Bill O’Reilly, the hugely popular and controversial host for Fox, was recently fired by Fox TV. They need a new host. I need a new platform beyond this blog for my views. So, I humbly ask my readers request Fox TV to hire me to fill Bill’s time slot. Here’s why you should do so.
- Bill O’Reilly was fired for multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I was raised to hold doors open for women.
- Bill was not funny. I am funny. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side. See what I mean.
- I would be an invaluable political analyst having run for the presidency in 2012 and 2016. In the last election, I won all but 50 states.
- I’ve written two cookbooks.
- Funny cookbooks.
- In certain demographics, my books have outsold Bill’s.
- My show on Fox, will include a Bad Advice Friday where I give bad advice to all callers.
- One show a week will be on cooking. With really good food. Mmmm.
- My show will have bunnies.
- And dogs.
- And cats.
- I have over 150 spices and herbs.
- I command Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron.
- I bicycled from the North Sea to the Mediterranean.
- My vase was in the prestigious Gemeentemuseum in Den Haag.
- I have been to Slovakia.
- I know how to say “Where are the bunions?” in Spanish. “Donde estan los juantes?” See.
- I can spell Cincinnati.
- I have a recipe for a North Korean hamburger, so I can speak on developments in that country.
- I’m caught up on my laundry.
- My favorite food is the taco.
- My office faces south.
- I can count to 23.
- And more!
- I can ties my shoes and hold my booze.
- Mainly because I only occasionally have a near beer.
- I look both ways before crossing a road.
- I clean dishes while cooking fancy meals.
- I make hospital corners while making beds.
- I never ever block the aisle with shopping cart.
- I don’t tailgate.
- I can name every country that isn’t an island.
- I know that soup backward is puos. Puos is the plural form of puo.
- I’ve never been bitten by a mosquito.
- And I played Snoopy in a 5th grade production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.”
See? I am qualified. Please call Fox TV and put in a good word for me. Thank you very much.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.