How good are your survival skills?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
4 russet potatoes
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 garlic cloves
1 stalk green onion
½ small yellow onion
2 ounces diced green chiles
2 eggs
¼ cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
4 deli slices ham
4 deli slices turkey
PREPARATION
Wash potatoes. Bake potatoes at 425 degrees for about 50 to 60 minutes or according to instructions shown on bag.
While the potatoes are baking, put olive oil in frying pan. Mince garlic, yellow onion, and green onion. Put garlic, yellow onion, and green onion in frying pan. Sauté at medium high for about 3 minutes or until yellow onion is tender.
Also while potatoes are baking, boil eggs for 12 minutes. (Roger Bannister was the first man to run the mile in under four minutes with a time of 3:59.4. It is thus really cool to think how he could have left his kitchen, run the mile three times, and come back in time with 1.8 seconds to spare.) Cool eggs, peel off the shell, and mince the eggs.
Cut baked potatoes in two lengthwise. Put an equal amount of the sautéed mixture and the minced eggs on each potato half. Add half a ham slice and half a turkey slice to each potato half. Top each potato half with an equal amount of the grated cheese.
Put 8 fully assembled potato halves in the microwave for about 2 minutes or until cheese is completely melted.
TIDBITS
1) The Powegian Vacation Potato has a long tradition.
2) Where “long” is an hour. I was going on vacation and using up perishable ingredients.
3) My wife kept asking when it would be done. I had to say I didn’t know; it was a new recipe.
4) Everything is all right now. The dish came out well and I’m listening to my neighbor’s garage band. They’re quite good.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
But I don’t want to have organic baby, I’m a vegetarian.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 garlic cloves
2 stalks green onion
3/4 pound ground turkey
¼ pound ground beef
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
½ teaspoon onion powder
½ teaspoon sage
½ teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon thyme
½ teaspoon coriander
7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 cup water
1 package, or cube, beef bouillon
PREPARATION
Mince garlic cloves and green onion. Puree diced tomatoes.
Mix ground turkey, ground beef, garlic, green onion, cider vinegar, meat spice, onion powder, sage, basil, thyme, and coriander. Make 4 patties. Fry patties in frying pan on medium-high head. Do this for about three minutes on each side or until meat is no longer pink. Remove patties. (Take time to think clearly on economic issues.)
Add pureed tomatoes, water, and beef bouillon to the pan. Cook on medium heat and blend until bouillon is completely dissolved and mixture is thoroughly blended.
Return the patties to the pan. Spoon sauce over the patties and let the patties and sauce simmer for 5-to-10 minutes.
TIDBITS
1) The 19th century Dr. Salisbury inspired the creation of the Salisbury steak. This fascinating man believed people should eat hamburgers three times a day followed by a cup of hot water.
2) He also believed all food should be thoroughly shredded. The good doctor would have fallen in love with the CuisinartTM food processor I bought yesterday.
3) If I only had a time machine, I surely would go back in time and buy him his very own food processor. Because I’m not giving up my processor, even to a culinary hero.
4) Salisbury Steaks first became popular during the First World War since we were fighting the Germans and hamburgers were created in Hamburg, Germany. So hamburgers became unpatriotic for the duration of the war. War is all hell.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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Just one trial of bath salts can lead to intense withdrawal symptoms such as: physical weakness, shaking, insomnia, visual and auditory hallucinations, panic attacks, paranoia, extreme aggression, and suicidal behavior. Withdrawal symptoms are so nasty that the user often needs another dose to alleviate all these symptoms. Bath salts when put in a bath, however, relax tight muscles, soothe aches, and just overall calm the bather. Although I am loathe to rush to judgment, it does that the bathtub, not inside the body, really is the best place for bath salts.
So it truly was a pleasant surprise when a crook high on bath salts broke into a home in Vandalia, Oho and put up Christmas decorations. There’s no word whether the family appreciated enough this manifestation of the Yuletide spirit to offset the damage caused by the break in.
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Celebrate the drive and determination of the bath-salts burglar with this tasty American entire. It uses 1½ cups coarse salt, enough for even the most ardent salt enthusiast.
True, Thanksgiving won’t be another week or so, but if you look to this plucky fellow for inspiration, you’ll have more than enough energy to make another turkey on Thanksgiving day. You might even find yourself wanting to buy a Christmans tree to decorate. Don’t let Ohio Man down.
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INGREDIENTS – BRINE
1 gallon ice-cold water
2 bay leaves
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon peppercorns
1 teaspoon allspice
½ teaspoon mustard
1 teaspoon rosemary
1½ cups coarse salt
½ cup light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar
½ teaspoon thyme
8 pounds thawed turkey breast (for love of God, Montressor, the turkey must be thawed)
INGREDIENTS – COOKING TURKEY
¼ cup butter
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2-to-3 cups chicken broth
SPECIAL UTENSILS
really big pot, 8+ gallons, or turkey bag
spice grinder
large oven-safe pan or casserole dish
wire rack
meat thermometer
Serves 12. Takes 15-to-24 hours
PREPARATION – THAWING TURKEY
A large frozen item like a turkey requires at least a day (24 hours) to defrost in the refrigerator for every 5 pounds of weight.
If you are pressed for time, use this quicker defrosting method. Keep turkey in packaging and add it to a large pot. Cover turkey with ice-cold water. Let turkey sit in cold water for 30 minutes per pound. In this recipe, that would be 4 hours. Pour out water.
But the turkey must be thawed before cooking. Or there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
PREPARATION – BRINE
Crumble bay leaves. Mince garlic cloves. Grind peppercorns. Remove packaging from turkey and rinse in cold water. Add brine ingredients except turkey to pot. Stir until salt and sugar dissolve. Add turkey. Add ice-cold water as needed to cover turkey. Cover pot or close turkey bag and refrigerate for at least 12 hours but not more than 24.
PREPARATION – COOKING TURKEY
Remove turkey from brine and pat dry. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Put turkey in large pan. Melt butter. Brush melted butter onto turkey. Sprinkle pepper and salt onto turkey. Place wire rack in pan. Put turkey on rack. Put meat thermometer in thickest part of turkey. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 degrees. Bake for 2-to-3 hours or until meat thermometer reads 165 degrees. Baste with ½ cup of chicken broth after every 30 minutes of baking at 325 degrees.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 egg whites (2 entire eggs used later.)
3 tablespoons sugar
1 ¼ cups minced pineapple (no juice)
¼ cup pineapple juice
4 tablespoons flour
3/4 cup sugar
¼ teaspoon salt
juice from three limes
2 eggs
1 pie crust
PREPARATION
Combine 2 egg whites (The yolks from these eggs are not used here.) and 3 tablespoons sugar in bowl. Beat until thoroughly mixed. Set aside. Squeeze juice out of three limes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Heat crushed pineapple and pineapple juice on medium heat. Mix in 4 tablespoons flour, sugar, salt, lime juice, and two entire eggs. Heat and stir constantly until eggs are cooked and the mixture thickens. (The phrase “the plot thickens” is of culinary origin. Well, quite possibly.)
Pour pineapple mixture into pie crust. Make sure surface is smooth. Spread egg white mixture evenly over top. Put pie in oven and bake at 350 degrees for about 35 minutes or until top is golden brown. Take pie out to cool. If the hungry horde will let you, put the cooled pie in the fridge to chill. It’s okay if they don’t. It also tastes great warm.
TIDBITS
1) Jim Carrey’s character in the movie, The Truman Show, dreamed of going to Fiji. I have the identical map that adorns his wall in one scene.
2) Why is “fridge” spelled with a “d,” but “refrigerator” spelled without it?
3) Why is a bicycle feminine in French, but a bike is masculine?
4) The idea behind the FrisbeeTM came from pie tins.
5) “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.” – Mary Poppins
6) At one time British sailors were called “limeys” because they ate limes at sea. This was done to prevent scurvy.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
March 18: This entree honors a Romanian Minister of Parlement Bribing Voters with 60 tons of fried chicken
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You love fried chicken. Who else does? Your voters do. But the electorate doesn’t like you. Not much at all. How can you win the voters over to your side? Sure, you could promise them all sorts of things. But you’re a politician. The people don’t believe politicians’ promises. And they especially don’t believe you.
That leaves bribery as your only course of action. What sort of bribery? You can’t give all those people diamonds, too expensive. Cash would work. However, it’s too expensive. Bribing them with $10 of cold, hard cash will leave them cold. How about greasing their palms with $100 in paper currency. Yes, that would work. That would make the voters adore you. That would make them stampede the polling sites at six a.m. to check your box on the ballot. But tossing large bills at the masses simply is beyond your budget.
What to do? Bribe the voters with fried chicken. As mentioned above your constituents crave fried chicken. And a meal of chicken is so freaking affordable for the would-be vote buyer. Treat each and every voter to a bucket or meal of fried chicken and you’ll be elected in a landslide.
Our politician in Romania, Mr. Popescu, took this advice to heart. Florin “Chicken Baron” Popescu bribed voters with 60 tons–60 tons!–of fried chicken. It worked. The people voted him in as the leader of their county council. He used this position and name recogniton to secure election as a member of parliament in 2012. Alas, karma is relentless and law enforcement arrested him for bribery. Life can be hard.
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Celebrate the drive and determination of politico Popescu with this tasty American favorite. You might even find yourself fantasizing yourself winning a seat in the U.S. Senate. Just don’t get caught. Meanwhile, enjoy.
INGREDIENTS
4 chicken breasts, boneless & skinless
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
½ cup flour
1 teaspoon garlic powder
¾ teaspoon onion powder
1¼ teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley (1 teaspoon more later)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (ip to 2 tablespoons more, if necessary)
up to 2 tablespoons, if necessary
1 lemon
1 teaspoon parsley
SPECIAL UTENSIL
kitchen mallet
Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.
PREPARATION
Remove chicken breasts from refrigerator and pat dry with paper towels. Cover with plastic wrap. Pound chicken breasts lightly with kitchen mallet until they are ½” thick or thinner. Rub chicken with pepper and salt.
Add flour, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and parsley to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Dredge chicken breast through mixture in bowl. Shake off any excess. (Excess flour falls off in the oil, adding a burnt taste and look..) Repeat for remaining chicken.
Add 3 tablespoons vegetable oil to large pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat until a little bit of flour in the oil starts to dance. Add 2 chicken breasts to pan. Cover and fry chicken breasts for 3 minutes or until bottom of chicken breasts turn golden brown. DO NOT move them. (Only lift a corner of a chicken breast to see if the bottom is golden brown. Use spatula to flip chicken breasts. Cover and fry for another 2½ minutes or when new bottom turns golden brown as well. Remove breasts to plate and cover to keep warm. Add up to 2 more tablespoons oil, if necessary. Repeat for 2nd batch of chicken breasts.
Slice lemon into 4 pieces. Serve each chicken breasts with a lemon slice Garnish each chicken breast with ¼ teaspoon parsley..
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup water
2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
¾ teaspoon sugar
¾ teaspoon salt
2½ teaspoons active dry yeast
no-stick cooking spray
UTENSILS
bread maker
16-inch pizza pan
PREPARATION
Measure out the flour and set aside. Pour the water into the bread maker. If you measure the water before the flour, the flour will stick to the sides of the measuring cup. Not the end of the world, of course, but a minor disruption in The Force, nevertheless.
Add flour, water, oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. Do not put the yeast directly on top of the salt. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise. (“Ask not what your yeast can do for you. Ask what you can do for your yeast.”)
Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait the required time, probably a bit more than an hour. In the meantime preheat the oven to 400 degrees and liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan. Use this time to chop up any ingredients you’d like to add as toppings.
Take the dough out of the bread maker and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not possess a rolling pin, any food can will do as long as it is at least 6 inches tall. It is best to spray the can or coat it with a thin layer of flour before spreading the dough.
After rolling, let the dough sit and rise for 30-to-60 minutes.
Add toppings as desired to the top of the dough. Place in the oven. Bake at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. Ovens vary wildly in cooking times, so be sure to check after about 15 minutes and every few minutes after that. The cheese on top, a most likely ingredient for pizza, will go from golden brown to burnt in a few minutes.
TIDBITS
1) Egyptians used yeast more than 5,000 years ago.
2) Yeast is a tiny microorganism. My apologies to anyone named Yeast.
3) There are three types of yeast: baker’s, brewer’s, and nutritional.
4) The bread slicer was invented in 1912.
5) It’s getting quite difficult to buy bread that doesn’t have the evil high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient.
6) During General Grant’s siege of Vicksburg, Mississippi in 1863, the city’s supplies got so low that bread was made out of peas. It got moldy quickly and was universally considered to be gross.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
February 25: This entree from Brunei celebratesbrate a drunken man breaking into a Pizza Hut(tm) on this day to fry wings
You love Pizza Hut(tm). Who does not? You love chicken. Billions of people devour chicken. You want your chicken wings fried just the way you like it. But there’s that saying, “If you want something done right, you got to do it yourself.” Normally you’d fry your chicken at home. Alas and alack, you don’t can’t find your deep fryer or even a frying pan. Maybe you don’t have electricity or gas as you forgot to pay your utility bills. Certainly no electricity would cause the chicken wings in your fridge to go bad. Or perhaps your synapses aren’t firing today.
What to do? Most people, at this point, would look harder for the deep fryer and the frying pan. Most folks would get on the phone and use their credit card to pay their utility bills. The rest of us would make our way to a restaurant or fast food joint and order chicken.
Not so for our plucky hero. He thought outside the box. He broke into a Pizza Hut and used their kitchen to fry his chicken wings. Alas, the enterprising fellow found himself being arrested by the police. I don’t know if he managed to eat his chicken wings. Now, he thinks inside the cell. Life can be hard.
If only the drunken chicken-wing lover had enough money and patience to fly halfway across the world to Brunei, where there is a Pizza Hut, he could have eaten honey garlic barbecue pizza. But luckily for you, I have a recipe for this dish. It’s like the pizza served at the Pizza Hut in Brunei. And it has chicken as a topping! You can eat this tasty meal legally and in the comfort of your home.
INGREDIENTS – SAUCE
1 teaspoon cornstarch
¾ cup water
3 garlic cloves
⅔ cup barbecue sauce
¼ cup honey
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 chicken breast
1 large bulb garlic (about 12 cloves)
½ tablespoon olive oil (1 more tablespoon later)
INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY
2 green onions
1 pre-made crust (store bought or your own)
1 tablespoon olive oil
½ pound grated mozzarella cheese
½ tablespoon sesame seeds
SPECIAL UTENSILS
roasting pan or baking pan
pizza pan
sonic obliterator
Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.
PREPARATION – SAUCE
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add cornstarch and water to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork until cornstarch dissolves. Mince 3 garlic cloves. Add cornstarch/water blend, minced garlic cloves, barbecue sauce, honey, and soy sauce to pot. Bring to boil at medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Lower heat to low-medium and simmer until sauce thickens. Remove and set aside. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Add chicken cubes to pot. Stir until sauce coats chicken cubes. Marinate until garlic bulbs in next step are done roasting.
Cut off top of garlic bulb. Drizzle ½ table spoon olive oil onto bulb. Place garlic bulb on roasting pan. Roast in oven at 375 degrees for 30 minutes or until garlic starts to bubble. Remove and set aside.
PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
While chicken marinates in sauce and garlic bulb roasts, dice green onions. Remove chicken with slotted spoon. (This makes spreading the sauce much easier.) Brush crust edge with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Brush sauce evenly sauce over crust except for the edge. Squeeze out the roasted garlic cloves from the garlic bulb. Cut roasted garlic cloves into 3 pieces each. Sprinkle roasted garlic pieces over sauce. Add chicken cubes evenly over pizza. Sprinkle cheese over pizza. Bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes or until cheese and crust brown. Sprinkle pizza with green onion and sesame seeds.
Serve to adoring quests. Zap unappreciative ones with sonic obliterator
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 
Laughing Horse Thinks You’re Funny
And wonderful. Neigh
Hee! Hee!
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Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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