INSURANCE HAIKU #1
I call insurance.
I see continents drifting
While I wait, wait, wait
INSURANCE HAIKU #2
The check’s in the mail.
Your call is very important.
We’ll be right with you.
– Paul R. De Lancey
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 cups heavy whipping cream
5 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
⅛ teaspoon salt
SPECIAL UTENSILS
food processor or blender
3 cup Mason jar
Makes 2½ cups. Takes 20 minutes to make and 4 hours to firm in freezer.
PREPARATION
Add chocolate chips to pan. Melt using low-medium heat. Stir constantly. Add melted chocolate chips and all other ingredients to 3 cup Mason jar. Make sure that the lid to Mason jar is screwed on tightly. Shake jar vigorously for 5 minutes or until mixture thickens to the consistency of batter. Put jar in freezer. Let sit for 4 hours or until firm.
TIDBITS
1) Family dinners can often be quite contentious.
2) Why?
3) There’s always someone who doesn’t like some dish that you made for the gathering on the clan.
4) And you spent up to two days making your feast.
5) And someone always brings up politics, which always gets people riled.
6) But this argument gets forgotten when someone offers to help and puts your grandmother’s cast-iron skillet in the washer. 30 minutes your angel of a daughter, Sally, looks up at you with soulful eyes. Tears drip down as she quavers, “Mommy, you were going to give that skillet one day.” Her distress punches you in the feels as you review the ingratitude and argument of the dining room. You wish, you really wish that just once serenity could prevail while eating with those oafs.
7) With this recipe your wish is granted. Everybody, absolutely everyone loves chocolate ice cream. Eating this dessert makes everyone so happy that they become strangely pleasant. Furthermore, this dish takes almost no effort to make and is so easy to clean. What more could you want?
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
GOLF HAIKU
Iggy piggy poo.
Stupid ass devil golf club,
I shall destroy you.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 4-ounce skin-on salmon fillets
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
1¼ teaspoons minced garlic
1¼ teaspoons lemon juice
1 lemon
¼ teaspoon parsley (⅛ teaspoon at a time)
SPECIAL UTENSILS
air fryer
parchment paper
Serves 2. Takes 40 minutes.
PREPARATION
Pat the salmon fillets dry with a paper towel. Rub salmon with pepper and salt. Add butter, garlic, and lemon juice to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Brush salmon fillets all over butter/lgarlic/emon juice. Cut lemon into 4 quarters.
Place parchment paper in bottom of air fryer. Preheat air fryer to 390 degrees. Cook for 10 minutes at 390 degrees or until salmon flakes easily with fork. Garnish with 2 lemon quarters and ⅛ teaspoon parsley. Repeat for 2nd salmon fillet.
TIDBITS
1) The ancient Sumerians, who lived in what would become modern Iraq, developed writing in 3500 B.C. They wrote on garlic-butter salmon fillets, using dried parsley instead of ink.
2) The above photo is a Sumerian haiku. It says:
You are so pretty
Leave that oaf of yurs and we’ll
Flee this here city*
* = Haikus were hard to write even back then, especially without spell and grammar checkers.
3) But Sumerian salmon haikus quickly died out. It was simply too expensive to get salmon from Alaska to Sumeria. All the salmon went bad on that ten-year voyage. The lovely object of a man’s affection never got close enough to the reeking salmon to read to love poem. Summeria’s birth rate briefly crashed to zero until a bright young woman thought of etching symbols in clay. Whew!
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Be nice and say please.
Clean up after your murders.
Always say thank you.
– Paul R. De Lancey,
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Moby Dick was to be portrayed by a whale in the movie with the same name. There are, of course, sperm whales that can be hired for the role. However, sperm whales know they have no serious competition from human actors, not even the ever superb and ever versatile Tom Cruise. Sperm whales realize this and charge $100,000 a day while on the set. White sperm whales are much rarer and command acting fees of $10,000,000 a day. No motion-picture studio can afford such a cost.
This is why the movie Moby Dick starring Gregory Peck did not film actual white sperm whales. The studio simply could not afford to cast Spanky the Sperm Whale.
So what did they do? There answer was ingenuous. They simply boiled some far-cheaper weisswursts. German white sausages, and drew mouths and eyes on them with a black marker. You really can’t tell the difference unless you see the white sperm whale and the weisswursts side by side and motionless as can be seen below
Of course, Hollywood always wants a sequel to any blockbuster. It never happened in this case, because the studio’s coffee lady moved to New Zealand, However, my sources told me the sequel would have been called Caleb Dick, Moby’s son. The above picture on the right was a promotional poster for the never-materialized second movie. Now you know.
Oh, and it took more time than I care to reveal to come up with the above pictures. However, that time would have surely been spent by me fomenting revolution in the streets. And we don’t need that.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2½ tablespoons jerk seasoning*
2½ tablespoons olive oil
2½ tablespoons lime juice
4 5-ounce salmon fillets with skin
* = Jerk seasoning or Jamaican jerk seasoning can be found at many supermarkets, ethnic grocery stores or online. It’s good to have some of this around particularly here where the jerk seasoning combines 14 ingredients.
SPECIAL UTENSILS
outdoor grill
meat thermometer
Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 50 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add jerk seasoning, olive oil, and lime juice to large mixing bowl. Stir this marinade with fork until well blended. Brush both sides of all fillets with marinade. Place coated salmon fillets on plates. Let marinate in refrigerator for 1 hour 30 minutes.
Preheat outdoor grill to medium Place salmon fillets on grill, skin side down. Grill for 5 minutes. Flip fillets. Grill for another 3 minutes or until salmon is opaque and flaky.
Or if you have a meat thermometer, take the salmon off the grill when the internal temperature reaches 125. Let the fillets sit for 3 minutes. This will get a medium salmon fillet. The FDA recommends an internal temperature of 145 degrees. Goodness.
TIDBITS
1) Jamaicans love grilled jerk salmon. The salmon of choice remains the King Salmon which can weigh over 120 pounds. Strong chefs lifted the hefty salmon to the cleaning table to clean the fish.. Then the chefs brushed the King Salmon with a jerk marinade. After an hour, the cooks placed the salmon on the grill. The whole process became the Clean, Jerk, and Grill.
2) Many people watched the muscular men lift and prepare the salmon. In 1921, preparing this dish became a national sport. The Clean, Jerk, and Grill became an Olympic sport in 1948. As salmon goes bad quickly under hot summer sun, organizers switched out salmon for metallic weights and so the event has remained as the Clean and Jerk. (Because you can’t grill weights.) Now you know.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The struggle is real.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2¼ cups quinoa
3 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 tomato
¼ cup vegetable oil
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon oregano
¼ teaspoon pepper
1¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes
½ teaspoon salt
⅔ cup chicken or beef broth
½ cup grated Chihuahua or mozzarella cheese
¾ pound medium-large shrimp (36-40 count) peeled, deveined
3 tablespoons fresh parsley
SPECIAL UTENSIL
fine-mesh colander
Serves 6. Takes 35 minutes.
PREPARATION
Rinse and drain quinoa in colander. Do this 2 more times or until the run-off water is clear. Add quinoa to medium pot. Add enough water to cover quinoa. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir enough to prevent burning. Cover and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 12 minutes or until quinoa absorbs all the water. Stir enough to prevent burning.
While quinoa simmers, mince garlic, onion, and tomato. Add vegetable oil, garlic, and onion to large pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low-medium. Add cumin, oregano, pepper, red pepper flakes, and salt. Stir with spatula until well blended. Add broth, quinoa, tomato, and cheese. Simmer for 3 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add shrimp. Simmer stew for another 3 minutes or until shrimp turns pink or orange. Stir occasionally. While quinoa stew simmers, mince parsley. Garnish stew with parsley.
TIDBITS
1) If you’re going to propose after dinner, make a dish that’s just enough for two. Some recipes don’t say how many people they’ll serve. You have to guess. But if it the entree actually feeds 5,223, you’ll be too busy cooking to propose. And you’ll be eating leftovers for a long, long time.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Haiku to Heteroskedasticity
Some words are quite long
Heteroskedasticity
Is one of those those.*
* = “Those those” because the last line needs five syllables. Haikus aren’t easy to write either.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 