Monthly Archives: December 2023

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s word: Afterbuy

Why is it so hard to find something we needed or would really like? Why do we only spot those items after we pay the cashier?

If only there were a word to describe this phenomenon. It’s time to correct this oversight.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

afterbuy

Awesome entry #29

 

­– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Persimmon Pomegranate Arugula Salad

American Appetizer

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PERSIMMON POMEGRANATE ARUGULA SALAD

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INGREDIENTS
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4 Fuyu persimmons
3 cups arugula
2 tablespoons lemon juice
3 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ cup pomegranate seeds*
2 tablespoons pomegranate juice.
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* = 1 pomegranate will yield sufficient amount of these ingredients.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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mandoline (optional)
vegetable peeler (optional)
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Serves 4. Takes 15 minutes or a bit longer if you have scoop the seeds out of a pomegranate.
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PREPARATION
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Peal persimmons with peeler. Use mandoline to cut persimmons into slices ¼’ thick. Add all ingredients to large serving bowl. Toss with forks or spoons until well blended.
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TIDBITS
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1) On April 1, Farine du Ble demonstrated on her show, Talc Chef, how to make Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad, or APPs for short. Viewers tried it and recommended this salad to all their friends. “If want to have this dish, check it out on APPS. Unfortunately, most human ears cannot distinguish between APPs and apps. So, most people heard “Check it out on apps.”
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2) And so they went to their apps’ store to buy Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad. So many billions of people tried that they crashed the worldwide web and crashed communication everywhere. E-commerce looked ready to collapse. Decades-long depression loomed. Militaries from most countries ceased to function from lack of orders. The very few armies that didn’t rely on the internet could have conquered us all. It looked bad.
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3) Fortunately, world leaders had already decreed April 1st to be Global Nap Day. No orders for Arugula Persimmon Pomegranate Salad could have been shipped that day. Thus, the Great Interest crash couldn’t have affected commerce at all. Soldiers napped all over the Earth. So, no wars of conquest took place. Everything was okay. Still, it had been quite the close call. An emergency session of the United Nations renamed this dish to be Persimmon Pomegranate Arugula Salad, or PPAS. The threat to the internet vanished. Serenity returned to the world. Something to chew on.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Vera the Virus

Vera sets goals.

Vera the Virus #2

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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The Debut of Vera the Virus

Welcome, Vera.

Vera the Virus #1

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Vanilla Frosting

American Dessert

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VANILLA FROSTING

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INGREDIENTS
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½ cup butter, softened
3½ cups confectioners’ sugar
3 tablespoons whole milk, room temperature
1¼ teaspoons vanilla extract
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Makes enough to frost 2 9″ cakes. Takes 15 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Add butter and confectioners’ sugar to large mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium until mixture becomes fluffy. Add whole milk and vanilla extract. Blend using electric beater set on medium until frosting become fluffy and smooth.
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TIDBITS
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1) Most people believe that punk rock is a relatively new phenomenon*, starting in the 1970s. Modern punk rock’s features electric guitars. The first widely popular punk was the Sex Pistols.
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2) * = By the way, phenomenon** is a hard word to spell. So, is the song “Mahna Mahna” as sung by the Muppets(tm)
, which in turn was heavily based on “Mah Nà, Mah Nà,” by Piero Umiliani.
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3) Anyway, culinary musical historians tell us that punk-rock first surfaced in 1587. There were no electric guitars in 1587, because there were no electrical outlets. Nor many giga watt electrical power stations either during the reign of Elizabeth II. Nor many true guitars. In fact, the Elizabethan Age’s punkest musical instrument, the violin, was invested during her reign. Go, good Queen Bess.
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4) Philip II of Spain, a fervent Catholic, hated Liz’s Protestant England. Catholics and Protestants all over loathed each other. Indeed, Monarchs often burned followers of the wrong religion, Speaking of burning heretics, you were wise not to bring up religion at BBQs or any gathering, really.
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5) Then in early 1588, Flagrant Violins, the first true punk band, came out with “Philip II is a Fathead.” The song hit the top of the charts. An already irate Phil hit the roof. Indeed, he ordered the construction of the mighty Armada to conquer England.
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6) English sailors and cold winter winds destroyed the Armada. Spain would never again threaten England. But it had been a near thing. So, good Queen Bess forbad punk rock music until April 1, 1970. The anagram loving queen even ordered Flagrant Violins to change its name to Vanilla Frosting. English chefs thought, “Vanilla Frosting, what a good idea!” Which is why we have cakes with this frosting. Life is good.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

1000th Post in a Row – Peanut Butter Armageddon

Simply squeeze

Sometimes humanity does great things such as landing a man on the moon, building the Panama Canal, or making laptops. These projects helped us all immensely and caused us to swell with pride.

Then there’s squeezable peanut butter. I mean, how hard is it to scoop peanut butter and spread it on a slice of bread? The simple amoeba could almost do it. All we’d have to do is make a knife small enough for it to grasp.

As of press time, aircraft carriers, necessary for our national defense, still cost a pretty penny. So, we don’t build many of them. Machines vital to the success of surgeries remain in short supply.

Why?

Because we’re devoting much of our brain power and funds to making spreadable peanut butter. So, nations will compete for scarcer and scarcer non-PB resources. Tensions will rise. Armies will mobilize.

Run for the hills, the Peanut Butter Armageddon is coming.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Exciting Supermarkets

You might think that supermarkets only carry food, but you’d be oh so wrong.

You might believe that they stock only food and vitamins, but you’d be wrong.

Warmer, but still wrong.

If you haven’t looked in all the aisles in your local supermarket, you might be missing the following exciting product.

It has MACA! And it’s vegetarian!

It’s really nice to know that the cannabis movement is finally providing weed to horny goats. Soon, all goats will be able to purchase weed openly.

Oh my!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: you need to get, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

What I Did This Day

Pluto. Looks like a malt ball, doesn’t it?

1) Woke up.

2) Got up. Go me!

3) Worked on finances.

4) Showered.

5) Got dressed. The day is still early. Go me.

6) Went to the discount supermarket.

7) Got the things I needed.

8) Looked for targets of opportunity, also known as sales.

9) Put things away.

10) Organized the racks of canned drinks. Did you know that if you knock a fizzy drink to the floor, if can explode? Fizz goes everywhere, mostly onto the floor. However, a powerful jet made its way into my eye. Fortunately, thank goodness, that spray hit only the white of my eye. Even so, the pain was intense. But only for two seconds. Whew! And whew again. Thank goodness.

11) Caught up on people’s lives on Facebook(tm).

12) Made a shrimp cocktail

13) Contemplated the inequities in the 1648 Treaty of Westphalia.

8) Worked on a Thursday, New York Times(tm) crossword puzzle.

9) Read from Mary’s Land, a wonderful novel and designated bathtub book.

10) Finished fizzy bath.

11) Checked in Pluto. Resentment still festers about its demotion from planetary status. Right now, Pluto’s sadness dominates its anger. But if that changes, watch out! There’s nothing worse than an angry dwarf planet. I think I managed to talk Pluto down. It says, “Hi.”

12) Made hot dogs.

13) Finally got around to writing this blog. I had almost forgotten. Egad.

17) Sent my weekly condolences to Pluto for losing its full planetary status.

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Misheard Lyrics of Anna Kendrick

The superb Anna Kendick sings the great song “Cups,” aka “When I’m Gone,” in the excellent movie Pitch Perfect.
The true lyrics include:

“You’re gonna miss me by my walk, you’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh”

But didn’t you hear?

“You’re gonna miss me by my walk, you’re gonna miss me by my taco”

I mean who wouldn’t hear “taco?”

“Talk, oh” sounds exactly like “taco.” It does! It really does. And why not? The tasty taco is the world’s greatest food.

Eating something other than a taco is like cheating on your true love. So, is it any wonder that the incredible Ms. Kendrick sings about the divine taco? Is it any wonder we miss a woman with a taco?

Misheard Lyrics #16

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What I Did Today

Will now burn for at least another week

Busy, busy day. I’m exhausted.

1) Woke up.

2) Got up. Go me!

3) Worked on finances.

4) Caught up on people’s lives on Facebook(tm).

5) Toasted a pastrami, turkey meat, and provolone sandwich.

6) Cleaned up.

7) Contemplated the infinite. This takes a while.

8) Worked on a Thursday, New York Times(tm) crossword puzzle.

9) Read from Mary’s Land, a wonderful novel and designated bathtub book.

10) Finished bath.

11) Dressed. Go me. Contemplated going outside.

12) Didn’t. Decided it was too peoply outside.

13) Checked the fuel reserves of the Sun.

14) They were a bit low. I added a wheelbarrow full of wood to it.

15) We will have another week of sunlight before I have to top off the Sun Again.

16) Writing and publishing this blog.

17) Sent my weekly condolences to Pluto for losing its full planetary status.

18) Pluto says, “Hi.”

19) Will make tacos for the natives after I post this.

Behave yourselves.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: what I did | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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