Posts Tagged With: bunnies

Make Me The Replacement for Bill O’Reilly

Posted on April 25, 2017 by pauldelancey

Bill O’Reilly, the hugely popular and controversial host for Fox, was recently fired by Fox TV. They need a new host. I need a new platform beyond this blog for my views. So, I humbly ask my readers request Fox TV to hire me to fill Bill’s time slot. Here’s why you should do so.

  1. Bill O’Reilly was fired for multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I was raised to hold doors open for women.
  2. Bill was not funny. I am funny. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side. See what I mean.
  3. I would be an invaluable political analyst having run for the presidency in 2012 and 2016. In the last election, I won all but 50 states.
  4. I’ve written two cookbooks.
  5. Funny cookbooks.
  6. In certain demographics, my books have outsold Bill’s.
  7. My show on Fox, will include a Bad Advice Friday where I give bad advice to all callers.
  8. One show a week will be on cooking. With really good food. Mmmm.
  9. My show will have bunnies.
  10. And dogs.
  11. And cats.
  12. I have over 150 spices and herbs.
  13. I command Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron.
  14. I bicycled from the North Sea to the Mediterranean.
  15. My vase was in the prestigious Gemeentemuseum in Den Haag.
  16. I have been to Slovakia.
  17. I know how to say “Where are the bunions?” in Spanish. “Donde estan los juantes?” See.
  18. I can spell Cincinnati.
  19. I have a recipe for a North Korean hamburger, so I can speak on developments in that country.
  20. I’m caught up on my laundry.
  21. My favorite food is the taco.
  22. My office faces south.
  23. I can count to 23.
  24. And more!
  25. I can ties my shoes and hold my booze.
  26. Mainly because I only occasionally have a near beer.
  27. I look both ways before crossing a road.
  28. I clean dishes while cooking fancy meals.
  29. I make hospital corners while making beds.
  30. I never ever block the aisle with shopping cart.
  31. I don’t tailgate.
  32. I can name every country that isn’t an island.
  33. I know that soup backward is puos. Puos is the plural form of puo.
  34. I’ve never been bitten by a mosquito.
  35.  And I played Snoopy in a 5th grade production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.”

See? I am qualified. Please call Fox TV and put in a good word for me. Thank you very much.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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The Gigantic Bunny of Central Asia

Posted on October 8, 2016 by pauldelancey

 

bunnycountry

Look at that white spot in the middle of the map to the right. It is the country of Tajikistan. It also looks like a bunny, You can see its two floppy  ears and cute little nose. It is facing left. A small rock obscures its tummy. Of course, it really is a bunny. A dormant bunny, a horrifically large bunny, but still a bunny.

Eons ago, before iPhones(tm), before typewriters, and even pencils, before humans, jellyfish, and even telemarketers, giant bunnies hundreds of miles long hopped the Earth, flourishing along side dinosaurs. Then an inconvenient asteroid slammed into our planet obliterating many species instantly. (What species were obliterated? I don’t know. We have no traces. They were obliterated.)

You know, our parents told us they had to walk seven miles through a foot of snow to get to school. Well na ha, the T-rexes and gigantic bunnies had to walk hundreds of miles through TWO feet of dust trying to find a meal. Many species died out completely. Some evolved into much tinier things such as birds. And so it was with the huge bunnies. They kept getting smaller and smaller until they reached their present cute size. Except for Tajik. Seeing no hundred-long bunny babes to mate with, he just laid down and hibernated. Dust settled upon him over the eons, so much so that no traces of him remain of him save from world mals.

Tajik is not dead. He will wake up from his great slumber when the bunnies of the world are in their greatest need. And so we wait. We wait.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Uitsmijter (Dutch Ham and Egg Sandwich)

Posted on April 26, 2015 by pauldelancey

Dutch Entree

UITSMIJTER
(Ham and Egg Sandwich)

INGREDIENTS

1 teaspoon butter (1 additional tablespoon later)Uitsmijter-
2 slices white bread
1 tablespoon butter
2 eggs
4 slices or 4 ounces ham
2 ounces Gouda, Edam, or cheddar cheese
4 thinly sliced cucumber circles
dash of salt
dash of pepper

Makes 1 sandwich. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Lightly toast bread. Smooth 1 teaspoon butter on butter slices. Add 1 tablespoon butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add 2 eggs. Cook eggs sunny-side up using medium to your desired level of doneness. (Dutch restaurants usually have the eggs be runny.) Add ham, cheese, egg yolk-side up, and cucumber circles to bottom slice of bread. Sprinkle pepper and salt to egg. Top with second slice of bread.

TIDBITS

1) Tired of square hotels rooms? Why not visit the Dutch city of the Hague? Bed down in your own orange escape pod for the night. Yes, get rocked to sleep as your round pod gently rocks in a canal. Or not so gently, if a speed boat zips by. These rooms come with all the bars and amenities that can be fitted in a space eight feet wide. If you want to feel like Captain Nemo or James Bond ejecting from a spacecraft with a beautiful Russian spy, this is the overnight stay for you.

2) It’s no surprise that the Netherlands designed bobbing pod hotels. It’s also the birthplace for the 85-foot tall yellow rubber ducky that is being towed around the world for its healing properties. We may even feel so good that world peace might break out. Indeed, the creator’s giant ducky has been successful, scarcely anyone recalls the giant rubber frogs and bunnies he created.

3) And speaking of toys, a Dutchman is launching an exciting, new website. It will be designed for bashful people who desired the latest in sex toys. Modest browsers will be relieved to know that the site will have no nudity or even bad language.

4) Then’s there that giant blue UFO that was photographed over the Netherland’s main government building. It just shows you how anything can happen in politics. Look for its return from the safety of your escape pod.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Potato-Beef Flatcakes From Tanzania

Posted on June 8, 2013 by pauldelancey

Tanzanian Entree

POTATO BEEF FLATCAKES

INGREDIENTSPotBeefFlat-

3 large brown potatoes
3 large carrots
1 green bell pepper
1/2 ground beef
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar

2 or more tablespoons vegetable oil.

makes 12 flatcakes

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

food processor
electric skillet

PREPARATION

Peel and mince potatoes. (A food processor helps immensely. Remember this when your loved one gives you that appliance for your anniversary.) Peel and mince carrots. Remove seeds and mince bell pepper.

Combine all ingredients except vegetable oil in large mixing bowl. The best way to mix this is with your hands. Sorry. (But there is an upside to having messy hands. When your sweetheart asks you to answer the door or the telephone you can say, “Sorry, messy hands.”)

Make patties that are 1/2 cup big. Put 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in the electric skillet. Set the skillet to 350 degrees. Put as many patties as will fit into the skillet. Flatten them slightly with spatula. Cook with lid on for 5 minutes or until the patty browns. Remove lid. (Oil splatters, may I suggest wearing an apron?) Flip patties over and fry for another 5 minutes. Remove batch and start another. Add oil as needed.

And “tasty” in Swahili is “kitamu.”

TIDBITS

1) The carrot is one happening biennal plant of the umbel family.

2) Eating too many carrots will make your skin turn yellowish orange, especially on the palms or soles of the feet. This is called carotenemia. This goes away completely once you stop eating them.

3) Ancient Greeks and Romans ate carrots. No nation or tribe could stand up to Rome’s scary orange soldiers. That’s the Roman Empire grew so big and lasted so long.

4) Ancient Greeks believed eating carrots made men and women more amorous. “Hey, would like to have dinner at the Carrot Auctioneer?”

5) Seems silly, no? But rabbits love carrots and we all know how fast bunnies reproduce.

6) Hippocrates thought women could prevent pregnancy by eating carrot seeds.

7) Current scientific studies suggest this might be true after all.. Eating carrot seeds after intercourse might prevent the egg from implanting.

8) Whoa.

9) The orange carrot was invented by cross breeding yellow and red carrots. I wonder if you can turn yellow by eating too many yellow carrots. Don’t rob a bank after doing this. The police find  with yellow palms easy to find.

10) Yay, carrots!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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