history

Cantaloupe Smoothie

American Dessert

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CANTALOUPE SMOOTHIE

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INGREDIENTS
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4 cups cantaloupe, cubed
2 bananas
1 tablespoon honey
2 cups milk
2 cups plain yogurt or vanilla yogurt
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SPECIALTY APPLIANCE
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blender
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PREPARATION
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Put all ingredients in blender. Blend at “smoothie” setting for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly blended. Woo hoo, tasty and simple.
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TIDBITS
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1) Cantaloupe is an anagram for “toucan, leap.” Count Dracula is based on Vlad the Impala. No, only one those two assertions isn’t right. Vlad ruled Wallachia off and on from 1448 to 1476.
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2) Impala is a car. The first Impala was built in 1958. So it isn’t possible for Vlad to have driven an Impala. Still, the commercial tie ins are obvious.
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3) Or maybe not. Vlad was really Vlad the Impaler. He got that title from impaling his enemies on long, pointy poles. The best slogan incorporating this fact would be, “Drive an Impala. People will fear you and get out of your way.” Meh. Still it makes you think. Why was Vlad so crabby?.
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4) Culinary historians believed nothing would make Vlad happier than seeing toucans leap. He’d say, “Leap, amazing toucan, leap.”
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5) How did Vlad get his leaping toucans? Why, from the famous Central and-South America to Wallachia Leaping Toucan for Pointy Pole Trade Route.
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6) The Ottoman Turks controlled part of this path. This would have been okay, but one day Vlad and the Ottoman sultan accused each other of cheating at Parcheesia(tm). Words were said and soon the sultan blocked all Toucan/pointy pole trade. The two Parcheesi players went to war. Vlad died.
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7) However, the anagram-and-smoothie loving, Sultan honored his foe’s courage with the cantaloupe smoothie. Now you know.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Famous Warrior King Speaks Out

Losing his liberty and the freedom of his people to Julius Caesar was one thing, but when people mispell gall as Gaul, King Vercingetorix, King of the Gauls gets hopping mad.

 

– Paul De Lancey, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Starter Free Sourdough Bread

American Appetizer

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STARTER FREE SOURDOUGH BREAD

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INGREDIENTS
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4½ cups flour (¼ cup more later)
18 grams (.63 ounce) instant sourdough* (yeast and sourdough culture)
2¼ teaspoons salt
1¾ cups warm water (100 to 105 degrees)
1½ tablespoons flour (1 more tablespoon later)
1 tablespoon rice flour or flour
1 t­ablespoon flour
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* = Instant sourdough can be found online. It skips the step of making active starter. It changes the taste somewhat but makes the whole process easier.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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electric beater
tea towel, flour sack, or dish towel
banneton or bread-proofing basket.
parchment paper sheet.
6-quart enameled cast iron Dutch oven
bread lame or sharp knife
instant-read thermometer
sonic obliterator
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Makes 1 loaf. Takes 2 hours 20 minutes plus overnight plus 3 hours.
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PREPARATION
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Add 4½ cups flour, instant sourdough, salt, and warm water to large mixing bowl. Mix with beater set at low-medium until smooth-sticky dough ball forms. Shape with hands, if needed, Cover with tea towel. Let rise in warm (70-to-75 degrees) place for 2 hours. Then refrigerate loaf overnight. At any point, gently dent the loaf with your fingertip. If the dent springs back rapidly, more rising time is needed.
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Dust flat surface with 1½ tablespoons flour. Add dough to flat surface. Gently lift up the side of the dough closest to you, gently pulling it upward and stretch over the dough’s center. (Avoid tearing the dough.) Press down on this fold to seal and keep it into place. Rotate dough a quarter turn and lift, stretch, fold, and press again. Repeat quarter rotations and folding 2 more times.
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Dust cloth that comes with banneton with 1 tablespoon rice flour. (If you don’t have a banneton, put tea towel in mixing bowl and dust that.) Put dough in banneton. Cover with tea towel and let rise in a warm place (70-to-75 degrees) for 1 hour. Brush or scrape off excess flour.
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30 minutes before baking, place Dutch oven with lid in oven. Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Dust parchment paper with 1 tablespoon flour. Place dough on parchment paper, seam side down. Score the bread ball when the oven temperature reaches 500 degrees. (Scoring is a way of making shallow cuts in the top of the dough just before baking. Scoring can be a simple pattern or as complicated as you’re to do. Scoring also prevents the gas that builds up during from causing uncontrolled ruptures on the loaf top.)
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Spray the dough’s top with water just before baking. (This keeps the surface flexible for longer and let the bread rise more.)
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Put on oven mitts. Hold 2 sides of parchment paper to lower dough into Dutch oven. Put lid on Dutch oven. Immediately reduce heat to 450 degrees and bake for 20 minutes. Remove lid and bake for another 20 minutes or loaf turns a deep golden brown and becomes crispy. (Or when instant-read thermometer shows 205 degrees.) Place on wire rack and let cool completely before slicing.
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Feel free to use sonic obliterator on any guest who gives any guff at all about your sourdough bread. It’s okay to do so. See Levain v. Miche, 2007.
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TIDBITS
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1) Ancient Egypt got a big jump on civilization compared to its Mediterranean and Near Eastern neighbors. Why was Ancient Egypt so advanced? It was the first nation to bake sourdough bread. Sourdough bread originated in ancient Egypt around 1500 BC.
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2) Rome didn’t even get founded until 753 BC. It didn’t start conquering until about 250 BC.
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3) Rome’s empire did not derive from  vast amounts of sourdough bread. Oh sure it had some. (See Pistoria Uvam Massam Panis by Flavius the Younger.)
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4) Rather, Rome conquered the Mediterranean and parts of Europe with its vast, superbly trained army. So, global importance arises from sourdough bread and big armed forces.
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5) The Unites States operates a huge military. America also has lots and lots of sourdough bread, especially from San Francisco.
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6) China also possesses an immense military, but relatively few loaves of sourdough bread. China is also powerful, but not as much as America.
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7) Sourdough starters have been found in Egyptian tombs, indicating that the Egyptians baked sourdough bread. A hieroglyph in a Theban temple depicts Keith Richards baking sourdough bread for Pharaoh Amenhotep II.
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8) In 1620, Yeoman Keith Richards sailed on the Mayflower to Plymouth Rock. He ,brought sourdough starters with him. Soon sourdough baking spread all through the 13 colonies. Not so much, in the mother country, Great Britain. This is why is America is the more powerful nation.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cheese Lasagna

Italian Entree

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CHEESE LASAGNA

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INGREDIENTS – PASTA
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3 cups flour*
2 eggs
1 egg yolk
½ cup water or more
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* = More might be needed for dusting, texture.
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INGREDIENTS – CHEESE
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3 garlic cloves
1 white onion
2½ cups shredded mozzarella cheese
1¼ cups shredded Parmesan cheese (2 tablespoons more later)
2¼ cups ricotta cheese
⅓ cup red wine
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 26-ounce jar spaghetti sauce
1 15-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 teaspoon basil
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon oregano
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon thyme
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INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY
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2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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9-inch x 13-inch baking dish
no-stick pastry mat
rolling pin
hand crank pasta machine
cooking scissors (If your baking dish is 8-inches x 8-inches, for example)
no-stick spray
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Serves 12. Takes 3 hours 10 minutes.
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PREPARATION – DOUGH
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Combine 3 cups flour, eggs, egg yolk, and water into large mixing bowl. Knead with hands for 15 minutes. Make a ball of the mixture. It should be only slightly sticky and should just be able to come off your hand. If some of the ball sticks to your hand, then add a bit more flour, mix again, and try the new flour. If the flour ball is powdery, it is too dry. Add a bit more water, mix again, and try the consistency of the next ball. There may be a number of these iterations but it must be done. Divide dough ball into 3 equal mini-dough balls. Wrap mini-dough balls with plastic wrap and let sit in refrigerator for 1 hour.
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PREPARATION – CHEESE
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Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Mince garlic cloves and onion. Add mozzarella, Parmesan, and ricotta cheeses to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended
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Add onion, garlic, and olive oil. to frying pan. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add red wine, spaghetti sauce, diced tomatoes, basil, bay leaf, Italian seasoning, oregano, pepper, salt, and thyme. Cook on medium heat for 3 minutes, stirring occasionally.
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PREPARATION – PASTA
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This preparation needs to be done 3 times. Dust no-stick pastry mat with flour. Remove 1 dough ball from refrigerator. Keep remaining dough balls in fridge until needed. Put this dough ball on pastry mat. Dust rolling pin. Roll out dough into oval shape 5½” wide and ¼” thick. (Anything thicker inhibits dough from going through hand-crank pasta machine.)
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Use pasta machine’s thickest setting. (#1 on mine.) Hold dough vertically and straight as possible over pasta machine’s roller. Turn crank slowly to feed dough oval through roller. Fold resulting dough sheet in half. Cut about ¼” off each side to make it rectangular and thus easier to feed into roller. (This also makes for uniform dough sheets.) Run this folded sheet through roller.
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Dust dough sheet. Set pasta’s setting the next narrower setting. (#2 on mine.) Again, hold dough sheet vertically and straight as possible over pasta machine’s roller. Repeat process, selecting a narrower setting each time, until final pasta sheet is about 1/16″ thick. Repeat entire pasta-sheet preparation until all dough is used. Trim pasta sheets to be 13″ * 4½”. The cutoff pieces of dough can be used to make another sheet.
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PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
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Grate 2 teaspoons Parmesan. Use no-stick spray on baking dish. Put a layer of lasagna, 2 side-by-side noodles on the dish. If the noodles happen to be longer than your baking dish, snip off the excess length with your scissors. In this recipe, 6 noodles will make one lasagna dish with 2 layers of meat sauce. Reserve about ½ cup meat sauce. Divide remaining meat sauce and cheese equally between layers.
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Cover this 1st layer of noodles with a layer of meat sauce and a layer of cheese. Add a 2nd
layer of noodles, meat sauce, and cheese. Add a 3rd layer of noodles. Spoon just a little meat sauce atop the top layer along with 2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese. Put glass lid or aluminum foil on top of baking dish. Cook lasagna in covered baking dish in oven at 375 degrees for 45 minutes. Cook uncovered for an additional 15 minutes or until bubbly. Remove and let sit for 5 minutes more.
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TIDBITS
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1) Lucy Olduvai of Olduvai Gorge was the world’s first human. Her parents were almost human. And oh my gosh, her brother Ogg, older than her by two years, was oh so close to be human. But with Lucy, they had finally got birthing a human right.
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2) But, sad to say, Little Lucy was a brat. She taunted her sibling mercilessly. “You’re subhuman,”  The sensitive Ogg ran crying to Mama Olduvai. Mama Olduvai got cross with Little Lucy. “Go play with that herd of mammoth cattle until you’re ready to apologize to your brother.”
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3) Oh, tidbit 3) proves that the nearly humans and first humans had the power of speech and in fact, could speak English. Well done, you.
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4) Anyway, proud Little Lucy wasn’t ready to apologize. So, she spent a lot of time poking the cattle. Then she started pulling. Fortunately for the ascent of humanity, she didn’t start with a bull. She began with a cow and got milk. “Wow, this tastes great! I call it milk.”
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5) Then she spotted a field of wheat. The equivalent of a light bulb turned on her first-human brain. “I’ll bet if I can get the cattle to stampede over the wheat field, they’ll trample and crush the wheat into flour.*”
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6) * = First Human speech was much complex than was first suspected, constructing complicated sentences with commas and everything.
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7) So, Little Lucy, ran back to her family as fast as her first-human legs would carry her. “Mama, Mama, I’ve discovered milk and wheat. We can evolve.”
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8) Mama Ogg scowled. “Evolution can wait. Are you ready to apologize to Ogg?”
“I am. Sorry Ogg.”
“It’s okay,” said Ogg, “Do you think we could make lasagna? I’ve had visions of it in my sleep?”
“Well,” said Little Lucy, “we need culture to make cheese.”
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9) So, the Olduvai Gorgers invented cave painting and five-act plays. But this was the wrong culture for making cheese out of milk. The next day, however, they discovered the right culture.
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10) The Gorgers, being hunter-gathers, par excellence, gathered eggs, garlic, cloves, onions, grapes, olives, tomatoes, basil, bay leaves, peppercorns, thyme, and salt. With their almost-human synapses firing something fierce, they eventually uncovered the secret of making tasty cheese lasagna. Life was truly good for the Gorgers.
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11) Until the mammoth-cattle herd migrated out of Africa. Oh no! No herd, no milk. No milk, no lasagna. “What’s the point of evolving?” said Papa Ogg, “if we can’t dine on lasagna?”
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12) “Let’s follow the mammoth cattle,” said Little Lucy. “Let’s follow the most important ingredient in lasagna.” so they did. And this is how humanity spread over the entire planet. Yay.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Angel Food Cupcake

American Dessert

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ANGEL FOOD CUPCAKE

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INGREDIENTS – CUPCAKES
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½ cup cake flour*
⅓ cup sugar (⅓ cup more later)
⅛ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon cream of tartar
5 egg whites
¾ teaspoon vanilla extract (¾ teaspoon more later)
1 tablespoon warm water
⅓ cup sugar
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* = or ½ cup flour and 3 tablespoons cornstarch
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INGREDIENTS – WHIPPED CREAM FROSTING
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¾ cup confectioners’ sugar
1½ cups heavy whipping cream
¾ teaspoon vanilla extract
fresh fruit topping (optional)
sprinkles, also known as nonpareils.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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electric beater
cupcake pan or pans with 15 cups
15 non-stick cupcake liners
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Makes 15 cupcakes. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION – CUPCAKES
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Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put cupcake liners in cupcake pan. Add cake flour, ⅓ cup sugar, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended.
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Add cream of tartar, egg whites, ¾ teaspoon vanilla extract, and warm water to large mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on low-medium for 1 minute or until egg whites become foamy. Set beater to medium-high and slowly add ⅓ cup sugar. Blend for 3 minutes or until soft peaks form.
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Use spatula to gradually and gently fold the cake-flour mixture into the egg whites. (Adding the cake flour too quickly will cause the egg whites to deflate.) This is the batter. Spoon batter into non-stick cupcake liners until they are ¾ full. Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees or until lightly brown around the edges and toothpick inserted all the way down into the middle of a cupcake will come out clean. Place cupcakes on wire racks until completely cool.
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PREPARATION – FROSTING
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While cupcakes cool, add confectioners’ sugar, heavy whipping cream, and ¾ teaspoon vanilla extract to 3rd mixing bowl. Set electric beater to medium-high and whip until mixture becomes fluffy. (A medium peak should form when the beater is taken out of the mixture. Over whipping the mixture will turn it into butter. This step happens quickly.) Use spatula to spread frosting over cupcakes. If desired, garnish with fruit bits and sprinkles.
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TIDBITS
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1) The act of throwing someone out a window is called defenestration.
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2) In 1419, the good people of Prague threw important government officials out a window. The event is known as the First Defenestration of Prague and the Second Tidbit of Angel Food Cupcakes.. The result proved to be unarguably bad for the officials as they died. The defenestration arose from religious and political factors and a shortage of cupcakes.
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3) From 1420 to 1482 no defenestrations at all took place in Prague as cupcakes were plentiful.
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4) In 1483, discontent reared its ugly head. Common sense and government officials went out the window. Culinary historians point to the religious radicalization of the cup-cake guilds.
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5) From 1484 to 1647 no defenestrations at all took place in Prague as cupcakes remained plentiful. Tidbit 2) and Tidbit 4) were truly golden ages of peace and prosperity in Prague.
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6) Prognostication, the study of predicting events does not derive from the word “Prague.” However, don’t feel bad if you thought it did, as you are in good and numerous company.
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7) Window tossing made a comeback in 1618 when the Prognosticators, oops, Praguers tossed two government officials out a window. This is known as the Third Defenestration of Prague. The usual trio of politics, religion, and cupcakes prompted this notorious aerobic act. Unlike the previous two window hurlings, this one started a continent-wide war of 30 years. In 1649, everybody said, “I’d like to take back the Third Defenestration. If only we could return to halcyon era of Tidbit 4.”
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8) I’ve been to the window of tidbit 7. The government officials survived their fall due to the fact the window was only on the second floor and the mulch below cushioned their fall. No one likes to be pitched down onto decomposing hay, vegetables, and perhaps manure. So, we can well understand the officials advocating for a thirty-year war.
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9) On the other hand, starting a war than convulsed Europe for decades does seem to be an over reaction to a bit of out-the-windowing. If only the officials had taken an anger management course. Then bloody conflict would not have stalked the lands. Ah well.
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10) In 1994, Prague’s city council passed laws and regulations ensuring adequate cup cake production. The municipality has been at blessed peace ever since. Whew.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five Layer Chicken Florentine

Italian Entree

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FIVE LAYER CHICKEN FLORENTINE

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INGREDIENTS
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 FIRST  LAYER – BOTTOM SAUCE
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1 10.5-ounce can of cream of celery
½ cup mayonnaise
¾ cup grated sharp cheddar cheese
1 tablespoon lemon juice
⅛ teaspoon salt (⅛ teaspoon more in FOURTH LAYER)
⅛ teaspoon pepper
⅛ teaspoon Mediterranean rice spice
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
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SECOND LAYER – RICE
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1 cup rice
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THIRD LAYER – CHICKEN
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2 chicken breasts
2 tablespoon vegetable oil
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FOURTH LAYER – TOP SAUCE
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1 10-ounce package creamed spinach
½ cup milk
¼ cup grated Swiss cheese
1 small onion
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
⅛ teaspoon thyme
¼ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
⅛ teaspoon salt
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FIFTH LAYER – BREAD CRUMBS AND CHEESE
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½ cup bread crumbs
1 tablespoon butter, melted
¼ cup Parmesan cheese
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SPECIAL EQUIPMENT
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large casserole dish
medium casserole dish
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Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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The five layers are from bottom to top:
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First: bottom sauce
Second: rice
Third: chicken breast
Fourth: top sauce
Fifth: cheese and bread crumbs
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FIRST LAYER – BOTTOM SAUCE
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Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add celery soup, mayonnaise, Cheddar cheese, lemon juice, Mediterranean rice spice, ⅛ teaspoon salt, pepper, and rice vinegar to baking dish. Mix thoroughly with fork or whisk. Bake in large casserole dish for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. Set aside. (You can save time by preparing the fourth layer and putting in the oven after you have put this layer in the oven.)
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SECOND LAYER – RICE (Above bottom sauce)
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Cook rice according to instructions on package. Spread evenly over FIRST LAYER in large casserole dish when both are done.
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THIRD LAYER – CHICKEN BREAST (Above rice)
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While at the bottom sauce is baking and the rice is cooking, cut each chicken breast into 12 pieces. Add chicken and vegetable oil to non-stick frying pan. Sauté chicken on high heat for 10 minutes or until it starts to brown. Stir occasionally. Put chicken breasts on top of the SECOND LAYER of rice when all 3 layers are done. (Resist the temptation to drive to KFC.) Set aside,
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FOURTH LAYER – TOP SAUCE (Above chicken breast)
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Dice onion. Add creamed spinach, milk, Swiss cheese, onion, Dijon mustard, thyme, coriander, poultry spice, and ⅛ teaspoon salt to medium casserole dish. Bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove and set aside. Put sauce on top of the THIRD LAYER of chicken breast when all 4 layers are done.
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FIFTH LAYER – BREAD CRUMBS AND CHEESE (Above top sauce)
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After you have taken the casserole dishes out of the oven, and have placed the first four layers in order, spread the bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese evenly over the FOURTH layer. Pour the melted butter evenly, as always, over everything. Put the five layers in the large casserole dish back in the oven.
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Bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees. The sauce layers should be set and the chicken cooked through.
Grab a cold mug of root beer. Sip it slowly. Savor the taste. Grab the frying pan with your other hand. Use the pan to threaten anyone who complains about the wait for this dish. Then eat it all yourself. It’s great.
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TIDBITS
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1) Spinach was cultivated 2,000 years ago in Iran. Now, Iran may very well be contemplating building a nuclear bomb for dubious purposes.
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2) The ancient Romans and Greeks cultivated spinach as well and never built a nuclear device.
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3) So maybe we shouldn’t worry about Iran.
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4) After all Popeye The Sailorman always consumed cans of spinach in times of crisis and always fought for the honor and welfare of his beloved Olive Oyl.
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5) California produces half of America’s spinach.
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6) Did Popeye’s spinach come from California?
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7) Did Popeye ever marry Olive Oyl? I’d like to think so, even if they had to elope to do it.
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8) I had a Yogi The Bear lunch box in first grade. I don’t believe I ever had Five Layer Florentine Chicken put in it.
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9) This recipe originally called for 10.75-ounce can of cream of celery soup. The recipe uses a 10.50-ounce can.
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10) Why?
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11) Shrinkflation. Inflation describes how prices rise over time. Companies know we don’t want to keep paying more for the same thing. So, they shrink the size of their products. They still get the same amount of money from us, but smaller amounts of ingredients, means their products cost them less to produce. They make bigger profits as they think we aren’t clever or observant enough to notice.
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12) Shrinkflation is rampant, especially in times of higher inflation. The size of cans, bottles, jars, and packages in most of my recipes have decreased since press time. Bastids.
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13) It makes me wonder about the opportunities for shrinkflation outside the food industry.
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14) Instead of raising the price of basketballs, make them smaller and smaller. Would this affect basketball games in the NBA? Yes, it would.
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15) Car tires. The price of these tires are already high. Why not make them smaller? And smaller tires will slow your car. You’ll receive fewer speeding tickets. Note, there’s a limit to tire smallness. If the tires become so tiny that they can’t reach the road, the car won’t more. No more shrinkflation. Yay!
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16) Lens size for glasses. Why pay more for a pair of glasses, when you can shrink the lenses? After a while others and you won’t be able to see them. (See what I did there?) No more self consciousness about your appearance.
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17) There should be three more lines of tidbits, but I shrank this section’s size.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pizza Bread

Fusion Entree

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PIZZA BREAD

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INGREDIENTS­
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½ bell pepper
1 small onion
8 slices bread
1 teaspoon oregano or pizza seasoning
24 slices pepperoni
1 cup grated mozzarella cheese
½ cup pasta sauce (8 times at 1 tablespoon)
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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mandoline (optional)
parchment paper
9″ * 12″ baking tray
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Serves 4 or makes 8 pizza breads. Takes 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Seed bell pepper. Use mandoline on bell pepper to make ¼”-thick rings. Dice onion. Spread 1 tablespoon pasta sauce over each bread slice. Sprinkle oregano equally over bread slices. Place 1 bell-pepper ring on each bread slice. Place 3 pepperoni slices on each bread. Sprinkle onion equally over bread slices. Sprinkle mozzarella over  over onion toppings.
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Cover baking tray with parchment paper. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or until cheese melts and turns golden.
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TIDBITS
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1) I served “Pizza Bread” to the natives tonight. It was “great.”
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2) On July 11, 1939 President Roosevelt served hot dogs to King George VI of Great Britain.  One version of the menu read, “Hot Dogs (if weather permits).” This fairly formal picnic proved to be front page news. The New York Times ran the headline, “KING TRIES HOT DOG AND ASKS FOR MORE.”
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3) Sad to say, I expect no such headline for my Pizza Bread, although one native ate three pizza breads. King George ate only two hot dogs. Three is greater than two. I win.
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4) What must I do to get the same celebrity status that Roosevelt gained by his hot-dog meal? Simple, I hereby formally invite King Charles III for tacos at my humble manor. Any date he desires. There, that ought out to do it. I’ll keep you posted.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Masoor Dal (Red Lentils)

Indian Entree

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MASOOR DAL

(Red Lentils)

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INGREDIENTS
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1 cup split red lentils
2 green chiles
2 garlic cloves
1 small onion
2 tomatoes
1 dry red chile
2¾ cups water or vegetable broth
3 tablespoons ghee* or 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
¾ teaspoon mustard seeds
2¼ teaspoons minced ginger
¼ teaspoon asafoetida*
¼ teaspoon garam masala
½ teaspoon Kashmiri* chili or cayenne powder
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon fenugreek leaves
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1½ tablespoons fresh cilantro or ½ tablespoon dried cilantro
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* = Can be found online or ethnic supermarkets
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SPECIALTY UTENSIL
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instant pot
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Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Rinse red lentils. Seed green chiles if you desire a milder taste. Dice garlic cloves, green chiles, onion, and tomatoes. Crumble red chile. Add red lentils and water to instant pot. Stir once to prevent sticking to the pot. Set instant pot to high and to cook for 5 minutes. Let pressure drop naturally for 10 minutes. Gradually open steam release. Carefully open lid. Mash red lentils to your liking.
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While red lentils cook, add ghee to pan. Heat on medium heat until ghee melts. Add cumin seeds, mustard seeds, and crumbled red chile. Sauté seeds until they crackle. Stir constantly. Add garlic, green chile, minced ginger, and onion. Sauté on medium heat for 3 minutes. Stir frequently, Add tomato, asafoetida, garam masala, Kashmiri chili, salt, and turmeric. Cook for 5 minutes or until tomato becomes mushy.
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Add red lentils and fenugreek leaves to pan. Simmer on low heat for 2 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add lemon juice. Stir until well blended. Garnish with fresh cilantro. Goes well with naan.
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TIDBITS
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1) Masoor Dal was born in India in the tiny village of Taaja Adarak. Not only was Masoor born in a specific place, he was born at specific time, 9:23 am, May 16th, 422 BC. Nobody would play with little Dal because he used to take asafoetida baths. Indeed, Masoor’s only companion was a time-traveling dog named Olafo. Olafo had materialized on Earth in 408 BC.
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2) “What a nice corgi,” thought the overly fragrant Masoor. “I do hope he won’t run away.”
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3) But Olafo stayed put. He’d suffered an olfactory injured in the Great Universal War between Olafo’s Orion Beltian and the sinful, hateful, evil Lutefisk Confederation of Pluto and couldn’t smell worth a darn.
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4) Masoor would often say, “I had friends.”  Olafo would reply, “I wish could smell dog butts.”
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5) “Why can’t you smell?” asked little Dal. “I damaged my nose in the war, yipped Olafo. A Lutefisker hurled a smell-stopper grenade (STG) at my squad. I sat on it. I saved my comrades, but at the cost of my nose. I’m hear on R and R.”
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6) “I notice you always carry a Lassie Laser with you?” said Masoor. “Why didn’t you fire it at him?” Olafo sighed. “The Lutefiskers had just developed an anti-electronics shield (AES). My laser couldn’t couldn’t penetrate it.” Masoor looked at his thumbs, for no apparent reason. “You need a catapult. They’re lethal and have no electronics. You’ll be invincible.”
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7) Olafo agreed. Soon the happy pair built their catapult. They loaded it with red lentils, chiles, garlic cloves, an onion, ghee, cumin seeds, mustard seeds, ginger, garam masala, Kashmiri chili, salt, turmeric, fenugreek leaves, tomatoes a huge lemon, and cilantro leaves for a flourish.
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8) Unfortunately, a mishap occurred on the first trial, hurling the enormous lemon at Olafo’s nose and knocking the No-Smell Particles (NSPs) loose that had lodged there. A canine sneeze soon dislodged them.
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9) Masoor’s asafoetida coated hand, patted Olafo’s head. “There, there.”
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10) “I can smell again,” yipped Olafo. “And you stink of asafoetida.”
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11) Little Lal’s face fell. “But that stuff on your hands would go great with the other ingredients in the catapult, of course.”
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12) “And if you put a huge rock, nothing else in the catapult, Olafo, you have a devastating weapon to use against the Lutefiskers.
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13) And so Olafo went back to his squad with his catapult. This weapon propelled the Orion Beltians to decisive victory. Masoor now put his asafoetida into his culnary masterpiece, Masoor Dal. People loved it and the now sweet-smelling chef got all the women. So, things ended well. Yay.

 Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Amchoor Chutney

Indian Appetizer

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AMCHOOR CHUTNEY

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INGREDIENTS
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½ cup jaggery* or dark brown sugar
¼ cup amchoor powder** or tamarind powder or citric acid powder
¼ chili powder
¼ teaspoon ginger powder
¾ teaspoon roasted cumin powder* or cumin powder
1 teaspoon black salt* or salt
½ cup water
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* = Available in Asian supermarkets or on line.
** = Available in Asian supermarkets or on line. Amchoor powder is powdered mango. Mango is a fruit. Fruits are important to chutney. So, please try to find amchoor, or amchur, powder.
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Makes ½ cup. Takes 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Add all ingredients but water to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk until well blended. Add this mixture and water to pan. Bring to boil using medium-high heat. Stir constantly. Remove from heat and let cool to room temperature.
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This chutney goes well with curries, cheese, lamb, and poultry. Amchoor chutney also makes a good sandwich and even is tasty just by itself. It’s quite versatile.
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TIDBITS
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1) On December 31, 2022, Ayansh “Armchair” Chandra became, by far, the richest man in the world with an estimated wealth of $1.3 trillion dollars.  He was immediately deluged with spam mail and calls from sons of Nigerian dictators and penny-stock, dessert-topping speculators.
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2) How did he get to be so rich? Simple, the International Patent and Trademark Board (IPTB) mistakenly awarded him the above sum for violations of his armchair patents and trademark on the word “armchair.” However, late on January 1, the IPTB realized its mistake and cancelled the award. A suitably chastened director, Pieter van Poffertje, commented, “Jeetje, that’s the last time we have such a big New Year’s Eve party.”
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3) To atone for such a serious gaffe, the IPTB decreed for one day to give “Armchair” Chandra all  royalties derived from all amchoor chutneys sold in Antarctica. Of course, the IPTB possesses no enforcement powers there, but Chandra appreciated the thought. And so, everything was settled.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Persimmon Pomegranate Arugula Salad

American Appetizer

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PERSIMMON POMEGRANATE ARUGULA SALAD

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INGREDIENTS
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4 Fuyu persimmons
3 cups arugula
2 tablespoons lemon juice
3 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ cup pomegranate seeds*
2 tablespoons pomegranate juice.
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* = 1 pomegranate will yield sufficient amount of these ingredients.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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mandoline (optional)
vegetable peeler (optional)
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Serves 4. Takes 15 minutes or a bit longer if you have scoop the seeds out of a pomegranate.
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PREPARATION
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Peal persimmons with peeler. Use mandoline to cut persimmons into slices ¼’ thick. Add all ingredients to large serving bowl. Toss with forks or spoons until well blended.
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TIDBITS
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1) On April 1, Farine du Ble demonstrated on her show, Talc Chef, how to make Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad, or APPs for short. Viewers tried it and recommended this salad to all their friends. “If want to have this dish, check it out on APPS. Unfortunately, most human ears cannot distinguish between APPs and apps. So, most people heard “Check it out on apps.”
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2) And so they went to their apps’ store to buy Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad. So many billions of people tried that they crashed the worldwide web and crashed communication everywhere. E-commerce looked ready to collapse. Decades-long depression loomed. Militaries from most countries ceased to function from lack of orders. The very few armies that didn’t rely on the internet could have conquered us all. It looked bad.
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3) Fortunately, world leaders had already decreed April 1st to be Global Nap Day. No orders for Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad could have been shipped that day. Thus, the Great Interest crash couldn’t have affected commerce at all. Soldiers napped all over the Earth. So, no wars of conquest took place. Everything was okay. Still, it had been quite the close call. An emergency session of the United Nations renamed this dish to be Persimmon Pomegranate Arugula Salad, or PPAS. The threat to the internet vanished. Serenity returned to the world. Something to chew on.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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