Posts Tagged With: teachers

Misheard Lyrics of Traditional Scottish Folk Song

The haunting lyrics of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean” evokes feelings of deep sorrow. This sorrow derives from the fact the Pretender to the British Throne, Bonnie Prince Charlie, lies across the English Channel. Or perhaps someother body of water if had been struck with a feeling of wanderlust. Did they have Club Med(tm) then?

Or, a Scotsman is pining for his love, Bonnie, who for some reason took a cruise to the continent. As after the disastrous defeat at Culloden in 1745, the victorious English banned all support for Bonnie Prince Charlie. So, apprehended Scotsmen could say, “Why no, constable, I wasn’t singing about the Prince, I was singing about my lass, Bonnie.” And the constable would have to walk away.

And so goes the story for the correct lyrics.

But in or grammar school song time we heard, “My body” instead of “My bonnie.”

This turned the story into something existential and eerie.

The true lyrics are:

“My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
My Bonnie lies over the sea,
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

[Chorus]
Bring back, bring back,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.”

Eventually, our teachers told us that we were to sing “My Bonnie.” Of course, this made us sing “My body” even louder. We were ever so clever back then. The thought just struck me today that “My bottom lies over the ocean” would be hilarious as well. Apparently, I’m still as brilliant as I was back then.

And now the misheard lyrics:

Misheard lyrics #17

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Newton’s Four Laws of Motion

Space rat

All of us who stayed awake in high-school learned about Newton’s Four Laws of Motion. They are:

1) A body at rest remains at rest, or if in motion stays in motion at a constant speed in a straight line, unless acted upon by a force or Forest Gump.

2) When a body–or thing, it could be a beach ball or an intergalactic rat–is acted upon by a force, the rate of change of its momentum equals the force. Teachers lost many of students to sleep with this law, unless of course the young learners daydreamed about space rats fighting each other with lasers.

3) If two space rats exert forces on each other, these rats have the same magnitude but opposite directions.

4) A can of soda in a extreme state of agitation–from being thrown and kicked down the hall–will spray fizz all over when opened, unless the soda drinker tapped the can multiple times before opening it.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations, science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chicken Stew From Zimbabwe

Zimbabwean Entree

CHICKEN STEW

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds boneless chicken breasts or thighs
½ green chile
1 carrot
1 garlic clove
1 onion
1 tomato
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon basil
2 teaspoons parsley
½ teaspoon thyme
2½ cups chicken stock

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts into 3 pieces each and thighs into 2 pieces. Seed green chile. Dice green chile, carrot, garlic, onion, and tomato.

Rub chicken pieces with pepper and salt. Add chicken and olive oil to pot. Sauté at medium heat for 10 minutes or until chicken pieces are no longer pink on the outside. Stir occasionally. Remove chicken. Add green chile, carrot, garlic, and onion to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently.

Add basil, parsley, thyme, tomato, and chicken stock. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Add chicken pieces. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until chicken is tender. Goes well with rice.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe calls for ½ green chile. Stores don’t sell a half of a green chile. Not even if you ask nicely. But then you’ll have an extra half green chile that you don’t need and won’t need. So you throw it away.

2) But all our lives, religious leaders, civic leaders, teachers, and parents have all instructed us with, “Waste not, want not.” Yet here we are, wasting a half chile. This sort of conflict stresses us. It drives our slowly mad, unless we buy a carton of ice cream. Ice cream reduces stress. And, of course, we always eat the entire carton. So we never waste a single bit of cream. Now we are, “Wasting not, wanting not.” We can once again feel good about ourselves and be at peace with the world. There you go.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When My Family Stopped Ruling the World

Napoleon

200 years ago my great, great, great, great grandfather, Napoleon I, lost the battle of Waterloo. In doing so, he lost control of Europe, his position as emperor of France, and my birthright to rule France and intimidate the rest of the world. Bummer. But it’s fun to speculate what I would do if I were emperor. Let’s go! I’d:

1) Ban lutefisk. How how did we allowed this atrocity to go unchecked?

2) Abolish all Federal income taxes.

3) Impose imperial income taxes. We’re an empire now, remember?

4) Coffee trucks will cruise by the millions around all neighborhoods in the morning. This will increase productivity to an amazing extent, heralding in a new era of prosperity.

5) The Cubs will win the World Series. Imperial decree seems to be the only way to bring this about. Besides, Cub fans have suffered a lot.

6) Grade inflation will stop in schools. Teachers will get paid more. Bacon & Chocolate will be part of school lunches.

7) It will be illegal to advertise any story or post on the internet with, “You won’t believe” or “what happens next will shock you.

8) Twizzlers will become the world’s currency.

9) Tacos will be free everywhere on my birthday.

10) Computers will no longer freeze.

11) Spammers will be charged a penny for every person they spam. This will eliminate the need for income taxes. Yay!

12) People who don’t signal before they turn will spontaneously combust.

13) Air travel will be fun. Okay this last one is a stretch.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Emperor of the World

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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