Posts Tagged With: milk

I Fight Santa Claus

Posted on December 25, 2024 by pauldelancey

Man of music, man of rage

Sorry this post had to be filed via a time machine, but I got into a fistfight with Santa Claus. He came down the chimney in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Harry Truman was still president when the chimney was last cleaned. So he got a facefull of dirt and twigs, dust, spider webs, and grimes all over his once red and white suit.

Did he like the fact that there was a fireplace screen and a sofa blocking the chimney’s exit?

No, he did not.

Indeed, he said, “What sort of an aadvark’s butt hole puts a screen and a sofa to block my way? And where the feck are my milk and cookies? This house blows dead bears!”

I drew myself to 90 percent of my full height. “Yeah well, at least I didn’t let my reindeer bully Rudolph and exclude him from their reindeer games, you fat, judgmental bastard. Also, I don’t enslave elves to make toys for me, you ball of Arctic pestilence.”

Then words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Fists were raised. Punches were thrown. I out pummeled fatty, having practiced boxing a little bit in college. However, the Jolly Recluse of the North Pole sure could take a punch. That huge belly of Old Saint Nick absorbed anything I could throw at him. The fight went on for hours until Mr. Claus realized he was behind schedule.

He pointed a finger at  me. “Thanks to you, kids in Sub-Saharan Africa won’t get their presents until noon, Inconceivable, you whining pustule.”

I sneered. “Yeah, your wife living in Barbados, well I’ve had her. Hasta la vista, Santy.”

I will always wonder if I could have handled our meeting better. Ouch, my ribs! The Clausorino sure possessed a mean right jab. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a long, hot bath with Epsom salts.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, Santa Claus | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Lyrics of the Beach Boys – 2

Posted on December 18, 2024 by pauldelancey

I used to believe in a lot of things. Then one by one,  I discovered that these beliefs to be false. In their place was . . . nothing, leaving me with an ever blander and more banal existence. The first tenet to fall to reality’s ugly axe was the Easter Bunny. Belief in Santa Claus vanished soon after. That was a tough time. I had to have another glass of milk, neat, to swallow that disappointment. These were childhood traumas. Adolescent beliefs soon fell like dominoes.

Only one cherish belief remained to this day. Now it too has tumbled. Is nothing sacred?

I honestly believed the Beach Boys incorporated mathematics into their work.

Anyway, I held to my heart with the desperate fervor of a near-drowning man holding onto a log that the Beach Boys sang “coastline craze” instead of “cosine craze” in the brilliant song “Catch a wave.” Doesn’t it change the meaning of the song just a bit? You bet. I am bereft of joy. My life no longer has meaning.

Anyway, the real lyrics are:

“And baby, that’s all there is to the coastline craze
“You gotta catch a wave and your sittin’ on top of the world”

And what I heard all these years:

Misheard Lyrics #8

 

Where, of course B stands for Beach Boys and c stands for cosine craze.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Phrase: Gravitational Experiment

Posted on October 7, 2024 by pauldelancey

How many times a day has this happened to you? An apple that was in your hands is now on the floor. Or milk that was all the way to the top of the glass is now spreading on the tablecloth.

The most common explanation for these two events is that you dropped the apple and knocked over the glass of milk. You, are in fact, clumsy.

This reasoning is most unkind. Being called a klutz damages your soul. You get depressed. You’re not even allowed to deal with your grief, your destroyed self esteem, by weeping over the growing puddle of milk. “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” Not only that some former friend will say, “Boy, are you clumsy?” And you are most certainly that. And yet, society denies you the release of sobbing. You find yourself abandoning complete sentences in favor of. Sentence fragments. And we all know sentence fragments are Devil’s gateway to murderous deeds.

However, your downward spiral into gratuitous slaying is isn’t inevitable.

Yay.

We need to change the word clumsiness, even the phrases dropping things and spilling thing. We need an impressive word, scientific words even, to be used instead.

And now there is:

TODAY’S AWESOME PHRASE

Gravitational Experiment

 

Awesome entry #48

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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I Attempt Time Travel

Posted on July 20, 2024 by pauldelancey

It is now 6:35 pm, August 21, 2024

I hope to use my time machine to publish this post of July 19, 2024

Wish me luck.

Think of all those milk bottles and produce that went bad. Simply go back in time and consume them then.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

Categories: science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Garlic Naan

Posted on January 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

Indian Appetizer

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GARLIC NAAN

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INGREDIENTS – NAAN
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1 teaspoon sugar
2 teaspoons yeast (room temperature)
⅓ cup warm water
3⅓ cups flour
½ cup warm milk
¼ cup olive oil (a total of 6⅓ tablespoon more later)
½ cup plain yogurt
¾ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon olive oil (5⅓ tablespoons more later)
5⅓ tablespoons olive oil (16 times with 1 teaspoon each time)
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INGREDIENTS – GARLIC SAUCE
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2½ tablespoons ghee or butter
1½ tablespoons minced garlic
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro
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Makes 8 naans. Takes 2 hours.
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PREPARATION – NAAN
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Add sugar, yeast, and warm water to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until sugar and yeast dissolve. Let sit for 10 minutes or until foamy. Add flour, warm milk, ¼ cup olive oil, yogurt, and salt. Mix with fork until well blended. Knead with hands until a smooth dough ball forms. Add 1 tablespoon oil. Rotate dough ball in oil until well coated. Cover and let sit for 1 hour or until dough ball doubles in size. Push down on dough.
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Add dough ball to flat surface. Divide dough ball into 8 mini-dough balls. Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour.) Roll out mini-dough balls until they are ⅛”-to-¼” thick and about 6″ wide. These are your naans. Add 1 teaspoon olive oil to pan. Warm at medium-high heat until a tiny bit of dough starts to dance. Add 1 mini-dough ball to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 1 minute or  until bubbles form on top. Carefully flip naan, add 1 teaspoon olive oil and sauté for another 1 minute.  Repeat for remaining naans. (Sauté tend to diminish with each naan.
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PREPARATION – GARLIC SAUCE
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Mince cilantro. Add ghee to small pan. Melt ghee at medium heat. Add garlic. Sauté at medium heat for 30 seconds. Stir frequently. Brush naans with equal amounts of ghee/garlic. Sprinkle with cilantro .
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TIDBITS
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1) It’s rainy outside. This makes people, like me, silly. So these tidbits will be devoted to naan sense.
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2) Q: What’s the IT’ crowd’s favorite food?
A: Naan o’ Bytes.
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3) Genghis Khan, a Haiku
Mongol Genghis Khan
Who conquered lands far and wide
Ate our Garlic Naan
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4) Naan
Nan’s Naan
Nun Nan’s Naan
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named gnomes’ knowledge
Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named gnomes’ knowledge now
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5) Q: Can a naan become an American president?
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A: Yes, if was baked in America more than 35 years ago.
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6) Q: Doesn’t a president have to be alive?
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A: That’s why naans who want to become president get frozen.
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7) Q: Doesn’t the American Constitution say anything against cryogenically frozen people?
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A: No, it does not, but neither does it specifically rule out naans.
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So probably frozen naans are okay to preside over America.
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8) Q: But won’t the frozen naan will need to thaw when it’s time to run things? I mean, once it’s thawed, it will only last a few days if left out or at most a few weeks in the fridge?
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A) Yes indeed. This is why political parties try to pick a qualified candidate for vice president.
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9) Q: Couldn’t a progressively stale naan picked a fresh naan to be vice president? Then when that naan becomes president, select another naan to follow in its footsteps? Couldn’t we have one naan president after another until the next election?
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stroopwafel

Posted on December 26, 2023 by pauldelancey

Dutch Dessert

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STROOPWAFEL

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INGREDIENTS – WAFFLE
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¼ cup milk, warm
2¼ teaspoon yeast
½ cup butter, softened (⅓ cup more later)
2 eggs
¼ teaspoon salt
2¼ cups flour
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INGREDIENTS – FILLING
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1 cup brown sugar
⅓ cup butter, softened
3 tablespoons light corn syrup*
3 tablespoons molasses*
¾ teaspoon cinnamon
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* = Or substitute stroop syrup for these two ingredients. Stroop syrup can be found online.
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INGREDIENT – ASSEMBLY
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no-stick spray
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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electric beater
pizzelle maker
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Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.
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PREPARATION – WAFFLE
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Add warm milk and yeast to small mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Add ½ cup butter, eggs, and salt. Mix with electric beater set on medium until well blended. Add flour and knead until a smooth dough ball forms. Divide dough ball into 12 mini dough balls. Cover with cloth and set aside for 1 hour.
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PREPARATION – FILLING
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Add all filling ingredients to pan. Stir over low heat until butter and brown sugar melt. Let sit for 10 minutes.
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PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
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Spray pizzelle maker with no-stick spray. Add a mini dough ball to center of each spot in the pizzelle maker. Press down on mini dough ball with spatula or oven mitt until it gets to about ½” of the edge of each pizzelle spot. Use pizzelle maker’s instructions to cook mini dough balls into cookies. Remove cookies. Use spatula to spread 1½ tablespoons filling over all of 1 cookie. Place a 2nd cookie on top of cookie with filling to form Stroopwafel. Repeat until all cookies have been used.
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TIDBITS
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1) Many people wonder how to pronounce “stroop” in Stroopwafel.
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2) Is it pronounced stroop or stroop?
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3) In fact, the second pronunciation is correct.
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4) Now you know.
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5) For the longest time, I never made this dessert as I had never thought this dessert was worth the money needed to buy a pizzelle.
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6) Pizzelle is a strange looking word.
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7) Anyway, I got a pizzelle maker for Christmas. Apparently Santa thought I had been rather well behaved.
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8) And indeed, I had indeed carried myself with distinction.
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9) Okay mostly.
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10) Well, just enough of the time to merit a pizzelle maker.
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11) I’m not giving it back. I’m not! I’m not, not even if I received it by mistake.
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12) How could I have received a pizzelle maker by mistake?
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13) I’m guessing that Santa’s sleigh made quite a sharp turn over my chimney to avoid a drone and a pizzelle making came tumbling down out of the toy sack.
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14) Santa hates drones for this very reason.
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15) More and more people and companies are buying drones. The Christmas Eve sky gets ever more difficult for Santa and his deer to navigate.
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16) Culinary Santologists say that Santa’s planning to deploy missile-defense systems on his sleigh for next year’s present run. Now, we’ll really see who’s naughty or nice. Ho! Ho! Ho!
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bring Back the Milkman

Posted on October 23, 2023 by pauldelancey

Often enough, I only need a half gallon of milk, four sticks of butter, or a pound of cheese. Sure I could drive to the store, but it hardly seems worthwhile for just a half gallon of milk when the whole process of driving to the supermarket, parking, finding the milk, checking out, leaving the parking lot, and driving home.

If only there were a simple, convenient way to buy a small amount of dairy. Oh wait, there was. We called him the milkman. We place an order on our door step and he’d bring it from the stores of his truck.

Easy peasy.

And quite often the milkman brought other products as well. Here’s what I remember about the milkmen from the various towns of my youth.

Arcadia, California: The milk truck brought milk and I believe butter.

Earlwood, Australia: The milk truck brought milk and I believe butter and eggs.

Voorburg, Netherlands: The milk truck carried: milk, eggs, cheese, cans of soups, soda, and beer! I believe the milkman also delivered juice and jams.

I want a milkman who will bring all the items his counterpart in the Netherlands did. I want it! I want it!

Going to the store takes too long, cars are driven by nuts, and the stores are far too peoply.

I am willing to pay more for this service than from stores. I worked and saved all my life so I can now afford this service to my door.

Please make this happen. Thank you.

And please also let me know what your milkman delivered? Thanks again.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: about me, cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Orange Goat’s Milk Soap

Posted on October 19, 2023 by pauldelancey

ORANGE GOAT’S MILK SOAP

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INGREDIENTS
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1 teaspoon orange mica powder
2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol
2 pounds goat’s milk soap base
¾ teaspoon orange essential oil
2 tablespoons fresh orange zest*
isopropyl alcohol or butter to coat molding
isopropyl alcohol to spray away bubbles forming on soap
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* = zest from 1 orange or 2 tsp dried orange zest
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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soap mold
spray bottle
microwave
soap slicer (optional)
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Makes 10½ bars, 1″ wide. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Add orange mica powder and 2 tablespoons isopropyl alcohol to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended.
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Cut goat’s milk base into 1″ cubes. Add goat’s milk base to large glass measuring cups. Melt base in microwave with timer set at 30 seconds. Repeat until completely melted. Stir after every microwaving. Add orange mica powder/ isopropyl mix and orange essential oil. Stir with knife until well blended. Let sit for 5 minutes.. (This inhibits orange zest from settling to the bottom of the soap mold.) Add orange zest. Mix with knife until well blended.
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Spray silicon mold with isopropyl alcohol or rub with butter. Pour into soap mold. If desired, lightly spray bubbles with isopropyl alcohol to make them disappear. Let soap sit for 3 hours. Use soap slicer to cut soap into slices 1″ wide.
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TIDBITS
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1) Orange Goat’s Milk might come from an orange goat. Or maybe milk from goats is orange, which would be way cool.
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2) It’s not clear. More uncertainty has been introduced into your life. You might find that you’ll have trouble sleeping .If so, be sure to drink some warm orange goat’s milk before going to bed.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations, soap | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Strawberry Milk

Posted on October 5, 2023 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

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STRAWBERRY MILK

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INGREDIENTS
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6 cups milk
1½ pounds fresh strawberries*
¾ cup sugar
½ cup water
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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blender
fine mesh colander
7 cups of mason jars or other airtight containers.
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* = There are only 4 ingredients providing flavor in this recipe. Please use fresh strawberries.
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PREPARATION
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Remove stems from strawberries. Cut strawberries into 4 pieces. Add strawberry bits, sugar, and water to pan. Bring to soft boil (just starting to bubble) using medium heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until strawberry bits become tender and mixture starts to thicken.
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Remove from heat. Add strawberry mixture to blender. Puree mixture until smooth. If strawberry bits remain, add strawberry puree to colander. Strain strawberry puree through colander.
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Add strained strawberry puree and milk to Mason jars. Mix with long wooden spoon. Will last 2-to-3 days in an airtight containers in the refrigerator.
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TIDBITS
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1) Many people in Medieval Europe believed in witches. Witches could strike you down with nasty illnesses, make off with you cattle, and turn into a newt. So naturally, peasants back then wanted to catch and burn witches. How did you determine if someone was a witch? Why, she had warts all over her face. People suffering from warts got burned at the stake all the time. While bad for suggested witches, such a practice went a long way to eliminating warts. The advent of modern law  meant that no more people went up in flames. Unfortunately, proving witchcraft beyond the shadow of a doubt, means that warts have made a comeback. There is a tradeoff to everything.
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2) It’s exciting to note that “straw” spelled backwards is “warts.” Indeed, Medieval chefs found that “straw”berries canceled out “warts.” Warty faced peasants drank strawberry milk to get better. No more warts, no more witches. No more burnings, a good thing surely. If you ever suspect the law wants to try you as a witch, may I suggest you make this Strawberry Milk right away?
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Loving Poem About Cows

Posted on April 6, 2023 by pauldelancey

Cows

Bovine warrior

.
Praise to the noble cow.
Its flesh gives us beef.
Its hide gives us baseballs.
Its udder gives us milk.

What does the cow get from us?
A little bit of food in a small pen.
Artificial insemination.
Then we kill it with whirling knives.

Bovine silence can’t be good.
It’s thinking up something.
Chomping. Chomping. Plotting revenge.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: observations, poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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