My Super Powers #1, Washing Water

How does Paul get his water so clean?

Most people, if they wish to have truly clean water,  go to the supermarket to buy distilled water, purified water, or even spring water. But I don’t have to do anything like that. I clean my water at home. I simply put detergent in the clothes washer and press start. Whizzo, boffo, the washer washes the water filling the washer. Nothing wishy washy about this water washing. It gets the job done. Presto change, I have clean water.

Just remember two things. First, don’t put any clothes in the washer before pressing the start button. You’ll end up washing your clothes, not the water. Second, be sure to scoop out your water before the washer drains the water.

And you too can develop this super power with a little practice.

You super man, or woman, you.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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I’m So Tired Of . . .

My blog double is sad.

1)  Lack of sleep.

2) Chronic fatigue, even when I get sufficient sleep.

3) Arthritis and other reasons for shoulder. Taking 10 minutes to ever so slowly my arms back into place without causing blinding pain.

4) Not having my neural system work well enough without a tiny, tiny bit of food seep out one corner of my mouth.

5) ”        ”   so I don’t wobble when walking, especially when tired.

6) Being negative. I don’t like being like that. But that what I am. I don’t know whether its genetics, over awareness of what’s happening out there. Or maybe it’s home grown.

7) of trying so hard to respect and be empathetic to everyone, then in one moment inadvertently making people hate me for all eternity.

8) religion be used as a way to legitimize hatred of despised groups.

9) of having empathy being classified as a sin.

10) of having allergies.

11) of dropping food because I fingers don’t always work as they should.

12) sometimes taking minutes to put on my shirt.

13) my eyes not working well together.

14) of having reading being a struggle. It’s hard to keep my place.

15) how far our country has come from, “Ask not what your country can do for you, rather ask what you can do for your country.”

16) having the precepts stated in the Beatitudes being labeled as “woke.”

17) having our democratic priniciples being eroded in favor of corruption and bullying.

18) of having to use a CPAP machines with nasal pillows to counter severe sleep apnea.

19) straying so far from worshiping God and obeying his commandments in favor using him as muscle.

20) so much drama in my life in the world out there.

21) driving with so many horrible and aggressive drivers out there.

22) mostly low level, but continual, headaches, neck and lower back pain.

Oh, I can’t go  on.

I’m sorry that this is not funny at all. Usually, I can be funny. I shudder to think about my general outlook if I had a sense of humor.

Take care.

 

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Collard Greens

American Appetizer

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SLOW COOKER COLLARD GREENS

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INGREDIENTS
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2 pounds collard greens
1 onion
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon brown sugar
3 garlic cloves
2 ham hocks
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon salt
5 cups water
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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2 3-quart slow cookers or 1 6-quart slow cooker
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Serves 6. Takes 6 hours 40 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cut collard greens into 1″ squares. Dice onion. Add all ingredients to slow cookers. Arrange ingredients so that ham hocks are in the middle. Slow cook on high for 6 hours. Remove ham hock. Remove meat from ham hocks and add to pot. (Discard ham hock.) Stir or until well blended.  Goes well with fried chicken, pork chops, pulled-pork sandwiches, macaroni and cheese and corn bread.
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TIDBITS
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1) This recipe says to collard greens into 1″ squares.
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2) This can be difficult to do as collard-green leaves are not squares.
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3) And if you strive for perfection ,such cutting becomes even harder. You’d have to get out your ruler. Moreover, making completely accurate 90 degrees angle for each square would drive any chef to drink. If you’re a teetotaler, may suggest near beer, or root beer, as your choice?
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4) Now we get to the collard greens’ overwhelming laziness and lack of ambition.
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5) Sure, you could watch television with your bowl of collard greens.
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6) But they will never help you with your crossword puzzles. The only way you could play catch with a bunch of collard greens is to dig a hole, and put the collard greens in the hole. Then toss the baseball into the hole. But even then the collard greens will not toss the ball back to you. This game of catch must be quite short. They will, however, be good listeners while they remain ripe.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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So Tired

I slept even worse than usual. I drove to doctor’s appointment. There was a hospital emergency, so I had to wait quite a bit. It wasn’t the worst of news, but it could have been better. I drove to another crafts place. There seems to be about four different latch-hooks patterns in the whole county. So I purchased one that’s okay. I drove and made Tacos Adobada for the natives.

Monday, I think, Number Two Son and I will drive to his new job in Chicago.

I was tired that I accidently ordered an invasion, but I was so exhausted that I never started the darn thing.

Take care. You’re important to me.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Ups and Downs

I’m rhe Emperor

The day started off well. I played free-bingo at a senior’s center. I got my first bingo and won a big, glass beer mug. The lunch afterward was good, surprisingly good for institutional food. Then things went downhill. I’m tired and my back hurts. So this is all the news I’m giving today.

Oh, I almost forgot. I repaid the Martian invasion with one of my own. I’m now Emperor of Mars. Cool.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Busy Day

I fought off their invasion

Made a small error in my spreadsheets. It led to Martian invasion in my back yard. Sorry about that, Chief. However, it all came came out okay in the end as I ran around making scary faces at them until they all teleported back to Mars.

Then my wife and I went to the border to a Global entry building to move one step closer to getting our Global Entry passes. Driving took 2 hours.

I then spent hours correcting the ripple effects of the morning’s small error. I had to do this or the Martians might have been  tempted to invade Earth. I’m guessing a similar sort of error led to the Martian invasion of Grovers Mill in 1938. The exact reason is still classified.

Well, time to lie down and take some weight off my aching back.

Good night, one and all.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word – Mibiro

How many times has this happened to you? You spent your whole life working 80 houea a week and spending only enough to eat and to have shelter. Then on impulse you bought a Vermeer at Sotheby’s auction. You spent every last dollar you had. How will you? Where will you live? In retrospect, buying a painting by that Dutch master was rash. You’d give anything to undo that last bid. You are suffering from buyer’s remorse.

But not all purchases bring about such regret. Perhaps you bought a box of doughnuts when you’re trying to eat healthier. You rue this decision, but only a bit. I mean, it’s only a small outlay and doughnuts are tasty. You are suffering from a mild form of buyer’s remorse.

We need a  word for this emotion.

This word comes from the portmanteau of: mild, buyer’s, and remorse.  Ta da!

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

Mibiro

Awesome entry #56

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Deep Thought Man on Missing Things

Deep Thought Man has been away for a while. He ponders the secrets of the universe so intently that he often takes the wrong fork in the road and has to backtrack quite a bit.

Deep Thought Man #16

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Today Was Better

First, I did finances. This activity keeps me off the street where I would only foment revolution. And we don’t want that, do we? No, we do not.

I hope I spelled it correctly. It would be so much easier if we could only agree to call it “Tacos Yabba Dabbo Do.”

So, I tried to make a pizza. For some reason the bread maker produced not dough, but little pellets. Ah well, some good did come out of it. I learned how to keep yeast longer.

Exclesior. I made a good pizza crust. Toppings were: pasta sauce and a cheese blend of asiago, Parmesan, and mozzarella. I made pork sausage meatballs with Italian seasoning.  They went on the pizza as well along with red bell-pepper strips. The natives loved the pizza. This made me happy.

My wife got a little gizmo that translates foreign languages. She wants to use it to translate Tagalog. She had some problems, so she had me speak French into it.

Me: Tu es ma petite choux. (I know, I know, I should have said , “Tu es ma petite choux choux.” Which means, “You are my little cabbage.” Where “little cabbage is slang for dear, sweetheart, or something life that.

Translator try #1: You are a little thing.

Translator try #2: You are little garbage.

There are a few bug left in the system.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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What I Didn’t Do Today

My blog double

I took a shower and washed my hair. Things went down from there.

I labored over a spreadsheet for a few hours. An innocent typo let the metaphorical spreadsheet-hating camel poke its nose into the tent. Soon the entire camel was rolling into the spreadheet. And a spreadsheet-covered camel is of no good whatsoever. Have you heard of camel-spreadsheet wrestling? No, I didn’t think so.

So, I had to restore a previous version and redo all my work. Two hours, my battered and bruised brain and fingers had produced a spreadsheet fit to show to an admiring world. But the effort had me questioning the meaning of life. I took solace in philosophy and in a coffee drink.

I drove to Joann’s fabric store. After conversing some time with the help I finally found the latch-hook section. It was tiny. The latch-hook mat patterns were overdone, guffy, and icky. I gave the two 40% off a single purchase coupons I had printed to two wandering customers.

I drove to Michael’s. After an exhausting search, I found no latch-hook section. I looked for a while for an employee. I found none. They were as rare as two perfect games in the same game. I went to checkout. Surely, I would find help there. No one was there. After a few minutes, a customer came to buy her things. She said that the cashier had gone t0 help someone elsewhere. I waited some more. The store’s one employee didn’t come back while I was there.

I went to the grocery store. Got some things. I went home and took a nap.

I am currently trying t0 make brown bread in loaf pans. It doesn’t look like it will turn out well.

Good grief. It’s just as well I don’t actually own a sonic obliterator.

I do hope you’re behaving out there.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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