Paul De Lancey's Blog

I Visit My Friend From Greek Mythology

Posted on April 22, 2024 by pauldelancey

Sisyphus, before I helped him

I woke up and headed over to my friend Sisyphus’ place, which was on the slope of a mountain. He was pushing a gigantic rock up a steep slope.

“Hi, Sisyphus, how it’s hanging?”

“Oh can’t complain, blog-writing Paul, except maybe for this eternal torment the gods gave me.”

“What did you do, Greek guy?”

“Oh the usual, pissing off the gods. I guess I was too much of a tyrant to my subjects. Zeus, in particular, thought I was overly cruel even.”

“Why are you pushing a big rock up this hill?”

“Oh spreadsheet flashing Paul, it’s my dread punishment. I must take this rock up to the top.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem too hard.”

He sighed. “Matching-socks, Paul. Just before I get the rock to the top, the muscles in my arms burn with the fires of the underworld. I pause. I slip. My hands fall from the rock. The rock rolls, along with my hopes. all the way down to the bottom. I have to start again.”

I offer him a taco. Sisyphus takes it gratefully and devours it instantly. “Thanks, large-refrigerator-owning, Paul.”

“So, how many times have put your shoulder to the rock?”

“174.383 times.”

“Bummer, that’s a bummer, Sisyphus.”

The Greek tyrant looked so downcast, that I really thought he’d eat lutefisk with a murmur.

My synapses fired. “Say Sisyphus, how about I help you? You’ve been coming ever so close just by yourself. I bet if I helped you, we’d get that darned rock to the top.”

“Mighty man of Poway, I would be most grateful for your assistance.”

And so we pushed the rock to the top.

Sisyphus jumped up and down. “Cowabunga, my punishment is over. I thought I’d be here for all eternity, but now thanks to you, latch-hooking Paul, I’m a free man. Free, I tell you, free!”

The erstwhile rock pusher clasped my shoulders. “Let’s celebrate. I’m taking you to Happy Hera’s Gyro Heaven for some cooling lemonade and tasty gyros.”

“Sounds great, Sisyphus, Do you think this myth will be rewritten showing how I helped you?”

The Greek strongman tilted back his head and laughed so hard that even the Debbie Downers in Sparta heard and smiled just a little bit. “I hope so, cake-baking, Paul, I do hope so.”

And thus, I became ever so famous.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me | Tags: eternal, Greek, gyro, Hera, lutefisk, mythology, punishment, refrigerator, rock, Sisyphus, socks, subjects, taco, tyrant, Zeus | 2 Comments

Vanilla Shampoo

Posted on April 21, 2024 by pauldelancey

VANILLA SHAMPOO

INGREDIENTS

½ cup Castile Soap

2 teaspoons coconut oil

½ cup distilled water

12 drops vanilla essential oil

SPECIAL UTENSIL

1 cup, or larger, bottle

PREPARATION

Add all ingredients to bottle. Stir with fork, or shake, until well blended.

TIDBITS

1) “Vanilla Shampoo” is an anagram for “vanilla shampoo.”

2) Fun fact: All words, or phrases, are anagrams of themselves. Culinary beauticians call these “first-order anagrams.”

3) Second-order anagrams actually rearrange the letters. As an example, the second-order anagram for “twelve plus one” is “eleven plus two.”

4) Don’t forget, an anagram for “Aloha salmon VIP” is “Vanilla Shampoo.”

5) Try these anagrams at parties. Nothing but good can come from liberally sprinkling you conversations with these witticisms. People will admire your intellect and you become the life of the party. Vivacious, beautiful people will want to date you. Corporate executives will fall over themselves trying to hire you. Or . . .

6) Partygoers will have heard these anagrams before. (I mean, what are the odd? Right?) In this case, the revelers will leave you alone. Take this reaction to grab some tasty hors d’oeuvres as you make your unnoticed exit.

7) Dart back inside. Fit as many shrimps as you can into your Tupperware(tm) container. (You should always carry one.) As you zip out again, defiantly yell, “Hors d’oeuvre doesn’t need to be italicized as it has become an accepted part of our language.” That’ll teach them for shunning you.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: shampoo | Tags: Aloha, anagrams, beautiful people, Castile soap, coconut oil, distilled water, essential oils, executives, salmon, shampoo, shrimp, soap, Tupperware, vanilla, VIP | Leave a comment

Yoga Instructor on Eggs

Posted on April 20, 2024 by pauldelancey

It needed to be said:

Yoga Instructor #11

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: yoga instructor | Tags: apocalyptic, beneficial, breaking eggs, Comic Chef, eggs, fur, instructor, Lutheran, murders, mushrooms, omelette, Paul DeLancey, thriller, West, yoga | 1 Comment

You Need to See A Mama Elephant and Her Baby Running

Posted on April 19, 2024 by pauldelancey

Life can be hard. Life can be stressful. The world can be way too peoply. We want to chuck our cares away and run free in wide open spaces. But we can’t. But others can, like this momma elephant and her baby elephant in Africa. Go, elephants, go. Run for joy for all of back here. Wee hee!

You need to see #37

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: you need to see | Tags: Africa, apocalyptic, baby, bacon, cares, Chef Paul, Comic Chef, cookbook, elephant, good food, hunks, Lutheran, momma, murders, running, stress, thriller, wide open spaces, world, you need to see | Leave a comment

Starter Free Sourdough Bread

Posted on April 18, 2024 by pauldelancey

American Appetizer

STARTER FREE SOURDOUGH BREAD

INGREDIENTS

4½ cups flour (¼ cup more later)

18 grams (.63 ounce) instant sourdough* (yeast and sourdough culture)

2¼ teaspoons salt

1¾ cups warm water (100 to 105 degrees)

1½ tablespoons flour (1 more tablespoon later)

1 tablespoon rice flour or flour

1 tablespoon flour

* = Instant sourdough can be found online. It skips the step of making active starter. It changes the taste somewhat but makes the whole process easier.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater

tea towel, flour sack, or dish towel

banneton or bread-proofing basket.

parchment paper sheet.

6-quart enameled cast iron Dutch oven

bread lame or sharp knife

instant-read thermometer

sonic obliterator

Makes 1 loaf. Takes 2 hours 20 minutes plus overnight plus 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Add 4½ cups flour, instant sourdough, salt, and warm water to large mixing bowl. Mix with beater set at low-medium until smooth-sticky dough ball forms. Shape with hands, if needed, Cover with tea towel. Let rise in warm (70-to-75 degrees) place for 2 hours. Then refrigerate loaf overnight. At any point, gently dent the loaf with your fingertip. If the dent springs back rapidly, more rising time is needed.

Dust flat surface with 1½ tablespoons flour. Add dough to flat surface. Gently lift up the side of the dough closest to you, gently pulling it upward and stretch over the dough’s center. (Avoid tearing the dough.) Press down on this fold to seal and keep it into place. Rotate dough a quarter turn and lift, stretch, fold, and press again. Repeat quarter rotations and folding 2 more times.

Dust cloth that comes with banneton with 1 tablespoon rice flour. (If you don’t have a banneton, put tea towel in mixing bowl and dust that.) Put dough in banneton. Cover with tea towel and let rise in a warm place (70-to-75 degrees) for 1 hour. Brush or scrape off excess flour.

30 minutes before baking, place Dutch oven with lid in oven. Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Dust parchment paper with 1 tablespoon flour. Place dough on parchment paper, seam side down. Score the bread ball when the oven temperature reaches 500 degrees. (Scoring is a way of making shallow cuts in the top of the dough just before baking. Scoring can be a simple pattern or as complicated as you’re to do. Scoring also prevents the gas that builds up during from causing uncontrolled ruptures on the loaf top.)

Spray the dough’s top with water just before baking. (This keeps the surface flexible for longer and let the bread rise more.)

Put on oven mitts. Hold 2 sides of parchment paper to lower dough into Dutch oven. Put lid on Dutch oven. Immediately reduce heat to 450 degrees and bake for 20 minutes. Remove lid and bake for another 20 minutes or loaf turns a deep golden brown and becomes crispy. (Or when instant-read thermometer shows 205 degrees.) Place on wire rack and let cool completely before slicing.

Feel free to use sonic obliterator on any guest who gives any guff at all about your sourdough bread. It’s okay to do so. See Levain v. Miche, 2007.

TIDBITS

1) Ancient Egypt got a big jump on civilization compared to its Mediterranean and Near Eastern neighbors. Why was Ancient Egypt so advanced? It was the first nation to bake sourdough bread. Sourdough bread originated in ancient Egypt around 1500 BC.

2) Rome didn’t even get founded until 753 BC. It didn’t start conquering until about 250 BC.

3) Rome’s empire did not derive from vast amounts of sourdough bread. Oh sure it had some. (See Pistoria Uvam Massam Panis by Flavius the Younger.)

4) Rather, Rome conquered the Mediterranean and parts of Europe with its vast, superbly trained army. So, global importance arises from sourdough bread and big armed forces.

5) The Unites States operates a huge military. America also has lots and lots of sourdough bread, especially from San Francisco.

6) China also possesses an immense military, but relatively few loaves of sourdough bread. China is also powerful, but not as much as America.

7) Sourdough starters have been found in Egyptian tombs, indicating that the Egyptians baked sourdough bread. A hieroglyph in a Theban temple depicts Keith Richards baking sourdough bread for Pharaoh Amenhotep II.

8) In 1620, Yeoman Keith Richards sailed on the Mayflower to Plymouth Rock. He ,brought sourdough starters with him. Soon sourdough baking spread all through the 13 colonies. Not so much, in the mother country, Great Britain. This is why is America is the more powerful nation.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: American, ancient Egypt, appetizer, banneton, bread, cast iron, Dutch oven, enameled, good food, instant sourdough, Keith Richards, pharaoh, Rome, scoring, sourdough | Leave a comment

How Health Care Is Done In Shanghai

Posted on April 17, 2024 by pauldelancey

Oh my!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: health | Tags: apocalyptic, beneficial, Comic Chef, good food, health care, hospital, hospital ward, hunks, Lutheran, murders, oh my, Paul De Lancey, recipes, Shanghai, thriller | Leave a comment

What I Did Today

Posted on April 16, 2024 by pauldelancey

It hid under a floor mat

I got up, showered, and dressed.

My friend and I went to a doctor. Then we went to an exercise class. Then we took lots of bags to what we thought to be a recycling building. It turned out to be a dumpster. The errand took such a long time. Let me tell you Google Maps(tm) is far from infallible.

As am I.

I got home and found out my cell phone was missing. I searched everywhere in my car. I called and called my phone. Nothing. I called my friend. She looked all over and called and called. Nothing. I tried tracking my phone via Google. Nothing. I tried tracking my phone an Apple app. It asked for my password. I didn’t know it as one of the younger natives only picked one to register my phone. The Apple app on my computer informed me that it would take days to get me a new password.

My friend then looked again.

She found it!

It was under one of the floor mats in her car. How was it possible for my phone to find its way there? The mind boggles.

Now I’m too tired and worn out to do anything. I had planned to scurry across the country causing mischief. Maybe tomorrow.

I hope you behaved yourself when I was looking for my phone.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: what I did | Tags: apocalyptic, app, cell phone, computer, dumpster, exercise class, floor mats, Google, iPhone, Lutheran, mischief, murders, recipes, recycling, what I did today | Leave a comment

Serbian Pljeskavica

Posted on April 15, 2024 by pauldelancey

Serbian Entree

SERBIAN PLJESKAVICA

(Serbian Burger)

INGREDIENTS

1 garlic clove

1 large onion (1 small one later)

2 tablespoons olive oil or vegetable oil

1 pound ground beef

¾ pound ground pork

1 teaspoon Spanish paprika or paprika

no-stick spray

8 pita loaves*

some kajmak** (optional)

some ajvar*** (optional)

1 green onion

1 small onion

your favorite condiments.****

* = Lepinje buns are more authentic, but also very hard to find.

** = Can be found online. Substitutes are crème fraîche, crema Mexicana, sour cream, or clotted cream

*** = Can be found online. Substitutes are baba ganoush, chili oil, or relish made with bell peppers and eggplant

**** = Kajmak, ajvar, onion are the most authentic condiments for a Serbian. However, red onions, cabbage, pickles, cucumbers, and lettuce are used sometimes.

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic clove and 1 large onion. Add garlic, onion and olive oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add minced garlic and onion, ground beef, ground pork, and Spanish paprika to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide meat into 4 portions. Flatten meat portions until they are 6″ wide patties. Cover and let cool in refrigerator for 45 minutes.

Spray pan with no-stick pray. Add patty to pan. Fry each patty at medium heat for 4 minutes. Flip patty and cook on low-medium for 4 minutes. Repeat for each patty . Put patty on pita loaf. Spread kajmak and ajvar as desired on patty. Thinly slice green onion and small onion. Place ¼ of the onion slices on kajmak and ajvar. Sprinkle with ¼ of the green onion. Top with 2nd pita loaf. Repeat 3 more times.

TIDBITS

1) Pljeskavica is pronounced just like it looks.

2) Just like hot dog is pronounced, “hot dog.”

3) Of course, pljeskavica is an anagram for “java pickles.”

4) If you haven’t heard of java pickles, it’s because they’re not wildly popular.

5) Or even popular at all.

6) To make java pickles, add coffee grounds to the coffee filter.

7) Then instead of water, pour pickle brine into the coffee maker’s reservoir.

8) Turn on your coffee maker and wait.

9) Take your java pickles to your next potluck.

10) You won’t be asked to bring anything ever again.

11) The moral of all this, is that there are some anagrams people aren’t meant to create.

12) Better to search for lepinje buns. This quest would keep you off the streets where you’d only foment revolution.

13) And why can’t we have lepinje delivered to our home?

14) Of course, you could try the superbly efficient AmazonTM to send some to your home.

15) What’s this? Amazon has no lepinje!

16) Why can’t we have a lepinje truck cruising the neighborhood everyday? The truck would play pleasant Serbian folk tunes, so we’d know the lepinje man was on his way.

17) And while we’re at it, why not have the truck carry bread, carry bread from all over the world?

18) And herbs from all over the world? One herb can only be found in desolate areas of northwestern China and rarely at that. And let me tell you, the Chinese police and military frown on such unsupervised activities. “But Colonel, I was only looking for a rare herb,” you’d say. The official’s reply would surely be, “Like, I’ve never heard that one before.” And you’d go to a Chinese prison.

19) Since incarceration is bad, we’ll have to hold out for a local bread and herb truck.

20) And add spices and produce. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t have the right bread, herb, spice, or produce. “You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one,” John Lennon. Let’s make that truck so. Let’s turn our street into a culinary garden of Eden.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, international, things that make me happy | Tags: ajvar, burger, China, entree, folk tunes, ground beef, ground pork, kajmak, lepinje, milk truck, olive oil, pita loaves, pljesjavica, revolution, Serbian | Leave a comment

Yoga Instructor on Men’s Vanity

Posted on April 14, 2024 by pauldelancey

Yoga Instructor knows that super inflammatory comments about a man’s appearance is who’s hitting on you can escalate to a dangerous situation. So instead of telling the relentless oaf, “Hell no, you look like cat ick,” be like Yoga Instructor and say,

Yoga Instructor #10

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: Uncategorized, yoga instructor | Tags: appearance, body, cat, dangerous, gauze, God, Greek, inflammatory, men's, murders, oaf, relentless, vanity, yoga, yoga instructor | 1 Comment