Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I, Doctor Paul, shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.
LF asks: Why do we have middle names?
Dear LF: To distinguish ourselves from crocodiles. Crocodiles have no middle names. Crocodiles are naturally upset about this lack, so be sure to pet them when discussing this with them.
PMC asks: Why do French live in France?
Dear PNC: Sheer coincidence. The French could have just as easily lived in the Antarctica with the penguins living in France instead. This is why French nuns, and indeed nuns everywhere, are sometimes called penguins. Let your local religious know about this. Also, fly all the penguins over to France, they will appreciate the way the French chefs prepare fish. Don’t bother with permits, action and speed are paramount.
JW asks: Should I buy Paul’s book?
Dear JW: Oh yes, buy many. One to read, one to prop up a table with a short leg, one to send to your senator–you’ll be amazed by the influence it will buy you, and as many as needed to put under your mattress. You really need to support your back. It supports you. Only my book is approved by the AMA, American Mattress Association.
MA: Did Steve Beshear say ONE THING to make you think he actually WATCHED the President’s speech?
Dear MA: Who is Steve Beshar? Does his mother know he was out after 10 p.m.? I didn’t watch the speech. I was watching a documentary about bees. It was fascinating. I suggest you send him a box full of bees so he can learn about their habbits as well. Oh, many thanks for saying I think. It is by no means a universal opinion. Meanies.
DZ asks: Spray tan, tanning bed, natural basking, or clammy vampire-esce pallor?
Dear DZ: Don’t limit yourself. Do all four. Dress yourself in an adult-size onesie, spray-tan one arm, tan the other, bask one leg, and leave the other clammy white. People will love it just like the three-in-one flavors of Neapolitan ice cream. Warning, do not buy adult-sized onesies off the rack. Get a fitted one from ArmaniTM. Sure, it will cost more, but think of all the heads you will turn.
JBL asks: Is it Friday yet?
Dear JBL: Yes, it is, but only because we outlasted Thursday. Since you clearly enjoy Friday so much you will need to buy two homes, one just east of the International Dateline and the other just west of it. When it’s Thursday in your Western hemispheric home simply hop into your CessnaTM propeller plane–you will need to buy this as well–and land in your Eastern hemispheric home where it will by Friday. Then when it becomes Saturday there, fly back across the Date Line to your original home where it will be Friday. There, you will have back-to-back Fridays. You’ll have to give up Thursdays forever, but that’s what you wanted, right?
JC asks: Can a chainsaw be used to slice bread?
Dear JC: Absolutely! It’s your kitchen. A chainsaw will slice your bread lickety split. And as bonus, a running chainsaw will discourage the heck out of door-to-door salesmen disturbing your culinary preparations.
DZ asks: Can I submit two? Because I also have trouble remembering people’s names, even when it’s only been a few seconds since they were introduced. Need help.
Dear DZ: Of course, I am here for you. Clearly you can’t count on your memory. You’ll have to write their name with indelible ink on their face. Proper etiquette demands the color of the ink match their hair.
RJ asks: Should I spray tan the cat?
Dear RJ: Only if the tan matches the cat’s eyes. Otherwise, you’ll irritate the feline to no end; they’re very image conscious.
MO’M asks: Should I shake well before using, or expose to open fire or flame?
Dear MO’M: Always, always, have marshmallows already on wooden skewers before exposing anything flammable, including hair spray, alcohol, or your hair to a fire. You’ll feel bad when you wake up in a hospital bed and realize that you missed a good marshmallow roasting. The regret will kill you.
SWW asks: What should I do during the Lenten season? Btw, I’m not Catholic. Maybe petition the pope to make it White Meat Fridays? Then, KFC would get a boost. Or perhaps you have another recommendation. Beaver, alligator, and capybaras are already allowed on Fridays.
Dear SWW: You have to give up something even if you’re not Catholic. Sorry, them’s the rules. Let me be your shining example. I’m giving up lutefisk and liver. Yes, I’m that strong. I think you need to give up plates for Lent. Will this mean you’ll have to juggle your food while eating? Yes, it will. You don’t want to ruin your food by having it land on the tablecloth, because who knows when it was last washed.
WK asks: The chart said to prick the patient’s boil and I get everything backwards. Anyway, how can I do a cover up with little to no money?
Dear WK: Pretend to be a statue until everyone goes away. Eat as much as you can before law enforcement arrives as they will be looking for clues for months. Don’t forget to hold your breath until they go away.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.