New and Improved Drinking Skulls

I leak. Buy PlastoWiz.

Poway, WPI – Drinking Skulls

The Industrial Revolution came yesterday to the wizard-warlord society of Poway. All Powegians are buzzing over the introduction of PlastoWiz’s(tm) plastic drinking skulls. And not a moment too soon for the murderous warlord, Two Axes.

Says Chief Two Axes, “Ah, you’ve heard it all before. Those human skulls leaked too much. It was always the same story. You’ve just given a great speech in the great hall telling of great deeds of valor done against your worthy foe, when you try to drink your foe’s blood out of his skull.

“The skull leaks blood through the cracks between the cranial plates. And my Fenks, don’t forget the torrent of blood gushing through the empty eye sockets. Before you can say, ‘Frimth N’bosh’ you’re soaked with blood. Everyone laughs at you. You lose your warriors’ respect.

“Someone always challenges you to a duel of supremacy. You have to kill him. The feast goes downhill rapidly after that by Frimth, by the end of the night your warriors are stealing the silver plates.

“Thank Frimth for PlastoWiz’s plastic skulls. Not a crack in them, not one. And those pesky eye sockets aren’t a problem anymore. Why with the two plastic socket plugs, a warrior chief can drink blood without shaming himself. And those plugs can also keep the water in the bath tup. Why, I killed two water carriers this morning. Didn’t heed them anymore. Saved money.

“Thank you, PlastoWiz.(tm)”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: how to use, meals of murder | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Turkey Salisbury Steak With Pasta

American Entree

TURKEY SALISBURY STEAK WITH PASTA

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INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
2 eggs
1 cup bread crumbs
½ teaspoon rosemary
½ teaspoon marjoram
½ teaspoon thyme
1½ pounds ground turkey
1½ tablespoons olive oil

4 tablespoons flour
2 cups chicken broth
3 teaspoons tomato sauce
3 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

½ pound little-shell pasta (or another variety, if you prefer.)
brick for keeping this cook book open to this page

Makes 6 to 8 Salisbury steaks.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Use hands to mix minced garlic, eggs, bread crumbs, marjoram, rosemary, thyme, and turkey in large mixing bowl. Form 6 to 8 patties.

Cook pasta according to instructions on package, or boil it for 5-to-7 minutes.

Meanwhile back at the range, pour oil into first of two frying pans. Add patties. Fry on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes on each side or until meat is no longer pink. Cover and keep warm.

While pasta and patties are cooking, add flour, chicken broth, tomato sauce, and Worcestershire sauce to another frying pan. Fry for about 5 minutes at medium-high heat, or until the sauce starts to boil. Stir frequently. Add cooked patties to this frying pan. Cook patties and sauce at low-medium heat for about 3 minutes.

Serve patties and sauce on top of cooked pasta. Yum.

TIDBITS

1) Salisbury steak was one of my favorites at the university cafeteria.

2) Liver and onions was my least favorite. They weren’t prepared well, so no one ever ate them. Well, maybe a few desperate vampires, but they usually dropped out of the university in their freshmen year due to most classes taking place in the daytime.

3) I rapidly learned never, NEVER, to eat the “Chef’s Surprise.” The only surprise about this dish is why people ever ate it. It was usually some gross dish that the chef had left over from the previous dinner. I owe my hold on sanity to forgetting the specifics of these meat masses.

4) On “Chef Surprise” nights, we usually ate at the University’s burger and hot-dog joint.

5) Pancakes at the university tasted well enough, but they were powerful hard to digest. I think some of them could have doubled as cannon balls.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Prayer 2

Apparently God has a name and it’s given in the Lord’s Prayer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Hymn 2

Many people thought a line in the Christmas hymn “Away in a Manger” had a startingly vivid depiction of bovine violence toward the Christ child. Instead of hearing, “The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes,” they thought the lyrics went,

Misheard Hymn #3

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Thai Burger Wrap

Thai Entree

THAI BURGER WRAP

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds turkey meat
1 medium carrot, about ¼ cup
3 stalks green onion
¼ teaspoon sesame oil
½ teaspoon chili powder
2 garlic cloves
½ teaspoon ground ginger
2 tablespoons smooth peanut butter
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ tablespoon peanut oil
¼ cup fresh cilantro
2 teaspoons mayonnaise

romaine or iceberg lettuce

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Mix all top ingredients thoroughly by hand. Make about 4 patties. Fry patties on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes, flipping them once. Wrap patty with a leaf of romaine lettuce. Wash hands before greeting dinner guests, likable or not.

TIDBITS

1) Steve Martin was a romaine-lettuce salesman appearing on a Saturday Night Live takeoff of Family Feud.

2) Thailand used to be called Siam. The musical, The King and I, was set in Thailand. The non-fiction book, on which it was based, is much more serious in tone.

3) Thailand was never conquered by the Europeans.

4) At one time, Thailand’s new army officers were required to master golf.

5) Golf is a good way to learn cussing.

6) There is no 6).

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

New From Yummy Brand – Taco Broth

Yummy Brand knows we like broth and have oodles of uses for it.

Yummy Brand knows we love tacos.

Yummy Brand asks why not have both?

Thank you, Yummy Brand!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Voting Advice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies

American Dessert

GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

INGREDIENTS

1¼ teaspoon baking soda
2¼ cups gluten free flour*
¾ teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
½ cup sugar
2 eggs
1½ teaspoons vanilla
12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips

* = I used King Arthur Gluten-Free Measure For Measure Flour.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
2 cookie sheets

Makes 50 cookies. Takes 1 hour. (Varies with the number of batches.)

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add baking soda, flour, and salt to 1st, large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until thoroughly blended. Add butter, brown sugar, sugar, eggs, and vanilla to 2nd, larger mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium until mixture becomes fluffy. Gradually add dry mixture from 1st mixing bowl to the butter/sugar mixture in 2nd mixing bowl. Mix with beater at medium setting until thoroughly mixed. Fold in chocolate chips. Mix with hands until well blended.

Roll dough into little balls about 1″ wide. Leave a 1″ gap between chocolate chip/dough balls. Bake at 375 degrees for 12 minutes or until golden brown. (Baking times for successive batches may vary.) Let cookies cool for 2 minutes before transferring with a spatula to wire rack or cold plate. Cool for an additional 5-to-20 minutes or as long as you can stand waiting.

TIDBITS

1) Culinary archaeologists hold Lucy of Olduvai Gorge baked the first cookies 3.2 million years ago. Lucy cookies inspired her hominid neighbors to evolve into humans and to develop agriculture. Farming freed people from non-stop hunting and gathering. This left time for adults to get frisky. Frisky adults sparked a population explosion that ate up all the wheat. Whole tribes left Africa searching for new lands suitable for wheat and gluten-free substitutes. Humanity’s ascent had begun.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bunny Outside My Office Window

Gourmet bunny

There’s a bunny outside my outside window! I have to watch it.

It likes to eat weeds. I like that it likes weeds.

Specifically, it prefers stray bits of weed that have been cut off by my weed whacker and have started to turn brown.

I have gourmet bunnies living out front in the hedge.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

One Word Haikus

Haikus are little three-line poems. The first lines has five syllables. The next line has seven, while the last lines reverts back to five.

See the following traditional haiku. It evokes clumsiness, mess, iredeemable loss, and hunger.

LOSS

I dropped my soup bowl.
Soup went all over the floor.
I shall go hungry.

 

Sure, that’s brilliant but, in general, writing good poetry is hard. That’s why today’s aspiring poets are flocking to one-word haikus.

The following one-word haiku evokes tacos.

TACOS

Tacos.

 

See great one-word haikus are easy. Give it a whirl. Please send me what you come up with.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: haiku, poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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