My stunt double
Is today July 11?
*My stunt double looks at calendar*
*My stunt double looks at date on cell phone*
They are in accord with each other.
Today is indeed July 11 and our 2024 calendar is correct.
It’s nice to know.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
You can make this number go down
Let’s face it, many of would like to lose weight.
Unfortunately, many of get weighed at the doctor’s office. You see your weight. You didn’t think it was that high! Goodness. The weight taker sees your weight. She writes it down. What is she thinking? It’s probably, “Tsk, tsk.”
You’re sitting in the waiting room waiting for the dread weighing. (Notice the nifty alliteration? The ancient Norsemen valued alliteration over rhyming in their poetry.)
Anyway what can you do in those precious minutes to lower the number on the scale?
I’m glad you asked.
1) Just before weighing, remove your wallet and set it aside. (Hey, it weighs something and it’s not even body mass. Why let it count?)
2) Remove your keys.
3) Remove your cell phone, iPad(tm), whatever.
4) Remove your glasses.
5) Remove your contact lens. (Store them carefully.)
6) Remove your shoes. (The doctor’s staff will let you do this.)
7) Remove your belt and as many as the staff will let you get away. (Still not your body mass, so why let it count?)
8) Exhale and hold your breath. (Those air molecules in your lungs must weigh something.
9) Vist the restroom and spit. (Spit has mass.)
10) Pee and poo. (They too have mass.)
11) It’s trying to poo, even the humble fart has mass.)
12) Comb your hair. (Dandruff has mass.)
13) Look for eye boogers and remove them. (Yep, mass.)
14) Clip your fingernails and toenails. (More mass.)
15) Trim your moustache and pluck your eyebrows. (Excess mass that’s staring you in the mirror.)
16) Remove all makeup and nail polish. (Mass, excess mass.)
Now face your weighting with confidence.
17) Oh, and don’t forget to blow your nose.
Get through your visit with the doctor.
Now go home and treat yourself to a chocolate doughnut, you magnificent sunbeam, you.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
It hid under a floor mat
I got up, showered, and dressed.
My friend and I went to a doctor. Then we went to an exercise class. Then we took lots of bags to what we thought to be a recycling building. It turned out to be a dumpster. The errand took such a long time. Let me tell you Google Maps(tm) is far from infallible.
As am I.
I got home and found out my cell phone was missing. I searched everywhere in my car. I called and called my phone. Nothing. I called my friend. She looked all over and called and called. Nothing. I tried tracking my phone via Google. Nothing. I tried tracking my phone an Apple app. It asked for my password. I didn’t know it as one of the younger natives only picked one to register my phone. The Apple app on my computer informed me that it would take days to get me a new password.
My friend then looked again.
She found it!
It was under one of the floor mats in her car. How was it possible for my phone to find its way there? The mind boggles.
Now I’m too tired and worn out to do anything. I had planned to scurry across the country causing mischief. Maybe tomorrow.
I hope you behaved yourself when I was looking for my phone.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Cell phones have certainly enhanced our lives. Or is that they are really death by enhancement? Every day we receive about one butt-dialed call. But, we too have done our share of butt dialing. I have butt dialed someone I’d never called before. How is this even possible?
And we pay anywhere from $400 to $1,000 for a phone that does this. It’s also easy to misplace. Between the sofa cushions is one of the cell phone’s favorite hiding places.
I want a phone that cannot butt dial and is always is incredibly easy to find. I want, no I must have a phone like this.
Oh happy day, the ancients in their wisdom invented such a phone. They called it the rotary phone.
And here it is.
You can also use me to call your misplaced cell phone.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
We’ve all lost something. Then we looked for it. Usually, the missing item was covered up or in an unexpected place. Sometimes, however, the missing object was in our hands. We went from room to room searching for the thing we carried in our hand. Usually, this missing object is a cell phone. Sometimes, we have even looked for a cell phone to call the cell phone that we misplaced in our hand. Honestly, sometimes we haven’t really progressed from our distant ancestor, the primordial ooze.
But we don’t have a word to describe this process.
It’s high time to correct this oversight.
TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
hanselost
Awesome entry #14
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Aamu, your tour guide
Come with me and see the fun festivals of Finland.
June – Mosquito Swatting Championships – The Swedish town of Övertorneå holds its own event when the town was denied permission to use chemicals to kill the little, flying biters. So the good Swedes made a festival about killing the pests. Contestants here get 15 minutes to kill mosquitos. The record for this town is 135. Finland has its own such festival, which is held sometime during the mosquito season.
Mid June – Swamp Soccer World Cup – Love soccer? Lover a shorter game? Love mud? Head on over to Hyrynsalmi, Finland. 200-to-300 teams from all over the world compete. There are five different ways to compete: men’s, women’s, mixed, men’s hobby, and Masters of Swamp. Six players are on each side. Each half lasts for 12 minutes. There are no offside penalties. This is fantastic for all those who never understood the rule in the first place.
Summer – Ant Nest Sitting Festivals – Finland hosts Ant Nest Sitting Competitions. Contestants sit on an ant hill for as long as they can stand the ant bites. This competition is held all over the country during the summer months. It truly helps to have a high threshold for pain or an ass harder than bronze.
Summer – Wife Carrying Championships – It’s in Sonkajaarvi, Finland Sonkajaarvi, Finland Couples race around a track well stocked with obstacles such as logs and a deep pool. At one time, the woman in the event had to be the man’s wife, but neighboring women are allowed. The designated wife must weigh 49 kilograms or 108 pounds. You might think a good wife for this race would be as tiny as possible. But no, the winners earn the wife’s weight in beer.
July – Cattle Calling Championship – Can’t speak Finnish, but still love to make yourself heard? Alapitka, Finland, puts on the renowned Cattle Calling Championship. Techniques of the champions are closely guarded secrets. However, successful participants tend to know the names of the cows. Courtesy while chatting with your cow goes a long way to winning the championship.
August – Finish Sauna World Championship – Held in Heinola, Finland. Simply stay the longest inside Finnish sauna in a temperature of 110 degrees centigrade, 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Maybe you have a competitive nature, while having the inactive disposition of a rock. Then this competition is for you. Compete! Maybe you like the idea of thousands of spectators and TV audiences watching your nearly naked, sweaty body, covered with only a towel. Compete! It’s held in August, when it’s outside anyway.
Mid August – Cell Phone Tossing – Be sure to make your way to Savonlinna, Finland during mid August for its prestigious Cell Phone Throwing Championship. The traditional part has participants throwing the cell phones over their shoulders. The longest toss wins. Cranky folks, such as myself, who have never quite adjusted to the new technology and hurl one phone after another, are usually the tournament favorites. However, in 2012. it was a well-adjusted man named Eric Karjalainon won. He said he prepared for this event mostly by drinking.
Late August – Air Guitar World Final – Air guitar enthusiasts won’t want to miss the Air Guitar season. Prestigious events are held in Germany along with Japan’s own elimination tournament. However, the crème de la crème of air guitardom is the World Final, held in Oulu, Finland. The Final’s aim is to promote world peace. With this in mind, organizers have banned holding a gun while performing your air-guitar number. The winner goes home with the unique Flying Finn guitar, handmade by the great Mr. Matti Nevalainen. Dedicated air-guitar fans really must obtain advanced tickets to the VIP Area. These tickets give you the best views of the stage and a truly tasty buffet well stocked with local delicacies.
Note: festival dates are prone to change. Check before you book. You don’t want to lug your air guitar all the way to Finland only to discover the Air Guitar World Final took place a week ago.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Do you make other drivers’ lives miserable and dangerous? Take this test and find out.
Do you:
1) Do you occasionally run red lights? (2 points)
2) Do you routinely run red lights? (4 points)
3) Bonus points for question 2). Give yourself (2 extra points) for every car that run the red light before you? For example, if 4 cars run the red light before you do, then you get 4 * 2 = 8 points.
4) Do you routinely go 10 mph above the speed limit? (1 point)
5) Do you routinely go 20 mph above the speed limit? (3 points)
6) Do you routinely go 30 mph, or more, above the speed limit? (If yes, please stop taking the test. There’s no point to it. Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron is already on its way to have a “chat” with you. Best notify your next of kin to stay inside until its over.)
7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (1 points)
8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)
9) Text while driving? (2 points)
10) Not signal when turning? (1 point)
11) Not signal when changing lanes? (1 point)
12) Not a point observation but, OMG, did you not get the “blinker package when you bought the car?
13) For every lane changed above 1. (1 point) For example, you changed 3 lanes above 1 on a freeway. You get 3 – 1 = 2 points.
14) Slow do to 35 mph before exiting the freeway. (1 point)
15) Honk at other drivers? (1 point) Clarification, this only applies to road rage, not when you’re warning the other car that had you in its blind spot.
16) A car is patiently waiting at an intersection for a break in the traffic. You pull up enough to block that driver’s view. (1 point)
17) Sell lutefisk? (2 points) Sorry, this really isn’t a car question. I just really hate the food.
18) Pass by the menu at the drive-through lane, then take your time to decide at the to-go window?
19) Does your car spew great clouds of smog? (2 points)
20) Cut people off? (3 points)
21) Give others the finger? (1)
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What does your total score mean?
0 points: You are in no way a driving dick. In fact, you will go straight to Heaven when you die.
1-8 points: It’s still okay for you to drive without supervision. Think about your dickish traits and how you can overcome them.
9-16 points: Cause for alarm. You may still drive unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.
17-24 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you hit the road. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding motorists
25-32: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before driving. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze you everytime you earn another point. (After he makes you pull over, of course.)
33+: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed to drive at all. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate your foot if you do . A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., concerned motorist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Anja Heino practices tossing cell phones
Be sure to make your way to Savonlinna, Finland during mid August* for its prestigious Cell Phone Throwing Championship. The traditional part has participants throwing the cell phones over their shoulders. The longest toss wins. Cranky folks, such as myself, who have never quite adjusted to the new technology and hurl one phone after another, are usually the tournament favorites. However, in 2012. it was a well-adjusted man named Eric Karjalainon won. He said he prepared for this event mostly by drinking.
Artistic types will be drawn to the freestyle cell-phone tossing part of the championship. Participants are judged by their creativity. Contestants have been known to do acrobatics or juggling while throwing their cell phones.
Cell-phone-throwing mania is going global, having caught in the rest of Europe and in the United States. This would be one Olympic event I’d watch. Contact the proper agency for rules of competition. As of press time, Nokia is still not an official sponsor.
* = August is almost upon us. Make you travel arrangements right away!
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The very latest fashions are in from the center of fashion, Montenegro! Montenegro is hip! Montenegro is now! Montenegro is wow! Montenegro is a small country near Italy and Albania.
Montenegro may be small in size, but it’s huge in the fashion accessory industry. You know the saying, As go Montenegro’s fashions, so go the World’s.
What are the fashion geniuses of Montenegro telling us? Why, accessories, accessories, accessories. And if you’re going out in public, you simply must accessorize with a tote bag and cell phone.
Not just any cell phone and tote bag. No, no, no, no, no. The cell phone simply must come in a blue-and-black protective case if you want to be chic and current. And if you really want to stand apart from the teeming masses of fashionista wannabes, buy yourself a cat tote bag from the House of Kotor. Buy this, buy this, buy this. Take out a second mortgage if need be, but buy a Kotor Cat tote bag.
Buy these fashion musts right now, before fashions change again.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Oh my gosh. It’s Friday already. Did you know there’s one every week? So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad.
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JW asks: Should I really call my mom, or get her a gift or card, or visit her, or any of those other mother’s day things?
Dear JW: I think you should give the Mothers’ Day of Benedict Cummerbund. He’s handsome as anything, he’s rich, he has a career, what more could mother want? Ask Benadryl Cuminpatch if he’d like to spend the rest of his life with Mom. You’ll have to ask Benpicked Cucumber nicely as he is, as indeed all celebrities, used to people gushing up to him. If a lifetime commitment is too much, would he be willing to do whatever Mom wanted for one day. Should he complain of lost income from his movies, you’ll just have to rob banks until you’ve accumulated $100 million. Oh, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Make sure the cheese is gruyère. Celebrities have expenses tastes. This will be a Mothers’ Day Mom will never forget.
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SL Red, purple, or green?
Dear SL: The White House has been that uninspired white ever since its construction. I applaud your desire to spiff up the world’s most recognized building, to give it some character, to have some fun. Since, the color of the Republican party is often thought to be red, it would good to paint the White House red. I strongly suggest using spray paint for the job as the Secret Service is not going to give you much time to do a professional job with a roller and a paint brush. Indeed, they apt to be rather cross with you while hauling you away to ask such questions such as, “How did you get over the fence and so close to the White House without being spotted?” You’ll be able to answer with, “Why I went to the nearest circus and bought a cannon from the Human Cannonball. I then shot myself and my paint.” Maybe that will impress them. It’s worth a shot. (See what I did there?)
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JCA asks: Mayo, or Miracle Whip? Not for food, but for bedroom fun. (Asking for a friend).
Dear JCA: My natural inclination as a chef is to suggest mayonnaise as it is a purer food and less likely to be a chemical sh*tstorm. Indeed, try to get mayonnaise with all natural ingredients. Let’s keep our planet green. However in this case, spreadability and lubrication will be prized more than it would be in making a tuna sandwich, I suggest the scientific method. Have two bedroom romps with each volunter. Ask them if they preferred the mayonnaise experience or the one with Miracle WhipTM. You might need hundreds of volunteer partners before you become quite confident in your results. Should you have a spouse who balks at your scientific zeal, you might need to present your sweetheart with a nice box of chocolates and some lovely flowers when asking their permission. Oh, and make sure you always use fresh mayonnaise and Cool Whip. You don’t want to get false responses from your volunteers because you used something rancid. Check those expiration dates.
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KGV states: Thanks for the reminder. Being retired, I easily forget which day of the week we are celebrating.
Dear KGV: It is easy to forget the day of the week, isn’t it? Buy yourself a $600 cell phone, one that shows the day of the week. You don’t have to use the phone for anything. If opening the cell phone just to find the day of the week seems a bit weird, hire a butler. The butler will follow you around and will be pleased to tell what day it is no how many times you ask.
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LF asks: Why do ticks tick?
Dear LF: Not all ticks tick, only the explosive ones. Explosiveness was a defensive trait evolved by ticks during the Cretaceous period. Ticks of that time were forever getting trampled underfoot by tyrannosaurus rexes hot on the pursuit of a brontosaurus burger. A tick scout would raise the alarm whenever a T-rex approached. The explosive ticks would rush the killer dinosaur and explode themselves. The explosion would kill the tyrannosaurus, but the rest of the tick colony would be saved. Sure it would take a lot of ticks to fell a mighty Rex, but holy moly, there are a boatload of ticks. There’s a practical use to this as well. North Korea has not acting at all neighborly lately. To help the world, get on the plane to North Korea with a carry-on bag full of explosive ticks. Don’t worry about TSA, the ticks aren’t metallic and aren’t even on any list of prohibited items. The North Koreans, being a wary sort, might ask you what’s in your bag. They might even open your bag and ask, “What are those ticks doing?” You should say, “I don’t know. Do ticks talk?” (See what I did there?) Then head to the nearest military installation, the one where you can do the most damage. Tell the ticks that those North Korean missiles or fighter planes are T-Rexes. The ticks will blow up the entire installation or base. Oh I forgot, the North Korea security is a distrustful lot. Try to blend in as you make your way through the countryside.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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