Posts Tagged With: bunions

Bill O’Reilly, the hugely popular and controversial host for Fox, was recently fired by Fox TV. They need a new host. I need a new platform beyond this blog for my views. So, I humbly ask my readers request Fox TV to hire me to fill Bill’s time slot. Here’s why you should do so.

1. Bill O’Reilly was fired for multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I was raised to hold doors open for women.
2. Bill was not funny. I am funny. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side. See what I mean.
3. I would be an invaluable political analyst having run for the presidency in 2012 and 2016. In the last election, I won all but 50 states.
4. I’ve written two cookbooks.
5. Funny cookbooks.
6. In certain demographics, my books have outsold Bill’s.
7. My show on Fox, will include a Bad Advice Friday where I give bad advice to all callers.
8. One show a week will be on cooking. With really good food. Mmmm.
9. My show will have bunnies.
10. And dogs.
11. And cats.
12. I have over 150 spices and herbs.
13. I command Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron.
14. I bicycled from the North Sea to the Mediterranean.
15. My vase was in the prestigious Gemeentemuseum in Den Haag.
16. I have been to Slovakia.
17. I know how to say “Where are the bunions?” in Spanish. “Donde estan los juantes?” See.
18. I can spell Cincinnati.
19. I have a recipe for a North Korean hamburger, so I can speak on developments in that country.
20. I’m caught up on my laundry.
21. My favorite food is the taco.
22. My office faces south.
23. I can count to 23.
24. And more!
25. I can ties my shoes and hold my booze.
26. Mainly because I only occasionally have a near beer.
27. I look both ways before crossing a road.
28. I clean dishes while cooking fancy meals.
29. I make hospital corners while making beds.
30. I never ever block the aisle with shopping cart.
31. I don’t tailgate.
32. I can name every country that isn’t an island.
33. I know that soup backward is puos. Puos is the plural form of puo.
34. I’ve never been bitten by a mosquito.
35.  And I played Snoopy in a 5th grade production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.”

See? I am qualified. Please call Fox TV and put in a good word for me. Thank you very much.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.