you didn’t alienate them to the point of leaving over what to do with the scooped out potato pulp.)

TIDBITS

1) A survey by Maple Leaf FoodsTM found that 43% of people would rather have bacon than sex.

2) Why not have both? Instead of lighting up a cigarette afterwards, try frying up a pound of bacon.

3) I suspect far less than 43% would prefer raw bacon to raw sex.

4) The Chinese have been salting pork since 1,500 B.C., and look how many Chinese there are.

5) People from India don’t eat any bacon or any pork and yet there are over a billion of them.

6) Still, Chinese outnumber Indians by about 300 million. So if you want a hot and heavy night, treat your sweetheart to a bacon dinner.

7) Oh, chocolates, flowers, and champagne don’t hurt your chances either.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Fiesta Stew

Mexican Entree

FIESTA STEW

INGREDIENTS

4 THIN boneless pork loin chops

2 avocados
1 jalapeno pepper
½ onion
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon lime juice
½ teaspoon sea salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
½ cup diced tomatoes
10 ounces queso quesadilla jalapeno (queso = cheese)
½ cup Crema Mexicana (sour cream)
¼ cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
¼ cup water
½ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes

SPECIAL UTENSILS

cooking scissors
Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut each thin pork loin into ½ inch squares. It is easier to do all this cutting with kitchen scissors than with a knife.

Mash the avocados thoroughly with a fork. (Make sure avocados are soft to the touch.) Ruthlessly remove stem and seeds from jalapeno pepper. Mince jalapeno pepper, onion, and cilantro. Crumble the queso quesadilla jalapeno. (There are no known tongue twisters that use the word, jalapeno.)

Add all ingredients to Dutch oven. Blend completely with fork or whisk. Cook stew on low heat for about 15-to-20 minutes. Stir occasionally. Cheeses should be completely melted.

TIDBITS

1) Pigs were first domesticated around 5,000 BC.

2) But beer was first brewed about 9,500 BC. Go, beer!

3) But it wasn’t until the last part of the twentieth century that packages of pork rinds AND six packs of beer were available in convenience stores.

4) At one time, some peoples used pig bones as weapons.

5) These civilizations lost out to ones using bronze swords.

6) Can you imagine Achilles and Hector fighting each other with pig knuckles?

7) Finally, pork’s myoglobin content is lower than beef’s.

8) I have no idea what that means.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Tzatziki Meatloaf

Greek Entree

TZATZIKI MEATLOAF

INGREDIENTS

⅔ cups plain yogurt (fat, not low-fat)
⅓ medium cucumber or ½ small or 1 tiny
¼ teaspoon black pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon sugar
4 teaspoons dill weed
1 garlic clove
2 teaspoon lemon juice
1½ pounds ground beef
3 large eggs
2 cups breadcrumbs
no-stick spray.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Peel the skin off the cucumber. It is optional to remove the seeds from the cucumber. This step, however, will make the sauce sweeter.

Peel the skin off the garlic clove. Cut up the cucumber into about eight pieces. Put the cucumber and garlic into a food chopper or food processor. Blend, chop, and process away until mixture is almost liquid.

Put the yogurt and cucumber-garlic mix into bowl. Add the salt, sugar, dill weed, lemon juice, ground beef, eggs, and breadcrumbs. Get a nine-year old to thoroughly mix this with his hands. (If you don’t have such a child in your house, knock on neighbors’ doors until you find such a kid.)

Spray baking pan with no-stick spray. Pour delightful meat mixture into baking pan. Put baking pan in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes or until meat is no longer pink.

Place slice of meatloaf on plate. Take a ladle and pour liquid from the baking pan on top of the meatloaf.

TIDBITS

1) My nine-year old son is listening to a Pokemon(tm) episode on the laptop while I’m trying to think up tidbits.

2) I’m not thinking well with this distraction.

3) There’s no Pokemon on the moon, is there?

4) Is that why astronaut Neil Armstrong landed there on July 20, 1969? Did American rocket scientists have a vision of America’s Pokemon future?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Tuscan Sunset Soup

Italian Soup

TUSCAN SUNSET SOUP

INGREDIENTS

FIRST BATCH

2 cups garlic bread
2 garlic cloves
½ avocado
½ green bell pepper
1 7 ounce can red beans
1 7 ounce can pork and beans
1 7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 15 ounce can condensed tomato soup
15 ounces water
½ cup grated Monterey Jack cheese
½ cup grated Romano cheese
½ teaspoon oregano
½ teaspoon chopped chives
¼ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon parsley flakes
⅛ teaspoon ground mustard
⅛ teaspoon tarragon

SECOND BATCH

½ pound ground turkey
⅛ teaspoon white pepper
⅛ teaspoon rosemary
⅛ teaspoon sesame seed
2 eggs

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Large soup pot or saucepan

PREPARATION

Cut the garlic bread into 1-inch cubes. Mince the garlic cloves. Remove the skin and pit of the avocado, and cut the yummy remaining part into ½-inch cubes. Mince the green bell pepper.

Add all ingredients listed under first batch to soup pot. Cook on medium heat. Stir frequently enough to keep soup from burning on the bottom before the top gets hot.

(Take a break to consider how beer saved the world.)

Use clean hands to mix second batch of ingredients: ground turkey, white pepper, rosemary, and sesame seed. Cook on medium-high heat. Transfer to soup pot after turkey meat changes from pink to white.

Add eggs after soup gets hot. Stir thoroughly with fork so eggs blend in. Cook on medium heat for 3 minutes. This soup is great.

TIDBITS

1) This was originally called “Paul’s Refrigerator Soup” as many of the ingredients came from my refrigerator, but it tastes so good that I went with Tuscan Sunset.

2) Garlic bread, in particular, was taking over the fridge and blocking the view of everything behind it.

3) The food behind the garlic would have spoiled and eventually mutated into all sorts of new life forms.

4) Who’s to say these life forms wouldn’t have evolved into ravenous carnivores?

5) So, I might have saved my family with this soup. And my goodness, it’s tasty.

6) The food of the ancient Romans was simpler. They were often called “porridge eaters” after the blandness of their cuisine.

7) In their defense, these Romans possessed no refrigerators.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Turkey Salisbury Steak With Pasta

American Entree

TURKEY SALISBURY STEAK WITH PASTA

.
INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
2 eggs
1 cup bread crumbs
½ teaspoon rosemary
½ teaspoon marjoram
½ teaspoon thyme
1½ pounds ground turkey
1½ tablespoons olive oil

4 tablespoons flour
2 cups chicken broth
3 teaspoons tomato sauce
3 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

½ pound little-shell pasta (or another variety, if you prefer.)
brick for keeping this cook book open to this page

Makes 6 to 8 Salisbury steaks.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Use hands to mix minced garlic, eggs, bread crumbs, marjoram, rosemary, thyme, and turkey in large mixing bowl. Form 6 to 8 patties.

Cook pasta according to instructions on package, or boil it for 5-to-7 minutes.

Meanwhile back at the range, pour oil into first of two frying pans. Add patties. Fry on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes on each side or until meat is no longer pink. Cover and keep warm.

While pasta and patties are cooking, add flour, chicken broth, tomato sauce, and Worcestershire sauce to another frying pan. Fry for about 5 minutes at medium-high heat, or until the sauce starts to boil. Stir frequently. Add cooked patties to this frying pan. Cook patties and sauce at low-medium heat for about 3 minutes.

Serve patties and sauce on top of cooked pasta. Yum.

TIDBITS

1) Salisbury steak was one of my favorites at the university cafeteria.

2) Liver and onions was my least favorite. They weren’t prepared well, so no one ever ate them. Well, maybe a few desperate vampires, but they usually dropped out of the university in their freshmen year due to most classes taking place in the daytime.

3) I rapidly learned never, NEVER, to eat the “Chef’s Surprise.” The only surprise about this dish is why people ever ate it. It was usually some gross dish that the chef had left over from the previous dinner. I owe my hold on sanity to forgetting the specifics of these meat masses.

4) On “Chef Surprise” nights, we usually ate at the University’s burger and hot-dog joint.

5) Pancakes at the university tasted well enough, but they were powerful hard to digest. I think some of them could have doubled as cannon balls.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Thai Burger Wrap

Thai Entree

THAI BURGER WRAP

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds turkey meat
1 medium carrot, about ¼ cup
3 stalks green onion
¼ teaspoon sesame oil
½ teaspoon chili powder
2 garlic cloves
½ teaspoon ground ginger
2 tablespoons smooth peanut butter
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ tablespoon peanut oil
¼ cup fresh cilantro
2 teaspoons mayonnaise

romaine or iceberg lettuce

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Mix all top ingredients thoroughly by hand. Make about 4 patties. Fry patties on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes, flipping them once. Wrap patty with a leaf of romaine lettuce. Wash hands before greeting dinner guests, likable or not.

TIDBITS

1) Steve Martin was a romaine-lettuce salesman appearing on a Saturday Night Live takeoff of Family Feud.

2) Thailand used to be called Siam. The musical, The King and I, was set in Thailand. The non-fiction book, on which it was based, is much more serious in tone.

3) Thailand was never conquered by the Europeans.

4) At one time, Thailand’s new army officers were required to master golf.

5) Golf is a good way to learn cussing.

6) There is no 6).

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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New From Yummy Brand – Taco Broth

Yummy Brand knows we like broth and have oodles of uses for it.

Yummy Brand knows we love tacos.

Yummy Brand asks why not have both?

Thank you, Yummy Brand!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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