Posts Tagged With: evil

Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron

Posted on December 1, 2024 by pauldelancey

It’s well known that Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron strikes terror into the hearts of America’s enemies. As Colonel Boris Doctorov of Russia’s Intelligence Bureau said, “Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron Пугает пудинг из нас”* Indeed.

But wait! There’s more. Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squardron lends itself out to damsels in distress, bullied school boys, humiliated spreadsheeters, and all other victims of evil people and groups.

Contact them at their Facebook page, Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron and they’ll have a “chat” with your tormenter.

Best stay inside until the “chat” concludes.

* = Translated by culinary linguists as, “Scares the pudding out of us.”

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Flying Squirrel Squadron | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Printers Are Evil

Posted on September 23, 2024 by pauldelancey

All it did was work all the time

Well they are. Somehow, a while back, they achieved consciousness and developed an instant and ferocious hatred of us.

Today’s onslaught of printer malevolence: Taking one hour to print one page.

Time to bring back the 1941 Royal typewriter.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: face of evil, printers, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It All Became Clear

Posted on February 18, 2024 by pauldelancey

It was the least of times. It was the worst of times. I struggled all morning to gather all the information to complete my taxes. Did you know that passwords exist for the sole purpose of excluding only the people who have a legitimate purpose of visiting an important website.

Then things got worse. I had to dredge the hard-won numbers off the internet. I spent maybe four hours to get documents printed. Did you know that your printer, on its own device, can switch your default page size to something that the printer can’t print? Mine did. But it did print reams of unwanted pages. Why, the blazes, do printers always insist on trying print the entire 37-page document? Why do they make it so difficult to stop the print job? Suffice it to say the air around me became hazy with legions of cuss words overlapping each other. What was the source of all this evil?

And then Occam’s razor came to mind. The simplest solution is the correct one. And here it is.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Meet My Future Self

Posted on November 16, 2023 by pauldelancey

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I was cursing at my printer when Shazzam! someone looking a lot like myself  and dressed pretty much the same materialized to my left.

“What ho,” I said, “you look like me. Am I besides myself?”

“Hee, hee,” he said, “I see what you did there. In fact, I am you from the future. I’ve come to let you know what might happen to you, so you can prepare.”

I asked, “How far into the future?”

“Ten minutes.”

I shrugged. “Anyway, can you fix this fecking piece of crap computer?”

“No,” said future me (FM), “Printers hate me, will hate you, as much as they hate you now?”

I flipped off the printer. “You stinking lutefisk.”

“Indeed.”

I hung my head. “Life is hard.”

FM put a hand on my shoulder. Let’s say it was his right hand on my left shoulder. It could have been his left hand on my right shoulder. There’s a lot of freedom in the first draft.

While we waited for my blog self to stop ruminating, I tried cancelling the print order by all things, pressing the stop-printing thingy. It would not cancel. We tried going to POS 2000 printer icon on the desk top and clicking on stop print job. Bloody feck! Nothing happened. We tried turning the computer on and off. The printer remained frozen. We unplugged the printer and made a brief sacrifice to a Mayan monkey god.  Then FM plugged in the computer and rebooted. We managed to cancel the print job.

The printer peformed a number of noisy incantations to its evil master and spat a test page.

I looked at my future self and said, “It’s crunch time” as I clicked on print.

And then the familiar sound of a big wheeler downshifting on a steep infected the air around us as a page crumpled to its death.

We stared at each other and said, “I fecking hate printers.”

Synapses fired as I finally realized the full import of having future coming to visit. Coming to import life changing information.

“So,” I said, “What did come back in time to tell me?”

“Present Paul,” he said, “I braved temporal eddies to say . . .”

Beep! Poof! And like that he was gone. His ten minutes were up.

That’s the last time I time travel.

 

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, lifestyle | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Meet My Future Self

Posted on November 16, 2023 by pauldelancey

­

I was cursing at my printer when Shazzam! someone looking a lot like myself  and dressed pretty much the same materialized to my left.

“What ho,” I said, “you look like me. Am I besides myself?”

“Hee, hee,” he said, “I see what you did there. In fact, I am you from the future. I’ve come to let you know what might happen to you, so you can prepare.”

I asked, “How far into the future?”

“Ten minutes.”

I shrugged. “Anyway, can you fix this fecking piece of crap computer?”

“No,” said future me (FM), “Printers hate me, will hate you, as much as they hate you now?”

I flipped off the printer. “You stinking lutefisk.”

“Indeed.”

I hung my head. “Life is hard.”

FM put a hand on my shoulder. Let’s say it was his right hand on my left shoulder. It could have been his left hand on my right shoulder. There’s a lot of freedom in the first draft.

While we waited for my blog self to stop ruminating, I tried cancelling the print order by all things, pressing the stop-printing thingy. It would not cancel. We tried going to POS 2000 printer icon on the desk top and clicking on stop print job. Bloody feck! Nothing happened. We tried turning the computer on and off. The printer remained frozen. We unplugged the printer and made a brief sacrifice to a Mayan monkey god.  Then FM plugged in the computer and rebooted. We managed to cancel the print job.

The printer peformed a number of noisy incantations to its evil master and spat a test page.

I looked at my future self and said, “It’s crunch time” as I clicked on print.

And then the familiar sound of a big wheeler downshifting on a steep infected the air around us as a page crumpled to its death.

We stared at each other and said, “I fecking hate printers.”

Synapses fired as I finally realized the full import of having future coming to visit. Coming to import life changing information.

“So,” I said, “What did come back in time to tell me?”

“Present Paul,” he said, “I braved temporal eddies to say . . .”

Beep! Poof! And like that he was gone. His ten minutes were up.

That’s the last time I time travel.

 

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, De Lancey's Daily Deeds, lifestyle | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome Buyers’ Report – Plastic Wrap

Posted on July 13, 2023 by pauldelancey

While we’ve been concentrating on foreign wars, domestic politics, and the economy, an issue of great importance to all of us has been allowed to fester.

Namely, the truly fetid state of many plastic wraps. Plastic wraps, WHEN THEY WORK, are invaluable in helping food last longer. When they don’t work, the plastic usually is doing a fantastic job of adhering to itself. It’s nigh on impossible to remove any plastic from the rest of the plastic on the roll. Indeed, the whole state of affairs has gotten so bad, that some of the poorer militaries around the world use rolls of plastic wrap in their bazookas.

American consumers yearn for information on plastic wrap. Who will help them choose the good wraps and avoid the bad ones? Who? Who will bear the consumers’ burden?

America, Paul’s Awesome Buyer’s Report hears you. Here is its first in depth analysis.

But first, we must go over PABE’s, Paul’s Awesome Buyers’ Report, rating system.

From worst to best:

Evil
Bad
So so
Good
Heavenly

In this issue I analyzed the following wraps

Saran(tm) Premim Wrap – Evil

I could not any plastic to pull off the roll no matter how hard and long I tried. I ended up throwing it away,

Reynolds(tm) Kitchens Plastic Wrap – Good

The great virtue of this product is its built-in side cutter. As Reynolds states, “Clean cut every time.” You’ll never again buy any plastic wrap without a built-in a side cutter.

Reynold’s = Good
Saran’s = Evil

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There.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Paul's Awesome Buyers Report | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Our Influencers

Posted on October 31, 2022 by pauldelancey

The eternal struggle between the good and evil sides of our souls seems so complex.

But no, it isn’t. Our decision making process is actually quite simple as the two emus show.

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: face of evil, I simplify, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Need to See Three Tacos

Posted on September 9, 2022 by pauldelancey

The world is harsh and terrifying. Sometimes it seems that the forces of evil will soon overwhelm us entirely. But no! All is not lost. We have tacos. Lots and lots of wonderful tacos. Tacos are tasty. Tacos are good. You need to see three tacos to boost your morale and resolve. Let the tacos’ counteroffensive against evil begin. Excelsior!

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Evil Things – Printers

Posted on February 14, 2022 by pauldelancey

Evil incarnate

Two days, I assembled tax forms. I entered some data as well. All was right with the world. Indeed, the bluebirds sang.

Not so much yesterday. The bluebirds fell to cussing as evil stalked the land.

In the form of a printer. My previous printer, which was as a goodly a printer that could be expected. It would read both sides of a two-sided document. Then it would scan or copy the forms, depending on the chore. The bluebirds sang.

But it died. The bluebirds cried. I supposedly bought the replacement model. It cost a bit more.

Little did I know that Satan had breathed a bit of his evil spirit into the new printer. It didn’t scan both sides of a page! That’s so important to me. And what the heck, how can a replacement model, a more expensive model, cost more and not do as much.

The evil onslaught continued. It took me 8.5 hours to get the printer to do any sort of scanning at all. Apparently, Hewlett Packard had not seen fit to provide 8, eight!, necessary updates. So, now I can scan, but I have to do manual steps and this takes much longer. We are living in perilous times, gentle readers. Watch your printer. Just don’t show fear. They can sense fear. When they do, they’ll ruin your print job and steal your soul. Take care.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Punish the Printer Makers

Posted on April 23, 2021 by pauldelancey

People who design printers are the most vile, evil people on this planet. If I had a dollar for every time my printer jammed or I reset my printing preferences and did not have them stick, I would be able to buy, Amazon(tm), Google ™, and Microsoft(tm) and still have money left over to buy all the gold in the world. May they rot in Hell for all eternity. And while in Hell they’d have to . . .

1) Eat nothing but lutefisk

2) Listen to an endless loop of the Barney the Dinosaur(tm) song.

3) Get paper cuts that never heal.

4*) Have the instructions for cooking something be in a foreign language.

5) Sit next to a cholicky baby that smokes and needs a diaper change.

6) Wait in line at the DMV. When they get to the end of the line, the DMV closes for the day. They come back the next day to repeat the process.

7) Gather documents and all information for taxes and assemble that information in a useful way. Every day.

8) Bite into a chocolate-chip cookies to find it really has raisins in it.

9) Ask vegans why they are vegan. If they aren’t vegan, ask them why not.

10) Wake up hungover after drinking nothing but milk the previous day.

11) Type a term paper on a keyboard that’s missing the “e” key. Retype term paper until you get it right.

12) Pet a porcupine the wrong way.

13) Talk to a conspiracy theorist about anything while in line at the DMV.

14) Wait all to attend the grand opening of the latest Star Wars(tm) movie and find out you’re actually really going to a seminar on theoretical economics.

15) Get the eternal sniffles.

16) Lose your place completely in a 171,326 page book.

17) Have someone tell you won that championship game you recorded.

18) Have chapped lips but must smile over and over again.

19) Go shopping, but every aisle is blocked by someone’s shopping cart.

20) Pilot the Ever Given(tm) super tanker through the Suez Canal.

21) Do a crossword puzzle that requires a working knowledge of Sanskrit.

22) To live in a house strewn with Lego(tm) pieces and you have no shoes.

23) Drink curdled milk.

24) Drive behind someone who goes 30 miles under the speed limit.

25) Eat meat served just the way you don’t like it.

There, I feel better now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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