Posts Tagged With: apocalyptic

The Second Great Latch Hook Project – Part 1

Hey! I’ve started a new latch-project. It’s early days so it does look like much yet. For some hateful reason, the makers of this new latch-hook fit jumbled all the yarn colors together. This made finding the right color, and thus the project much slower.

I solved this problem by buying DeWalt(tm) tool-sorting case. It was cheaper and better than the crafts sorters. It took a while, but most of the threads are sorted into their compartments. Beside, it looks spiffy.

And here’s my yarn-sorting case.

#SLHP #1

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Things I’d Rather Do Than Plow Through Customer Service

There are few things more soul sucking and painful than trying to get through to a business’ representative.

1) It takes forever to even find the site’s “Contact Us” link.

2) Navigating the phone menu when you do. To so takes more character punches than there are characters in the Oxford English dictionary.

3) And how many years do you have to do step 2?

 

So, Things I’d Rather Do Than Plow Through a Corporation’s Customer Service

1) Walk 500 miles on salt-encrusted shards of glass.

2) Have a habanero-based colonscopy.

3) Have a tax audit.

4) Have a to-the-death wrestling/boxing match with Hulk Hogan.

5) Read every single terms-of condition I come across.

6) Have constipation for life.

7) Eat lutefisk.

And many more things.

Customer Service, blech!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Heading to Walmart

Going to Walmart. Am I overdressed?

Due to horrible and concerted cirumstances beyond my control I shall soon be shopping at Walmart.

I know.

Scary.

I have only once made it through Walmart without muttering, “I hate Walmart.”

Is it because people constantly block aisles with their cart? Is it because the shoppers don’t watch where they’re going? Is it because the parking lot is packed to the gills and the drivers seem to think traffic laws don’t apply  there? Yes, yes, and yes. And yet Walmartians seem to thrive. More power to them.

Anyway, I’m going in. Pray for me.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Goldilocks and the Three Clouds

We last saw Goldilocks banished to the Gobi Dessert for eating the Three Civilized Bears’ porridge. The Three Bears starved to death. This new branch of fauna called “humano bears”  or “homo ullamcorper” in Latin went extinct. Goldilocks, you bitch.

Wandering the Gobi Dessert, perpetually looking for food and water gave Goldlocks time to think. She eventually gained maturity and repented of her selfish, destructive ways. She decided to consult for fire departments in Southern California.

So, one year Goldilocks took the sky and seeded a small cloud.

Not much rain resulted from this cloud seeding. Grasses, crops, and other flora dried out and became tinder for all the sparks of fire around the counties. Great big sections of the southern counties becames ever-growing firestorms. Thousands of acres and home burnt to the ground. Thousands of wildlife and hundreds of people died. Goldilocks, that cloud was too small, you bitch.

The fire department gave her a chance to redeem herself. So, Goldilocks took to the sky and seeded a large cloud. It then rained and rained all over Southern California. Grasses and shrubbery sprang up and flourished every. So when the grasses, crop, and other flora inevitably dried out in the coming summer, there was even more tinder for all the the sparks of fire around the state. Tens of thousands of acres and home burnt to the ground. Tens of thousands of wildlife and thousands of people died. Goldilocks, that cloud was too big, you bitch.

People calling Goldilocks a bitch time after time saddened her. So much so that the fire department chiefs game her one last chance. So, Goldilocks took to the sky and seeded a medium cloud. It  rained just enough to water the regions crop and also  just enough to put out all the tiny fires that were just starting. Only a tiny amount of grasses and shrubbery sprang up and flourished. So when the grasses, crop, and other flora inevitably dried out in the coming summer, there was not enough tinder for anything more than quite manageable fires. Nothing burned to the ground. All wildlife and thousands  pranced around safely. And all lived happily ever after.Goldilocks, that cloud was just right, you clever angel.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bunnies Will Save Our Economy

My gosh, our economy is under siege from trade wars, inflation, and, of course, lutefisk vendors. These evil influences could very well bring on a severe depression, one so catastropic as to make the Great Depression of 1929 look like a cake walk.

What can we do to protect our livelihoods, our savings?

Fret not, America’s titans of industry are employing the cute, lovable bunny to save the day. They know we’ll feel warm and squooshy inside whever we gaze upon adorable rabbits, so much that we’ll surely basketfull of bunny-promoted products whenever we shop.

The bunny boost to the economy shall overpower trade wars and the like. Our grand economy shall prevail.

All hail, the noble bunny!

The pictures below demonstrate how prevalent bunny-endorsed products have become.

Proof you cannot deny

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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This Day In History

On this day in 1529, a one-mile thick ice-cap covered Greenland.

Brr

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: This day in history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

All Day Consciousness

At first, I thought the following sign said “All-day consciousness.” Some days, I’d like that. Other times, not so much. The picture below is at odds with my rapid, out of the corner of my eye, scan. It kinda changes the message.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: motivational slogan, wise words, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Again Simplify Federal Taxes

I spend bits of time all year long assembling documents for my taxes. I spent more time this month. I labored all freakin’ day collating information that gladdens the  IRS’ heart.

What really gets my goat is that frigging complicated tax form. With all the schedules that go along with the main page, a taxpayer could easily fill out over 30 pages. You’ll need to hire a tax preparer. That’ll run you hundreds of dollars. And that’s after spending three days assembling all the information. What makes it even more horrible is that the IRS scans all the returns looking for mistakes.

Looking for mistakes. Let that sink in. That means they already have the numbers you need to type in on the forms. And they will tell you when they think–no, when they now–you are wrong. What can be done to fix all this madness and frustration?

I’m glad you asked. Let the IRS do your taxes for you, They know what they want on your forms, schedules, and attachments anyway. I hereby propose a new and quite simple form to replace all the tree-devouring pages you used to submit.

Much of this rant comes from a blog written three years ago. But, as you can see the IRS has neglected to enact my clever, nifty idea. So, it is with a sense of eternal optimist that I suggest brilliantly simple tax form.

It’s called the 1040-P. (P stands for Paul, me. I created this glorious, time saving, liberating page. I deserve some recognition.)

Anyway, I give you the 1040-P

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: finance | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Aliens Exist!

They do! They do! Number Two Son (NTS) and I met one at a gas station in Roswell, New Mexico. NTS needed to fill up his Subaru and The Alien needed fuel for his UFO. Communication proved to be difficult as I only can converse in English and in French. NTS knows only English and Spanish, and who knows what tongue the outer spacer uses?

Things remained awkward until I broke out the chocolate-chip cookies. Tension rapidly dissolved as all carbon-based life forms love that cookie. Anyway, good will soon prevailed to such an extent that we all posed for a selfie. I’m so happy the know that if we ever become able to travel deep into space that the new civilizations will look favorably on our arrival. I am so proud. I forsee a Nobel Peace Prize in my future.

And now, the picture with The Alien.

Proof you cannot deny

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: about me, Nobel Prize, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

National Egg Painting Days

Who doesn’t love eggs? No one! Who loves paintings? Most of Us. So, it stands to reason that paintings  of eggs are the bees’ knees. Of course, they are. With that in mind the American Egg Producers (AEP) and the National Association of Museums (NAM) are proud to host Great Egg Paintings exhibits across the country from May 1st to October 22nd. Be sure to go; you’ll be impressed and uplifted.

Lebrun’s still-life painting, “Les Oeufs Jolie”

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: art | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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