Monthly Archives: May 2017

Bad Advice Friday, 5-12-17

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday already. Did you know there’s one every week? So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad.
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JW asks: Should I really call my mom, or get her a gift or card, or visit her, or any of those other mother’s day things?

Dear JW: I think you should give the Mothers’ Day of Benedict Cummerbund. He’s handsome as anything, he’s rich, he has a career, what more could mother want? Ask Benadryl Cuminpatch if he’d like to spend the rest of his life with Mom. You’ll have to ask Benpicked Cucumber nicely as he is, as indeed all celebrities, used to people gushing up to him. If a lifetime commitment is too much, would he be willing to do whatever Mom wanted for one day. Should he complain of lost income from his movies, you’ll just have to rob banks until you’ve accumulated $100 million. Oh, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Make sure the cheese is gruyère. Celebrities have expenses tastes. This will be a Mothers’ Day Mom will never forget.

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SL Red, purple, or green?

Dear SL: The White House has been that uninspired white ever since its construction. I applaud your desire to spiff up the world’s most recognized building, to give it some character, to have some fun. Since, the color of the Republican party is often thought to be red, it would good to paint the White House red. I strongly suggest using spray paint for the job as the Secret Service is not going to give you much time to do a professional job with a roller and a paint brush. Indeed, they apt to be rather cross with you while hauling you away to ask such questions such as, “How did you get over the fence and so close to the White House without being spotted?” You’ll be able to answer with, “Why I went to the nearest circus and bought a cannon from the Human Cannonball. I then shot myself and my paint.” Maybe that will impress them. It’s worth a shot. (See what I did there?)

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JCA asks: Mayo, or Miracle Whip? Not for food, but for bedroom fun. (Asking for a friend).

Dear JCA: My natural inclination as a chef is to suggest mayonnaise as it is a purer food and less likely to be a chemical sh*tstorm. Indeed, try to get mayonnaise with all natural ingredients. Let’s keep our planet green. However in this case, spreadability and lubrication will be prized more than it would be in making a tuna sandwich, I suggest the scientific method. Have two bedroom romps with each volunter. Ask them if they preferred the mayonnaise experience or the one with Miracle WhipTM. You might need hundreds of volunteer partners before you become quite confident in your results. Should you have a spouse who balks at your scientific zeal, you might need to present your sweetheart with a nice box of chocolates and some lovely flowers when asking their permission. Oh, and make sure you always use fresh mayonnaise and Cool Whip. You don’t want to get false responses from your volunteers because you used something rancid. Check those expiration dates.

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KGV states: Thanks for the reminder. Being retired, I easily forget which day of the week we are celebrating.

Dear KGV: It is easy to forget the day of the week, isn’t it? Buy yourself a $600 cell phone, one that shows the day of the week. You don’t have to use the phone for anything. If opening the cell phone just to find the day of the week seems a bit weird, hire a butler. The butler will follow you around and will be pleased to tell what day it is no how many times you ask.

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LF asks: Why do ticks tick?

Dear LF: Not all ticks tick, only the explosive ones. Explosiveness was a defensive trait evolved by ticks during the Cretaceous period. Ticks of that time were forever getting trampled underfoot by tyrannosaurus rexes hot on the pursuit of a brontosaurus burger. A tick scout would raise the alarm whenever a T-rex approached. The explosive ticks would rush the killer dinosaur and explode themselves. The explosion would kill the tyrannosaurus, but the rest of the tick colony would be saved. Sure it would take a lot of ticks to fell a mighty Rex, but holy moly, there are a boatload of ticks. There’s a practical use to this as well. North Korea has not acting at all neighborly lately. To help the world, get on the plane to North Korea with a carry-on bag full of explosive ticks. Don’t worry about TSA, the ticks aren’t metallic and aren’t even on any list of prohibited items. The North Koreans, being a wary sort, might ask you what’s in your bag. They might even open your bag and ask, “What are those ticks doing?” You should say, “I don’t know. Do ticks talk?” (See what I did there?) Then head to the nearest military installation, the one where you can do the most damage. Tell the ticks that those North Korean missiles or fighter planes are T-Rexes. The ticks will blow up the entire installation or base. Oh I forgot, the North Korea security is a distrustful lot. Try to blend in as you make your way through the countryside.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Minced Meat Croquette

Moldovan Entree

MINCED MEAT CROQUETTE
(Parjoale)

INGREDIENTS

3 slices white bread
3 tablespoons milk
1 small potato
1 large onion
2 tablespoons butter
½ pound ground beef
½ pound ground pork or veal
2 eggs
1 teaspoon dill
1 teaspoon parsley
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup bread crumbs
⅓ cup lard or vegetable oil

Makes 12 croquettes. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add white bread and milk to small mixing bowl. Let sit for 20 minutes. Press gently on soaked bread. Pour out any milk. While bread soaks, grate or mince potato. Mince onion. Add onion and butter to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens.

Add all ingredients except bread crumbs and lard to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Shape meat/potato/onion mixture into croquettes 4″ long, 2″ wide, and 1″ thick. Add bread crumbs to plate. Dredge croquettes through bread crumbs until they are well coated on both sides.

Add lard to pan. Melt lard at medium heat. Reduce heat to low. Add croquettes to pan. Sauté at low heat for 10 minutes on each side or until croquettes are golden brown all over. You will most likely need to cook in batches.

TIDBITS

1) It’s easy to confuse croquet with croquette; they’re spelled nearly the same. Croquet is played with wooden mallets. Minced meat croquette is played with mallets made of minced meat.

2) Wooden mallets do not break when you use it to hit a wooden ball. The ball goes far. You need an entire lawn to play croquet, which is sometimes called lawn croquet. A mince-meat mallet will disintegrate if you use them to hit a wooden ball. Use a meatball instead. Still, a meatball hit by a mince-meat mallet will not go far. Mince-meat croquette is often played on a napkin. So remember.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, food | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Peruvian Quinoa Salad

Peruvian Appetizer

QUINOA SALAD

INGREDIENTS

1 cup quinoa
½ cucumber
¼ cup fresh cilantro
2 Roma tomatoes
1 red bell pepper
¼ pound queso fresco or feta cheese
1¼ teaspoons aji amarillo, aji panca, or chipotle powder
1½ tablespoons lime juice
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 avocados

Serves 6. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook quinoa according to instructions on package. Remove from heat and let cool. While quinoa cooks and cools, peel and dice cucumber. Dice cilantro, tomatoes, and red bell pepper. Dice queso fresco. Add quinoa, cucumber, tomato, red bell pepper, queso fresco, aji amarillo, lime juice, and olive oil to salad bowl. Toss salad with forks until well blended. Garnish with cilantro. Peel, pit, and cut each avocado into 6 slices. Garnish with avocado slices.

TIDBITS

1) Quinoa salad is an anagram for Quad Sinaloa. Sinaloa is a state in Mexico. It is all that remains of the once proud and vast Sinaloan Empire. The heyday of the Sinaloan Empire occurred over 4,000 years ago. It’s realm included North America, South America, Europe, and Southeast Asia. It’s technology while primitive by today’s standards was absolutely whizzo back then.

2) Way back then, Rubberto Sinaloa got drunk, cut open a rubber plant, and poured its sap into a boiling cauldron meant to cook fish. The heat turned the sap into rubber. He made rubber bands. Rubberto shot his rubber bands at his neighbor and took over his lands. He made the same land grab over and over again. Soon, he became emperor of Indonesia. We should all go on such drunken tears.

3) Anyway, Rubberto’s armada of rubber rafts crossed the mighty oceans. His marines and soldiers equipped with mighty rubber bands conquered pitiful natives armed only with stick and scary faces. Then Rubberto died, no doubt at the end of his life, leaving no heir. His four main generals quarreled and the Empire divided itself into the Quad Sinaloas of Viking Sinaloa, the Pharaoh’s Egypt, the Aztec Empire, and Poway, California. Sinaloa, Mexico is all that remains of the once feared empire. The prudent Mexican Federal government has banned Sinaloa’s inhabitants from possessing rubber bands, so things are kinda okay.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bad Advice Friday + 1, 5-06-17

Oh my gosh. There was a Friday this week. So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad. Sorry, it’s a day late. I was whooping it up on my birthday. So, you had an extra day to do things right.

SF asks: If I pour boiling water on my face to help me wake up in the morning, will the power outlet I’ve plugged my toe into electrocute me?

Dear SF: The scientific method is a must. Try plugging your toe into an outlet. If that act alone electrocutes you then you’ll know, if only for a brief moment. If however, nothing happens then try the boiling water on your face. Should you survive electrocution after this second step, take heart in the knowledge you won’t need to take a shower. The germs and bacteria won’t survive the hot deluge.

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LHH asks: I wanna know: Who’ll stop the rain?

Dear LHH: Congress can, but they won’t. They’re too busy with health care, fund raising, and vacations to tackle this problem head on. Ask your congressman to support the building of mile-wide umbrellas. Or as more promising research suggests, get them to provide seed money for the building of five-mile-high fans that will blow rain from areas that don’t need it to ones that do. Call your representative today. They love to get citizen input.

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RTC asks: I want to go to a viewing and funeral of a family member. It is 8 hours driving round trip. I can barely stay awake 2 hours in a moving car. Should I stay home or should I go? No one else is able to go with me and share the driving.

Dear RTC: This is a toughie. Family duties push you to go, but you don’t want to crash and die. I mean how many people want to go to back-to-back funerals. No, the thing to do is ask your relatives to catapult the deceased to your home. Pay your respects. Catapult the body back as I strongly suspect the dearly departed will be buried where all the mourners are. Iimportant, don’t forget to send a condolences card! Manners are always in style. There is a small silver lining in all this. Enclose your condolences card with the deceased before catapulting back. A penny saved is a penny earned.

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MA asks: “I am” is reported to be the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be “I do” is the longest? Please advise…

Dear MA: Clearly, your problem is that your irresistible. So they say yes to you. But relationships are hard; hard as cheese that’s been left out for two weeks and perhaps just as moldy. You need to cut down on your attractivetudinous. Experiment. Grow dreadlocks. Some women hate them. If that special someone adores that hair style, consider wearing a tutu. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If however, she hopelessly dotes on you, you’ll have to rub lutefisk all over your body. The stench will drive away even the most ardent lover. There is a chance, however, the odor might be so bad that you’ll tear your own head off. That’s okay; this act also solves the problem of your overpowering desirability.

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WK asks: Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing.

Dear WK: They’re in Greenland. What with global warming, conditions there are now favorable for flowers. Not many flower munching bunnies there either. So for decades now, flowers have been slowly migrating to Greenland. We simply been too busy, what with our hectic lifestyle, to notice. Go to your local travel agent to book a Greenland tour. Do it today. Herds of feral flowers are sights that will make your soul sing.

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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