Posts Tagged With: baseball

Why Neanderthals Went Extinct

If only they could have hit the curveball.

The following is an extract from the best-seller, We’re French and You’re Not, so it must be true.
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“Robert, I wonder why Cro-Magnon survived and Neanderthal died out.”

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“Let me tell you ma chérie. My five-hundredth great grandfather was there.”
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“Your five-hundredth great grandfather?”
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“Yes, his name was Henri Ogg. Henri was upset that the Neanderthals didn’t properly spice their mastodon steaks. So, he started boycotting Neanderthal restaurants. Other Cro-Magnons followed suit. The Neanderthals retaliated by banning us from their hot springs. Fights started here and there. Soon, a stone-axe race began.
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“A war of annihilation nearly broke out. Instead, Monsieur Ogg tactfully suggested a baseball game to determine the extermination.“
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“Baseball was much different then, with bats fashioned from enormous twigs and five balls needed to get a walk. Both sides played this game of extinction in typical, jovial dawn-of-mankind fashion. Hunter-gatherers supplied food to the enormous crowd.
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“It was an exciting game. Many fans forgot to breathe and died. It all came down to the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded with the score: Cro-Magnons: All fingers of five men and three fingers of another, to Neanderthals: All fingers of five men and two of another.

“The Neanderthals had their best batter at the plate, Craggy. He sneered at our pitcher, Henri Ogg. Ogg hurled a blood ball, it was legal then. Craggy sneered and stepped away. Strike one!

“Henri hurled an anthrax ball. Craggy yawned. Strike two!
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“The crowd tensed. The Neanderthals smiled. Surely, Craggy would win the game now.

“Henri hurled a plain fastball. Craggy shattered the air with his mighty swing.

“Oh, somewhere the sun was shining and the people laughing, but there was no joy for the first cavemen; mighty Neanderthal was wiped out.”

“How do we know the Cro-Magnons were truly ahead?” says Harriet. “After all, cavemen were often missing fingers.”

“Hush.”
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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The Safari Sure Doesn’t Trust Jambo

I recently went to Safari Park. I had thought that Jambo had been by various police forces on the East Coast, he had lived a clean life out here in Southern California. I had even chatted briefly with him. He likes cooking, baseball, and avoids politics. So okay.

But now his dodgy ways have contaminated the pristine life of San Diego County. So much so that there’s a sign just for him at the entrance to San Diego’s Safari Park. As you can see in the photo below.

It says, “Jambo!”

“Please Stop At The Toll Booth.”

Jambo has been warned.

The photographer has been fired

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: law enforcement, misread | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Air Fryer French Fries

American Appetizer

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AIR FRYER FRENCH FRIES

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INGREDIENTS
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¾ pound russet potato
⅛ teaspoon salt
⅛ teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon duck fat or olive oil
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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french-fry cutter
spray bottle
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Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Use french-fry cutter to cut potato into strips. Put french-fry strips into mixing bowl. Add french-fry strips,  pepper, and salt. Toss strips until well coated. Toss strips, spraying fries with duck fat as you do so. (You might need to melt duck fat into oil before putting it into a spray bottle.)
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Add coated strips to air-fryer basket. Arrange them in a single layer, if possible. Try not to overlap. (You might need to cook in batches. Set temperature to 380 degrees. Set timer to 10 minutes. Shake air-fryer basket. Again set timer to 10 minutes or until fries turn golden brown and become crisp. Sprinkle with extra pepper and salt as needed.
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TIDBITS
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1) Potatoes figure prominently in so many tasty dishes.
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2) What are they? French fries comes to mind. So does shepherd’s pie.
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3) They also make tolerable, if short-lived, baseballs. “Hitting a tater” is a metaphor for hitting. Indeed, culinary historians point to a game in 1913 between Biloxi Shrimp and the Selma Grits where the teams used 423 taters to complete the game. An impromptu mashed potato festival followed the contest.. Be sure to visit Selma on May 5 for its annual Potato Revelry.
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4) It’s little known that the English army used potatoes during its siege of La Mouche in 1387. The English trebuchets flung ton after ton into the starving town. Unfortunately for the besiegers, the highly nutritious potatoes enabled the villagers to stave off famine. The English then hurled potatoes at the town walls. Nothing. The English lifted the siege. The townsfolk rejoiced, but to this very day, no one there will ever dine on a potato. “Ouf.”
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5) Potatoes also make great paperweights and subjects for still-life paintings. Potatoes also prove essential to filling a sack of potatoes with potatoes. Who knew?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cinnamon Shea Butter Soap

CINNAMON SHEA BUTTER SOAP

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INGREDIENTS
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½ teaspoon brown mica powder
1 tablespoon isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds shea butter base
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon cinnamon essential oil
isopropyl alcohol
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SPECIAL UTENSIL
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soap mold
spray bottle
soap slicer (optional)
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Makes 10½ bars, 1″ wide. Takes 3 hours.
PREPARATION
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Add brown mica and 1 tablespoon isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
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Cut shea butter base into 1″ cubes. Add shea butter base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in 30 second intervals. Stir after every time. Add pale brown mica powder/isopropyl mix and cinnamon essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 15 minutes. (This inhibits cinnamon from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add cinnamon. Mix with knife until well blended.
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Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol. Pour melted soap into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
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Let sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into bars 1″ wide.
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TIDBITS
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1) The New York Mets played baseball in Shea Stadium from 1964 to 2008. Most people agree that Shea Stadium was named after William A. Shea the man who led the effort to bring National League baseball back to New York.
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2) Culinary historians disagree. They maintain the stadium got its name because it was built mainly from cinnamon. Indeed, culinary engineers tell us that cinnamon sticks when subjected to enough pressure will be stronger than steel. Unfortunately, the cost of producing super strong I beams and pillars out of cinnamon proved to be prohibitive. All future stadiums would employ steel for all sorts of things. Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: soap | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Boyhood Baseball Hero – Lou Johnson

There have many baseball greats. One of them, Willie Mays, has quite rightly received much praise, especially recently.

But I’d like to tell you about the player who has a firm place in my heart.

He’s Lou Johnson.

He was an outfielder during the 1960s. He played in 677 games, was at at bat 2,049 times, hit 48 home runs, and had a batting average of .258.

But he was very, very nice to me.

I believe it was the summer of 1966. I lived in Arcadia, California. Southern California suffered through about six days a week of heavy smog. I could not see mountains a mere mile away. I can still feel the horrible stinging in my eyes whenever I think of that smog. I’m suffering through such a flashback as I type.

I was an Angels fan; my brother rooted for the Dodgers. And because my brother followed the Dodgers, I felt obliged to hate them. So, I felt quite unhappy when my mother said we were going to a supermarket parking lot to get a signed poster of a Dodger!

The line was long. The polluted air stung my eyes. Tears rolled down my face. I could not keep my eyes open. My mom had to lead me forward.

I don’t remember exactly what happened. But Lou Johnson noticed my distress and talked to me. I really can’t remember what he said, my eyes were in too much pain. I made the effort to get a glimpse of this wonderful man.

Oh gosh, I’m tearing up something fierce, it must be from that onion I’ll be dicing for dinner.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Buddha’s Hand Vinaigrette

American Appetizer

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BUDDHA’S HAND VINAIGRETTE

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INGREDIENTS
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½ cup olive oil or grapeseed oil
½ tablespoon salt
¼ cup lemon juice
5 tablespoons Buddha’s hand zest *
2 garlic clove
2 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
½ teaspoon thyme
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* = It is quite possible that you’ll need to make your own zest from a Buddha’s hand citron.  Buddha’s hand citron in organic or specialty supermarkets such as SproutsTM.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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zester, if as likely, you bought Buddha’s hand citron
Mason jar
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Makes 1 cup.  Takes 10 minutes or 25 minutes if you need to make your own zest.
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PREPARATION
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Add all ingredients to Mason jar. Shake until well blended.
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TIDBITS
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1) Buddha’s Hand is supposed look like the hand of Buddha. Apparently, Buddha had about 16 fingers on a hand. Who knew?
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2) Baseball at one time, also had strange nicknames that referred to parts of the body. The best ones are:
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Bris “The Human Eyeball” Lord. His middle name is Robotham. Really.
Nick “Tomato Face” Cullup
Walt “No Neck” Williams
Wilbur “Raw Meat” Rodgers
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Football had Lou “The Toe” Groza
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The best non-body nickname is “Death to Flying Things” and was applied to Jack Chapman, Bob Ferguson, and Franklin Gutiérrez.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pumpkin Shea Butter Soap

PUMPKIN SHEA BUTTER SOAP

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INGREDIENTS
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½ pound pumpkin pulp* (no stringy bits)
1 teaspoon orange mica powder
2 teaspoons pumpkin** spice
2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds shea butter soap base
1 teaspoon cinnamon leaf essential oil
isopropyl alcohol or butter to coat molding
isopropyl alcohol to spray away bubbles forming on soap
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* = Use the pumpkin pulp from your Halloween pumpkin or possibly pick up a free Halloween pumpkin from your supermarket on November 1.
** = Or substitute with 1 teaspoon cinnamon, ¼ teaspoon ground cloves, ½ teaspoon ginger, and ¼ teaspoon nutmeg.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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food processor
soap mold
spray bottle
microwave
soap slicer (optional)
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Makes 10½ bars, 1″ wide. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Puree pumpkin pulp in food processor and set aside. Add orange mica powder, pumpkin spice, and 2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
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Cut shea butter base into 1″ cubes. Add shea butter base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in microwave with timer set at 30 seconds. Stir after every time. Add orange mica powder/isopropyl mix and cinnamon leaf essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 6 minutes. (This inhibits pumpkin bits from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add pureed pumpkin. Mix with knife until well blended.
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Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol or rub with butter. Pour into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
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TIDBITS
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1) Spoiler alert, this soap, Pumpkin Shea Butter Soap uses pumpkin.
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2) So does pumpkin pie.
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3) So do many recipes from Africa.
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4) Pumpkins have other uses.
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5) Like jack o’lanterns.
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6) Like pumpkin bowling ball.
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7) Culinary sport historians assert that pumpkin bowling started in the northern states of the Union in 1865.
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8) Because every Northern soldier returning home after the end of the Civil War was given 50 pumpkins when mustered out of the army.
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9) This meant northern towns and cities became inundated with pumpkins.
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10) Pumpkins that would eventually rot. Ugh.
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11) There were only so many pumpkin pies and African entrees featuring pumpkins that people would eat.
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12) So naturally, pumpkin lawn bowling leagues sprang up in any town greater than 6 people.
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13) Didn’t the pumpkin bowling balls break apart when they hit the bowling pins? Yes, they did. But remember, each returning soldier returned with 50 pumpkins.
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14) Pumpkins still remained. Pumpkin Baseball flourished for two weeks in the summer of ‘65.
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15) Frank Butler and Bartolomeo Diaz of Madison, Wisconsin thought up the game of basket ball on June 15th, 1865.
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16) Pumpkin basketball was such fun. The 39 seconds of the first game thrilled the local fans.
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17) But it took only two shots to demolish the pair of pumpkins. Madison would not get anymore pumpkins until harvest time in the fall.
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18) By which time, people plain forgot about Pumpkin Basket Ball, what with the long days devoted to harvesting and eating pumpkin pies.
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19) This is why June 15th is only remembered as a day to pay taxes and not by the National Basketball Association.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history, soap | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Loving Poem About Cows

Cows

Bovine warrior

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Praise to the noble cow.
Its flesh gives us beef.
Its hide gives us baseballs.
Its udder gives us milk.

What does the cow get from us?
A little bit of food in a small pen.
Artificial insemination.
Then we kill it with whirling knives.

Bovine silence can’t be good.
It’s thinking up something.
Chomping. Chomping. Plotting revenge.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: observations, poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turtles That Tango

 

Hector’s vegetable matter outfit makes him irresistible Photo Courtesy of Steve Kramer

What’s the latest craze sweeping the nation?

Is it televison dance contest with stars?

No.

Is it a television dance contest with ordinary men and women?

No. And that’s rather specieist of you.

It’s a dancing with turtles.

Specifically, Turtles That Tango.

Yep, that gets your heart pumping faster as you root for your favorite turtles to out tango the rest. Fill your adrenaline fix by watching it every week on ESPN8. You’ll never watch football or soccer again.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Loving Poem About Baseball and the Time Space Continuum

 

 

Baseball

I practiced baseball
with my son yesterday,
I hit a ball so high
that it never came down.
Oh dear, I think
I’ve destroyed the
time-space continuum.

We may have only one day
left of existence.
On the plus side,
you won’t need to worry
about your overdue
library books.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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