The Existential Threat That is Mathematics

Posted on August 10, 2024 by pauldelancey

Mathematics starts easier, gets evers harder, and turns deadly at the end. (You can skip the middle parts, but it’s worth a rapid scan to see the general trend)

 

SIMPLE ARITHMETIC

2 + 2 = 4

Still alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

DIFFICULT ARITHMETIC

3,513, 692 / 1372 = 2,561

EASY ALGEBRA (We transition from just numbers to numbers and letters from the alphabet)

a * (b+c) = a * b + a*c.   Example, 3*(4+5) = 3*4 +3*5 = 12 +15 = 27

 

(YOU MAY WISH TO SKIP TO THE HEADING “DEATH OR EXISTENTIAL MATHEMATICS”)

 

DIFFICULT ALGEBRA (This might be mind numbing)

ax^2 + bx + c = d, where x^2 means x is squared

Example: x^2 + 5x +6 = 0

by the quadratic equation: x = -b +/- (b^2 – 4ac)^2 / 2a

so x = (- 5 +/-(5^2 – 4*1*6)^.5 ) / 2*1 = -(5 =/- (25-4*1*6)^.5) / (2*1 = -5 +- (25-24)^.5) / 2 =( -5 +/- (1)^.5) )/ 2

=( -5 +/-(1)^2) / 2  = (-5 +/- 1) / 2 = (-5+1)/2 AND (-5-1)/ 2 OR X = -2 and X = – 3

EASY CALCULUS (We transition from just numbers and letters from the alphabet by adding letters from the Greek alphabet)

∂(3x^2 + 4x + c) = 2*3*x + 4 + 0 = 6x+ 4

DIFFICULT CALCULUS (Years ago, I could do the following, but no longer.)

A second-order differential equation is linear if it can be written in the form

a2(x)y”+a)1(x)y’+a0(x)y=r(x),(17.1.1)
where a2(x),a1(x),a0(x),
and r(x)
are real-valued functions and a2(x)
is not identically zero. If r(x)=0
—in other words, if r(x)=0
for every value of x
—the equation is said to be a homogeneous linear equation. If r(x)?0
for some value of x,
the equation is said to be a nonhomogeneous linear equation.

Not easy peasy.

“DEATH OR EXISTENTIAL MATHEMATICS”

If quest for ever more challenging mathemetics leads to this level of difficulty,

YOU WILL DIE

Some 200 bright young mind have tried to comprehend the next level of math. Their brains all literally exploded.

A Carl La Fong, Ph.D., University of Wisconsin, 1986, suspected this next level involved adding Hindi letters, but he went permanently insane before pursuing his research for any length.

Let this be a cautionary tale for you all.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: danger, Deep Thinker, explanations, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How Road Repair Companies Can Save Money

Posted on August 9, 2024 by pauldelancey

dummy World War II tank

We’ve also suffered from road construction, sidewalk repairs, etc. that turn major mult-lane roads into one lane with barely moving cars. You know in your hearts that these road-repair companies (RRCs) could complete their jobs in a month. But they don’t. They let the job linger for a year or more.

Why do they do this? They’re petrified of having no job or projects. So they bid on and win several projects. They haven’t the manpower to finish all the projects at once. So they move their few crews from one site to another. This means that most projects will not have crews working on them. But it looks bad, if the RRC doesn’t even pretend to work on a site.

What do they do then? They park backhoes, steamrollers, and other big truck at the unattended road repairs. And they leave there and they leave them there and they leave them there. Doesn’t it cost the RRC a lot of money to buy enough big trucks to leave at seventeen unworked sites?

Yes, it does! This is where my brilliant ideas comes in. The RRC contacts a firm that makes bouncy castles and asks them to fabricate inflatable construction vehicles. (The allies built dummy tanks  during World War II to fool the Germans.) Similarly, the RRC then leaves their dummy construction trucks at their unworked sites. An inflatable steamroller would cost ever so much less than a real one and it looks real to the bored drivers crawling past them for fourteenth month. The RRC will save a fortune.

This idea is easy, even if getting the RRC to finish a job is not.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Great Things to Think About, But Not Do – Part One

Posted on August 8, 2024 by pauldelancey

OMG, danger!

Sure, lots of things can be good for you, when you do them. Eating mushrooms and lutefisk come to mind. They’re might be some nutritional benefits to eating them, but they are yucky in so many ways. And don’t forget lutefisk and mushrooms are the Devil’s tools. Do you really want to spend your afterlife in eternal torment on a lower level of Hell just to extend your life by 2.67 days?

Similarly, you can get your exercise by running, but the thing about running is that if you stop running for even moment, you will stop. It’s not like riding a bike where you can coast for twenty seconds at a time. The ability to coasting on bicycles is the primary that brains got bigger and bigger all the way back to Lucy of Olduvai Gorge to now.

This is not to say, it’s a bad thing to think about getting vitamins and exercise. Positive thinking always helps one’s self esteem and esteem. Just don’t overdo things by actually doing them.

LIST OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT , BUT NOT DO.

1) Running – Can make you healthier in the long run, sure. But in the short run, you get exhausted and feel sad about your weak body. You go home, flop face down onto your bed, and spiral ever downward into a bottomless well of depression. Besides, you might hurt your feet and knees. Before you know it, you’re a protoplasmic pool of depressed goo. Just think happy thoughts of running a marathon.

2) Taking oodles of herbal supplements – Many herbal supplements can help you. Some are untested. Some have been found to contain ground up grass and rice. Boo! But the main worry arising from swallowing a bowl of supplements the size of Rhode Island is that your brain, your psyche, and indeed your very soul will rebel against this pill tsunami to such an exent that your mouth will flat out refuse to take one more supplement. (You’ll even write run-on sentences.) Soon you won’t be able to take vitamins, even gummy vitamins! This rebellion soons spreads to your temperment. Don’t be surprised if you go vigilante against peope with bad grammar or mismatched socks. Take it easy with supplements. Better yet, remain on an even keel and take none. Besides, there’s the omnipresent worry about choking to death on a multitude of such pills.

What to do when a supplement fiend asks you how many herbal-supplements you take? Simple, lie and say you take lots. Isn’t lying a sin? Yes, but murdering people who wear mismatched socks an even bigger one. I think you know the answer.

Remember, it’s healthier to think than to do.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Great Things to Think About | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ramen Crust Pizza

Posted on August 7, 2024 by pauldelancey

Fusion Entree

­

RAMEN CRUST PIZZA

­
INGREDIENTS
­
2 packages (6 ounces) ramen noodles
1 egg
¼ cup Parmesan cheese, shredded
¾ teaspoon pizza seasoning
2½ tablespoons olive or vegetable oil
no-stick spray
¾ cup pizza or pasta sauce
¾ cup mozzarella cheese, shredded
12 pepperoni slices
­
SPECIAL UTENSILS
­
10″ no-stick skillet
pizza pan or baking sheet
­
Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.
­
PREPARATION
­
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Add enough water to cover noodles to large pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Add ramen noodles Continue boiling for 2 minutes or until noodles become flexible, but not completely soft. Drain.
­
Add egg, Parmesan cheese, and pizza seasoning to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Add ramen noodles. Mix with fork until noodles are completely coated.
­
Add olive oil to skillet. Heat olive oil at medium heat until a bit of Parmesan cheese starts to dance in the oil. Add ramen noodles. Parmesan cheese mixture. Use spatula to press down on mixture until it completely covers the skillet. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 2 minutes or until mixture turns into a pizza crust that is golden brown on the bottom. Remove ramen crust from heat.
­
Spray pizza pan with no-stick spray. Place ramen crust on pizza pan. Use spatula to spread pizza sauce over ramen crust. Sprinkle mozzarella cheese onto pizza sauce. Top with pepperoni slices. Bake for 20 minutes at 425 degrees or until cheese melts and starts to brown.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) Long ago, voyages from Europe to Japan took so long that any bread went moldy. Spaghetti endured, though. So, vessels carried spaghetti. But this pasta lasted only to Japan. Unfortunately, Japan only made ramen. So, crews ate ramen all the way back. Meals remained bland until a cook, Guiseppe Verdi, invented Ramen Crust Pizza. Making 1,296 identical meals, however, inspired Cook Verdi to compose The Four Seasons and other stuff instead. This is how we know him.
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Strawberry Shampoo

Posted on August 6, 2024 by pauldelancey

STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO

­
INGREDIENTS
­
½ cup Castile Soap
2 teaspoons coconut oil
½ cup distilled water
15 drops strawberry fragrance oil
­
SPECIAL UTENSIL
­­
1 cup bottle
­
PREPARATION
­
Add all ingredients to bottle. Stir with fork, or shake, until well blended.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) This shampoo uses strawberry fragrance oil.
­
2) The medium-sized cargo box for Ford’s F150 can haul 59,653 medium sized strawberries.
­
3) However Uranus, which is much larger than the F150’s cargo box or even this entire truck, occupies the same space as 2.31 * 1027 strawberries.
­
4) From this we can deduce that 3.87 * 1022 F150 medium sized cargo beds can fit in Uranus.
­
5) You didn’t think Uranus was that big, did you?
­
6) NASA never divulges this information.
­
7) Our space agency doesn’t even show us Santa Claus’ path on Christmas Eve. Just another thing they keep to themselves..
­­
8) However NORAD, North American Aerospace Defense Command,  does on noradsanta.org.
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9) Well! I know which agency is getting chocolate chip cookies for Christmas and which isn’t.
­
10) In flagrantre dilecto is Latin for “Getting caught in the act of committing a crime.” However, In flagrantre oderem means getting caught in the act of adding a fragrance to something.
­
11) Knowing all these awesome tidbits will give you a leg up, should you ever compete on Jeopardy!
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Day

Posted on August 5, 2024 by pauldelancey

My stunt double

This will be a short post. I had yet another doctor’s appointment today. Traffic was bad. I got quite lost. Good thing I left with plenty of time. This time the visit was for my ear canal that got severely blocked during Covid. The good news is the surgery for the ear seems less likely. The bad news is that the hearing in my ear has gone downhill. I think Covid affected my taste a bit. At any rate, it’s been a struggle since the end of April and I’m more than a bit worn down. I feel like I’m standing up to big waves on the beach.

Sorry, this post wasn’t funny.

 

– Paul De Lancey, Ph.D.

Categories: about me | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Cantaloupe Smoothie

Posted on August 4, 2024 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

­

CANTALOUPE SMOOTHIE

­
INGREDIENTS
­
4 cups cantaloupe, cubed
2 bananas
1 tablespoon honey
2 cups milk
2 cups plain yogurt or vanilla yogurt
­
SPECIALTY APPLIANCE
­
blender
­
PREPARATION
­
Put all ingredients in blender. Blend at “smoothie” setting for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly blended. Woo hoo, tasty and simple.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) Cantaloupe is an anagram for “toucan, leap.” Count Dracula is based on Vlad the Impala. No, only one those two assertions isn’t right. Vlad ruled Wallachia off and on from 1448 to 1476.
­
2) Impala is a car. The first Impala was built in 1958. So it isn’t possible for Vlad to have driven an Impala. Still, the commercial tie ins are obvious.
­­
3) Or maybe not. Vlad was really Vlad the Impaler. He got that title from impaling his enemies on long, pointy poles. The best slogan incorporating this fact would be, “Drive an Impala. People will fear you and get out of your way.” Meh. Still it makes you think. Why was Vlad so crabby?.
­
4) Culinary historians believed nothing would make Vlad happier than seeing toucans leap. He’d say, “Leap, amazing toucan, leap.”
­
5) How did Vlad get his leaping toucans? Why, from the famous Central and-South America to Wallachia Leaping Toucan for Pointy Pole Trade Route.
­
6) The Ottoman Turks controlled part of this path. This would have been okay, but one day Vlad and the Ottoman sultan accused each other of cheating at Parcheesia(tm). Words were said and soon the sultan blocked all Toucan/pointy pole trade. The two Parcheesi players went to war. Vlad died.
­
7) However, the anagram-and-smoothie loving, Sultan honored his foe’s courage with the cantaloupe smoothie. Now you know.
­
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Grape Freezer Jam

Posted on August 3, 2024 by pauldelancey

American Breakfast

­

GRAPE FREEZER JAM

­
INGREDIENTS
­
2 cups fresh, crushed grapes (about 1 pound whole)*
3½ tablespoons lemon juice
4 cups sugar
¾ cup water
6 tablespoons or 1.75-ounce box fruit pectin powder)
­
SPECIAL UTENSILS
­
potato masher or food processor
5 * 1-cup hot, sterilized Mason jars (They really must be hot and newly sterilized.)
­
Makes 5-cups. Takes 1 hour plus 1-to-2 hours to set.
­
PREPARATION* – (Assuming, as is likely, you can’t find crushed grapes to buy)
­
Cut grapes in half. Remove stems and seeds from grapes. Smash grape halves with potato masher until thoroughly crushed. (Or add bits to food processor. Pulse processor until thoroughly crushed, but not yet pureed. Some grape bits should remain.)
­
Add grape and lemon juice to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Add sugar. Mix with whisk until sugar dissolves completely. (Undissolved sugar makes the jam grainy.)
­
Add water and pectin to small pan. Bring to boil using heat. Stir constantly. Boil for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Pour boiling water over grape/sugar mix. Stir constantly for 3 minutes. The mixture should start to jell and thicken.
­
Pour grape mixture into Mason jars. Leave ½” gap at the top. Stir until grape bits and juice gel and blend. Cover and let stand for 1-to-2 hours or until set. (Not longer than 12 hours.) If desired, serve some immediately. Store the rest in the refrigerator for 3 weeks or in the freezer for up to 1 year.
­
TIDBITS
­
1) Sorry, this tidbit isn’t funny. But I am quite proud that I wrote this recipe and then made it. This is my first recipe since getting Covid, a severe ear infection, and surgery back to back to back.
“
2) Okay, I have space for a joke. Q: How many 1-cup Mason jars filled with grape jam does it take to change a light bulb? A: 122, but it’s far safer to use a step ladder. Ha, ha, ha!
­

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Weight Loss Through Anti-Fat Matter

Posted on August 2, 2024 by pauldelancey

welcomes scientific advancement

The universe is composed of matter and  anti-matter. When anti-matter contacts matter, matter disappears.

It stands to reason that our universe (Three cheers for it, hurray, hurray, hurray) is also made up of fat matter and anti-fat matter. Then when anti-fat matter collides with fat matter, fat disappears. All we need to do is find anti-fat matter. I applaud this search.

Such instantaneous disappearance of fat would be much preferable to dreary, difficult diets.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: science, Secrets of the Universe | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Misheard Lyrics of Nat King Cole

Posted on August 1, 2024 by pauldelancey

Is there anything more soothing than listening to the magnficent Nat King Cole?

His magnificent voice transfers us to a happier world.

Well, no.

Only if you hear the correct lyrics.

The true lyrics for the song “For Sentimental Reasons”  include:

“I love you
For sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I’ll give you my heart”

And now the misheard lyrics which change the meaning to a love song between archeologists.

Misheard Lyrics #21

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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