CARBON HAIKU #1
Carbon, oh carbon!
Though you’re the eight element
I like you the best.
CARBON HAIKU #2
Carbon, oh carbon!
You’re in every pencil,
and all grammar schools.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #1
I fly through the air
With such magnificent ease
Because you will not move.
CHURCH POLE VAULTING HAIKU #2
You are quite unable
To move toward the middle.
So I must pole vault.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Ugandan Appetizer
INGREDIENTS
1 garlic clove
¼ red onion
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
⅔ cup water (about)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil (additional 12 tablespoons later)
12 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 tablespoon per side of chapati)
PREPARATION
Mince garlic and red onion. Add flour and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Make dough by slowly adding water. Knead or smoosh with hands after each addition of water. The dough has enough water when it sticks together and is just a bit moist. Add 1 tablespoon oil to dough. Knead with hands. Add minced garlic and red onion and knead dough once more. Cover dough and let sit for 20 minutes.
Separate dough into 6 balls. Roll dough out into circles ¼” to ½” thick. Add 1 tablespoon oil to pan for each side of chapati. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Fry dough circles, chapati, one at a time. Fry each side for 1-to-1½ minutes or until golden brown. Monitor the frying of the chapati. You will need to reduce the cooking time or temperature as the temperature of the oil increases.
Chapati goes great with rolex, Ugandan rolled eggs.
TIDBITS
1) It is not advisable to keep nitroglycerine around the house when making chapati.
2) What if you dropped the mixing bowl on the floor? Well, the loud noise it would make might cause the nitroglycerine to explode.
3) Then where would you be?
4) All over the place. All over the neighborhood in fact.
5) Even if you managed to pull yourself together after all this fuss, your chapati would be a goner. And how would you start over with your kitchen destroyed? Don’t even think of asking your neighbors to use their kitchen. You now have a reputation as a messy cook. People will shun you until you give them chocolate doughnuts and chocolate doughnuts are mighty hard to share.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
SUPERMARKET HAIKU #1
Blocking the aisle.
Have you taken up residence?
Please make up your mind.
SUPERMARKET HAIKU #2
Blocking the aisle.
Hey, are you memorizing
The ingredients?
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Nigerien Entree
INGREDIENTS
3 chicken breasts
1 small eggplant*
1 leek
1 medium onion
3 potatoes
4 tomatoes
4½ tablespoons peanut butter
2½ tablespoons peanut oil
1 cup chicken broth
1 pili pili pepper (or Thai chile, Fresno chile, bird’s eye pepper, or ½ teaspoon cayenne)
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
* = Not everyone loves eggplant. Don’t worry though if you hate eggplant. You don’t have to put it in the recipe and you needn’t worry about being unauthentic for excluding it. Most of the time cooks use whatever vegetables are at hand. If a guest queries you about the missing eggplant–and how many people do you know have knowledge of Nigerien cuisine?–simply say, “Sorry, this recipe comes from a region of Niger where they simply don’t have eggplant.” If the guest still complains, zap him with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
PREPARATION
Cut chicken breasts into 1″ cubes. Cut eggplant into ½”-thick slices. Dice leek. and onion. Cut potatoes into 1″ cubes. Remove seeds from chile pepper. Dice chile pepper.
Peel skins from tomatoes. A good way to do this is by boiling the tomatoes. Add water to pot. Bring water to boil using high heat. While water is coming to boil, make a cut all the way around each of the tomatoes. Put tomatoes in boiling water for 20 seconds. Remove tomatoes and place them in a bowl of ice water. The skins should come off easily. Now dice tomatoes.
Add chicken cubes, leek, onion, and peanut oil in large pot. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until chicken cubes and leek and onion soften. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low Add chicken broth, eggplant, peanut butter, potato, tomato, chile pepper, pepper, and salt. Cover and simmer for 40 minutes or until potato cubes are soft. Peanut chicken stew goes well with white rice.
TIDBITS
1) Niger’s women give birth to 7.37 children. That’s an average, of course. Still, it makes you think. Nigerien women eat eggplant. They have lots of kids. Presumably, one could practice birth control by not eating any eggplant.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INSURANCE HAIKU #1
I call insurance.
I see continents drifting
While I wait, wait, wait
INSURANCE HAIKU #2
The check’s in the mail.
Your call is very important.
We’ll be right with you.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Namibian Appetizer
INGREDIENTS
3½ cups wheat flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
3½ tablespoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup butter (additional 2 tablespoons later)
⅔ cup low-fat milk
1 egg
½ teaspoon vegetable oil
2 tablespoons butter
SPECIAL UTENSIL
loaf pan
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Add flour, baking powder, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, ground cloves, and salt to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork. Add butter, milk, egg, and vegetable oil. Knead bread for at least 5 minutes or until dough becomes smooth.
Melt 2 tablespoons butter. Coat loaf pan with melted butter. Add dough to loaf pan. Smooth surface of dough. Bake at 360 degrees for 35-to-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the loaf comes out clean or the loaf sounds hollow when tapped.
Butter goes fantastic with this bread, particularly so if the bread is still warm.
TIDBITS
1) There is a lot of sand in Namibia.
2) The sand there is usually on the ground and not in the air.
3) Sand lies on the ground in other countries as well. This is because sand is heavier than air.
4) Mostly. There’s little sand in Greenland. We can only conclude that Greenlandic sand weighs less than Namibian sand. That or Greenlandic sand has achieved consciousness and has learned how to fly.
5) NASA is quite interested in Greenland’s flying sand. They might go to Mars using it.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Much has been made lately about how illegal aliens are the root cause of our country’s woes. Fine debate indeed, often reaching the lofty level of thinking. But unfortunately, all this animated discourse obscures the greatest threat to America.
Poorly groomed zombies.
I mean look at them. They wear shabby clothes, never comb their hair, and always, always have unsightly blood smears around their mouths.
Everyone knows I’m no prude and am incredibly open minded, but the undead really creep me out. They putrefy all over the place and don’t even get me started on zombie marriage.
Zombies don’t even attempt to fit in. Is it so hard to bathe? I know it’s hard to own a home with a shower in it when you lose all your assets upon death. But if you have the initiative to find people and eat them–especially when your live victims are so much faster than you–then how hard is it to find a public shower, at the beach for instance?
And if you can’t shower every day, why not carry around a supply of moist towelettes? You’re just not going to get invited to any neighborhood barbeques with blood dripping off your chin. It just gives you away as someone who kills and eats humans. And that sort is never welcome at parties.
And that brings me to another point. Why the heck, do you zombies have to eat live humans all the time? It’s so rude. Why not try live pigs? It’s the other live, white meat. And how about vegetables? Why not eat vegetables? Your body’s decaying. You really need a balanced diet. Remember roughage. Poohing is likely to more difficult for you. Not trying to be rude, just saying.
And don’t even try to collect Social Security. You’re dead, okay?
– Paul R. De Lancey, Concerned Citizen
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Chadian Entree
INGREDIENTS
2½ pounds summer squash (zucchini, patty pan, or crookneck)
2½ tablespoons peanut or vegetable oil
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups roasted peanuts
1 teaspoon brown sugar
SPECIAL UTENSIL
Dutch oven
Makes 12 bowls.
PREPARATION
Peel and cut squash into 1″ cubes. Add squash and peanut oil to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until squash is tender. Stir frequently. Add salt, roasted peanuts, and sugar. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally.
TIDBITS
1). Chad is a person.
2) Chad is a country.
3) Wouldn’t it be neat to have a country named about yourself? Consider naming your next child Belgium.
4) Chad is bad when it hangs from a ballot. Some people think that hanging chads changed the 2000 American presidential election. If candidate Al Gore had won that election instead of George Bush, American history, and indeed world history would have been different.
5) How different? Different enough so that tidbit 4) wouldn’t have been written differently.
8) There’s a famous Isaac Asimov story where a man goes back in time to shoot a dinosaur. He strays off the marked path and steps on a butterfly. He returns to his own time to find that the presidential election was changed, just like in tidbit 4).
9) A lot of people spoke out against hanging chads, including many, many Chads.
10) It’s good to see people getting involved in the political process. Now is the time for all good Sarahs to come to the aid of their country.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
GOLF HAIKU
“@#$@ ^&%# $#@ @#$&*(+
“#V%^! $%#_+( @@@#$$%% !$&^*)
“j#X!.? @#@ <>,. $#%!!”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 