Posts Tagged With: God

Yoga Instructor on Men’s Vanity

Yoga Instructor knows that super inflammatory comments about a man’s appearance is who’s hitting on you can escalate to a dangerous  situation. So instead of telling the relentless oaf, “Hell no, you look like cat ick,” be like Yoga Instructor and say,

Yoga Instructor #10

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized, yoga instructor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sure Fire Hack to a Flatter Stomach

Face it, society puts a lot of pressure on us to look thin. Many of us are overweight, including me. How do we get thinner? By exercising and dieting.

But those options are hard, take a lot of time to see results, and frankly, not fun at all. If only there were a way to become thinner without any effort at all.

Now, there is such a way.

We only have to face the correct way from the moon and our stomachs will flatten.

IT’S THAT EASY!!!!!!!!

You may skip the following scientific explanation if you’re absolutely gung ho to go outside* and flatten your stomach

* * = You don’t even have to do this to thin your stomach. The moon’s gravitational field works everywhere you go. IT’S AMAZING!!

Anyway, the moon’s gravitational pull produces a tidal force. This force makes Earth’s oceans bulge out on the sides closest  and farthest to the moon. These ocean bulges are high tides. (You learn something every day.) Basically, the moon makes the Earth get fatter.

Science

So, how does this help our big bellies?

Face away FROM the moon* at night

AND

Face in the SAME direction as the moon in the day time.

IT’S THAT SIMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Do this all the time and people will be throwing themselves at your magnificent body, you Greek god/goddess you.

* = Admittedly, the moon is often easier to see at night.

And look!!! The man on the left is facing the incorrect way.  The SAME man on the right, however, is facing the correct way.

 

See?

PROOF YOU CANNOT DENY!!!!!

WATCH THE MOON AND GET THIN!!!!!!!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: proof you cannot deny, science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Meet My Future Self

­

I was cursing at my printer when Shazzam! someone looking a lot like myself  and dressed pretty much the same materialized to my left.

“What ho,” I said, “you look like me. Am I besides myself?”

“Hee, hee,” he said, “I see what you did there. In fact, I am you from the future. I’ve come to let you know what might happen to you, so you can prepare.”

I asked, “How far into the future?”

“Ten minutes.”

I shrugged. “Anyway, can you fix this fecking piece of crap computer?”

“No,” said future me (FM), “Printers hate me, will hate you, as much as they hate you now?”

I flipped off the printer. “You stinking lutefisk.”

“Indeed.”

I hung my head. “Life is hard.”

FM put a hand on my shoulder. Let’s say it was his right hand on my left shoulder. It could have been his left hand on my right shoulder. There’s a lot of freedom in the first draft.

While we waited for my blog self to stop ruminating, I tried cancelling the print order by all things, pressing the stop-printing thingy. It would not cancel. We tried going to POS 2000 printer icon on the desk top and clicking on stop print job. Bloody feck! Nothing happened. We tried turning the computer on and off. The printer remained frozen. We unplugged the printer and made a brief sacrifice to a Mayan monkey god.  Then FM plugged in the computer and rebooted. We managed to cancel the print job.

The printer peformed a number of noisy incantations to its evil master and spat a test page.

I looked at my future self and said, “It’s crunch time” as I clicked on print.

And then the familiar sound of a big wheeler downshifting on a steep infected the air around us as a page crumpled to its death.

We stared at each other and said, “I fecking hate printers.”

Synapses fired as I finally realized the full import of having future coming to visit. Coming to import life changing information.

“So,” I said, “What did come back in time to tell me?”

“Present Paul,” he said, “I braved temporal eddies to say . . .”

Beep! Poof! And like that he was gone. His ten minutes were up.

That’s the last time I time travel.

 

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, lifestyle | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Meet My Future Self

­

I was cursing at my printer when Shazzam! someone looking a lot like myself  and dressed pretty much the same materialized to my left.

“What ho,” I said, “you look like me. Am I besides myself?”

“Hee, hee,” he said, “I see what you did there. In fact, I am you from the future. I’ve come to let you know what might happen to you, so you can prepare.”

I asked, “How far into the future?”

“Ten minutes.”

I shrugged. “Anyway, can you fix this fecking piece of crap computer?”

“No,” said future me (FM), “Printers hate me, will hate you, as much as they hate you now?”

I flipped off the printer. “You stinking lutefisk.”

“Indeed.”

I hung my head. “Life is hard.”

FM put a hand on my shoulder. Let’s say it was his right hand on my left shoulder. It could have been his left hand on my right shoulder. There’s a lot of freedom in the first draft.

While we waited for my blog self to stop ruminating, I tried cancelling the print order by all things, pressing the stop-printing thingy. It would not cancel. We tried going to POS 2000 printer icon on the desk top and clicking on stop print job. Bloody feck! Nothing happened. We tried turning the computer on and off. The printer remained frozen. We unplugged the printer and made a brief sacrifice to a Mayan monkey god.  Then FM plugged in the computer and rebooted. We managed to cancel the print job.

The printer peformed a number of noisy incantations to its evil master and spat a test page.

I looked at my future self and said, “It’s crunch time” as I clicked on print.

And then the familiar sound of a big wheeler downshifting on a steep infected the air around us as a page crumpled to its death.

We stared at each other and said, “I fecking hate printers.”

Synapses fired as I finally realized the full import of having future coming to visit. Coming to import life changing information.

“So,” I said, “What did come back in time to tell me?”

“Present Paul,” he said, “I braved temporal eddies to say . . .”

Beep! Poof! And like that he was gone. His ten minutes were up.

That’s the last time I time travel.

 

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, De Lancey's Daily Deeds, lifestyle | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word, Lockiness

Sometimes words come about gradually. You hear them for a while before noticing and adopting them into your vocabularly. Sometimes your work or studies require you to coin a new word so as to avoid using a sentence over and over when the new bon mot will do quite nicely. And then sometimes, the world suddenly gives birth to a glorious, brilliant, and beautiful new word just as the Greek god Zeus gave birth to the wise, powerful, and beautiful goddess Athena by pulling her out of his split-open head.*

And NOW, TODAY’S FEATURED WORD

LOCKINESS

courtesy of the wonderful wordsmith, Christee Gabour Atwood

* = A painful birth, you bet.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pan Fried Chicken Breast

American Entree

PAN FRIED CHICKEN BREAST

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken breasts, boneless & skinless, 5-to-6 ounces each
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
½ cup flour
1 teaspoon garlic powder
¾ teaspoon onion powder
1¼ teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley (1 teaspoon more later)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (ip to 3 tablespoons more, if necessary)
up to 3 tablespoons more, if necessary
1 lemon
1 teaspoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSILS

plastic wrap
kitchen mallet

Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Remove chicken breasts from refrigerator and pat dry with paper towels. Cover with plastic wrap. Pound chicken breasts lightly with kitchen mallet until they are ½” thick or thinner. Rub chicken with pepper and salt.

Add flour, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and parsley to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Dredge chicken breast through mixture in bowl. Shake off any excess. (Excess flour falls off in the oil, adding a burnt taste and look..) Repeat for remaining breasts.

Add 3 tablespoons vegetable oil to large pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat until a little bit of flour in the oil starts to dance. Add 2 chicken breasts to pan. Cover and fry chicken breasts for 2½ minutes or until bottom of chicken breasts turn golden brown. DO NOT move them. (Only lift a corner of a chicken breast to see if the bottom is golden brown. Use spatula to flip chicken breasts. Cover and fry for another 2 minutes or when new bottom turns golden brown as well. Remove breasts to plate and cover to keep warm. Add up to 2 more tablespoons oil, if necessary. Repeat for 2nd batch of chicken breasts. (The 2nd batch might take less time to cook.)

Slice lemon into 4 pieces. Serve each chicken breasts with a lemon slice Garnish each chicken breast with ¼ teaspoon parsley..

 

TIDBITS

1) The title of this dish pretty much tells us that chicken breasts are fried in a pan.

2) Or can we be so sure of this?

3) Sure, the picture to the right is indeed a pan.

4) But maybe, just maybe, pan here means something else.

5) “Pan” is a term used by drama and movie critics to denote harsh criticism of the artistic endeavor.

6) Indeed, Cal Porter’s*, Broadway play, Fried Chicken Breast closed after only one performance.

7) The very next day, the headline on Variety(tm) read, “All Critics Pan Fried Chicken Breast.”

8) Noted acid-penned critic, Farine du Ble called the play, “Fried Chicken Beast” and advised Cal Porter to stick to one-word haikus.

9) To this day, actors morn the quick closing of a play by eating Pan Fried Chicken Breasts. And this is how this entree got this name.

10) But wait, there’s another subtle explanation.

11) In ancient Greek mythology, Pan was the god of the wild, shepherds, rustic music, and great chefs. He had the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat. Yep, he was the original Goat Man.

12) Goat Man loved chicken as what Greek god didn’t?

13) Pan originally ate fire-burned chicken. This recipe involved herding chickens into a brush fire. This frustrated the hooves off Pan. When the blaze finally died, chances were all the chickens had to turned to ash. He’d throw himself down and beat the ground with his fists. This is the origin of the line, “Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.”

14) Plus Goat Man had to wait for lightning to strike the fields near his chicken. And you can’t really count on a lightning strike when you’re hungry.

15) Then happy mythological day, the god Prometheus** gave fire to us mortals. Zeus’s monopoly on fire went up in smoke. Petulant Zeus tied Prometheus to a rock and had an eagle peck away every day at the fire-donor’s liver.

16) Sure, that was bad for Prometheus, but fire was a positive boon to Greek cuisine***. We could now fry things. Pan started Hellenic cuisine off right with his Fried Chicken breast. Grateful Greek chicken diners called it Pan Fried Chicken Breast. So maybe this dish got its name this way.

17) * Cal Porter was Cole Porter’s distant cousin. ** Prometheus twin brother was Antimetheus. *** Fire was also a boon for Greeks wishing to stay warm on cold, like during wintry nights.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kunde

Kenyan Entree

KUNDE

INGREDIENTS

1 cup rice
1 medium onion
2 tomatoes
½ cup unsalted peanuts or ¼ cup creamy peanut butter
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ teaspoon coriander
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon salt
1½ pounds black-eyed peas, cooked and drained
½ cup water

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor or coffee grinder

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. Mince onion. Dice tomatoes. Grind peanuts in food processor until you get a paste. Add oil and onion to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Sur frequently. Add coriander and turmeric. Cook for 1 minute or until fragrant. Stir constantly.

Add tomato and salt. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 5 minutes or until liquid disappears. Stir frequently. Lightly mash black-eyed peas with a fork. Add peanut paste, black-eyed peas, and water. Bring to boil at high heat. Reduce temperature to low medium. Simmer for 5 minutes or until dish gets to the consistency of a stew. Stir enough to prevent burning. Serve over rice.

TIDBITS

1) Really ancient humans worshiped the Sun as a god. They could have adored the potato instead. But they didn’t. Not many peoples even had potatoes. So, it never occurred to these tribes to worship the mighty spud. It’s just like wanting to eat lutefisk when you’ve never heard of it. You wouldn’t want to; it’s horrible. Not enough half-centuries have gone by before I’ll eat lutefisk again.

2) Anyway, the Rohohoe tribe, prehistoric Kenyans, had the Sun and they worshiped it. After much discussion, the religious leaders decided that the best way to worship Sun was to make an entree out of: rice, onion, tomatoes, peanuts, veggie oil, coriander, turmeric, salt, black-eyed peas, and water. The brownish mix of ingredients in the middle represents the Sun and the rice, its rays. There.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quinoa Api

Bolivian Breakfast

QUINOA API

INGREDIENTS

1¼ cups quinoa
2¾ cups milk
2⅔ cups water
1 cinnamon stick
1 tablespoon honey
2½ tablespoons sugar
¼ teaspoon vanilla extract

SPECIAL UTENSIL

fine-mesh colander

Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Rinse quinoa in colander. Add quinoa and 2⅔ cups water to pot. Bring to boil using medium heat. Stir enough to keep quinoa from burning. Add milk. Bring to boil using medium heat. Stir constantly Reduce heat to low. Add cinnamon stick, honey, sugar, and vanilla extract. Simmer for 35 minutes or until mixture thickens and quinoa cracks open. Stir enough to keep milk and quinoa from burning. Remove cinnamon stick. Serves in bowls.

TIDBITS

1) According to Colombian culinary mythology, quinoa was given us 7,123.26 years ago by the condor god, Yclept.. Yclept also gave them the secret of planting and harvesting, thus freeing the Andean people from hunter gathering. Hunter gathering is much the same thing as driving around from one supermarket to another looking for mocha creamer for your coffee.

2) But with Ycelpt’s help, the Andeans always had quinoa, a great source of nutrition, right at home. This is like winning a refrigerator at a raffle. But there’s more. You open the fridge to see dozens of coffee mocha creamer bottles inside. You are freed, freed I tell you, from searching dispiritedly all over town for coffee mocha creamers.

3) So in gratitude, the Andeans switched from worshiping, Qi the god of hunter gathering to Yclept. Since quinoa looks like the stars, the Andeans worshiped them. This ticked off Qi, who tried to blot out the stars with milk. “Na, na, na, poo, poo,” said Yclept. “You didn’t throw enough milk. You only tossed enough to make the Milky Way.”

4) Yclept was right. We can still see the stars. Whew! We can still spot the Milky way. But we humans eventually got an immensely popular candy bar out of it. The Milky Way gave the Andeans the idea for this Quinoa Api. It just shows you how good things can come out of a god’s tantrum.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Things That Make Me Happy – Wheat Fields

Usually I prefer anything God or nature makes over anything people manufacture. Sometimes the two forces combine to produce something quite pleasing to look at. Such is the case of a wheat field. A wheat field is not as spectacular as Mt. Everest or Niagara Falls, but it has an mesmerizing simplicity that is found hardly anywhere else. And when the wind ripples through the wheat, everything becomes much calmer in the soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: things that make me happy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Romanian Salata de Boeuf (Beef Salad)

Romanian Entree

SALATA DE BOEUF
(Beef Salad)

INGREDIENTS

1 pound thin beef sirloin
1⅓ pounds potatoes
2 carrots
2 eggs
⅓ cup green peas
1 cup diced or sliced pickles
½ cup pickled red bell peppers
1 cup mayonnaise (¼ cup more later)
2 tablespoons mustard
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
¼ cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon fresh parsley

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour. No mayonnaise topping at front, so you can see inside.

PREPARATION

Add sirloin and enough water to cover. Bring to boil at high heat. Boil for 30 minutes or until sirloin is tender. Drain. Remove sirloin, let cool, and chop into ½” cubes. While beef cooks, add potatoes and enough water to large pot. Bring to boil at high heat. Boil for 25 minutes or until tender. Drain. Let potatoes cool. Peel potatoes and chop them into ½” cubes.

While sirloin and potatoes cook, add carrots and water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Boil for 15 minutes or until carrots becomes tender. Drain and cool. Chop carrots into ½” cubes. Add water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Carefully add eggs. Boil for 8 minutes for soft boiled and 12 minutes for hard boiled. Let cool. Peel and cut each egg into 6 slices.

Add sirloin, potato, carrot, peas, pickles, pickled red-bell peppers, 1 cup mayonnaise, mustard, pepper, and salt. Mix by hand until well blended. Add this mixture to a serving plate. Mold by hand into a flat, round shape like a layer of cake. Use spatula to coat cake-shape mixture with ¼ cup mayonnaise. Dice parsley. Garnish with egg slices and parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Prehistoric humans believed the Sun was a god. Egg yolks look like the Sun. Our ancestors reasoned that egg yolks themselves must possess a bit of divinity. The ancient Egyptians went further. Any animal that could birth so much godliness must itself be divine. The chicken became the preeminent Egyptian god. However, during the 18th dynasty, the priests of Amun Ra gained power and destroyed the Chicken Cult. Chickens would never again be worshipped. Their eggs, however, may be enjoyed in this dish.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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