Posts Tagged With: murders

Paul’s Awesome Buyers’ Report – Plastic Wrap

While we’ve been concentrating on foreign wars, domestic politics, and the economy, an issue of great importance to all of us has been allowed to fester.

Namely, the truly fetid state of many plastic wraps. Plastic wraps, WHEN THEY WORK, are invaluable in helping food last longer. When they don’t work, the plastic usually is doing a fantastic job of adhering to itself. It’s nigh on impossible to remove any plastic from the rest of the plastic on the roll. Indeed, the whole state of affairs has gotten so bad, that some of the poorer militaries around the world use rolls of plastic wrap in their bazookas.

American consumers yearn for information on plastic wrap. Who will help them choose the good wraps and avoid the bad ones? Who? Who will bear the consumers’ burden?

America, Paul’s Awesome Buyer’s Report hears you. Here is its first in depth analysis.

But first, we must go over PABE’s, Paul’s Awesome Buyers’ Report, rating system.

From worst to best:

Evil
Bad
So so
Good
Heavenly

In this issue I analyzed the following wraps

Saran(tm) Premim Wrap – Evil

I could not any plastic to pull off the roll no matter how hard and long I tried. I ended up throwing it away,

Reynolds(tm) Kitchens Plastic Wrap – Good

The great virtue of this product is its built-in side cutter. As Reynolds states, “Clean cut every time.” You’ll never again buy any plastic wrap without a built-in a side cutter.

Reynold’s = Good
Saran’s = Evil

­

There.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Paul's Awesome Buyers Report | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Simplify Jigsaw Puzzles

Jigsaw puzzles can be lots of fun.  Finishing them elicits effusive praise from guests. Completing the puzzle makes your spouse respect you for the first time in months. “You completed a project. Well done!”

However, puzzle solving can take hours, dozens of hours, and even dozens of weeks, if you even finish. Yep, you’ll probably give up. Your latest failure will drive her to desert you. Her farewell note of “You clod, I’ve run off with the milkman” will be all the more hurtful for the fact that your neighborhood hasn’t had a milkman in 40 years.

And if you stick to your puzzle quest, no matter the cost, chances are there will be a missing piece. Where did the piece go? Is it hiding somewhere on the floor, did it migrate to your sock drawer, or did your puzzle box simply have a piece missing? No matter, it’s missing. You won’t regain your mate’s love and adoration.

He: You didn’t finish the puzzle.
You: I did. All but one piece.
He: Like I haven’t heard that one before.

And then he leaves, claiming to go to the store to buy a particle accelarator. He doesn’t come back. Your life is bereft of joy. Well mostly, you do look forward to not picking up his socks anymore.

What’s the solution? A one-piece puzzle! Everyone of us finish that. And quickly, too. No more looking at a box of 1,000 pieces and guessing if they are all there. Buy the one-piece puzzle. We can all count to one. Yes we can.

Look below to see the one-piece puzzle I just completed..

1 piece puzzle of the world.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: I simplify | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hard Day

No full-blown blog today. Today has been physically tiring and emotionally draining.

You’ll have to behave yourself in my absence.

metaphorical me

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: lifestyle | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What Does the Flat Earth Look Like?

Flat Earthers walk among us. They claim, of course, that the Earth is flat. But what sort of flat shape do they assert our planet to be? Is it a rectangular disc? A oval one? Or even a flat doughnut with a hole in the middle? Do we eat doughnts to symbolically eat our home? This discussion is important if we don’t walk off the Earth’s edges? I do hope Earth isn’t a flat doughnut. We might fall into our planet’s doughnut hole! We’d drop forever!

Anyway, here are three leading theories for the Earth disc.

rectangle                                                                               oval                                                                doughnut

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: explanations, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

We are Living In End Times

Let’s face it, calls for violence increase daily. Slogans urging murder and extermination even show up at your local breakfast restaurant. It happened here. In my home town. Today. Be afraid, be very afraid.

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word: Loralist

We are so proud of ourselves. We finally wrote down every last item we wanted, only to forget that piece of paper. Augh!

But we don’t have a word to describe this behavior.

It’s high time to correct this oversight.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

loralist

Awesome entry #18

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Candidate Paul Fights for American Motorists

Consider all the things that infuriate you every day. Does the present lot of politicians ever propose anything to help end such frustration?

They do not.

America clearly needs me to be its president. Right away.

If elected, I will . . .

If elected #2

­

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Good Chefs Always Use Natural Ingredients

Yes, they do.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: wise words | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Candidate Paul Fights for America

Consider all the things that infuriate you every day. Does the present lot of politicians ever propose anything to help end such frustration?

They do not.

America clearly needs me to be its president.

If elected, I will . . .

­

­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word: Squink

Our manners remain so ingrained in us that we always apologize for any misdeed.  So much so, that we apologize when no ones around.

But we don’t have a word to describe this behavior.

It’s high time to correct this oversight.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

squink

Awesome entry #16

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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